Straight Up Juggahos

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 05/18/2011

To prevent Jillian from attending an important business function, the guys send her on a blind date, resulting in a rescue operation at an Insane Clown Posse concert.

WE'LL GET JILLIAN A MAN

TO TAKE HER OUTTHE SAME TIME AS THE MIXER.

STEP ONE--CREATE AN INTERNET PROFILE.

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.INTERESTS. WHAT'S JILLIAN INTO?

- MM...- SHE'S...

- MM...[sucking in air]

- UM...

- SHE'S A GIRL, SO...GERARD BUTLER.

- YEAH.- YEP.

- YEAH, THEY DO.THEY LOVE HIM.

- GOOD, GOOD...AND LET'S PUTSOMETHING TO ATTRACT GUYS,

LIKE...

- LIKE "FACE DOWN, ASS UP.

THAT'S THE WAY WE LIKE TO--"- UH, CAMPING WORKS.

- THAT'S THE WAYWE LIKE TO CAMP.

NOW WE JUST NEED A PICTUREOF HER FROM THE INTERNET.

OH, THERE WE GO.THAT ONE WORKS.

- IS, UH--AHEM--IS THEREANOTHER PHOTO WE COULD USE?

- WHY? THIS SAYS I'M YOUNG,I'M FUN,

AND I'VE GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR,THAT'S FOR SURE.

- IT ALSO SAYS I LIKE TO DOWEIRD STUFF IN THE BEDROOM,

WHICH...IN THIS INTERNET ERA...

DUDES LIKE THAT.- YEAH.

JUST THE BOOI WAS LOOKING FOR.

GET IN HERE.- WHERE YOU GOING?

- JUST A LITTLEHUG-AROO FOR YA.

- I'M SORRY...DO I KNOW YOU?

- [laughing]EHH!

NO, WE KNOW EACH OTHER.LAST YEAR...

IN THE STAIRWELL,WE...

UNDERNEATH THE SHIRT,

OVER THE BRA MANEUVFROM THE BACK SIDE.

I LIKE.I'LL SAY THAT.

- I WAS DRUNKER THAN I THOUGHT.- YEAH! MOST DEF. SO...

WHAT HAS BEEN POPPING OFFIN YOUR WORLD?

I'M SUPER-INTERESTED.

- LOOK, I DON'T WANTTO BE RUDE, OKAY,

BUT LAST YEARWAS A GIGANTIC MISTAKE.

- OH, YEAH, MOST DEF.FOR SURE.

- YOU'RE LIKE A FIVE.- YEAH.

- AND I'M LOOKING FOR MORE OFLIKE A NINE OR A TEN, YOU KNOW?

- OH, YEAH, NINE, TEN, FOR SURE.- YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- YEAH, MOST DEF.- TALL, RICH, HANDSOME.

CAN QUOTE FUNNY MOVIES.- FUNNY MOVIES?

YEAH, BABY, YEAH!

- OKAY.

- [lisping] IT'S NI-ICE!

IT'S NI-ICE!

- I GOTTA ASK, WHAT--WHAT BRINGS A GUY LIKE YOU

TO A PLACE LIKE THIS?

- AH! DIRECT.I LIKE THAT.

UH, I TELL YOU,IT STARTED TWO YEARS AGO

WHEN I CAME TO MY FIRSTJUGGALO CONCERT

TO SELL HATCHETS.- WAIT. YOU'RE IN SALES?

I'M IN SALES TOO!TELAMERICORP.

- T.A.C.?- YEAH.

- GET OUT! I DID BUSINESSWITH THEM A FEW YEARS AGO.

HEY, RO, ANDERS HEREWORKS FOR TELAMERICORP!

- OH, MY GOD.REALLY?

- THAT IS A PISS.YOU KNOW WHAT?

I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB.

LET ME GIVE YOUMY BUSINESS CARD.

MAYBE WE CAN TOSS EACH OTHERA LITTLE BUSINESS.

- YEAH, THAT'D BE GREAT.THANK YOU.

DO YOU, UH...DO YOU WANT MY CARD?

- SURE. I'D LOVE IT.- ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL JUST EXCHANGE CARDS.- YEAH.

- SO...THE MAKEUP, THAT'S...

THAT'S PART OFTHE SALES THING, RIGHT?

- NO, IT'S GONNA SOUND CRAZY,

BUT WE ACTUALLY HAVE FUN HERE.

GET THIS--LAST WEEKEND IN FRESNO,

THEY EVEN GOT ME ON STAGETO DO A RAPPING BATTLE.

- YOU RAPPED?- WELL, I'M NO ODB, BUT...

THEY DON'T JUDGE YOU HERE.

YOU WANNA GIVE IT A SHOT,JUST LET ME KNOW.

- ♪ BUT THOSE WHO KNOW ME KNOWI'M DEALING THE REALNESS ♪

♪ AND THEY CAN FEEL THIS LIKEA DOPE SET OF REAL TITS ♪

♪ AND WHEN I'M HITTIN' SKINSI ROCK AND I RING WITH THIS ♪

♪ SO KEEP IT TO SPINAL TAPLIKE MICHAEL MCKEANSY IS ♪

[loud cheering]

YEAH, BOY!

