Burning Bridges

  • Season 3, Ep 8
  • 04/06/2016

Abbi and Ilana both reach critical points in their romantic relationships at the same time Ilana's parents come to town for their anniversary.

We got this.Just wait it out.


Oh, (bleep).


I saw you see us see you!

(both)(bleep) you.

So angry.Yeah.


Oh, here's one.

Oh, it only has one chair.

Okay, we can do this.

Alright, oh, I'll grab a chair.He's just using it a foot rest.

Hi, can I grab this?

Oh, sorry.I'm using it.

Oh, totally,but we're actually two people.

We just wanna both sit.No, no.

I'm-I'm usingthe chair.

I mean...

we all wish we could haveottomans in the park--

Are you deaf?Like, I'm using the chair.

Okay, I'm gonna takethe chair.I said--

No-- 'cause you're,like, being a dick.

I'm gonna take the chair.

Oh, my God.Okay, I'm just gonna--

No, don't touch--don't touch it.

No, I'm not--Leave it.

No, alright, I--You know what?

You can take the chair.Take the chair.

I can't--I'm not taking the chair.

You own this chair.Please, please take the chair.

No, no, okay,I just-- sorry.Don't touch me.

Don't touch me.Okay, I would not.

I would not.Take the chair...

I'm not gonna take it....and go-- Bye.

Okay.Bye. Thank you.


I just straight up askedthat couple over there.

They're so sweet.

Hi.Cuties-- thanks.

Man, I feel like I haven'tseen you in "lit-roll" days.

God, you're glowing.Your skin is glowing.


What have you been doing?

Just been busywith Trey--


Training with Trey.Y'know?

He's just been on me.

So annoying.Get him off.

I would notget him off!


You trippin', boo.

I don't wanna ta-- I don't thinkwe should talk about it anymore.

We should talk about positivestuff like your parents, dude.

Your parents.I know.

35 years!That is impressive.

Oh my God,I didn't even ask you.

You can totally come to theiranniversary dinner tonight.

We would love to have you.No, it's cool.

It's a family thing.Girl, you're family.

You know,unless you have plans.

I-I-I-- uh, I do actuallyhave plans.

Cool, whatcha doin'?


What are yourplans tonight?



... Training Shania Twain.

(laughing ecstatically)

Are you kidding me?

No.That is hysterical.

That is yourgo to lie.

I know, but not now.

Oh my God.

That does impress-ahme much.

Whoa.Don't keep it from me.

I wouldn't.Don't keep anythingfrom me.

I wouldn't.You know, it could kill me.

It kills me!

To feelany distance here.

Totally.That's all.

I would not do that.Love ya.

I love you, too.



Well, um, with this raremoment of silence, um,

there is somethingI'd like to share.

Um--(gagging and coughing)


(Eliot and Ilana)Mom, are you okay?

Mom, are you okay?Honey...

(Ilana)She's choking!She's choking-- help.

(Ilana)She's choking.She's choking, help!

Help, somebody, please help.

Trey, Trey, help!

(Abbi and the Wexlerscalling out)

Coming!(Eliot)Please, somebody.

(Arthur)Somebody help!

(Arthur)Somebody!(Ilana)Does anybody know CPR?

(all shouting)

Here we go!Work with me.


(Abbi)Oh, my God.(Arthur)Jesus.

(Arthur)Are you okay, honey?

(Bobbi groaning)Can you breath?

(Abbi)Are you okay?

Oh, god damn lychee.

Oh, Jesus,that was (bleep) scary.

(Eliot)Sit down.You okay?

Yeah.(Eliot)Take it easy.

Thank you.You're welcome.

Thank you.(sighing)

Trey?Who the (bleep) is Trey?

(gasping)Kirk Steele.

Abbi, how did you knowTrey was here?


We're on a date.

Oh my God.

This is not...Oh my God.

Oh my God!

The condom in your room?

(scoffs)The whole time?

The whole time?

The whole time!

I have to go.

I have to leave now.I have to go.

(Bevers) Let's findan outfit for you

that's the perfect outfit tokeep that status quo, okay?

