The Colbert Report
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Season 5 • 07/23/2009
Don't tell Stephen how the show ends, he's TiVo'ing it.
Intro - 7/22/09The Colbert ReportS5
The truth behind the CIA's secret assassination squad is revealed, and Chris Anderson talks about a future economy where everything is free.
Chris AndersonThe Colbert ReportS5
Chris Anderson explains how it's possible for companies to make money by providing free services.
Pope Wrist WatchThe Colbert ReportS5
The best way to spread wrist awareness is by getting a WristStrong bracelet to Pope Benedict XVI.
Sniper Trifle - Matthew WaxmanThe Colbert ReportS5
Matthew Waxman discusses the legal argument over whether to alert Congress about certain covert action programs.
The Longest Solar Eclipse of the CenturyThe Colbert ReportS5
Xenu returned Asia's sun, but he will devour it again unless India returns America's outsourced jobs and China forgives the national debt.
Zev ChafetsThe Colbert ReportS5
Zev Chafets doesn't have a problem with steroid use in baseball, but he is concerned about its cover-up.
Health Care Hell-Scare - Die-agnosis: Mur-DRThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen invites expert victims from Canada, France and Spain to relay their horrible experiences of socialized medicine.
Health Care Reform Is the MatrixThe Colbert ReportS5
President Obama's health care reform is a dystopian future filled with chaos and floor-length leather trench coats.
ThreatDown - Henry Louis Gates Jr., Bill Gates & Wilford BrimleyThe Colbert ReportS5
Henry Louis Gates Jr. commits the perfect crime, Bill Gates tries to control the weather, and Wilford Brimley has too much free time.
Sign Off - TiVoThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen doesn't want to know how the show ends because he's TiVo'ing it.
Intro - 7/27/09The Colbert ReportS5
A report on tasers may shock you, and Swedish band Movits! helps Stephen put his Ikea futon together.
Movits!The Colbert ReportS5
Because the guys from Movits! are from Sweden, they're forced to have the same hair length and glasses.
Sarah Palin Will Be MissedThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen says goodbye to Sarah Palin in the same way he imagines she writes her own speeches.
Nailed 'Em - Library CrimeThe Colbert ReportS5
The local library bans Dominic Philip after spotting a photo of him tooting a kazoo in their summer reading parade.
Womb Raiders - Orly TaitzThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen thanks Orly Taitz for being one of the few people willing to compare the Obama administration to Nazi Germany.
Arianna HuffingtonThe Colbert ReportS5
Arianna Huffington was born in the United States, but she cultivated an accent to give herself an air of being an ethnic minority.
President Obama's Teachable MomentThe Colbert ReportS5
Obama's teaching: if you arrest a black man under questionable circumstances, you get to have a beer with the president.
Sign Off - Devil's TricksThe Colbert ReportS5
One of the greatest tricks the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
Womb Raiders - The Fight for the Truth Behind Obama's BirthThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen wants to hear from one of the sperm that witnessed President Obama's conception in order to verify his birthplace.
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