Games

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 03/25/2009

Demetri trades in fun, games and audience threats while reimagining pro sports as animal duels.

>> HELLO, EVERYONE.

DON GORDONALONG WITH STEVE EMERY

WELCOMING YOU BACKTO THE 2009 M GAMES.

THIS IS A REAL TESTOF A RACE,

THE MEN'S PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE800 METER,

WHERE ATHLETES HAVE TO RACETO THE FINISH

WHILE PRETENDING THEY DON'T CAREABOUT WINNING.

>> TO PARTICIPATEIN AN ACTUAL RACE

AND STILL ACTLIKE YOU'RE NOT THERE TO WIN

REQUIRES AN ALMOST INHUMAN LEVELOF PASSIVE AGGRESSION.

>> AND THESEARE SOME OF THE MOST

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BASTARDSON EARTH.

>> AND THERE'S LAST YEAR'SCHAMPION, JOHN BENJAMIN.

HE'S CALLED"NOT-A-BIG-DEAL" BEN

BECAUSE HE ALWAYS SAYSIT'S NOT A BIG DEAL

IF YOU DON'T PAY HIM BACK,

BUT WHEN HE GETS HOME,HE BEATS HIS DOG ANGRILY.

THERE'S MICHAEL NEWMAN.

>> THE SECRET TO HIS SUCCESS?

AND INCREDIBLY SMALL HEART.

IN THE NUMBER TWO POSITIONIS JOHN MULANEY.

THEY CALL HIM "THE CINCINNATIQUIET [bleep]HOLE."

>> ERIC DRYSDALE'S WARMING UP.

HE RECENTLY CHEATEDON HIS FIANCEE

WITH A GIRLHE WASN'T EVEN ATTRACTED TO

JUST SO HE WOULDN'T HAVETO GET MARRIED.

>> NEXT TO HIMIS DEMETRI MARTIN.

HE'S KNOWN FOR THE [...]LITTLE NOTES HE LEAVES

FOR HIS ROOMMATE INSTEADOF CONFRONTING HIM DIRECTLY.

AND, OF COURSE,THE NEWCOMER,

KENYA'S BIMWALE MBUTO,

THE FIRST PERSON IN KENYA

TO BREAK UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIENDVIA EMAIL.

>> WHAT A [bleep].

THEY'RE ON THE MARK,THEY'RE SET...

[gunshot]

AND THEY'RE STOPPING.

>> WOW, BIMWALE JUST IMPLODED.

HE'S GONNA BE DISQUALIFIED.

>> OKAY, HERE'S EVERYONEINSINCERELY WISHING

EACH OTHER GOOD LUCK.

NOW DRYSDALE PULLS AHEAD,

ACTING ABOVE IT ALLBY CLEANING HIS GLASSES.

AND MARTIN JOKINGIN A FRIENDLY MANNER

WHEN DEEP DOWN,HE DESPERATELY WANTS

TO HURT DRYSDALE'S FEELINGS.

>> WHAT'S THIS?

LOOKS LIKE MULANEY'S PRETENDINGTO GET A FUNNY TEXT.

HE ALSO DOES THIS AT PARTIES

SO PEOPLE WON'T KNOWHOW LONELY HE IS.

>> AND NEWMAN'S SUGGESTINGA GROUP PHOTO.

NOTICE HOW LONG HE TAKESTO PRESS THE BUTTON,

TORTURING EVERYONEWHO'S HOLDING A SMILE.

>> MARTIN SEEMS TO BE USINGHIS GIRLFRIEND TO PULL AHEAD.

SHE'S BEEN TRYING TO GET HIM

TO LOOK AT CARPET SAMPLESFOR WEEKS.

>> HE'S FINDING PROBLEMSWITH EVERY SINGLE SAMPLE

JUST TO AVOID RENOVATINGTHEIR APARTMENT.

>> AND HERE'S DRYSDALEINTRODUCING HIMSELF

TO MARTIN'S GIRLFRIEND,CLEVERLY TAKING THE LEAD.

