• Season 3, Ep 7
  • 10/13/2015

Kentucky Daisy claims land for the ladies, Gordon Cooper goes on a pioneering space mission, and former slave Bass Reeves becomes the inspiration for the Lone Ranger.

- Well, you're gonna do some talking.

- Hello.

- I'm Mark Gagliardi.

- I'm Mark Gagliardi.

- And today,we're gonna talk about...

- Oh, is this reallythat part of the thing?

- Yep.- Yeah, now you're woken up.

Here he comes.

- This is how television works,bitches.

- Ready? - Which camera?

- Action.

- Hi, I'm Mark Gagliardi.

[glass crashes]Today we're gonna talk about

Bass Reeves.

- [laughs]

- Bass Reeves is born as a slave.

One night,

Bass Reeves and his master

get in an argument over a poker game.

Bass Reeves...

punches his owner in the face.

And Bass Reaves thinks to himself,

Oh, [bleep], you guys, I just coldcocked my boss.

Listen, let's be honest, my owner.

This is probably not gonna be good for me.

So, Bass Reeves hightails it

to the Indian Territories of Oklahoma.

So, Bass Reeveswinds up living among

the Seminole Nation,

learning the language of allof these indigenous peoples.

And trained in the ways of Native American

tracking and hunting.

- Hmm, awesome.

- Ah, I appreciate you,Derek.

I love you.- I love you.

- You're my--listen, I'm--

We're gonna make a baby.

- Um...[both laugh]

- I may be aimed down at theground for the whole of this,

but don't worry about that.

In 1875 the U.S. is changing.

Taming the Wild West and all that kinda [bleep].

U.S. Marshal James Fagan knew that this was dangerous work.

He needed the guy that

full on dances with wolvesed in that area.

- [laughs] - So, Fagan goes to Reeves.

Hey, I have 75,000 square miles to cover

to bring bad guys to justice.

And Bass Reeves said,

Listen, I'm ambidextrous,

I can shoot a gun with both hands.

I'm 6'2" and 390 pounds.

I'm gonna be the guy that keeps you safe.

The only thing I can say to you is...

I'm gonna tape a--take a nap.[bleep] you.

- ♪ There he goes on the floor ♪

- Derek?- Mm-hmm?

- Take my hand.

- Good night, then.

- Night.


So, Bass Reeves is working as a U.S. Marshal,

picking up bad guys.

So, one of the bad guy thingsthat he does is,

he dresses himself upas an old beggar

at the homestead ofa couple of bad guys' mother.

He says, I'm just a poor old beggar.

I just need a place to stay for the night.

So she gives Bass Reeves a place to spend the night.

As soon as the two outlaws fell asleep,

Bass Reeves pulled down his shawl,

grabs his six shooter.

He says,The Bass w--hold on.

I'm gonna corner their dumb asses

while they're sleeping.

I'll sleep you--

I will sleep clack you into my handcuffs, bitches!

And I'm gonna grag you...

I'm gonna grag you--hold on.

I'm gonna drag your asses in jail

where I gathered up all the criminals.

- That's pretty badass.- Listen, mother[bleep],

I'll tell you this whole story,hold on.

This is how big a badassBass Reeves is.

The Brunter Brothers, another group of outlaws,

ambushed him at gunpoint.

Bass Reeves kept his cool,

turned to the first Brunter Brother and said,

I'm sorry, do you know what the date is today?

And as that brother was trying to figure out

the date for the day,

Bass Reeves shoots the first two brothers.

And then coldcockedthe other brother

and carried them backto the court at Fort Lewis.

And they're like, You know what?

[bleep] you, Bass Reeves!

[bleep] you and your knowing what's right and wrong!

[bleep] you, Honest...

Honest Jack Reeves!

[bleep] you,Bass Reeves,

and your wanting to givethe honesty to the people!

- Mark.- I love you.

- [laughing]

- I love you.

I'ma kiss you on your lips.

Derek Waters. - No.

- I'ma kiss you on your lips.

- I just wannahold your face.

- Will you finishthe story if I do this?

- I promiseI will.

- Promise?- I'm--

- No slapping.

- I'm not gonna slap you,Derek.

- What're yougonna do?

- Derek?[sighs]

- That wasvery nice.

- I'm gonnatake a nap now.

- Nope. You promised,if you could touch my face...

- I'll touch your face.- You were gonna finish

the [bleep] story.- I'ma finish it, hold on.

So, uh, one night,

Bass Reeves is chasing after Jim Webb.

He'd killed a ton of dudes, and Bass Reeves--

pew, pew, pew--

shot down this dude.

And this guy is laying there, on the ground,

looks up at Bass Reeves, and he says,

Bass, this bullet that is designed for you...

Nah, man.

I want this bullet to be designed

for people that [bleep] you up.

That guy, Jim Webb, gave that gun to Bass Reeves

because he respects him.


- Shh.Tell the story.

- I love you.- I love you.

- Bass Reeves threw more men in jail

than any other Marshal in U.S. history,

3,000 men.

And when he died,

his funeral was attended

by hundreds of people.



Native American...

and whatever the other thingwas that they had.

And they all went

to pay their respects to this,

the most important man,

of the wild frontier.

You know what?

Reeves was the inspiration...

for the Lone Ranger.

- How come more peopledon't know that Bass Reeves

is who inspiredthe Lone Ranger?

- Because he's black.

- That's sad.- Yeah.

- Well, we'rechanging history now.

- Where are you?- In the bushes.

- What're you doing in the bushes?

Come out and play.

- Have another drink.

Stop being a little bitch,Derek.


- That's good.I like this moustache.

Hi.My name is Laura--

My name is Laura Steinel.

And today we're talking aboutGordon Cooper.

The year is 1963.

Gordon Cooper, he's this military test pilot

from Oklahoma.

NASA had just begun.

And so, he was one of seven astronauts

chosen for Project Mercury.

Also, really chill.

He was like, Please, call me Gordo.

Don't call me Gordon.

I'm not that official.

Right? And so, all thesespace missions go off

without a hitch,and NASA's like,

We've done really well.Congrats, NASA.

And they're patting themselves on the back.

And Gordo's like, Guys, I totally get it.

Like, that's really cool, like, pats on the back.

But if you want to send a man to the moon,

you should maybe see if someone could

be in space for, I don't know, 24 hours.

And NASA's like, Ugh, yeah I guess, Gus.

Yeah, sure, Gus.

- Gordo. - Oh, [bleep], sorry.

I'm an idiot. - That's okay.

- All right, all right. - You're fine.

- So, Gordo goes on the launch pad.

NASA'd be like, Hey, just like, really quick...

Like, don't touch anything.

NASA would completely control everything.

It was so bad thatthe astronauts felt like, um,

spam in a can.- [chuckles]

- Is what they referredto themselves as.

So, anyway, he launches into space and it's like,

Three, two, one, blast off.

[mimics rocket firing]

Are you shooting that...Okay, good.

He gets up into space and everything's cool.

He's like, I'm orbiting the [bleep] Earth.

Oh, I'm sorry, I wa-- - You can swear.

- No, my mom-- I try not--

I'm not-- I'm gonna try not to swear.

So, he's in space.

He sends back the first TV images of a human,

back to Earth.

He has a little powdered roast beef dinner.

He's just having a ball.

So, he takes a nap.

The first guy to ever sleep in space.

He wakes up and he's like, It's good to be Gordo.

And then, he's like, Oh, [bleep], no, it's not.

Because...beep, beep.


I have no stabilization unit.