Santa/Petting Zoo

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 03/07/2013

Nathan stages a viral video at a petting zoo and sets up a summer Santa photo shoot.

A DESTINATION.

AND WHAT THEY NEEDEDWAS A STAR ANIMAL.

THE PLAN:TO CREATE A HERO PIG

BY STAGING A VIRAL VIDEO

IN WHICH HE RESCUES A BABY GOATFROM DROWNING.

- OH, OKAY.

- SO I THINKIF YOU HAD A VIDEO LIKE THAT,

PEOPLE WOULD COME FROM PLACESAS FOREIGN AS JAPAN,

AND EVEN MORE FOREIGNLIKE CHINA,

JUST TO SEE YOUR HERO PIG.

- THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

- THE FIRST STEPWAS PICKING OUR ANIMALS.

VINCE WOULD BE OUR HERO PIG,

AND GANGSTER THE GOATWOULD BE OUR VICTIM.

THE ZOO HADA LARGE TROUT POND,

SO THIS WOULD BE THE SETTINGFOR OUR RESCUE.

BUT WHEN I BROUGHT VINCENEAR THE WATER,

I REALIZEDHE WAS AN INCREDIBLE COWARD.

[Vince squealing]OKAY, OKAY!

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!- NO, NO, NO, NO!

- SO WE HIREDSOME ANIMAL HANDLERS

TO BRING INA PROFESSIONAL MOVIE PIG

THAT LOOKED IDENTICALTO VINCE.

THE QUESTION NOW WASHOW DO WE GET A PIG

TO RESCUE A GOAT ON CAMERA?

ANSWER?YOU CAN'T.

SO I DECIDED TO HAVETWO SCUBA DIVERS

SECRETLY SUBMERGEDBENEATH THE ANIMALS

GUIDING THE PIGTOWARDS THE GOAT

TO MAKE IT LOOKLIKE A REAL RESCUE.

DURINGTHE FIRST COUPLE ATTEMPTS,

THE PIG KEPT SLIPPINGOUT OF THE DIVERS' HANDS.

SO WE DECIDED TO BUILDAN UNDERWATER TRACK

OUT OF PVC TO GUIDE THE PIG

LIKE A BOWLING BALLGOING DOWN A BUMPER LANE.

THIS WORKED A LOT BETTER,

AND I WAS HOPEFUL IT WOULDFOOL THE INTERNET AUDIENCE

INTO BELIEVINGTHIS VIDEO WAS REAL.

BUT AS THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLEINVOLVED BEGAN TO GROW,

INCLUDING ANIMAL TRAINERS,STUNTMEN,

AND HUMANE SOCIETY REPS,I STARTED TO GET WORRIED.

AFTER ALL, WORD COULDN'T GET OUTTHAT THIS WAS FAKE

OR IT WOULD BEA DISASTROUS SCANDAL

FOR OAK GLEN.

SO I ASKED EVERYONE ON SET TOSIGN NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENTS

STATING THAT THEY SWORENOT TO TELL ANYONE

THE RESCUE WAS FAKE

OR ELSE THEY WOULD FACETHE DEATH PENALTY.

EVEN THOUGH MY LAWYER SAIDTHE DEATH PENALTY CLAUSE

WAS NOT ENFORCEABLE,

I STILL WANTEDTO LEAVE IT IN THERE

SO PEOPLE KNEWHOW SERIOUS I WAS.

AFTER SEVERAL FAILED ATTEMPTS,

WE FINALLY GOTTHE RESCUE ON TAPE.

[goat crying]

SO THAT WE COULD PRINTTHE PHOTOS RIGHT THERE.

- RIGHT.

- YOU KNOW,SO WE DO THE DIGITAL.

WE GET THE PICTURES TAKEN.- SURE, SURE.

- SO THAT MIGHT HELPDRAW MORE PEOPLE IN.

- RIGHT, SO I SPOKE

TO THE DIRECTOR OF MARKETINGAT THE MALL.

- OKAY.

- AND...UH...

- THEY'RE OKAYWITH US DOING IT?

YEAH?GREAT.

SO WE'RE GONNAMAKE THIS HAPPEN THEN.

THAT'S OUTSTANDING.[laughter]

- YEAH.- GOOD.

- YEAH.- I JUST GOTTA SAY THANK YOU.

REALLY.I THINK THIS IS AWESOME.

- JAMES SEEMED SO EXCITED,

AND I JUST DIDN'THAVE THE HEART

TO TELL HIM THAT HEWASN'T WANTED BY THE MALL.