>> AND NOW MARTIN'S JEALOUSAND IN SECOND PLACE.

>> TENSIONS STARTED BETWEENDRYSDALE AND MARTIN YESTERDAY

DURING THE 400 METERHURDLE SLALOM.

>> THAT'S RIGHT,THEY BOTH DECIDED

TO GO AROUND THEIR HURDLESIN THE SAME WAY,

THEREBY CAUSINGA SLIGHT COLLISION.

>> COMINGINTO THE HOME STRETCH.

>> AND HERE'S NEWMANAND BENJAMIN NECK AND NECK.

>> AND MARTIN HAS BROKEN AWAY.

HE'S GAINING ON NEWMANAND BENJAMIN.

>> NEWMAN IS SHOWING BENJAMINPICTURES OF NEWMAN'S HOUSE,

WHICH IS BIGGERTHAN BENJAMIN'S.

>> BENJAMIN'S CALLINGFOR POUND CAKE,

JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONETO SHOW CONCERN FOR HIM

BY ASKING ABOUTHIS EATING DISORDER.

>> AND HER COMES MARTININSINUATING HIMSELF

INTO THE CONVERSATION.

>> AND HE SNEEZESWITHOUT COVERING HIS MOUTH.

AND IT'S A PHOTO FINISH.

LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THATIN SLOW MOTION.

>> AND LOOK AT THIS.IT'S MARTIN BY A NOSE.

INCREDIBLE.

>> AMAZING.

>> AND LOOK AT BENJAMIN THEREJUST ENJOYING HIS POUND CAKE.

HIS LACKADAISICAL ATTITUDEWILL REALLY TAKE AWAY

FROM MARTIN'S SENSEOF VICTORY.

>> I'M DON GORDON.

>> I'M STEVE EMERY.

WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR.

>> IF YOU CARE TO TUNE IN.

DEVON COTTONFIELDHAS BROKEN FREE

FROM COUNTLESS ROMANTICENTANGLEMENTS.

HE IS THE WORLD'S GREATESTEMOTIONAL ESCAPE ARTIST.

>> TONIGHT'S ESCAPE ATTEMPT:FELICIA ADAMS.

AFTER NEARLY EIGHT MONTHSOF INTENSE DATING,

I HAVE FORMED A MONOGAMOUS,

COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPWITH FELICIA.

MY PLAN IS TO DUMP FELICIA LIVETONIGHT ON TELEVISION

AT NEW YORK'SMOST ROMANTIC RESTAURANT,

ONE IF BY LAND,TWO IF BY SEA.

I WILL BE SEATED HERE.

FELICIA WILL BE HERE.

I WILL DUMP FELICIA

AND THEN MAKE MY ESCAPE.

IT WILL BEMY MOST DARING ESCAPE EVER.

WE'VE SET UP HIDDEN CAMERASTO CAPTURE MY ESCAPE.

KEEP IN MIND,THIS WOMAN IS NOT AN ACTRESS,

AND WE ARE NOTALREADY BROKEN UP.

>> SO I TALKED TO MY PARENTS,AND THEY SAID

WE SHOULD COME UP TO PROVIDENCEFOR A WEEK THIS SUMMER.

>> THAT'S FUNNY.

WE NEVER DO ANYTHINGWITH MY PARENTS.

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> DID I SAYSOMETHING WAS WRONG?

IT WAS JUST AN OBSERVATION.

EXCUSE ME.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'VE MADE THE FIRST MOVEIN MY ESCAPE:

ACTING LIKE SOMETHING IS WRONG

WHILE INSISTINGTHAT NOTHING IS WRONG.

BUT FELICIAIS A DIFFICULT OPPONENT.

A FEW MORE MIND GAMES,

AND HOPEFULLY, HOPEFULLY,

I'LL BE FREE.

WATCH CLOSELY.

FOR YOU.

>> THAT'S SO SWEET.

>> FELICIA...

THERE'S SOMETHINGI NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

>> YEAH, THERE'S SOMETHINGI NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT TOO.

