Banff Is on Fire

  • Season 2, Ep 10
  • 03/18/2014

Doctor Armond gets used to living with his father, Tunes goes down a shady path after discovering her hidden rap talents, and "Show Us Your Songs Toronto" has its epic finale.

- HE JUST SEEMS REALLY DISTANT,AND HE'S ALWAYS ON THE PHONE

WITH SOMEONE OR MAKING PLANS.

HE CHANGED HIS EMAIL PASSWORD,WHICH SEEMS REALLY SUSPICIOUS.

I CALLED BOBBY,AND I ASKED HIM TO HELP ME OUT.

- I'M ROBERT BRUSCHA,AKA BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE,

AKA BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.

I WILL MAKE SURETHAT YOU ARE PROTECTED,

WHATEVER HAPPENS HERE, OKAY?

I TREAT WOMEN WITH RESPECT,BECAUSE, NO DISRESPECT,

THERE'S NOTHING MORE BEAUTIFULTHAN A WOMAN IN NEED.

BECAUSE MY MOTHERRAISED ME RIGHT.

AND WHEN MY FATHER CHEATED--

WHEN MY FATHER CHEAT--

I REPLAYED IT IN MY HEADOVER AND OVER.

[muttering angrily]

- THANK YOU.- OKAY.

- OKAY.- GOD, YOU SMELL AMAZING.

- THANKS, BOBBY.

- DID YOU EAT AN ORANGEBEFORE THIS?

- I JUST TO FIND OUTWHAT'S GOING ON.

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN GETTING SICKOVER IT BECAUSE I--

- OKAY, SHUT UP.I JUST GOT A TEXT MESSAGE.

IT'S FROM PETER PAPARAZZO.THE DEAL'S GOING DOWN.

WHAT'S UP, BUSINESS ASSOCIATE?- YO, BRO, CHECK IT.

CHEATER, CHEATER, CHEATER,ALL OVER THE PLACE.

- IT'S TIME TO BUSTSOME SKULLS, 'KAY.

- LET'S KILL IT.

- YEAH, BRO.OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE NOW?

ARE YOU CHEATIN'?- NO, IT'S A BUSINESS COLLEAGUE.

- WORD UP, DUDE. NICE.- GOOD STUFF, BRO.

- I'M LOST.- YOU'RE ON THE SHOW CHEATIN'.

- YOU'RE CHEATING.- YEAH.

- NICE JOB.- SO IT'S A GOOD THING?

- YEAH, BRO.- EVERYBODY DOES THIS, MAN.

JFK, NEWT GINGRICH, SHAGGY.

- EVERYBODY.- THAT'S SMART.

- MAYBE WE'LL DO SOME SHOTSTO BRING HOME.

PROM PICTURES.- YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT,HOW ABOUT SOME PICTURES?

- SAY "LANCE ARMSTRONG."

- LANCE ARMSTRONG.- YEAH.

- SAY HI TO YOUR WIFE.- HI, HONEY.

- DOES ANYONE HAVE AN EXTRAJACKET OR ANYTHING?

IT'S KIND OF COLD OUT HERE.

- I GOT TO BREAK IT DOWN, BRO.HOW DO YOU DO IT?

WHAT'S THE SECRET?

- I APPRECIATE YOU ASKINGBECAUSE MOST PEOPLE DON'T

RESPECT IT QUITE AS MUCHAS YOU DO.

THE LEG WORK IS EXHAUSTING.- YEAH.

- I HAVE TWO NAMES...LEGALLY.- REALLY?

WHAT DO YOU GO BY?STEVE AND TIM.

- STEVE AND TIM. I ALTERNATE.- OKAY.

DO YOU BUY HER NICE STUFF,

OR ARE YOU JUST, LIKE,"FLIP OVER, WEIRDO?"

- I'VE NEVER SAID, "FLIP OVER,WEIRDO," TO ANYONE.

- SURE.NOW, DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN

THAT WOULD MAKE THISMORE TERRIBLE?

- NOT THAT I ACKNOWLEDGE.

- OOH.- WOW. OH.

- WHO IS THIS BITCH, HUH?

IS THIS THE BITCH THAT YOU'RECHEATING ON ME WITH?

- NO, THIS IS MY GIRLFRIENDWHO I'M WITH.

RIGHT, SWEETIE?- WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?- NO, LET ME EXPLAIN.

- YOU DON'T SPEAK.- LET ME EXPLAIN.

- YOU DON'T SPEAK.- LET ME EXPLAIN.

- STOP TALKING.YOU DON'T SPEAK EITHER.

YOU...SPEAK.

- SHE'S VERY MUCH IDENTIFIEDTHE WEAK LINK HERE.

- I'M GAY.

- LET'S SIT DOWN.LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS, OKAY?

- THEY'RE TOGETHER.

- NO.- ARE YOU VICKY, HUH?

- LET ME EXPLAINWHAT'S OCCURRED HERE.

THIS GUY DIDN'T DO ANYTHINGWRONG, OKAY?

I'M DATING VICKY,VERY MUCH SERIOUSLY.

BUT I ALSO HAVEANOTHER LADY, OKAY?

