Sick Day

  • Season 2, Ep 13
  • 07/04/2016

Too much cough syrup foils a prank on Gary, a ninja bucks tradition to take down an organized crime ring, and the TripTank receptionist gets sick.

[traditional Japanese music]

- Hmm.[camera shutter clicking]

- Going to send this oneto ninjabuddy08.

Slide up in that bitch DMslike haha.

You know you like it.

And look at the size of--[clatter]

[clears throat]

both: Sir.- Yes.

Has the targetbeen spotted?

- Yes, sir,the mob boss Franky Fingerstink

and his entourage meeting inThe Tea Bagger fine china shop.

- Clearly a frontfor their true hideout.

- This is to be donein the true ninja way--

quickly, discreetly,and, above all else, silently.

Send the "dispatchment" teamin now.

- Uh, sir, there is alreadyan assassin on the scene.

- Yeah, we, uh, told himwe had it,

but he kind of insisted.

- Yeah, uh, in a ratherloud manner.

- Oh, Lord, no.

- All right, all right.This meeting will come to order.

First order of business--anybody caught posting selfies

on the organized lifein crime style Web page

will be immediately shotin the face.

[click, people grumbling]

- Wha--what the hell?What the hell just happened?

- I bet you spaghetti-slurpingmother[bleep] wondering

what the helljust happened, huh?

- Well, yeah,which would explain

why I just asked,"What the hell just happened?"

- You're asking yourselves"Where did the lights go?"

"Why am I suddenlyshrouded in darkness

being tormentedby the angel of death?"

Why?- Oh, shit.

Hey, while that guy was yelling,I found the light switch.

[people murmuring]- Right, now, where was I?

Oh, yeah--tormented by the angel of death,

waiting in darknessto be slain by the greatest--

God damn it.- Hey, I got the sandwiches.

You guys sitting aroundin the dark for?

- Holy--

- Your time in near!

All you bitches will tastemy cold mother[bleep] steel!

- Why's he yelling?I thought ninjas were

supposed to be, like, quietand stealthy and shit.

- Yeah, I was just thinkingthe same thing.

And why is he wearingfluorescent colors?

You can see this guy cominga mile away.

- Yeah, not very stealthyat all.

Pretty shittyas far as ninjas go.

- Yeah, pretty shitty,

By the way, I am impressed

with your usage of the word"stealthy."

- Yeah, I've been doinga bit of reading lately,

you know, in between beatingguys to death with baseball bats

and shooting peoplein the head and whatnot,

you know, trying to bea better me, you know?

- Yeah, I definitely seea difference.

- Well, thanks for noticing.- Don't mention--

- My sword is makingyou all his bitch!

I'm in your asswith no kiss!

- Is he rhyming?

Is this guy rhymingwhile talking?

God, that's annoying.

This is easily the most annoyingninja I have ever dealt with.

Well, I mean,it's the only ninja I--

- Death is my business, bitch,and business--

Oh, shit, my foot.

- Is this guy serious?He's the ninja?

The [bleep] ninja trippingover things in the dark?

- And business is good!

- Yeah, and I'm pretty sure

that's a catch phrasefrom some movie or some shit.

- What you gonna do whenI lay my vengeance down on you?

- He just mixed Hulk Hogan

with Samuel Jacksonfrom "Pulp Fiction."

I can't take no more of this.

- You shoot me, I shoot you?- Deal.

Sweet relief.

[lounge music]

[cheers and applause]

- All right, my next guest

just released a new album,"Emoji Hearts"

Please welcomethe very talented

Amber Twinklez.

[applause]

So, Amber,how does it feel

to have the number-one singlein America?

- It's crazy, y'all.

A few years ago,I came to this town with nothing

but a promise ringand a dream.

Now I'm about to goon a 20-city tour.

I just feelso doggone blessed.

all: Aww.

- Well, I'm surethat seeing your perform live

will make a lot of childrenaround the country

very happy.

- Yeah, well, my music

isn't just for, like, littlekids or whatever.

Hail Satan.

- Huh.Well, I can attest to that.

I, uh, sometimes catch myselfsinging your hits in the shower.

♪ Emoji heartsflying at me like darts ♪

[laughter]

I'm not very good.

- No, my songs are notfor humans.

They are for pansexual,robot dog-men

from the year 40,000 A.D.

- Woof, woof.

- That's really artistic.

It seems like you're growing upbefore our very eyes, Amber.

- That's just it.When you're a celebrity,

people don't want youto change.

I love my fans,but I need the freedom

to discoverwho I really am.

[roaring]

And if that meansreinventing myself,

I just hope peoplewon't hate me for that.

- That's great.That's so great.

Is there any--anything else?

Well, um, thank you for comingon the--the program, Amber?

- [male voice] Oh, no,thank you for having me.

You're a real mensch.

And everyone, please,but the album.

My grandkids,they love it,

and I think you will too.

- Amber Twinklez, everyone.

- [vomiting]

Sorry.I have a thing.

[cheers and applause]