Front-Yard Wrestling

  • Season 5, Ep 2
  • 01/21/2015

In order to raise enough money for their rent, the guys create a public access wrestling show.

- ONLY THE MOST POPULAR ONEON RANCHO CABLE ACCESS.

- WELCOME TO RANCHO.♪

TODAY, WE'RE AT HAMILTON SPRINGSPARK IN SOUTHERN RANCHO,

WHICH IS RUMOREDTO HAVE SOME NICE BENCHES.

- NICE BENCH.

- LIKE, IF BILL HAS A SHOW, WESHOULD DEFINITELY HAVE A SHOW.

BUT OURS WILL BE BETTER'CAUSE WE'LL GET, LIKE,

COOL, FAMOUS PEOPLELIKE JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME

AND FILM HIM DOING,LIKE, COOL STUFF.

- OH YEAH, WHAT IF WE, LIKE,

FILM HIM ON A ROAD TRIPACROSS AMERICA?

WE COULD CALL IT JEAN CLAUDE'S DAMN VAN.

- OKAY, YOU GUYS, WE CAN'T--

THAT'S ACTUALLY VERY COOL.

- THAT WAS A VERY GOOD IDEA.- RIGHT?

- WOW.- BLAKE, THAT WAS VERY GOOD.

- THANKS, BRO.

I JUST KIND OF FELL INTOTHAT ONE.

- JEAN CLAUDE'S DAMN VAN.I LOVE IT.

- BUT HERE'S SOMETHINGTHAT WE CAN ACTUALLY DO, OKAY?

PUBLIC ACCESS WRESTLING SHOW.

- OKAY, I'M ACTUALLYVERY PSYCHED FOR THAT,

'CAUSE I KNOW WE HAVE CASUALLYMENTIONED STARTING A FEDERATION,

BUT IT IS A DREAM OF MINE,

AND IF WE COULD GET IT ON TV,

I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLEWOULD PAY TO SEE US WRESTLE.

- EXACTLY, AND EVERYBODY'S SEENBACKYARD WRESTLING, RIGHT?

- DONE.IT'S PLAYED.

- BUT WHAT HAVEN'T THEY SEEN?

FRONT YARD WRESTLING.

ALSO, BECAUSE YOU LOST $100

WRESTLING INTER-RANCHO WRESTLING

CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH.

LET'S GET SWEATY AND WRESTLE!

COMING TO THE RINGNOW, YOU KNOW HIM,

YOU LOVE HIM--ESKIMOFO.

- RICKY, GET OUT.

- VERY LITTLE IS KNOWNABOUT ESKIMOFO, WAYMOND.

UH, I'M NOT SURE WHEREHE ACTUALLY COMES FROM.

- [yells]

- I WILL TEAR INTO MY OPPONENT

THE WAY THE MIGHTY KODIAK TEARSINTO A SALMON!

- OKAY, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

THIS IS--THIS IS NOT--

- HE'S REALLY DOING THIS.

HE MUST BE GOOD AT WRESTLING.

- I THINK I'M GONNA VOMIT.

I'LL SAY THAT RIGHT THERE.DISGUSTING.

WAYMOND, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, YOU PROBABLY LIKE THAT.YOU ARE ASIAN.

- AND NOW JOINING USIN THE EAST CORNER...

- COME UP.COME UP.

- A NEW KID ON THE SCENEBATTLING FOR THE BELT--

IT'S ADAM.

- WITH A SIMPLE NAME OF "ADAM."HERE WE ARE. HERE WE ARE.

- SNAP INTO WRESTLING!

AND SNAP INTO...

- OKAY, OH!

- SLIM JIM!

- DUDE, I DON'T KNOWIF WE CAN SAY THAT ON TV.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- OH, THAT WAS AWESOME.

- WE ARE RINGSIDE.WE'RE READY TO GET STARTED.

OOH, IT'S A FURIOUS STARTTO THE MATCH.

ESKIMOFO AND ADAM ARE DANCING.

- YEAH!- WHOA!

- OH, MY GOD.

