The Colbert Report

Intro - 5/18/09

Season 5 • 05/18/2009

There's a problem with closing Gitmo. Evidently you can't just leave the prisoners there.

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05:03

Yahweh or No Way - Father Cutie & Miss California
The Colbert ReportS5

God wants priests to be celibate, and Miss California, Carrie Prejean, might be the second coming.
05/14/2009
01:26

Caveman Porn Stash
The Colbert ReportS5

German archaeologists discover a caveman's porn sculpture 35,000 years after he dies.
05/14/2009
03:41

DonorsChoose.org Donations
The Colbert ReportS5

The five branches of the military are in a tight race for your donations, and kids from the schools you're funding send Stephen their art.
05/14/2009
00:31

Intro - 5/14/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Donald Trump allows Miss California to keep her crown, the DonorsChoose competition continues, and Yusuf performs.
05/14/2009
05:00

Yusuf
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen calls Yusuf a coward while telling him he loves him at the same time.
05/14/2009
04:53

The Word - Tough Cell
The Colbert ReportS5

Instead of putting Al Qaeda terrorists in our neighborhoods, we can send them to Dick Cheney's ranch.
05/18/2009
05:47

Meghan McCain
The Colbert ReportS5

Meghan McCain loves the Republican Party and wants to save it from the people trying to make it more extreme.
05/18/2009
05:24

ThreatDown - Charity, Casual Jesus & Robot Teachers
The Colbert ReportS5

The Christian Children's Fund changes its name, Jesus goes casual, and Japan unveils a scary robot teacher.
05/18/2009
00:13

Sign Off - Internal Clock
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen's internal clock is telling him it's time to go.
05/18/2009
02:27

Welcome to the Real World, Obama
The Colbert ReportS5

To join the conservative real world, Obama will need a magical unicorn, a dictionary and proof that global warming doesn't exist.
05/18/2009
00:31

Intro - 5/18/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Evidently, you can't leave prisoners at Gitmo, and the Christian Children's Foundation changes its name.
05/18/2009
01:45

Rumsfeld's Cover Letter Bible Quotes
The Colbert ReportS5

Rumsfeld put Bible quotes on his cover pages for President Bush because war briefings are a snooze without a little pizzazz.
05/19/2009
06:24

Walter Kirn
The Colbert ReportS5

Walter Kirn believes that putting Ivy League schools like Princeton on the web would show those attending state schools they're not inferior.
05/19/2009
00:09

Stephen's Show
The Colbert ReportS5

That's it for the show -- Stephen's show.
05/19/2009
00:32

Intro - 5/19/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Republicans find a way to make us love them again, and a Difference Maker stands up to the government.
05/19/2009
04:49

The Word - I Know You Are But What Am I?
The Colbert ReportS5

If the Republicans really want people to go against the Democrats, they'll need a name that instantly turns people off.
05/19/2009
06:24

Difference Makers - Stephen Keith
The Colbert ReportS5

Government regulation strangles Tombstone, AZ until actor Stephen Keith fires back with fake guns.
05/19/2009
00:33

Intro - 5/20/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Torture memo author John Yoo gets a newspaper column, and Nancy Pelosi says the CIA lied to her.
05/20/2009
06:02

Seth Shostak
The Colbert ReportS5

Seth Shostak believes that, unless Earth is a miracle, there is most likely life among the trillion planets.
05/20/2009
00:04

Goodnight
The Colbert ReportS5

That's it for The Report, everybody.
05/20/2009
06:56

She Said, CIA Said - Bob Graham
The Colbert ReportS5

Bob Graham's diary doesn't say anything about the CIA briefing him on waterboarding.
05/20/2009
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