The Seance

  • Season 2, Ep 3
  • 09/19/2014

After a bad experience at a seance, Adam runs into trouble while hosting performances from Matteo Lane, Mark Serritella and Erik Griffin.

- JOIN HANDS.

- OKAY.

- I DON'T WANT TO.- COME ON.

- [bleep] ASSHOLE.

- SPIRITS OF THE PAST,

MOVE AMONG US.

BE GUIDED BY THE LIGHTOF THIS WORLD,

AND VISIT UPON US.

- [imitates fart]

EW, SHE TOOTED,GROSS!

DID YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?

- WE SUMMON YOU TO JOIN USAT THIS TABLE,

AND HONOR YOUR PRESENCETHIS EVENING.

- YOU THINK SHE LIKESWHITE BOYS?

- REPEAT THIS CHANT AFTER ME.

SPIRIT, YOU ARE WELCOME.

- BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.all: SPIRIT, YOU ARE WELCOME.

- LEAVE THE DARKNESS, COME!

- COME! [laughs] COME,LIKE JIZZ, LIKE EJACULATE.

- COME OUT OF THE DARKNESS,

INTO THE LIGHT.

[speaking in tongues]

- [opens a can]

- WHO DARES DISGRACE MY CHAMBERS

WITH ALCOHOL?

- I DON'T KNOW.- YOUR PRESENCE WILL WELCOME

UNWANTED ENTITIES.

[groaning]

AH, YOU...

ARE CURSED!

- REMEMBER WHEN SHE TOOTEDEARLIER? [laughs]

[theme music plays]

- [singing opera]

[laughter and applause]

- OH MY GOSH, YOU GUYS,THAT IS A TRUE STORY,

OF HOW I CAME OUT TO MY DAD.

[laughter]

IT WAS A VERY SHORTCONVERSATION, YOU KNOW? [laughs]

WE'RE ITALIAN.UH, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE,GENERALLY, PEOPLE DON'T KNOW

HOW TO TALK TO GAY PEOPLE.

LIKE, I WORK WITH THIS WOMAN,

AND I FEEL LIKE,NO MATTER WHAT I DO,

SHE SOMEHOW HAS TOMAKE IT ABOUT

ME BEING GAY,NO MATTER WHAT I DO.

LIKE, I WAS GETTING COFFEE,AND SHE WAS LIKE,

"THAT'S FUNNY, YOU EVEN STANDIN A GAY WAY."

WELL THEN YOU STANDLIKE A [bleep], PATTY.

[laughter]

I MEAN, IN HER DEFENSE,I WAS WEARING A BOA, SO...

IT'S KINDA GAY.

BUT I DO FEEL LIKEPEOPLE ARE STUPID, RIGHT?

- YEAH!- [laughs] EVERYONE...YES!

LIKE,I GO INTO STARBUCKS SOMETIMES,

IF THEY'RE REALLY BUSY,THEY'LL ASK FOR YOUR NAME,

TO PUT ITON THE BACK OF THE CUP.

SO I WALK IN,SHE ASKS FOR MY NAME,

I SAY "MATTEO,"

SHE TURNS AROUND,MAKES MY DRINK,

SHE COMES BACK...

IT SAYS "POTATO."[laughter]

GUYS...

SHE THOUGHT...

THAT I CONFIDENTLY TOLD HER,

"I'D LIKEA GRANDE AMERICANA, PLEASE.

POTATO.

WITH A 'P.'

IT'S A BUNCH OF IDIOTSWHO WORK HERE."

[laughs]

I AM TRYING ONLINE DATING,WHICH, I FEEL LIKE

BEFORE STAND-UP.

[cheers]

NICE, I LIKE THAT.TEACHERS DRINKING ON A MONDAY,

NEVER A GOOD THING.

TAUGHT KINDERGARTEN,FOR A WHILE.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER KINDERGARTENWAS GREAT, WHEN YOU WERE IN IT?

IT WAS HALF A DAY,THERE WAS A NAP INVOLVED,

FOR NO REASON?NOW, IT SUCKS.

IT'S A FULL DAY,THERE'S NO NAP.

I STARTED GIVINGTHE KINDERGARTENERS COFFEE.

YEAH, YOU LAUGH, BUT THE READINGSCORES WERE UP, WAY UP.

OF COURSE, THEY SHITTHEIR PANTS A LOT MORE OFTEN.

[laughter]

I WAS VERY GOOD AT TEACHING,BUT THERE ARE

SOME TERRIBLE TEACHERSOUT THERE.

LIKE, AT MY SCHOOL,WE HAD A 300-POUND P.E. TEACHER.

HIS GAMES WERE AWFUL.

I WENT OUT THERE ONE DAY...THE KIDS WERE PLAYING

"LAYING ON THE ROCKSLIKE WALRUSES."

HE WAS TOSSING THEMSWEDISH FISH.

I LOVE STAND-UP COMEDY, THOUGH.IT'S THE BEST JOB I'VE EVER HAD.

THE WORST DAYI'VE EVER HAD AT WORK,

I WAS 16 YEARS OLD,

I WAS WORKING AT CHUCK E. CHEESEAS CHUCK E. CHEESE.

