The Colbert Report

Intro - 12/3/09

Season 5 • 12/03/2009

Tiger Woods says he's sorry -- that he ever got a cell phone.

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06:39

Deployment Figures
The Colbert ReportS5

President Obama's speech to send 30,000 troops to Afghanistan was missing passion and a certain word.
12/02/2009
06:53

Cheating Death - R.J. Reynolds, Genzyme & Bionic Bottom
The Colbert ReportS5

R.J. Reynolds hopes to make money off of quit-smoking aids, Genzyme pills contain trash, and a man regulates his bowel movements via remote control.
12/02/2009
00:34

Intro - 12/2/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Barack Obama sends 30,000 troops into Afghanistan, and Craig Watkins overturns old convictions with DNA evidence.
12/02/2009
06:11

Craig Watkins
The Colbert ReportS5

Craig Watkins tries to bring back credibility to the criminal justice system by overturning wrongful convictions.
12/02/2009
00:03

Sign Off - Goodnight
The Colbert ReportS5

That's it for the show, everybody.
12/02/2009
02:34

Tiger's Tale
The Colbert ReportS5

Tiger Woods didn't realize that cheating is a sacred institution between one man, one woman and one other woman.
12/03/2009
05:26

Skate Expectations - Skeleton Team Tryouts - Zach Lund
The Colbert ReportS5

Zach Lund gives Stephen the history of skeleton racing before helping him try out for the Olympic team.
12/03/2009
06:04

Janet Napolitano
The Colbert ReportS5

Janet Napolitano discusses America's border security and explains why she doesn't believe in the color-coded terror alert level.
12/03/2009
00:25

Sign Off - Welcome Sean Julien
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen welcomes the newest member of the Colbert Nation, Sean Julien.
12/03/2009
04:30

Skate Expectations - Skeleton Team Tryouts
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen isn't attending the Vancouver Olympics just to ombud -- he's going as a member of the U.S. Olympic team.
12/03/2009
00:31

Intro - 12/3/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Tiger Woods says he's sorry, Stephen has Olympic fever, and Janet Napolitano isn't securing the homeland.
12/03/2009
04:39

Tip/Wag - Jonas Brothers, Fox News & Japanese Burger King
The Colbert ReportS5

The Jonas Brothers promote the Xbox 360, Fox News enforces a new accuracy pledge, and Japanese Burger Kings sell a Windows 7 Whopper.
12/07/2009
02:05

Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard - Tongue-Eating Parasite
The Colbert ReportS5

Scientists discover a parasitic fish off the coast of New Jersey that survives by eating and replacing the host's tongue.
12/07/2009
04:49

Bill T. Jones
The Colbert ReportS5

Bill T. Jones describes how Fela Kuti fought against the Nigerian government with his music.
12/07/2009
00:35

Intro - 12/7/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen inflates his neck pouch to scare off predators and wonders what Disney movie "Fela!" is based on.
12/07/2009
03:04

Who's Attacking Me Now? - G. Edward DeSeve
The Colbert ReportS5

Stefan Colburt will fight G. Edward DeSeve anywhere in America, like Rhode Island's 65th District.
12/07/2009
05:02

Fed's Dead - Bernie Sanders
The Colbert ReportS5

Bernie Sanders doesn't want the government to run everything, but he calls for a fairer distribution of wealth and income.
12/08/2009
07:18

Andy Schlafly
The Colbert ReportS5

Andy Schlafly invites the best of the public to translate the Bible on Conservapedia.
12/08/2009
00:31

Intro - 12/8/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Ben Bernanke may lose his job, and Andy Schlafly creates a conservative version of Wikipedia.
12/08/2009
00:02

Sign Off - Goodnight
The Colbert ReportS5

That's it for the show, everybody.
12/08/2009
05:32

Fed's Dead
The Colbert ReportS5

People like Bernie Sanders want to pull down the Federal Reserve's pantaloons to look at its fiscal naughty parts.
12/08/2009
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