The Colbert Report
Tip/Wag - Guns on Amtrak, Fake Lesbians & Battleship Audition
Season 5 • 09/22/2009
The Senate allows guns on Amtrak trains, and Stephen auditions for "Battleship" with Jeff Goldblum.
Wayne CoyneThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen asks The Flaming Lips' Wayne Coyne how bad things must be in Oklahoma that "Do You Realize??" is its official rock song.
Goat LabThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen resurrects the U.S. military technique of staring at a goat to make its heart explode.
Sport Report - U.S. Open & NFL Wheel of ScandalThe Colbert ReportS5
Juan Martin del Potro wins the U.S. Open, and Stephen predicts which NFL player will get in trouble next with the Wheel of Scandal.
Goat Lab - Jon RonsonThe Colbert ReportS5
Jon Ronson explains why the U.S. military trained soldiers to use sparkly eyes on the enemy and kill goats with their minds.
Frank BruniThe Colbert ReportS5
Frank Bruni talks about mastering his addiction to compulsive eating as a food critic for the New York Times.
Sign Off - Shofar GoodnightThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen says goodnight with his shofar.
Shai AgassiThe Colbert ReportS5
Shai Agassi explains his electric car network that's modeled after cell phone plans.
Atone Phone - Jon Stewart Calls to ApologizeThe Colbert ReportS5
Jon calls 1-888-MOSS-LEW to apologize for not having paid for his bed of moss yet.
Intro - 9/22/09The Colbert ReportS5
The Senate votes to allow guns on trains, and Shai Agassi wants us all to drive electric cars.
Atone Phone - Emmy AwardsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen wants every Jewish member of the television academy to call and beg for forgiveness, which he will then deliver in the form of an acceptance speech.
Tip/Wag - Guns on Amtrak, Fake Lesbians & Battleship AuditionThe Colbert ReportS5
The Senate allows guns on Amtrak trains, fake lesbians push products, and Stephen auditions for "Battleship" with Jeff Goldblum.
Capitalism's Enemy - Michael MooreThe Colbert ReportS5
Michael Moore fights capitalism and urges Senate Democrats to stand up for health care reform.
Tom DeLay Dances With the StarsThe Colbert ReportS5
Tom DeLay looked so happy on the floor of "Dancing With the Stars" you'd think he'd just been arrested on charges of corruption.
AJ JacobsThe Colbert ReportS5
AJ Jacobs' life experiments include following all the rules of the Bible, trying to be the most rational person alive and radical honesty.
Lunatic Dictator AccommodationsThe Colbert ReportS5
Let's put Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Muammar el-Qaddafi in New York City's finest hotels and drain their national treasuries with mini-bar charges.
Sign Off - Thank You for Joining UsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen says thank you and goodnight.
Ken BurnsThe Colbert ReportS5
Ken Burns believes if America didn't have national parks, the Grand Canyon would be lined with mansions and Yosemite would be a gated community.
Atone Phone - Larry King CallsThe Colbert ReportS5
Larry King apologizes to Stephen for not giving him a chance to explain the terrible scandal that is sure to end his career.
The Word - BlackwashingThe Colbert ReportS5
Prevent your valid criticisms of Barack Obama from being unfairly associated with racism by putting on a little blackwashing.
Easter Under Attack - Peeps DisplayThe Colbert ReportS5
A woman must take down the marshmallow Peeps display from her apartment door or be evicted.
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