>> YOU GO FIRST.

>> I'M PREGNANT.

>> [clears throat]

EXCUSE ME.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

INCREDIBLE.FELICIA'S PREGNANT.

THIS IS A SURPRISE, TRULY.

I'VE ALWAYS USED CONDOMSWITH FELICIA.

ONE OF MY SPERMMUST HAVE ESCAPED.

THIS MAY BEAN IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE.

BUT WITH A LITTLE MAGIC,

HOPEFULLY, I CAN FREE MYSELF

FROM TWO PEOPLE.

ONCE.

ANOTHER ROSE FOR YOU.

>> OH.

>> AND ONE FOR THE BABY.

>> THANKS.

>> NOW, FELICIA,

WE NEED TO TALK.

>> I KNOW.

>> MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE--

>> IT'S NOT YOUR BABY.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> I SLEPT WITH SCOTT.

>> WHAT?

>> I'M SORRY.

>> YOU KNOW, SORRY'S NOTJUST GONNA MAKE

THAT DISAPPEAR.

>> DEVON--

>> [crying]

>> ALL RIGHT,I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU,

BUT I AM HAVINGTHIS BABY WITH SCOTT?

>> GOD, HOW COULD YOU BESO INSENSITIVE.

WE'VE BEEN GOING OUTFOR A LONG TIME.

[clears throat]

NO, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME.

I'M LEAVING YOU.

I'M ESCAPINGFROM THIS RELATIONSHIP

BECAUSE I AM DEVON COTTONFIELD,

[crying]

EMOTIONAL ESCAPE--

>> OKAY, LOOK AT ME.I DON'T--

>> TA-DA.

>> NO, I DON'T KNOWWHAT THAT MEANS,

BUT I'M GOINGTO GO NOW.

I'M SORRY.

>> [sobs]

GOOD LUCK.

SORRY I BROKE YOUR HEART,YOUNG LADY.

ANOTHER VICTIMOF DEVON COTTONFIELD.

[crying]

UPON BY BIRDS,

AND BIRDS HAVE FOUNDTHIS HILARIOUS.

BUT NOW IT IS PEOPLE

WHO WILL HAVETHE LAST LAUGH.

YOU LIKE THAT?

THOSE ARE CALLED MAN EGGS,

AND YOU JUST GOTBIRD-PRANKED.

>> QUACK.

>> CUCKAW.

>> COOKAW.

>> [giggles]

>> QUACK.

>> PSYCHE!

>> NICE.>> PRANKED IT AGAIN.

>> CUCKAW.

>> GO AHEAD.

EAT UP.

WHOOP.

[gunshots]

CAW.

>> BETWEEN MICHELANGELOAND DONATELLO,

BUT NOT AS MUCH ANYMORE,'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS DISAPPOINTED.

I'D ALWAYS RATHER SEETHE ACTUAL ANIMALS FIGHTING

THAN THE TEAMSWITH THOSE NAMES.

COLTS VERSUS BEARS:

YEAH.

WIZARDS VERSUS HEAT:

FREAKING AWESOME.

MAGIC VERSUS JAZZ:

THAT'S A LITTLE TOO GAYFOR ME.

I'M GONNA PASS ON THAT ONE.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE JAZZFIGHTING ANYTHING, MAN.

COME ON.

IF I WERE, LIKE,AN ANESTHESIOLOGIST,

I'D BE THE FUNNY GUYAT WORK, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, RIGHT WHEN SOMEONE'SGOING UNDER, I'D BE LIKE,

"NO, NO, NO, NO.WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OOPS, OOPS, SORRY."

I WISH BINGO WERE CALLED BOINGTHIS WHOLE TIME.

I MEAN, IT'S THE SAME LETTERS,YOU KNOW.

IT WOULDN'T BE, LIKE,THAT MUCH DIFFERENT.

BUT WHEN SOMEBODY WINS,IT WOULD SOUND SO MUCH BETTER.

"BOING!

I GOT IT.BOING."

THESE OLD PEOPLEARE BOUNCY.