- JILLIAN?

JILLIAN. HEY.

- BLAKE!WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- UH...I'M HERE TO SAVE YA.YOU CALLED US.

- OH, DID I NOT CALL YOU BACK?EVERYTHING'S FINE.

YOU SHOULD STAYAT THE MIXER.

- WOW, YOU ARE SUPER-DRUNK,AREN'T YOU, JILLIAN?

- WHOOP WHOOPWHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOP.

THAT'S THE JUGGALO'S CALL.- ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

I'M GONNA GET YA OUTTA HERE.

LET'S GO GET SOMEWINE AND CHEESE.

- WHOA! WHO'S THISFAKE-ASS JUGGA-HO?

- DR. NEDEN, YOU KNOW BLAKE.

HEY, BLAKE, NEDENIS JUGGALO FOR [bleep].

SO I'M DEFINITELY GETTINGTHAT DONG NEAR THIS THONG.

- OH, WOW. OKAY, GREAT.UM, NO, BUT ACTUALLY,

I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS GUY IS.I'LL EXPLAIN THAT TO YOU LATER.

- SHE'S NOT GOIN' ANYWHEREWITH YOU.

AND IF YOU TOUCH HER,

I'LL KNOCK YOURDICK-TICKLER OFF YOUR FACE, SON.

- WHA--- HE MEANS YOUR MOUSTACHE.

- OH, YOU'RE SAYINGI TICKLE--

NO. UH-UH.

EVERYWHERE I TURN, IT'S BULLIES.BIG, FAT BULLIES.

- WHATEVER, PAULA POUNDSTONE.

- HA HA HA HA HA HA!PAULA POUNDSTONE.

NO! YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!

- BLAKE![thud]

- AAH!OH...[bleep]!

♪ HOMIES, HOMIES

♪ TALKIN' ABOUTROAD DOGS OF MINE ♪

♪ JUGGALO HOMIES

♪ HOMIES, HOMIES

♪ WE THROWIN' UPCLOWN LOVE SIGNS ♪

♪ REAL LIFE JUGGALO

♪ HOMIES, HOMIES

♪ TALK ABOUT THOSE

- OH, HELLO.LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE.

- WHOA! WHAT THE HELL?

- MM. JEALOUSYDOES NOT LOOK GOOD ON YOU.

- WHO ARE YOU?

- DOES THIS MANEUVRING ANY BELLS?

OHH.STAIRWELL?

OH, WAIT, THERE'S NO BRA HERE,AND I LIKE THAT MUCH BETTER.

- THIS IS SO WEIRD.

- MY TITS ARE TELLING METO SLEEP WITH YOU.

- MMM. I LIKE WHATYOUR TITS HAVE TO SAY.

- DONE DEALS.- GUESS WHAT, CHUMPS?

I DON'T EVEN NEEDYOUR CARD ANYMORE,

BECAUSE I'VE GOTTHE KING OF CARDS.

- HEY, JEFF, LOOK WHO'S BACK.

- DAVIS KING...

NUMBER ONE HATCHET SALESMANIN THE SOUTHWEST REGION.

BAH!

SCORE FOR THE DERS!

- JEFF, WHAT'S A DER?

- [bleep] YOU, DUDE.- NICE MAKEUP.

- THE DER.I GET CALLED THE DERS.

- HEY.

- WHAT'S THIS?MAKING FUN OF ME?

- QUITE THE CONTRARY.

I'M HERE FOR SOMETHINGTOTALLY DIFFERENT.

- GOOD.- AND THAT'S TO SAY I'M SORRY.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU SEE, I'VE LEARNEDA LOT ABOUT FAMILY TODAY.

AND MUCH LIKE BUTT HOLES,FAMILIES ARE MEANT TO BE TIGHT.

- 'SCUSE ME?- LOOK, MAN...

WE'RE ALL FAMILY, OKAY?AND I...

I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKETO BE TRAPPED IN A CHAIR.

I'VE BEEN IN THIS SEAT PRISONFOR LIKE 25 MINUTES NOW.

IT'S ROUGH.BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE BEENA JERK TO ME...

I STILL LOVE YA.

- THANKS, MAN.

GOT A LOTTA...ANGER I NEED TO WORK THROUGH.

TEND TO PUSH PEOPLE AWAY.

- HEY, LESS PUSHING,MORE HUGGING--WHAT DO YOU SAY?

GET IN HERE.- ALL RIGHT.

[grunting, laughing]

- NO, NO, NO, NO!- YOU MESS WITH MY FAMILY,

YOU MESS WITH ME!- NO, JAKE HEISENRIPBOWER!

- THAT'S RIGHT, NINJA.TIME TO SUCK THIS NUNCHUCK!

- SO LET'S NOT HANG OUTWITH JUGGALOS ANYMORE.

- THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHTTHEY WERE.

- WALKING, TALKINGDIARRHEA PEOPLE.

- BIG MONEY HUSTLA'SCOMING TO THANKSGIVING.

THOSE ARE HER BOOBS.OH, MY GOD!

[fighting, shouting]

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