AND MY BEST FRIENDIS DRIVING IN ONE MORNING,

AND HALFWAY THERE,HE LOOKS AT ME, HE GOES,

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DOBEFORE YOU GO IN?

YOU SHOULD TAKE SOME ACID."

AND I HAD NEVERTRIED ACID BEFORE,

SO I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE,LIKE, SUPER STRONG WEED.

45 MINUTES INTO MY SHIFT,IT KICKS IN.

THIS LITTLE KID RUNS UP TO ME,HE GOES,

"YOU'RE CHUCK E. CHEESE."

AND I FREAKED THE [bleep] OUT.

I ACTUALLY RANFROM THE BUILDING.

YOU COULD ACTUALLY SEE PEOPLEIN THEIR CARS,

LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.IS THAT CHUCK E. CHEESE?

IS HE TRIPPING, AM I TRIPPING?WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

HEY, GUYS,I'M MARK SERRITELLA.

- HEY.- STAY RIGHT THERE, DUDE.

- WHAT?I JUST GOT US BODY SHOTS.

I WAS THINKING WE COULDTAKE THEM OFF ERIK'S TITTIES.

- OH, VERY FUNNY.

YOU PISSED OFFTHE MAGIC BLACK WOMAN

AT THE SEANCE, AND NOWEVIL SHIT IS STUCK TO YOU.

I'M LEAVING,BEFORE YOU GET US KILLED.

- OKAY, YOU'RE BEINGA BUNCH OF BITCHES,

AND I AM NOT CURSED...- MM-HM.

- OKAY--[growls]

- THAT'S THAT SHITRIGHT THERE.

- [coughs]

[wheezes][shudders] SORRY.

UGH, INDIGESTION, OKAY?

NOW QUIT BEING A BOOB,LET'S GO DOWNSTAIRS,

FINISH THE SHOW, AND LET'S PARTYALL NIGHT, RIGHT?

- UM, ADAM? HOW 'BOUT THIS?YOU STAY HERE...

- [burp]- AND I WILL BRING MYSELF UP,

OKAY?- OKAY, ERIK,

NO ONE BRINGS THEMSELVES UP.

- OUR FATHER,WHO ART IN HEAVEN...

[suspenseful music]

- NOPE! WHOO!

BEAT YA, YA BITCH.

YEAH, BEAT YA, YA BITCH.

[electronic current][yelling]

OH, THAT MIC WAS HOT.

THAT MIC WAS--[laughter]

IT'S NOT HOT ANYMORE.OKAY, RIGHT.

THE NEXT COMICWANTS TO KICK IT WITH ME

'TIL THE SUN COMES UP,BECAUSE I AM NOT CURSED.

- [groans]

- [screams]

- LET'S GET GRANT SOME WATER.HE'LL BE--HE'LL BE FINE.

[church bell]

OH, SHIT...I'M CURSED!I'M CURSED!

HE'S DEAD! HE--I KILLED A MAN!

DATING'S DIFFICULT,YOU KNOW.

DATING'S DIFFICULT,AND I JUST HAVE

AN ANNOUNCEMENTFOR ALL THE LADIES...

PLEASE, IF YOU'RENOT INTERESTED IN A GUY,

YOU GOTTA LOOK HIMRIGHT IN HIS FACE, AND GO,

"I'M NOT INTERESTED."

DON'T IGNORE HIM FOR SIX MONTHS,DON'T AVOID HIS PHONE CALL,

JUST BE LIKE,"I'M NOT INTERESTED."

MEN ARE LIKE DOGS.WE NEED DIRECT COMMUNICATION.

NO!

DON'T BE A COWARDWITH YOUR HINT LANGUAGE.

GIRLS LIKE TO HINT, RIGHT?THEY'RE LIKE, UH,

"HE'LL GET THE HINT.

'CAUSE HE'S NICE, I DON'T WANTTO HURT HIS FEELINGS.

HE'S SO NICE.

HE'S SO NICE."I'M SO TIRED OF BEING NICE.

JUST BE DIRECT WITH ME.

LIKE, THERE'S SOME GUYS,WHO, YOU COULD BE LIKE,

"I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU,FOR ANYTHING, EVER."

AND HE'S STILL GONNA GO,"AH-HA! SO WHAT YOU SAYING?"

[laughter]

"WHY YOU PLAYING RIGHT NOW?"

SO JUST BE DIRECT.

GIRLS WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHINGABOUT THEMSELF,

EXCEPT, "I'M NOT INTERESTED."

YOU COULD BE LIKE,"HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO OUT?"

THEY'LL BE LIKE,"UHHHH...I JUST GOT OUT

OF A REALLY SERIOUSRELATIONSHIP.

AND I'M JUST TRYING TOFIND OUT WHO I AM,

AS A PERSON, AS A WOMAN,TO SEE WHERE I'M GOING

WHEN I'M THERE, TO FIND OUTWHO I SHOULD BE, WHEN I SEE--"

SHUT THE [bleep] UP.

[cheers and applause]JUST BE DIRECT, RIGHT, DUDES?

- YEAH!