Sexy Vampires

  • 10/30/2013

A hotel guest is blown away by the Continental breakfast, and a psycho's victims stay positive.

- ROOMMATE MEETING.

ROOMMATE MEETING!

- GOGO, WHAT THE HELL?I'VE GOT A HANGOVER!

- I DON'T GIVE A [bleep]

ABOUT YOUR HANGOVER,OKAY, BRENDAN?

I WANT A ROOMMATE MEETING,AND I WANT IT NOW!

OKAY.

NOW, SOMEBODY'SBEEN TAKING [bleep]

OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR

AND THROWING ITON THE GROUND,

AND IT'S PISSING ME OFF.

IS THIS ANOTHER ONEOF YOUR STUPID PRANKS, JONALD?

- NO.AND YOUR PRANKS ARE STUPID.

- IS IT YOU, MONDAY?- WHAT?

[eerie music]- I SAID,

SOMEBODY'S BEEN TAKING [bleep]OUT OF THE FRIDGE

AND THROWING ITON THE [bleep] GROUND.

AND I WANT TO KNOWWHO IT IS,

BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUNNY!

- WELL, WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS,

WHO KEEPS PULLING THE SHEETSOFF MY BED

AND HANGING THEMFROM THE CEILING FAN AT NIGHT?

- WAS THAT YOU, MONDAY?- WHAT?

- HAVE YOU BEEN TAKINGEVERYBODY'S SHEETS OFF THEM

IN THE NIGHT AND HANGING THEMFROM THE CEILING FANS?

- WHAT? NO.

- WELL, CLEARLY,SOMEONE'S BEEN DOING THAT!

[glass shatters]- WHOA!

WHO DID THAT?

- YEAH! WHO THE [bleep]JUST DID THAT?

- WHICH ONE OF YOUJUST THREW THAT BOTTLE?

- WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKINGABOUT RIGHT NOW?

- DID YOU [bleep]ING THROWTHAT BOTTLE, JONALD?

- NO, GOGO!

[bleep] YOU!I DIDN'T THROW IT!

- WELL, DID YOU [bleep]ING THROWTHAT BOTTLE, BRENDON?

- YEAH!YOU WOULD DO THAT, BRENDON.

- DUDE, NO!I DIDN'T THROW THE BOTTLE!

- WELL, SOMEBODY THREWTHAT [bleep]ING BOTTLE,

AND YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DREWDICKS ON EVERYONE'S FOREHEAD!

- YEAH, YOU DID DO THAT!

- BUT DICKS ARE HILARIOUS,THOUGH!

THIS IS JUST DESTRUCTIVE!

WHAT ABOUT YOU, MONDAY?

DID YOU THROW THAT BOTTLE?

[low growl]- WHAT BOTTLE?

- THE [bleep]ING BOTTLE, DUDE!

IT JUST SMASHEDAGAINST THE WALL,

AND YOU EVEN SAIDSOME [bleep] ABOUT IT!

- WELL, I DIDN'T THROWA BOTTLE.

- WELL, OBVIOUSLY,IT WASN'T PING.

HE'S GOT THE BEST GRADESIN THE HOUSE.

- [hisses]

- GOOD POINT, PING.

COME ON, GUYS, LET'S COOL ITWITH THE PROFANITY.

YOU KNOW PING'S VERY RELIGIOUS.

- [growls]

[guys groaning]

- AW, PING!- UGH!

- COME ON!

[spooky soul music]

[sultry industrial music]

BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

- [gasps]

- AH, TONIGHT,

THE NEWEST MEMBEROF OUR FAMILY

WILL FEASTFOR THE FIRST TIME.

all: [hissing]

- OPHELIA...

BRING THE NEW BLOOD.

AHH.

BROTHER TYRELL.

WELCOME TO THE FIRST NIGHTOF YOUR NEW AND--

WHAT ARE WE WEARING HERE?

- W--

UH, I-I'M JUST WEARINGWHAT I GOT BIT IN.

- MM-HMM.

OKAY.DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING BLACK?

OR, LIKE, PANTS WITH LACESUP THE SIDE OF THE LEG...

- [hisses]- WOULD BE GOOD,

JUST SO YOU CAN STILL SEETHE SKIN.

all: [gasping and hissing]

- UH, NO.

THAT'S NOT MY STYLE,

SO I AIN'T GOT NONE OF THATIN MY CLOSET

OR NOTHIN' LIKE THAT.

- OKAY.

ANYWAY, WE WILL TONIGHT

ALL FEAST!

all: [hissing]- [chortles]

- COME ON, MAN.

- EXCUSE ME?

- I'M JUST SAYING,

Y'ALL OVER HERE LICKINGAND--

AND HISSING AND WHATNOT.

IF WE GONNA EAT,THEN LET'S EAT. DAMN!

- Y-YES.

OF COURSE,WE WILL ALL FEED.

all: [hissing]

- OKAY, YEAH, THAT'S ENOUGH.

- SPREAD THE MEAT.

crunch!

- COOL. OKAY.

DID ANY OF THATACTUALLY GET IN YOUR MOUTH?

'CAUSE, I MEAN, NOW--SHOOT.

NO WONDER Y'ALL'S HUNGRYALL THE TIME.

all: [hissing]

- SEE--UH-UH, UH-UH.NO, NO, NO, NO.

SEE, LOOK,WHY Y'ALL GOTTA HISS

WHEN YOU FLASHIN' YOUR FANGS?

YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAKEYOUR TEETH COME OUT

WITHOUT DOINGALL THAT NONSENSE.

