Joe List discusses coping with anxiety in yoga class, aggressive sex, strange male bonding rituals and his uncle's questionable babysitting methods.
One time I had sex with a woman,and, uh, she was, like, very...
I was singleand drinking at the time.
She was very aggressive,this girl.
It was, like, a one-night stand.
She, like, threw medown on the bed,
which I was kind of into and...
but then she goton top and, uh,
we started to make loveor whatever,
and it got really aggressive.
She just startedbouncing wildly.
No rhythm;just like a herky-jerky...
It was like she was ridinga bike with a flat tire.
I was like...
I was like, "Just pick upthe bike and run with it!"
Then it got more aggressive.
She started shoving my shoulders
into the bed really hard.
And then she startedcalling me a nerd.
She was like, "Yeah, you nerd!
You like that, you nerd?!"
I was like, "I don't like that!
"You're hurting my shoulders.
"And my feelings, also!
"Also, I'm not really a nerd.
"I just have bad eyesight.
"You're being very judgmental,all right?
"I understandI'm wearing glasses,
"but I'm a very good athlete
and-and I'm bad at mathand I hate sci-fi."
Also, I'm getting laidright now.
That's not very nerdy, is it?
It's pretty cool if you ask me.
Yeah, thank you.
Then she was like,"Shut up, you bitch!"
She started choking me.
If you're into choking,that's cool.
I'm not here to judge.
But you can't choke the firsttime you have sex with somebody.
I don't...You might be murdering me.
I have no idea who you are.
We didn't go over a safe word,so I just started guessing.
I was like, "Chocolate chips,Advil... pennies.
Please get off of me."
I guess that was her fetishwas to have sex with a nerd.
But she didn't run it by mebeforehand, you know?
In order for fetish sexto take place,
both parties haveto sign off on it, you know?
Like, I like high heelsduring sex.
But if the girl's not into it,I won't put them on.
You know what I mean?It's, uh...
I... That's just for the kids,that one.
That's a nice, silly,very silly...
My friend told me I should
meditate to relax,and that's always weird.
First of all,you ever try to read a book
and the opening quotebefore the book even starts
is too much for youto understand?
My friend told meI should meditate,
so I went to the bookstore,I picked up the meditation book.
Page one, it said,"Only that day dawns
to which you are awake."
I was like... (exhales)
Well, this bookis for somebody else.
I'm having a panic attack
trying to break downthe first sentence
in this book.
EvidentlyI'm too dumb to meditate.
I didn't know that was possible.
My friend's like, "You haveanxiety? You should meditate."
Oh, I should sit alone
in a room with nothingbut my thoughts?
That's a cure for anxiety?
What's your cure for my ADD,Sudoku?
I don't really...
He goes, "Meditation's easy.
You just lay still with youreyes closed for, like, an hour."
I'm like, "Isn't that a nap?
That seems awfully similarto a nap to me."
He's like, "No, it's different.
You let your mind wanderwherever it goes."
I'm like,"Yeah, that's a dream.
"That is a nap featuring a dream
"that you're referring to.
"Been doing thatsince I was a fetus.
It doesn't helpwith my anxiety."
So now I just take naps
and then I tell peopleI meditated.
You can do that.
That's not against the rules.
If you tell people you nap,they think that you're lazy.
If you tell people you meditate,
they think thatyou're better than them.
It's kind of nice, you know?