The Colbert Report
Intro - 5/14/09
Season 5 • 05/14/2009
Miss California gets to keep her crown, and Donald Trump gets to keep whatever's on his head.
Intro - 5/13/09The Colbert ReportS5
The government has a new method for funding health care, and Michael Pollan defends food.
Stephen's Coke Party ProtestThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen is already twitching with excitement over his Coke-fueled party to protest the soda tax.
Colbert Platinum - $1,000 DishesThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen's $1,000 omelet, $1,000 pizza and $1,000 sundae were worth every cent he didn't pay.
Robert Gibbs Hates Ringing Cell PhonesThe Colbert ReportS5
Ringing cell phones distract from the illumination of Press Secretary Robert Gibbs' White House briefing.
Michael PollanThe Colbert ReportS5
Michael Pollan advises that the best food to eat is anything with less than five ingredients in it.
Stephen Colbert Is AwesomeThe Colbert ReportS5
If you didn't notice tonight's theme, it was "Stephen Colbert is awesome."
Yahweh or No Way - Father Cutie & Miss CaliforniaThe Colbert ReportS5
God wants priests to be celibate, and Miss California, Carrie Prejean, might be the second coming.
Caveman Porn StashThe Colbert ReportS5
German archaeologists discover a caveman's porn sculpture 35,000 years after he dies.
DonorsChoose.org DonationsThe Colbert ReportS5
The five branches of the military are in a tight race for your donations, and kids from the schools you're funding send Stephen their art.
YusufThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen calls Yusuf a coward while telling him he loves him at the same time.
Intro - 5/14/09The Colbert ReportS5
Donald Trump allows Miss California to keep her crown, the DonorsChoose competition continues, and Yusuf performs.
The Word - Tough CellThe Colbert ReportS5
Instead of putting Al Qaeda terrorists in our neighborhoods, we can send them to Dick Cheney's ranch.
Meghan McCainThe Colbert ReportS5
Meghan McCain loves the Republican Party and wants to save it from the people trying to make it more extreme.
ThreatDown - Charity, Casual Jesus & Robot TeachersThe Colbert ReportS5
The Christian Children's Fund changes its name, Jesus goes casual, and Japan unveils a scary robot teacher.
Intro - 5/18/09The Colbert ReportS5
Evidently, you can't leave prisoners at Gitmo, and the Christian Children's Foundation changes its name.
Sign Off - Internal ClockThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen's internal clock is telling him it's time to go.
Welcome to the Real World, ObamaThe Colbert ReportS5
To join the conservative real world, Obama will need a magical unicorn, a dictionary and proof that global warming doesn't exist.
Rumsfeld's Cover Letter Bible QuotesThe Colbert ReportS5
Rumsfeld put Bible quotes on his cover pages for President Bush because war briefings are a snooze without a little pizzazz.
Walter KirnThe Colbert ReportS5
Walter Kirn believes that putting Ivy League schools like Princeton on the web would show those attending state schools they're not inferior.
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