The Colbert Report
Intro - 11/16/09
Season 5 • 11/16/2009
The gays want more. C'mon, we already gave 'em Doogie Howser.
Sign Off - Stephen Shaves Woody's HeadThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen shaves Woody Harrelson's head while they both sing "The Star-Spangled Banner."
The Word - The Money ShotThe Colbert ReportS5
If we want to save the U.S. dollar, we should peg it to America's most precious metal of all: lead.
Miracle Whip Buys Ad SpaceThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen is going to buy more delicious mayonnaise with the money from Miracle Whip's advertising.
Sport Report - Cricket Scandal & Letter-Writing CampaignThe Colbert ReportS5
A cricket coach encourages his players to have sex before matches, and Stephen starts his Canadian "Don't Be an Ice-Hole" letter-writing campaign.
Woody HarrelsonThe Colbert ReportS5
Woody Harrelson shows his support for the troops by allowing Stephen to shave his head.
Alpha Dog of the Week - Joe PerryThe Colbert ReportS5
Joe Perry has always been the face of Aerosmith -- you just might not know it because his hair is often in the way.
The Word - Skeletons in the ClosetThe Colbert ReportS5
How is the governor of Rhode Island supposed to rest in peace knowing that a couple of plots over two dudes are being gay dead?
Sign Off - Good Morning, BurmaThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen says good morning to anybody watching from Burma, and congratulations on owning a TV.
Obama Bows to Japanese EmperorThe Colbert ReportS5
President Obama brings great shame upon America by taking a deep bow to the emperor of Japan.
Paul GoldbergerThe Colbert ReportS5
Paul Goldberger says buildings bring out our emotions and are part of our most profound memories.
Intro - 11/16/09The Colbert ReportS5
Aerosmith breaks up to pursue separate nursing homes, and Paul Goldberger discusses Stephen's favorite architect, Mike Brady.
Kid Gloves - Marc KielburgerThe Colbert ReportS5
Marc Kielburger attempts to break the cycle of poverty by taking kids out of child labor and putting them in school.
Better Know a District - California's 12th - Jackie SpeierThe Colbert ReportS5
Representative Jackie Speier defends gay rights and shoots a viral skateboarding video for YouTube with Stephen.
Intro - 11/17/09The Colbert ReportS5
Congress cracks down on child labor, Stephen profiles California's 12th district, and Malcolm Gladwell talks about his new book.
Malcolm GladwellThe Colbert ReportS5
Malcolm Gladwell tries to get people to see connections between their own worlds and worlds outside of theirs.
The Word - Grand Old Pity PartyThe Colbert ReportS5
Fact checking and opposition research are the same thing to Sarah Palin because she knows the facts are out to get her.
Eggo Waffles Shortage AlertThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen puts America on Waff-Con Four and calls on President Obama to open the strategic waffle reserves.
ThreatDown - Quetzalcoatl, Santa Claus & Canadian Groin KickersThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen refuses to apologize to Quetzalcoatl, Santa Claus could make you sick, and a Canadian woman kicks strangers in the balls.
Norah JonesThe Colbert ReportS5
Norah Jones doesn't like her fans enough to get caught snorting coke in her underwear.
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