SO MY ONLY GOALWAS TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

MY HOPE WAS THAT,IF WE GOT IN THERE EARLY,

WE COULD DO ABOUT 1/2 HOUR'SWORTH OF PHOTOS WITH JAMES

BEFORE ANYONE REALIZEDWE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE.

SO ON THE MORNINGOF AUGUST 2ND,

WE QUIETLY PULLED OUR TRUCK UPBEHIND THE JCPENNEY.

AND BEFORE UNLOADINGTHE VILLAGE,

I HAD A QUICK WORDWITH JAMES.

JUST SO YOU KNOW,IF I EVER SAY "ABORT,"

WE SHOULD JUST WALKTO THE EXIT IF YOU CAN.

- ABORT.- YEAH.

- UM...

OKAY.

- OKAY.THAT'S IT.

ALL RIGHT,QUICKER, GUYS.

WE'RE GONNA BE DOINGA SANTA DISPLAY SOON.

MAYBE OVER HERE.

MAYBE, LIKE,THE BACKGROUND IS HERE.

DO YOU WANT YOUR PICTURE TAKENWITH SANTA?

COME.

- HI, THERE.- HEY, YEAH!

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?- HERE, COME HERE, LITTLE ONE.

YES.YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

YEAH.

BIG SMILE.LOOK AT THE CAMERA.

- THE MALL MANAGER.WHAT'S HER NAME AGAIN?

I'M, UH, NAT--I'M JUST AN ELF.

WAIT.UM--

WOULD YOU LIKEYOUR PHOTO TAKEN WITH SANTA?

$5 ONLY.

IT'S DISCOUNTED PRICES'CAUSE IT'S EARLIER IN THE YEAR.

- EXCUSE ME.- OKAY, COME.

OKAY.

LET'S GO.COME ON.

- THIS WAY.

[radio chatter]

EXCUSE ME.

HEY, CAN YOU STAY AWAYFROM THE CAMERAS, PLEASE?

YOU CAN'T GO IN FRONT OF--PLEASE.

CAN YOU STAY AWAYFROM OUR CAMERA PERSON?

OKAY, WE'RE GOING.- THAT'S NICE.

- WE ARE LEAVING.

- NATHAN, YOU WANT METO STOP HIM?

I SAID, DOES HE WANT METO STOP YOU?

YEAH.

[cackling]

YOU'VE NEVER MESSEDWITH SANTA CLAUS, HAVE YOU?

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.- JUST COOL IT, DUDE.

- NO, IT'S OKAY.JAMES.

I'M OUT OF THE DOOR.STOP IT.

- OH, MY GOODNESS.- JAMES, COME WITH ME.

[We Wish You a Merry Christmasplaying]

OKAY, I KNOW--WE'RE BOTHTRYING TO DO OUR JOBS.

OKAY, DON'T SWEAR.THERE'S KIDS AROUND.

DO NOT SWEAR.- NOW!

- THERE'S KIDS AROUND.

YOU CAN'T SWEARWHEN THERE'S CHILDREN AROUND.

YES, I'M WALKING.

WE'RE BOTH TRYING TO DOOUR JOBS, OKAY?

SO YOU CAN'T THINK YOUR JOB'SMORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE.

- WELL--

- WATCH OUT.

- STAY BACK, PLEASE.

YOU CAN'T SAY THE "F" WORDAROUND KIDS.

- WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

BEEN UPLOADED,

AND I WAS ALREADYGETTING WORRIED

ABOUT PEOPLE REVEALINGTHE SECRET.

PLUS,WATCHING THE VIDEO AGAIN,

I STARTED TO DOUBTTHAT THIS WOULD FOOL ANYONE.

- GOAT IN THE WATER!

- ALL I COULD DO AT THIS POINTWAS UPLOAD THE VIDEO

AND LET THE PUBLIC DECIDE.

- GOAT IN THE WATER!

- WHEN I WOKE UPTHE NEXT MORNING,

I WAS ASTOUNDED TO SEETHAT THE VIDEO HAD BEEN POSTED

ON GAWKER, eBAUMSWORLD,

AND A BODYBUILDINGMESSAGE BOARD.

IT HAD OVER 3,000 VIEWS,

AND THAT WAS WAY MORETHAN I EVER EXPECTED.

THEN I SAW IT WAS CLIMBINGTHE CHARTS ON REDDIT.

THEN I CHECKED THE VIEW COUNTAN HOUR LATER.

HOLY [bleep].

