The Colbert Report

Kurt Andersen

Season 5 • 08/04/2009

Kurt Andersen wants Americans to be Puritan hedonists who behave with moderation.

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05:07

Tony Zinni
The Colbert ReportS5

General Tony Zinni cites David Petraeus, Barack Obama and Richard Branson as examples of great leaders.
08/03/2009
00:03

Sign Off - Goodnight
The Colbert ReportS5

That's it for the show, everybody.
08/03/2009
05:14

Bears & Balls - How to Pay for Health Care
The Colbert ReportS5

Democrats want to pay for health care reform by taxing sodas and killing old people.
08/03/2009
04:46

Nailed 'Em - War on Birth Control
The Colbert ReportS5

The Fairfax County School Board nails a teen junkie for taking birth control in the cafeteria.
08/03/2009
02:56

Dominic Philip's Book Habit
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen cures Dominic Philip's reading habit by sending him an entire box of books and forcing him to read every last one of them.
08/03/2009
00:31

Intro - 8/3/09
The Colbert ReportS5

President Obama finds a way to pay for health care, and General Anthony Zinni will wax Stephen's chest.
08/03/2009
04:57

The Word - Hippie Replacement
The Colbert ReportS5

Soon America's grassroots people-power movements will be rid of the one thing that's holding them back: people.
08/04/2009
00:10

Sign Off - Love Makes the World Go Round
The Colbert ReportS5

Love makes the world go round, so stop hogging all the credit, physics.
08/04/2009
04:57

Colbert Bump Cocktail - David Wondrich
The Colbert ReportS5

David Wondrich serves Stephen drinks from the Great Depression and the Civil War, and invents a Colbert Bump cocktail.
08/04/2009
02:42

Merry Barackmas
The Colbert ReportS5

Karl Marx takes gifts from Stephen to give to lazy people who don't deserve nice things.
08/04/2009
06:24

Kurt Andersen
The Colbert ReportS5

According to Kurt Andersen, the economic and health crises give Americans a brief chance to get things where they want them.
08/04/2009
03:13

Human Week
The Colbert ReportS5

Since sharks don't kill that many people, the Discovery Channel should replace their Shark Week with Human Week.
08/05/2009
08:11

2010 Midterms - Joe Sestak
The Colbert ReportS5

Joe Sestak is running against Arlen Specter for the Pennsylvania Senate seat so he can bring health care reform to all Americans.
08/05/2009
02:44

Bill Clinton's Personal Appearance
The Colbert ReportS5

Bill Clinton frees two journalists from North Korea, but Laura Ling leaves without her delicious sandwich.
08/05/2009
05:49

Kris Kobach
The Colbert ReportS5

Kris Kobach wants to fight illegal immigration on the local level and reward the people willing to come to this country legally.
08/05/2009
00:02

Sign Off - Goodnight
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen says goodnight.
08/05/2009
06:03

Meryl Streep
The Colbert ReportS5

Meryl Streep won't feel responsible if her role as Julia Child influences kids to think cooking is cool.
08/06/2009
00:34

Intro - 8/6/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen reviews the movies that are destroying America and talks to Meryl Streep about her role as Julia Child.
08/06/2009
06:00

Yahweh or No Way - Dinosaur Adventure Land & Black Market Kidneys
The Colbert ReportS5

The founder of a creationist dinosaur theme park refuses to pay taxes, President Obama may be a secret Mormon, and a Jewish man trades kidneys on the black market.
08/06/2009
00:04

Sign Off - Goodnight
The Colbert ReportS5

That's it for The Report, everybody.
08/06/2009
02:27

Back to School With Jeremih
The Colbert ReportS5

Chicago Public Schools officials appoint Jeremih, the guy who sings "Birthday Sex," as their new back-to-school spokesman.
08/06/2009
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