ARE YOU OKAY?

- WAS THAT GOOD?- YEAH, YEAH, MAN.

YOU TOTALLY SOLD IT.- OKAY.

- YOU TRICKED ME.

- REAL QUICK,THOUGH--YOU'RE THE JABRONI.

- WHAT?NO.

WE DIDN'T PLAN IT THAT WAY,ALL RIGHT?

I WIN.I GET THE GIRL.

- OKAY, I'M GONNA SUPLEX YOU.- I'M GONNA SUPLEX YOU.

- ONE, TWO, SUPLEX.- TIME OUT!

- OH!

- OH, WELL, IF ITISN'T MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER,

BRATTY CATHY, EVERYONE.

- WHOO!GET HIM, BABY.

- THE COMMISSIONER'S DAUGHTERHAS SHOWED UP...

- EXCUSE ME.

- I SEE YOU'VE GOTTEN THE FUR

THAT DADDYBOUGHT YOU WITH ALL HIS MONEY.

- OOH, CHA-CHING, CHA-CHING.

- all: OH!

- LOVE IT!I LOVE IT!

- YOU READY TO WATCHYOUR BOYFRIEND

AND MY FAVORITE WRESTLER,ESKIMOFO, WIN THE MATCH?

- IS NOW THE TIME?

- NO, I ACTUALLYWANT ADAM TO WIN!

WHOO!

- ONE,TWO--

- OW!OW!

- NICE.- WHOO!

- I ALMOST PUT IT ON.- TWO, THREE!

- YEAH!

- CHILD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- THAT HURT.- CHAMPION.

- NO!- I'M THE CHAMPION.

- MY SWEET DAUGHTER'S ROOTINGFOR THAT GUY NOW?

NO!

[upbeat theme music]

- WELCOME TO RANCHO!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ADAM.

YOU WERE CHAMPIONOF LAST WEEK'S MATCH.

- THANK YOU.

THAT'S LIKE MY WRESTLING--

THANK YOU.

- BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT'S WEIRDTHAT YOU WON, CONSIDERING

YOU SEEM LIKE A TOTAL ZEROWITH NO PERSONALITY?

- YEAH. DO YOU--

MORE LIKE YOU DON'T.- GREAT.

REALLY, THE ONLY WRESTLER WITHANY PERSONALITY WAS ESKIMOFO.

- THANK YOU.

- THE RACIST CARICATUREOF AN INUIT.

- WELL...- WHAT?

- I DON'T--- WHOA.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.OKAY, NO.

EVERYTHING I DO AS ESKIMOFOIS AN HOMAGE

TO THE STRONG AND POWERFULIGLOO-DWELLING WHALE RIDERS.

- WELL, HERE'S WHAT A COUPLEOF AMERICAN INDIANS

WE INTERVIEWEDHAD TO SAY ABOUT ESKIMOFO.

[sad music]

- OH, THIS IS COOL-LOOKING.

- THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

I FIND THIS HIGHLY OFFENSIVE.

- THIS IS THE WORST THINGI'VE EVER SEEN.

SO OFFENSIVE.

WHY?

- THAT COULD'VE BEENABOUT ANYTHING.

SHE JUST SAID "WHY."- SHE'S AN ACTRESS.

I'VE SEEN HER IN MOVIES.- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS.

- SO WHAT DO YOU HAVETO SAY FOR YOURSELF?

- YOU DON'T HAVETO SAY ANYTHING.

- I--I MEAN, I NEVER MEANT TO,LIKE, HURT ANYBODY'S FEELINGS.

I LOVE THE ESKIMOS.I LOVE--IN-INU-INUTE?

- INUIT.- INU--

- OKAY, WELL, AND YOU CAN GETTHE [bleep] OUT OF HERE.

- THANK YOU.

- OKAY, 'CAUSE I'M MORE ANGRYTHAN ANY ESKIMO EVER COULD BE,

BECAUSE I'VE GOTA FREAKING DOPE PERSONALITY.

- OH, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUSTANOTHER GUY NAMED ADAM

FAKE WRESTLINGIN MY OLD TIME SLOT.

