The Colbert Report
Intro - 5/18/09
Season 5 • 05/18/2009
There's a problem with closing Gitmo. Evidently you can't just leave the prisoners there.
The Colbert ReportS5 Yahweh or No Way - Father Cutie & Miss California
God wants priests to be celibate, and Miss California, Carrie Prejean, might be the second coming.
The Colbert ReportS5 Caveman Porn Stash
German archaeologists discover a caveman's porn sculpture 35,000 years after he dies.
The Colbert ReportS5 DonorsChoose.org Donations
The five branches of the military are in a tight race for your donations, and kids from the schools you're funding send Stephen their art.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 5/14/09
Donald Trump allows Miss California to keep her crown, the DonorsChoose competition continues, and Yusuf performs.
The Colbert ReportS5 Yusuf
Stephen calls Yusuf a coward while telling him he loves him at the same time.
The Colbert ReportS5 The Word - Tough Cell
Instead of putting Al Qaeda terrorists in our neighborhoods, we can send them to Dick Cheney's ranch.
The Colbert ReportS5 Meghan McCain
Meghan McCain loves the Republican Party and wants to save it from the people trying to make it more extreme.
The Colbert ReportS5 ThreatDown - Charity, Casual Jesus & Robot Teachers
The Christian Children's Fund changes its name, Jesus goes casual, and Japan unveils a scary robot teacher.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Internal Clock
Stephen's internal clock is telling him it's time to go.
The Colbert ReportS5 Welcome to the Real World, Obama
To join the conservative real world, Obama will need a magical unicorn, a dictionary and proof that global warming doesn't exist.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 5/18/09
Evidently, you can't leave prisoners at Gitmo, and the Christian Children's Foundation changes its name.
The Colbert ReportS5 Rumsfeld's Cover Letter Bible Quotes
Rumsfeld put Bible quotes on his cover pages for President Bush because war briefings are a snooze without a little pizzazz.
The Colbert ReportS5 Walter Kirn
Walter Kirn believes that putting Ivy League schools like Princeton on the web would show those attending state schools they're not inferior.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 5/19/09
Republicans find a way to make us love them again, and a Difference Maker stands up to the government.
The Colbert ReportS5 The Word - I Know You Are But What Am I?
If the Republicans really want people to go against the Democrats, they'll need a name that instantly turns people off.
The Colbert ReportS5 Difference Makers - Stephen Keith
Government regulation strangles Tombstone, AZ until actor Stephen Keith fires back with fake guns.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 5/20/09
Torture memo author John Yoo gets a newspaper column, and Nancy Pelosi says the CIA lied to her.
The Colbert ReportS5 Seth Shostak
Seth Shostak believes that, unless Earth is a miracle, there is most likely life among the trillion planets.