I'M THE CHEATER.TIM HERE, AKA STEVE--

- I GO BY BOTH.

- THIS GUY'S A GODDAMNCHIVALROUS FRIEND OF MINE

WHO STEPPED UP TO THE PLATE WHENI NEEDED HIM MOST SO THAT I CAN

HAVE UNPROTECTED SEXWITH THIS FOREIGN PERSON.

LET'S GO OUTSIDE AND DO ORAL,

AND I'LL FEEL VERY MUCH GUILTYABOUT IT.

- YES, BABY, LET'S GO.- OKAY.

- COME ON.LET'S GO.

- THAT EXPLAINS THAT.

- IN THE PIT OF MYTAR-BLACK GUTS.

- LITTLE LOOK INTO THE BROKENMIND OF INUIT ANDY AGAIN.

FEEL LIKE MY CAT JUST DIED.

OKAY, TUNES, YOU READYTO READ ALOUD?

- TUNES, DON'T FREAK.YOU'RE FANTASTIC AT THE ARTS.

- THANKS, MIKEY.

[wheelchair hums]

THIS POEM IS ABOUTOUR NATIONAL PARK, BANFF,

AND FIRE SAFETY.[clears throat]

"BANFF IS ON FIRE.CONDITIONS ARE DIRE.

"HEAVY, BLACK SMOKE,TOO MUCH FOR FIRE FIGHTERS.

"YOU EVER HEARD OF ALBERTA?

"WELL, THE FIRE IS MUR-DAHTO THE NATIONAL PARK,

"AND ITS FLORA AND FAUNA.

"I'M A BANFF MOTHER HOSER,BORN AND RAISED.

"I'M A BANFF MOTHER HOSER.STOP THE BLAZE.

FIRE PREVENTION!"[applause]

- WHOA, WELL, ALL RIGHT.

WHO KNEW WE HAD A YOUNG DRAKEON OUR HANDS.

OKAY, THAT WAS GREAT,

WITH A POSITIVE MESSAGEABOUT OUR FORESTS.

- MACKEREL, TUNES.THAT POEM WAS BLAZING HIP HOP.

YOU COULD BE A REAL RAPPER.

- THANKS, MIKEY.WORD.

[school bell rings]- [whistling]

- HEY, LEGS, LET'S CHAT.

- YEAH, WE NEED YOUFOR OUR GRADE-13 PRANK.

- A PRANK? BUT IT'S NOTMEAN-SPIRITED, IS IT?

- NOTHING TOO RADICAL.

- WE'RE GOING TO FILL UP

COACH TEACHER'S OFFICEWITH PASTA.

[laughter]

- PARDON, I DON'T THINKI FOLLOW.

- WE JUST NEED TO FILL UPYOUR AUTO WITH PASTA,

THEN PUT ITIN COACH TEACHER'S OFFICE.

- [laughs]HMM, I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

- DON'T BE SUCH A HEN,EH, WHEELS?

- OKAY, FAIR ENOUGH.

[school bell rings]

- HEY, TUNES, I KNOW YOU'REA FIRST-RATE RAPPER NOW,

BUT WHERE ARE WE GOING?

- RIGHT THERE.

- IT SEEMS LIKE A BITOF A DANGEROUS NEIGHBORHOOD, NO?

- I'LL BE FINE.I'M A REAL RAPPER NOW.

- YEAH, I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE'SSOME ROTTEN PEARS MAYBE.

- IF YOU'RE GOING TO BESUCH A HEN ABOUT IT,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME IN.

- I'M NOT BEING HEN ABOUT IT.

I JUST CARE ABOUT YOUR SAFETY.

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.I'LL BE FINE.

- FINE, THEN.WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET OUT?

- I NEED MY CHAIR, MIKEY.

- OH, SORRY.I FORGOT ABOUT YOUR DISABILITY.

[door-ajar alert beeper beeping]

PLEASE DON'T ROB US.

- WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU FIRSTDISCOVERED YOUR WIFE'S BODY?

- BUT GOT OFF ON A TECHNICALITY.

- SHE WEARING EVIDENCE?- NO.

- I GAINED MY FREEDOM,BUT I LOST EVERYTHING ELSE,

EXCEPT, OF COURSE,MY FAMILY NAME.

NOW, I'M SERVING THE WORSTSENTENCE OF ALL...

- [screaming]

- MOVING BACK IN WITH MY FATHER.

THIS IS HOUSE OF ARMOND.

[insane laughter]

- PAPA, HAVE YOU SEEN MYE-READER?

- I HAVE NOT, MY PIGLET.

- YOU'RE SO OLD.

ALL YOU DO IS WORKWITH DEAD ANIMALS.

IT'S CREEPY.

MY FATHER'S A TAXIDERMIST, ANDI'M AN ANIMAL PLASTIC SURGEON.

COULD WE BE ANY MORE DIFFERENT?

- SEE, LOOK, LOOK--LOOK AT THIS GUY.

SEE?

I BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE.

- ARE THOSE EYES PERMANENT?[maniacal laughter]

- NO, NO, I JUST--

I JUST STUCK THOSE ON THERE

SO I'D HAVE SOMETHINGTO REFER TO.