- BY THE WAY, THIS MAY SOUNDLIKE A SEA RESCUE,

BUT A GOAT--A BABY GOAT--

GETS STUCK IN WATER.

- THIS IS SOME PIG.YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.

A GOAT AT A PETTING ZOOGOT STUCK IN A LAKE.

- THIS REALLY HAPPENED.- THAT WAS COOL!

- HAVE NO FEAR,THERE'S A PIG THERE.

I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T DO THISAT WARNER BROTHERS

AS A CARTOONAND MAKE IT SEEM MORE REALISTIC.

- WE'RE WAYWARD DUTY-BOUNDTO PASS THIS ON.

IT'S THE LEADINGWEB VIDEO TODAY.

WHILE WE HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWINGIF IT'S REAL,

THIS WAS APPARENTLY SHOTAT A PETTING ZOO.

- GOAT IN THE WATER!

- THAT'S A BABY GOATWHO GOT OUT INTO TOO DEEP WATER.

BEGINS CRYING FOR HELP.

ENTER THIS PIG.

- [speaking native language]

- [singing]

- IT SEEMED LIKE THE WHOLE WORLDWAS TALKING ABOUT MY VIDEO.

FOR A MOMENT, I FELT BADBECAUSE IT WASN'T REAL.

BUT THEN I REALIZEDTHAT THAT DIDN'T MATTER.

- INTERSPECIES,HE WENT AND HELPED--

LEARN FROM IT, HUMANS.

- IN THESE CYNICAL TIMES,

PEOPLE ARE DESPERATEFOR SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN.

AND I GAVE PEOPLE A REMINDERTHAT IT'S OKAY JUST TO BELIEVE.

- HOW DID THE PIGFREE THE GOAT?

- JUST KINDA GUIDED IT,JUST PUSHED HIM.

[laughter]

- EVERY DAY WITH ELIZABETHIS LIKE "HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

- I ALWAYS KNEW THIS VIDEOWAS SOMETHING SPECIAL.

AND THAT'S WHY,IN THE END,

I DECIDED NOT TO PUT THE NAMEOF THE PETTING ZOO ON IT.

I DIDN'T WANT ITTO COME ACROSS LIKE AN AD,

YOU KNOW, FOR THE PETTING ZOO.- MM-HMM, RIGHT.

- I THOUGHT IT WOULD BEA BIT TRANSPARENT.

- BUT IF PEOPLE WOULD'VE KNOWNTHAT IT WAS OAK TREE VILLAGE--

- BUT I MEAN,YOU CAN'T BE SO SELFISH.

- SELFISH?

- WELL, I MEAN,IF PEOPLE LOVE THE VIDEO,

IT'S LIKE--

CAN'T JUST BEALL ABOUT THE BUSINESS.

- BUT THAT'S WHAT IT WASSUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT

WHEN YOU FIRST CAME UP.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BEABOUT THE BUSINESS.

- TERRY JUST DIDN'T SEEMTO UNDERSTAND.

BUT I DON'T LEAVE THOSETHAT I HELP EMPTY-HANDED.

THAT'S WHY I MADE HERTHIS SIGN.

I SEE WHAT'S PROBABLY A TEENAGERHEADED DOWN THE WRONG PATH.

SO I DECIDED TO CATCH A TEENDOING GRAFFITI

AND THEN WARN HIS PARENTS BEFOREHE TURNS TO A LIFE OF CRIME.

TO DO THIS, I CREATED A SERIESOF FAKE PROMOTIONAL POSTERS

FOR MY TV SHOWTHAT MAY SEEM INNOCUOUS,

BUT TO AN IMMATURE VANDAL,

WOULD BE EXTREMELY TEMPTINGTO DEFACE.

TO SEE WHICH ONEWOULD WORK BEST,

WE LEFT THE POSTERS UPFOR A WEEK IN SEVERAL LOCATIONS

AROUND THE CITYOF LOS ANGELES.

TO MY SURPRISE,

THE "EVERY PENNY COUNTS" POSTER,

"RISK EQUALS REWARD,"

"TIE SHOES FOR SAFETY,"

AND "BE FLEXIBLE"

DIDN'T ATTRACT ANY GRAFFITIAT ALL.

HOWEVER, "DREAM BIG"

AND "STAND UPTO THE BIG GUYS" DID.

I DECIDED TO GOWITH "STAND UP TO THE BIG GUYS"

SINCE THERE WAS OPPORTUNITYFOR TWO [bleep]S

AND PUT IT UP ON A WALLNEAR A LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL.

