The Colbert Report
The Word - Don't Ask Don't Tell
Season 5 • 10/26/2009
Gay people have no right to out the petition signers who want to overturn "everything but marriage."
Sign Off - Stephen Unveils a New PortraitThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen unveils his brand new portrait on the four-year anniversary of The Colbert Report's first episode.
Tip/Wag - Coal Lobbyists, George Takei & CrispyconesThe Colbert ReportS5
A coal lobby represents non-existent Americans, George Takei threatens the sanctity of game shows, and Crispycones are too easy to eat.
The Mayo-lution Will Not Be TelevisedThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen responds to Miracle Whip's advertising campaign with his own extreme ad for mayo.
Jerry MitchellThe Colbert ReportS5
Thanks to Jerry Mitchell's investigations, four people have gone to jail for crimes they committed in the civil rights era.
Intro - 10/15/09The Colbert ReportS5
The Dow hits 10,000, Stephen taps into the youth culture, and Jerry Mitchell investigates unsolved crimes from the civil rights era.
The Money ShotThe Colbert ReportS5
Just in case you didn't get enough of that hot stock exchange session, Stephen has the uncut version on DVD.
Cornel WestThe Colbert ReportS5
Cornel West criticizes Barack Obama out of concern for the poor and working class people.
Stephen's Sound Advice - How to Get a JobThe Colbert ReportS5
Once you get a job interview with Stephen's celebrity endorsement, you'll want to grow a mustache.
George Will's Long TieThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen has to restore balance to the universe after George Will starts wearing long ties.
Sign Off - Don't MoveThe Colbert ReportS5
Don't move so Stephen can always remember you staring at him.
The Word - Don't Ask Don't TellThe Colbert ReportS5
The petition signers who want to overturn the "everything but marriage" bill should be able to stay in the closet that the gay people have abandoned.
Colbert Platinum - Harvard Billionaires & Red Diamond SUVThe Colbert ReportS5
Harvard produces the most billionaires, and a Russian car company releases a diamond-encrusted SUV with whale penis leather interior.
Sign Off - Goodnight?The Colbert ReportS5
Brian Cox will be on tomorrow, unless this is a rerun.
Intro - 10/27/09The Colbert ReportS5
The Catholic Church reaches out to former members, and Gail Collins talks about the modern American woman.
Gail CollinsThe Colbert ReportS5
Gail Collins describes the last 50 years of progress made by American women and the new issues they face today.
George W. Bush's Motivational SpeechThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen would have loved to attend George W. Bush's "Get Motivated" seminar, but he couldn't afford the $4.95 admission fee.
Holy Water Under the Bridge - Randall BalmerThe Colbert ReportS5
Randall Balmer refuses to join the Catholic Church because he's suspicious of any religious group that defines itself in negative terms.
Intro - 10/28/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen finds out what broke the largest particle accelerator and preps for his interview with Brian Cox by watching "Baby Einstein" tapes.
The Word - You-GenicsThe Colbert ReportS5
Your baby will never be denied health coverage for being too fat or too skinny if you mate with an insurance company CEO.
Joe Lieberman Is a True IndependentThe Colbert ReportS5
Joe Lieberman proves he's independent of his Connecticut constituents by opposing a public option in health care reform.
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