- UGH, THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M BACKIN THIS HOUSE OF HORRORS.

[eerie music]

- I LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU AREA MURDERER.

- WELL, I'M NOT A MURDERER,PAPA!

WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO KEEPBRINGING UP MY WIFE'S MURDER?

LET'S JUST LETSLEEPING DOGS LIE.

- HOW'S THE MAN OF THE MOMENT?

- I'M GRUMPY, PAPA.I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

- WELL, IN THAT CASE,WHY DON'T WE HAVE A PARTY?

- NOBODY WANTS TO SEE ME.THEY ALL THINK I'M A MURDERER.

- INVITE YOUR GOOD FRIENDKELSEY GRAMMER OVER.

I COULD MAKE SOME BAGEL BITES.

- CAN YOU JUST LEAVE MY ROOM,PLEASE.

- DON'T BE SUCH A BABY.

- DETECTIVE SMART?WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- YOU AND ME HAVE TO TALK.

[dramatic music]

- [scream]

WE WERE ONCE YOUNG,

AND THEN HUDSON'S BAY COMPANYCAME AND TOOK ALL THE FURS.

AND SO IT'S THE PAINOF THE CANADIAN PEOPLE.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

[generic electronic beatwith simple effects]

YEAH, TURN THAT BAD BOY UPA LITTLE BIT MORE.

LOUDER, FASTER, YEAH.OOH, THAT'S BETTER.

[beat stops]

UH--[triangle dings]

- PARDON, SORRY,BUT WAS THAT THE SONG?

- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.[beat resumes]

LITTLE FAST.THIS IS MURRAY, MY SOBER COACH.

- PARDON, BUT IS THE SONGOF CANADA

JUST A DRUM BEATON A CASIO KEYBOARD?

- OKAY, WELL, YOU'RE A BITCH,JUST LIKE MY EX-WIFE,

SO LET'S[bleep] DO IT THEN.

I HATE TO [bleep] SWEAR.I'M NOT GOING TO SWEAR,

BUT THIS CRAP--IS THAT BETTER?IS NO [bleep] GOOD.

[beat resumes]IS THAT--

IS THAT [bleep]TASTIER FOR YOU?

- THANKS SO MUCH.YOU MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ROUND.

- MY SONGS ARE GOING TO BEMAGIC.

- I'VE LOVED MAGICSINCE I WAS A BOY.

- AND I WILL NEED A VOLUNTEERTO PICK A CARD.

- UH-OH, LOOKS LIKEWE GOT ONE HERE.

- YEAH.SO PLEASE--

THIS IS A DECK OF CARDS,

AND YOU CAN SEE THATALL THE CARDS ARE DIFFERENT.

TAKE ANY CARD OUT OF THE DECK.- ANY ONE?

- ANY ONE YOU'D LIKE.

- MAYBE DO A LITTLE BITOF CONTORTION.

- WELL, I JUST NEED YOUTO PICK A CARD.

[applause]OKAY...

IT'S KIND OF MESH ON YOUR--

- IT'S DIFFICULT BECAUSE--

- YEAH, IT MIGHT BE EASIERTO JUST TAKE WITH YOUR HANDS.

OKAY, DON'T SHOW ME.

- OKAY, I DIDN'T SHOWYOU WHAT I HAVE.

- OH.- CAN YOU SHOW US?

- OKAY, YOU SEE WHATTHE CARD IS?

- YOU GOT THAT CARD, TORONTO?

- OKAY, HERE WE GO.TELL ME WHEN TO STOP SHUFFLING.

- STOP.- RIGHT HERE?

WHAT WAS YOUR CARD?

- IT WAS THE KING OF DIAMONDS.

- THAT'S IT.CRACKERS!

OH, GOOD GOD.

- NO WAY!- OH, GOD.

- HOW DID YOU DO THAT?YOU'RE AMAZING.

- THANK YOU.- ALL RIGHT.

- NEXT TIME,IF I USE YOU AGAIN,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT,'CAUSE THAT KIND OF UPSTAGES ME.

YOU CAN TAKE A CARDWITH YOUR HANDS NEXT TIME.

- OKAY.- THANK YOU.

- OKAY, TORONTO, WE'VE COMETO THE END OF THE SHOW.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO VOTE, EH?

FOR JON LAJOIE, TEXT ONE-ONE.

FOR THE UNFINISHED CANADIAN SONGOF DOUG GARY, TEXT ONE-ONE.

FOR THE HILARIOUS COMEDY OFGRAHAM THE COMEDIAN,

YOU'RE GONNA TEXT ONE-ONE.

FOR THE CRAZY THINGSOF AMY AMNESIA,

YOU TEXT ONE-ONE,.

AND THEN FOR THE MAGICOF "MAGIC" NATHAN,

YOU GOTTA TEXT ONE-ONE.

- EVERYBODY ON SHOW US YOUR SONGS, TORONTO, IS A WINNER.

AND THE VOTES WILL PROVE THATSHORTLY.

- OOPS, HERE WE GO.HERE WE GO.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

WE GOT A WINNER HERE.

AND...EVERYONE'S A WINNER.

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