I LEFT A PENAND ADDED A STICKER

THAT WOULD MAKE THE ACTEVEN MORE IRRESISTIBLE

TO AN IMMATURE SMART ALECK.

WITH ALL THE ELEMENTSIN PLACE,

I WATCHED FROM A VANACROSS THE STREET,

READY TO POUNCEAT ANY MOMENT.

- AS MY STAKEOUTFOR A YOUNG VANDAL CONTINUED,

I WAS STARTINGTO GET FRUSTRATED.

I'D BEEN MONITORINGTHE POSTER FOR OVER FOUR HOURS,

AND NO ONE HAD DEFACED IT.

FOR A MOMENT, I THOUGHTTHIS WASN'T GOING TO WORK.

BUT I WAS QUICKLYPROVEN WRONG.

OH, HE'S TAKING THE PEN.

OH, MY GOD.

HE'S ACTUALLY DOING IT.ON CAMERA.

LET'S GO!LET'S GO!

HEY, MAN.- HEY.

- HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?- IT'S GOING.

- COOL,WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?

OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY.YOU DREW A [bleep].

- YEAH.- YEAH, THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.

WE'RE DOING A SHOWABOUT TEENS--COOL TEENS--

CALLED "TEEN STREET."- UH-HUH.

- IS IT COOL IF WE ASK YOUA FEW QUESTIONS FOR THE SHOW?

- SURE, NO PROBLEM.- ALL RIGHT, COOL.

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.THAT'S MEGA FUNNY.

THIS TEEN WAS NO GOOD,

AND HIS PARENTS NEEDED TO KNOWWHAT HE DID.

SO TO EARN HIS TRUST,

I TOLD HIMWE WANTED TO MAKE

AN ENTIRE "TEEN STREET" EPISODEABOUT HIM.

SO WE SPENT THE RESTOF HIS AFTERNOON

SHOOTING SEGMENTSFOR A FAKE SHOW.

[beeping]

- WHAT UP!I'M KYLE.

19 YEARS OLD.AND THIS IS "TEEN STREET."

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,[bleep] YOU.

[laughing] I DO WHATEVERTHE [bleep] I WANT,

AND I CAN DOWHATEVER I WANT.

THE THING I'M MOST PROUD OFIS I MAKE [bleep]LOAD OF MONEY.

NO REGRETS.[cheers and applause sounds]

- LISTEN TO THAT!

- BAM.

YEAH, I SKATED FOR SIX YEARS,PLAYED THE DRUMS FOR SIX YEARS,

AND DID MUAY TAIAND BRAZILIAN JIU JITSU.

YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOUR MOM.

IF YOU DON'T,GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

- THIS SHOW IS ABOUTTHE COOLEST TEENS IN TOWN.

both: "TEEN STREET," BITCHES!

- FIRST TATTOO WHEN I WAS 13.

THIS IS THE ONLY GIRLTHAT NEVER COMPLAINS TO ME.

[moaning][laughing]

ALL RIGHT, SO NOW I'M GONNASHOW YOU WHERE I LIVE.

LET'S DO THIS.

- FOR THE FINAL PARTOF THE SEGMENT,

I SAID WE HAD TO DO A TOUROF HIS HOUSE.

HE DIDN'T KNOW IT,

BUT HE WAS LEADING MERIGHT TO HIS PARENTS,

AND I WAS GOING TO TELL THEMWHAT HE DID TO MY POSTER.

- WHAT UP?THIS IS MY PAD.

THIS IS WHERE I SPEND MY TIMEMAKING TROUBLE.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A TOURREAL QUICK.

- SO WHO'S THIS LOVELY LADY?

- THIS IS MY MOM SHERI.- AWESOME, MAN.

- NICE TO MEET YOU.- GUESS TEENS HAVE MOMS.

- RIGHT?- YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, BUT WE NEEDTO STOP LAUGHING FOR A MOMENT,

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO SIT DOWN.I HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.

- OKAY.

- HE'S DRAWN TWO PENISESRIGHT THERE.

AND YOU CAN SEEI'M HOLDING THEM

AS IF I'M MASTURBATINGTHESE TWO MEN.

- [laughs]- YOUR S--YOU'RE LAUGHING.

- I DON'T--- WHAT DO YOU FIND--

IS THAT FUNNY TO YOU?- I--NO.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY.- THE PENISES?

DO YOU LIKE THAT?- NO.

- BEING HELD LIKE THAT?[laughter]

IS THAT--SO THIS IS--OKAY.

SO THIS IS FUNNY TO YOU.

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