I SAW A LADY WITH LONGFINGERNAILS, AND I THOUGHT,

"SOMEBODY SUCKS AT BOWLING."

I LIKE TO STAND OUTSIDEA SALON,

AND WHEN PEOPLE COME OUT,

I GO, "WHAT DID YOU DO?

"NO.

"MY GOD.

"I WATCHED YOU GO IN.

"YOU WERE FINE.

"HOW DOES A HAIRCUT MAKESOMEONE LOOK FATTER?

UNBELIEVABLE."

WHENEVER I SEE, LIKE,THE HIGH SCORES ON A VIDEO GAME,

I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD JUST PUT"IS LONELY" AFTER EACH ONE.

I WAS IN THIS ARCADE,

AND I SAW THE HIGH SCORESON THIS ONE GAME.

LIKE, THE SAME GUYHAD THEM ALL.

I GUESS IT WAS THIS GUY, TOM,

AND IT WAS JUST, LIKE,YOU KNOW, ALL TOM.

AND WHEN HE PUT THEM UP THERE,I KNOW HE MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE,

"TOM, TOM, TOM."

BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT IT,I READ IT LIKE,

"TOM, TOM, TOM.

YOU NEED TO GET A JOB."

[quirky rock music]

CALLED "GREATER THANOR EQUAL TO."

IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.

YOU JUST TAKE TWO THINGSAND YOU SEE

IF THEY'RE EQUAL OR IF ONE'SGREATER THAN THE OTHER ONE.

OKAY, SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.

A TURTLE IS GREATERTHAN A BABY NEPHEW.

'CAUSE IT'S OKAYIF YOU DROP THE TURTLE.

MUSTACHE IS EQUALTO THREE GOLD CHAINS...

IN CREEPINESS.

A RABBIT MADE OUT OF CANDYIS GREATER

THAN CANDY MADE OUTOF A RABBIT.

METEOR IS GREATERTHAN DINOSAUR,

BECAUSE 65 MILLION YEARS AGO

A METEOR STRUCK THE EARTH,

AND THE DINOSAURSTHEN BECAME EXTINCT.

BUT A POSTER OF A METEOR

IS EQUAL TO THE POSTEROF A DINOSAUR,

BECAUSE IF A MAN HAS THISIN HIS ROOM,

HE'S NOT GETTING LAID EVER.

WHALE WATCHING IS EQUALTO WATER STARING.

YEAH.

A JERK ON A MOTORCYCLEIS EQUAL TO A LEAF

BECAUSE I FIND IT BEAUTIFULWHEN THESE FALL.

THIS MIGHT BE CONTROVERSIAL,

BUT A PIPE IS GREATERTHAN A BONG

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE SMOKINGA PIPE,

AT LEAST IT LOOKS LIKEYOU'RE THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING.

AND FINALLY,

A RUBIK'S CUBEIS EQUAL TO A DRAG QUEEN

BECAUSE IT'S REALLY COLORFUL,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.

THAT'S "GREATER THANOR EQUAL TO."

THANKS.

THE GAME HAS BEEN THE SAME.

BUT NOW A NEW CHESS PIECEHAS ARRIVED,

AND IT WILL BLOW YOU AWAY.

THE ANNIHILATOR!

♪ ANNIHILATOOOR

FORGED FROM THE FIRESOF HELL,

AND OFFICIALLY SANCTIONEDBY THE WORLD CHESS FEDERATION.

>> CHECK.

>> SO WHERE IS THE ANNIHILATORALLOWED TO MOVE ON THE BOARD?

ANYWHERE IT GODDAMN WANTSTO MOVE.

>> CHECKMATE, MY FRIEND.

[explosion]

YES.

>> THE ANNIHILATOR:

CHESS JUST GOT [bleep]IN THE FACE.

>> CHECKMATE.

>> WARNING: DO NOT INGEST.

NEW FROM MARNEL.

THERE'S SO MANY BOARD GAMESWITH SO MANY DIFFERENT TITLES.