The Colbert Report

Intro - 5/18/09

Season 5 • 05/18/2009

There's a problem with closing Gitmo. Evidently you can't just leave the prisoners there.

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Watching

05:03

The Colbert ReportS5
Yahweh or No Way - Father Cutie & Miss California

God wants priests to be celibate, and Miss California, Carrie Prejean, might be the second coming.
05/14/2009
01:26

The Colbert ReportS5
Caveman Porn Stash

German archaeologists discover a caveman's porn sculpture 35,000 years after he dies.
05/14/2009
03:41

The Colbert ReportS5
DonorsChoose.org Donations

The five branches of the military are in a tight race for your donations, and kids from the schools you're funding send Stephen their art.
05/14/2009
00:31

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 5/14/09

Donald Trump allows Miss California to keep her crown, the DonorsChoose competition continues, and Yusuf performs.
05/14/2009
05:00

The Colbert ReportS5
Yusuf

Stephen calls Yusuf a coward while telling him he loves him at the same time.
05/14/2009
04:53

The Colbert ReportS5
The Word - Tough Cell

Instead of putting Al Qaeda terrorists in our neighborhoods, we can send them to Dick Cheney's ranch.
05/18/2009
05:47

The Colbert ReportS5
Meghan McCain

Meghan McCain loves the Republican Party and wants to save it from the people trying to make it more extreme.
05/18/2009
05:24

The Colbert ReportS5
ThreatDown - Charity, Casual Jesus & Robot Teachers

The Christian Children's Fund changes its name, Jesus goes casual, and Japan unveils a scary robot teacher.
05/18/2009
00:13

The Colbert ReportS5
Sign Off - Internal Clock

Stephen's internal clock is telling him it's time to go.
05/18/2009
02:27

The Colbert ReportS5
Welcome to the Real World, Obama

To join the conservative real world, Obama will need a magical unicorn, a dictionary and proof that global warming doesn't exist.
05/18/2009
00:31

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 5/18/09

Evidently, you can't leave prisoners at Gitmo, and the Christian Children's Foundation changes its name.
05/18/2009
01:45

The Colbert ReportS5
Rumsfeld's Cover Letter Bible Quotes

Rumsfeld put Bible quotes on his cover pages for President Bush because war briefings are a snooze without a little pizzazz.
05/19/2009
06:24

The Colbert ReportS5
Walter Kirn

Walter Kirn believes that putting Ivy League schools like Princeton on the web would show those attending state schools they're not inferior.
05/19/2009
00:09

The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen's Show

That's it for the show -- Stephen's show.
05/19/2009
00:32

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 5/19/09

Republicans find a way to make us love them again, and a Difference Maker stands up to the government.
05/19/2009
04:49

The Colbert ReportS5
The Word - I Know You Are But What Am I?

If the Republicans really want people to go against the Democrats, they'll need a name that instantly turns people off.
05/19/2009
06:24

The Colbert ReportS5
Difference Makers - Stephen Keith

Government regulation strangles Tombstone, AZ until actor Stephen Keith fires back with fake guns.
05/19/2009
00:33

The Colbert ReportS5
Intro - 5/20/09

Torture memo author John Yoo gets a newspaper column, and Nancy Pelosi says the CIA lied to her.
05/20/2009
06:02

The Colbert ReportS5
Seth Shostak

Seth Shostak believes that, unless Earth is a miracle, there is most likely life among the trillion planets.
05/20/2009
00:04

The Colbert ReportS5
Goodnight

That's it for The Report, everybody.
05/20/2009
06:56

The Colbert ReportS5
She Said, CIA Said - Bob Graham

Bob Graham's diary doesn't say anything about the CIA briefing him on waterboarding.
05/20/2009
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