SEE?

[silence]

AND CAN YOU TWO GET A ROOM?

SERIOUSLY, Y'ALL LIVEIN A DAMN MANSION.

THERE GOTTA BE SOME OTHER PLACEYOU COULD DO THAT [bleep].

I MEAN, ARE YOU TWOEVEN LESBIANS?

LOOK, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTANDWHY EVERYTHING

GOTTA BE ALL SEXUALAND LICKY.

GIRL, SERIOUSLY, MAN.

YOU GOTTA GET YOUR HANDSUP OFF ME

'FORE I [bleep] YOU UP.

[bleep] IS NASTY.CREEPY AS [bleep].

BEEN TOUCHING MY NIPPLEFOR 15 MINUTES.

ALL THIS [bleep] Y'ALLIS DOING UP IN HERE?

THIS IS JUST, LIKE,STRAIGHT-UP GRATUITOUS.

I GOT BIT ON PURPOSESO I COULD LIVE FOREVER

AND SEE FUTURE CARS.

- YEAH, CYRUS,THESE PANTS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE.

- AND I ACTUALLYHAVE A BOYFRIEND.

- AND THIS SONG HAS BEEN PLAYINGFOR, LIKE, TWO YEARS,

AND IT SUCKS.

- WOW.- [sighs]

THIS JUST SEEMS...

DESPERATE.

- OKAY, DESPERATE?REALLY, TRISTAN?

- IT'S CHRISTIAN.

- REALLY?- HIS NAME AIN'T EVEN TRISTAN.

- SO DO YOU ALLFEEL THIS WAY?

- YEAH.- YEAH.

- KINDA.- YEAH.

- YEAH.

- [snorts]

WOW.

IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN GETGOOD FRIENDS--

NO, YOU'RE NOT EVEN--

OKAY, AND YOU'RE LEAVING NOW.THAT'S--

- I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT,DOG, SERIOUSLY,

LIKE, YOU COULD FIXTHIS PLACE UP.

IT'D BE DOPE, THOUGH.FOR REAL.

ARE CARS GONNA BE ABLETO FLY,

OR IS EVERYTHING GOING TO BEON A MAGNETIC TRACK?

I MEAN, THAT'S WHATI WANT TO KNOW.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

- THIS O-NEGATIVETASTES LIKE PENNIES.

- OH, I'M SORRY ABOUT--HEY, HEY.

NO, NO, NO, NIPPLE PLAYIS FOR PRIVATE TIME.

- WHAT IF ALL OF THIS LIFEWE THINK WE'RE LIVING

IS JUST A DREAM?

AND WHEN WE WAKE UP...[voice fades out]

- THIS IS SUCH BULL[bleep],YOU GUYS.

- YOU WILL BEIN ROOM 237.

AND YOU HAVEFREE WI-FI THERE.

ALSO, FROM 6:00 A.M.TO 10:00 A.M. EVERY MORNING,

THERE'S A FREECONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

- HMM.

CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

- YES, FROM 6:00 A.M.TO 10:00 A.M.

[phone rings]

- SO IT'S CONTINENTAL, THEN.

- MM-HMM, YEP.

[Muzak in background]

- VERY GOOD.

[gasps]

EH, GARCON.

[chuckles]

ONE ADMISSIONFOR THE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

- YOU CAN JUSTHELP YOURSELF, SIR.

- HMM, INTERESTING.

EUROPEAN STYLE.

[light classical music]

[chuckling]

MM.

AHH.

WHEN IN ROME...

HMM, THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT.

[chortles]

WELL, AREN'T YOUA TINY PLUM.

WELL, LA...DEE...

DA.

PAPER AND EVERYTHING.

AND WHO ARE YOU,

MY LITTLE FRIEND?

NOT A SPOON...

NOT A FORK...

BUT SOMETHING IN BETWEEN.

A "FPOON".

[chuckles]

WHAT WILL YOU THINK OF NEXT,GERMANY?

[humming softly]

AHH.

[chuckles delightedly]

ALL THE "EURO-PINE" COUNTRIESLAY BEFORE ME.

WHERE SHOULD I FLY TO FIRST?

AHH.

THE PIT OF THE DOUGHNUT.

MM, THANK YOU, TURKEY.

MM, BUCKLE UP.

LET'S SEEWHERE WE SHALL GO NEXT.

AH, THE DANISH!

CLEARLY FROM BRUSSELS.

MM.

MM, MM!

MM!

HELLO, GREECE,

WHERE THE YOGURT FLOWSLIKE WATER.

MM, YES,

LIKE GO-GURT,BUT TO STAY.

[chuckles]

MM.

MM, SO GOOD!

MM, PULLING INTO SPAIN.

MM!

BAKED TO PERFECTION.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

IT ALL COMESWITH THE ROOM!

[laughing]

MM!

MM, MM!

YES!

MM!

I LOVE BEING INCONTINENT!

I LOVE BEING INCONTINENT!

A DELIGHT TO THE SENSES,

ISN'T IT, MY FRIEND?

ISN'T IT? YES!

I'LL HAVEWHAT I'M HAVING!

[music crescendos]I'LL HAVE...

WHAT I'M HAVING!

[woman singing angelically]

[sobbing]

SO GOOD.

IT'S SO GOOD.

- THANKS.

OH, GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

- WELL, DAVIS,

I WILL BE STAYINGINDEFINITELY.

- BUT, SIR, DON'T YOU KNOWTHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN HERE?

[romantic big band music]

- REALLY?- MM-HMM.

- CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST?

- RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

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