The Colbert Report
Stephen's Only Regrets
Season 5 • 04/20/2009
Stephen regrets cutting all the great stuff because the audience wouldn't stop cheering.
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage AdThe Colbert ReportS5
There's a giant gay storm gathering, and before long the winds will be blowing each other.
Douglas KmiecThe Colbert ReportS5
Douglas Kmiec doesn't want the state to adopt any religion's perspective and impose it on Americans.
Teabagging ProtestsThe Colbert ReportS5
Perverts sully the patriotic act of a taxpayer rising up, standing over his government and delivering his opinion into the mouth of power.
Joe ArpaioThe Colbert ReportS5
Sheriff Joe Arpaio denies that he focuses too much on illegal immigration.
Maersk Alabama - Ken QuinnThe Colbert ReportS5
Second Mate Ken Quinn and Stephen are returning to sea to hunt pirates in a two-man paddleboat.
Anger's AweighThe Colbert ReportS5
Granting vigilantes the right to shoot pirates on the high seas is the free market at its best.
Tip/Wag - Texas Secession & MACAThe Colbert ReportS5
Texas Governor Rick Perry wants to secede, and MACA urges the Obamas to use pesticides in their organic garden.
Intro - 4/20/09The Colbert ReportS5
How to deal with the scourge of piracy -- if only there were a form of transportation besides boats.
Castro Death Wish ListThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen wants to force feed Castro hot dogs and make him watch "This Week with George Stephanopoulos."
Stephen's Only RegretsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen's only regret is all the great stuff that was cut out because the audience wouldn't stop cheering.
The Word - Stressed PositionThe Colbert ReportS5
Americans will get justice for torture without making any of the good guys pay the price.
George Will's Demon DenimThe Colbert ReportS5
George Will launches a righteous attack against Satan's denim leg tubes.
Who's Riding My Coattails Now? - Blown Away by the USAThe Colbert ReportS5
Act now and receive Stephen's patriotic CD collection: "Blown Away by the USA," "Stunned by the States" and "Flabbergasted by the Flag."
Intro - 4/21/09The Colbert ReportS5
President Obama releases CIA torture memos. It's like the greatest hits of our greatest hits.
Mike KrzyzewskiThe Colbert ReportS5
Mike Krzyzewski differentiates between teamwork and socialism.
Special DVD CommentaryThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen offers special DVD commentary for those who recorded tonight's show and burned it onto a DVD.
Ira GlassThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen wants to know if Ira Glass will be just as lifeless hosting a live cinema performance as he is on the radio.
Intro - 4/22/09The Colbert ReportS5
President Obama returns from the Summit of the Americas, and Stephen looks forward to making fun of Ira Glass' glasses.
"The Price Is Right" Goes GreenThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen bids less than a dollar on environmentally friendly prizes.
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