- SO THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.- OKAY.

- YEP.- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE DONE WITHYOUR NAME-CALLING

AND YOUR "GOTCHA" JOURNALISM.

- HIT THE ROAD.- IT'S TIME TO GO.

- GET OUT OF HERE.- GET OUT OF HERE!

- ALL YOU GUYS, GET YOUR CREW.

- DEL, YOU CAN EVICTUS ALL YOU WANT,

BUT, UM...I THINK WE'RE GONNAFINISH THIS MATCH.

- YEAH!- YEAH.

- YEAH!

- NOT ON MY PROPERTY,YOU'RE NOT.

- OH, DAMN, WAYMOND,IT JUST GOT REAL OUT HERE.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHINGLIKE THIS?

ANDERS, DO YOU THINKWE SHOULD SHUT THIS DOWN?

- NO, I DON'T, MONTEZ.

IN FACT, I DON'T KNOW WHYWE SHOULD DO ANYTHING

THIS GUY TELLS US TO DO.

- 'CAUSE I'M THE LORDOF THIS LAND, AND WHAT I--OH!

- OOH, THAT--OOH.

- ADAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

- HE WAS GONNA EVICT US ANYWAY,RIGHT?

- THAT DOESN'T MEANWE SHOULD KICK HIS ASS.

YOU ALL RIGHT?- OH, NO.

- NO, STOP.

- I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA ENJOYASS-KICKING YOUR DUMB ASS ASSES.

- HUH?- OH!

- DEL, NO!OH, NO!

- OH, A DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE!

- AAAH! AAAH!

- YEAH, BOY!

- AAH! URGH!

- OOH!

- AAAH!

- AAH!

- AAH!

- GOD, HE'S GOING NUTS.GOING BEAST MODE, YO.

- BREAK HIS HANDS, BLAKE!

- I CAN'T, MAN!HIS FOREARMS ARE TOO STRONG!

HE SCOOPS SO MUCH ICE CREAM.

- NO, NO.WHAT'S UP, YOU FAT LITTLE TURD.

YOU WANT SOME MORE OF THIS?HUH?

- YOU'RE A FAT--YOU ARE...

OW!- ADAM?

- P.S., I'M TAKINGYOUR SECURITY DEPOSIT.

- OH!- all: BOO!

- OH, YEAH, I'M THE BAD GUY.I'M THE BAD GUY.

ALL RIGHT, SHUT UP.JUST SHUT UP.

COME HERE.

TOMORROW, 2:30 TO 5:30,COLD STONE CREAMERY

ACROSS FROM THE JUNIOR HIGH--

HALF OFF ALL OREO OVERLOADS

AND BIRTHDAY CAKE REMIXES.

I'LL BE SCOOPING IT UPPERSONALLY.

OH, WHAT?WHAT?

YOU GUYS WANT THAT?

I'M GONNA GET YOUR BELT, AND I'MGONNA THROW IT IN THE TRASH!

- OH, MY GOODNESS.LOOK WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW.

- COME ON, GIVE IT TO ME.- HEY.

- GIVE IT TO ME.

- THEY'RE BOTH REACHINGFOR THE BELT.

THEY'RE TRYING TO GET THE BELT.IT'S A SLAP FIGHT.

- BE COOL!OW, OW!

- DEL--- COME HERE!

- WHOA.

- OH, MY GOODNESS!

ADAM AND DERS HAVE SLAMMEDDEL DOWN ON THE TABLE!

- WHOO!

- WHO'S THE CHAMP?- WHO--WHO--WHO?

- I CAN'T EVEN SPEAK ANYMORE,WAYMOND.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHINGTO SAY?

I MEAN, WAYMOND, DID YOU SEEWHAT JUST HAPPENED?

- YOU ALL JUSTMADE A HUGE MISTAKE.

YOU'LL BE HEARINGFROM MY LAWYER.

- HEY MAN, I MIGHT BE A CAT,BUT YOU'RE A PUSSY, DUDE!

- POONANNY!YEAH!