The Colbert Report
Intro - 10/28/09
Season 5 • 10/28/2009
What qualifies as a preexisting condition? If you have to ask, you probably have one.
Sign Off - Goodnight?The Colbert ReportS5
Brian Cox will be on tomorrow, unless this is a rerun.
Intro - 10/27/09The Colbert ReportS5
The Catholic Church reaches out to former members, and Gail Collins talks about the modern American woman.
Gail CollinsThe Colbert ReportS5
Gail Collins describes the last 50 years of progress made by American women and the new issues they face today.
George W. Bush's Motivational SpeechThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen would have loved to attend George W. Bush's "Get Motivated" seminar, but he couldn't afford the $4.95 admission fee.
Holy Water Under the Bridge - Randall BalmerThe Colbert ReportS5
Randall Balmer refuses to join the Catholic Church because he's suspicious of any religious group that defines itself in negative terms.
The Word - You-GenicsThe Colbert ReportS5
Your baby will never be denied health coverage for being too fat or too skinny if you mate with an insurance company CEO.
Joe Lieberman Is a True IndependentThe Colbert ReportS5
Joe Lieberman proves he's independent of his Connecticut constituents by opposing a public option in health care reform.
Sign Off - Future StephenThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen will stick a fork into a toaster unless his future self comes back to stop him.
Brian CoxThe Colbert ReportS5
Physicist Brian Cox, one of People Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive, discusses relativity and scientific bollocks.
Big Bang TheoryThe Colbert ReportS5
Physicists theorize that the Large Hadron Collider is being sabotaged from the future.
Intro - 10/28/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen finds out what broke the largest particle accelerator and preps for his interview with Brian Cox by watching "Baby Einstein" tapes.
USA Today Slams DirigiblesThe Colbert ReportS5
The USA Today smears the dirigible industry based on the technicality that the ships explode.
Sign Off - Thanks to Bill Simmons & Rosanne CashThe Colbert ReportS5
Put Rosanne Cash's new album on your list and drop some cash on it.
Bill SimmonsThe Colbert ReportS5
Bill Simmons believes Wilt Chamberlain was gay and compares Kobe Bryant to Teen Wolf.
Intro - 10/29/09The Colbert ReportS5
Gitmo prisoners may have been tortured with rock music, and Bill Simmons talks about his 700-page book on basketball.
We Got the Beating - Rosanne CashThe Colbert ReportS5
Rosanne Cash explains why she doesn't want her music used to torture Gitmo detainees.
ThreatDown - Halloween EditionThe Colbert ReportS5
Halloween masks spread the H1N1 virus, candy sends kids toward a life of crime, and dogs wear matching sexy costumes.
Intro - 11/2/09The Colbert ReportS5
Nicholas Thompson isn't going to show his face anytime soon after getting nailed by Stephen.
Alpha Dog of the Week - Arnold SchwarzeneggerThe Colbert ReportS5
Arnold Schwarzenegger comes up with the dirtiest hidden word puzzle since they discontinued the kid's menu at Hooters.
Used KarzaiThe Colbert ReportS5
Hamid Karzai is declared the winner of the Afghan election after Abdullah Abdullah withdraws from the race.
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