Make it work.

Make it work.

Make it work!

Make it work.

Make it work.

Make it work!

Make it work.


Was thata good Tim Gunn?

Oh, I did not knowwhat you were doing.

What did you thinkI was doing?I had no idea.

You just said the samesentence, like, five times.

Make it work.

Let'smake it work?

Who's Tim Gunn?

Stop it.


You know what I would wearon a date with Trey?What?


You'd wearnothing.

I'd wear socks.

And a horse tailbutt plug.


Little horsey.

You'd wear a horse tailbutt plug... on a date.

And hooves.Hoof gloves.

You're adding onto the outfit here.

There's a lotof things happening.Let me revise.


Hoof gloves.

Little horse tailbutt plug.

So, clearly, you have,like, a bestiality fantasy.

Robin Hood hat--What do you mean?

Well, you wannabe a horse?

I wanna--

I mean, I'm not totallydressed like a horse.

Horse tailbutt plug.

And the hooves,you just said hooves.

Oh, yeah, but thoseare goat hooves.


Sex friends.


You know,just, like, sex.

I can help you.

Like, I don'twant to talk.

You're inthe right direction.

Like, I don't wanna,like, converse about,

like, what you didthat day, you know?

You just wannaget down.Yeah.

You just wannafill that mouth.

Okay, I started this,but I want to stop it.

Beforewe get started...

Can you give mesome dick deets?

Curve?Straight?Stop it.

I'm not telling youabout his dick.

Big.It's, like...It's pretty big.

Coke can?For his--

No, thank God.


Okay, I can't do this.


Now you can't do it?No, I can't.

I keep forgettingwho you are.

I can't do thisunless you're committed!

I can't do this "Will we,won't we" thing.

Either you're down,or I'm frown.

Fine, I'm down.

Then I'm smile.

Okay, great.

No, I was gonnashake on it.

Make it work.

(clears throat)Make it work.

Make it--Make it work.

Sorry, so much cheesein my throat.

Make it work.

Make it work.(farting) Oh!

(crew laughing off-set)

Make it work.

(all laughing)

Oh...Here we go.

I'd peg you,boy.

Spread the cheeks, squirt theoil... (squealing aggressively)

(shouting)Did I scare you?

Ilana, that is nothow you get a man to peg.

You have to bevery delicate.

(clearing throat)In many ways.

You know the restaurantthat we're going to tonight?

It started inSan Francisco.Hmm, interesting.

I see you, Itchy and Scratchy,I see you, baby.

Let me get in there--My teeth are good!

(snorting like a horse)

Just signed upfor Tinder!

E-mail me!

IlanaWexler@MindMyVagina.com-- Mind it!

All right, nowyou're going too far.

I think we could get arrestedsitting here. (laughing)

(Bobbie)For us,

the most special way we canimagine spending our anniversary

is with you kids,

updating our will.Updating our will.

Okay.All right.

(lawyer)Enough foreplay.

Let's talk simultaneousdeaths.

I'd like to leave a cash giftto my hairdresser,

'cause she'sa miracle worker.

That's tax-deductible,right?

Originally,we were thinking

that Eliot would bethe executor of the will,

but I'd really like for themboth to pull the plug together.

If I'm brain-dead, but my bodyis still alive, let me be.

I'll comeback around.

(Arthur) And I wouldlike to have...

God, they are perfectfor each other.

I know,isn't it great?

I lovetheir love.

Are you okay?I don't know.

I have somethingto tell you.

I havesomething to tell you.

Excuse me! We're aboutto sign over here.

I need you guysto pay attention.

Donna doesn'tgive a (bleep).

She'll be deadbefore we are.


Donna, could you justdocument this for us, okay?

All right,thank you, Donna.

Big smiles.

Okay, let's go.Here we go.

(camera clicks)(Donna) Got it, okay.

Got it?Let me see.

Ugh-- I amso photogenic.

I'm just so lucky.

Me too.


Okay, who wants to get liton some lychee martinis?

Thank you, Donna.

You'll sendthe bill.

I will-- Beforethe week is over.