The Colbert Report
Season 1 • 11/09/2005
Stephen asks author Mary Roach what his options are for not dying.
Fract - Franagram: American PatriotThe Colbert ReportS1
"American Patriot" anagrams to "I am an erotic part."
Wilford Brimley Calls - CocoonThe Colbert ReportS1
Wilford Brimley doesn't understand why Stephen isn't using the cocoon he sent as a set decoration.
America Doesn't TortureThe Colbert ReportS1
The president says that America doesn't do anything illegal. Torture is illegal. Ergo -- and that's Latin for "bite me" -- we do not torture.
Intro - 11/8/05The Colbert ReportS1
On the agenda: Terrell Owens, torture, Christmas tradition and Court TV's Catherine Crier.
Catherine CrierThe Colbert ReportS1
To get into the news business, Catherine Crier said, "Boys, I've got a camera in the living room. You wanna come over and make a tape?"
Intro - 11/9/05The Colbert ReportS1
Arnold Schwarzenegger's propositions are turned down at the ballot box, and Stephen looks forward to talking with author Mary Roach.
Better Know a District - Florida's 7th - John MicaThe Colbert ReportS1
Congressman John Mica stands for his district with the tenacity of an alligator that shows up in your garage after a hurricane.
The Word - Willy LomanThe Colbert ReportS1
Mr. Schwarzenegger, get back to what you do best: jamming Arnold into people's holes.
Next QuestionThe Colbert ReportS1
At the recent White House press briefings it looks like Scott McClellan is about to crap his pants or burst into tears.
All You Need to Know - Kansas EducationThe Colbert ReportS1
The Kansas Board of Education approves the teaching of intelligent design in the classroom.
Mary RoachThe Colbert ReportS1
Stephen and author Mary Roach contact a spirit from the past in the studio.
Cokie RobertsThe Colbert ReportS1
Cokie Roberts recalls an old Washington, where people could disagree without being disagreeable.
Intro - 11/10/05The Colbert ReportS1
Congress hard at work, the re-branding of Veteran's Day and Cokie Roberts -- all on tonight's show.
The DaColbert Code - Samuel AlitoThe Colbert ReportS1
Stephen uses The DaColbert Code to pierce the veil of secrecy and solve modern-day mysteries.
The In-Box - Asian StereotypesThe Colbert ReportS1
In an attempt to apologize for accidentally perpetuating an Asian stereotype, Stephen shares some of The Report's airtime with its sister station in Osaka.
The Word - ArmisticeThe Colbert ReportS1
President Bush is saving Veterans Day by creating thousands of new veterans.
Swear to GodThe Colbert ReportS1
Stephen believes that big oil company CEOs should have sworn in before testifying to Congress.
Bob KerreyThe Colbert ReportS1
Stephen pitches former Senator Bob Kerrey his plan for training the Iraqi army.
Internets AnniversaryThe Colbert ReportS1
Stephen buys himself an Internet anniversary present from eBay.
The Word - TestosteroneThe Colbert ReportS1
Stephen thinks women are weaker than men for being incapable of completely abandoning their humanity.
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