The Colbert Report
Intro - 12/3/09
Season 5 • 12/03/2009
Tiger Woods says he's sorry -- that he ever got a cell phone.
Deployment FiguresThe Colbert ReportS5
President Obama's speech to send 30,000 troops to Afghanistan was missing passion and a certain word.
Cheating Death - R.J. Reynolds, Genzyme & Bionic BottomThe Colbert ReportS5
R.J. Reynolds hopes to make money off of quit-smoking aids, Genzyme pills contain trash, and a man regulates his bowel movements via remote control.
Intro - 12/2/09The Colbert ReportS5
Barack Obama sends 30,000 troops into Afghanistan, and Craig Watkins overturns old convictions with DNA evidence.
Craig WatkinsThe Colbert ReportS5
Craig Watkins tries to bring back credibility to the criminal justice system by overturning wrongful convictions.
Tiger's TaleThe Colbert ReportS5
Tiger Woods didn't realize that cheating is a sacred institution between one man, one woman and one other woman.
Skate Expectations - Skeleton Team Tryouts - Zach LundThe Colbert ReportS5
Zach Lund gives Stephen the history of skeleton racing before helping him try out for the Olympic team.
Janet NapolitanoThe Colbert ReportS5
Janet Napolitano discusses America's border security and explains why she doesn't believe in the color-coded terror alert level.
Sign Off - Welcome Sean JulienThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen welcomes the newest member of the Colbert Nation, Sean Julien.
Skate Expectations - Skeleton Team TryoutsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen isn't attending the Vancouver Olympics just to ombud -- he's going as a member of the U.S. Olympic team.
Intro - 12/3/09The Colbert ReportS5
Tiger Woods says he's sorry, Stephen has Olympic fever, and Janet Napolitano isn't securing the homeland.
Tip/Wag - Jonas Brothers, Fox News & Japanese Burger KingThe Colbert ReportS5
The Jonas Brothers promote the Xbox 360, Fox News enforces a new accuracy pledge, and Japanese Burger Kings sell a Windows 7 Whopper.
Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard - Tongue-Eating ParasiteThe Colbert ReportS5
Scientists discover a parasitic fish off the coast of New Jersey that survives by eating and replacing the host's tongue.
Bill T. JonesThe Colbert ReportS5
Bill T. Jones describes how Fela Kuti fought against the Nigerian government with his music.
Intro - 12/7/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen inflates his neck pouch to scare off predators and wonders what Disney movie "Fela!" is based on.
Who's Attacking Me Now? - G. Edward DeSeveThe Colbert ReportS5
Stefan Colburt will fight G. Edward DeSeve anywhere in America, like Rhode Island's 65th District.
Fed's Dead - Bernie SandersThe Colbert ReportS5
Bernie Sanders doesn't want the government to run everything, but he calls for a fairer distribution of wealth and income.
Andy SchlaflyThe Colbert ReportS5
Andy Schlafly invites the best of the public to translate the Bible on Conservapedia.
Intro - 12/8/09The Colbert ReportS5
Ben Bernanke may lose his job, and Andy Schlafly creates a conservative version of Wikipedia.
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