Secret Room/Ghost Bouncers

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 01/30/2013

Bobby Bottleservice investigates paranormal activity, a couple builds a secret room, and Young Billy Joel goes on an adventure.

- OH, OKAY,I'M BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE,

AKA, BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.

I HAVE A GREAT DESIRETO KNOW THE UNKNOWABLE.

TO SEE THE UNSEEABLE.

TO UNDERSTAND PARALEGALACTIVITY.

AKA, GHOSTS.

[bell peals]WITH ME, AS PER ALWAYS,

IS MY BEST FRIENDAND NIGHT-VISION VIDEOGRAPHER,

PETER PAPARAZZO...

- YO, I'M NOT PARTICULARLYAFRAID OF ANY SPECIFIC GHOST.

- AND OUR DEAF/MUTESOUND GUY GIAN.

I MEAN, THIS KIDALWAYS SHOWS UP.

AND TOGETHER,WE'RE VERY MUCH GHOST BOUNCERS.

[woman screams]

SO WE RECENTLY GOT A CALL FROMAN OLD-TIMEY TOURIST LOCATION

THAT THEY HAD FOUND GHOSTS.

SO WE WENT DOWN THERETO FIND THOSE GHOSTS

AND BOUNCE THOSE GHOSTS OUT,BRO.

- THIS BUILDING DATES BACKTO THE 1800s,

WHEN IT WAS ORIGINALLYA BROTHEL.

AND IN 1854,THERE WAS A MASSIVE FIRE HERE

THAT DESTROYED MUCH OFTHE THIRD FLOOR AND THE ATTIC.

- WE WERE VERY MUCH AROUSEDTO LEARN THAT THIS LOCATION

HAD AT ONE TIME BEENA BROTHEL.

DUDE, THIS PLACE IS SO OLD.

THERE'S NO, LIKE,FLAT SCREENS OR ANYTHING.

- YO, IS THAT A GHOST?- NO, BRO.

THAT'S A VERY MUCH CUTE,ADORABLE ELDERLY WOMAN.

- SINCE BEEN RECONSTRUCTED,AND OBVIOUSLY...

- [scoffs] WHAT IS THIS,LITTLE HOUSE ON THE SCARY?

- [laughs]GIAN, YOU GET THAT, BRO?

- NOW PLEASE FOLLOW MEUPSTAIRS.

[woman screams]

NOW, ONE GIRL DID DIEIN THE FIRE.

[woman screams]SHE WAS 16 YEARS OLD,

AND AS THE STORY GOES,SHE WAS ON HER WAY

TO TURN HER FIRST TRICK.

- SO SHE WAS A WHORE?- SHE WAS, YES.

- BUT IN ADDITION TO,AS WELL AS, SHE WAS A VIRGIN?

- YES.

- OH, VIRGIN WHORE, BRO!- PERFECT.

- PERFECT. DUDE![snaps fingers]

APPARENTLY THIS WOMANWAS A GIRL

WHO WAS ALSO A VIRGIN BUT,AS WELL AS, A HOOKER

WHO HAD DIED IN A FIRE.

- SOME PEOPLE SAY THEY SMELLTHE WAFT OF A JASMINE PERFUME.

- I VERY MUCH PUT MATHEMATICSTOGETHER

AND REALIZED THAT THIS VIRGINWAS ALSO

AND, AS WELL AS,THE GHOST.

[woman screams]

WOULD YOU DATE ME?

'CAUSE I THINK I LOVE YOU.

WHY DO YOU LOOK AWAY?WHY DON'T YOU SMILE FOR ME?

IT TURNED OUT THIS GHOSTWAS NO DEMON.

TSK, TSK, TSK.SHE WAS AN ANGEL.

- [ghostly whisper]BOBBY.

[woman screams]

- YEAH, WHAT'S UP, AMERICA?I'M SAM.I.AM.

- THIS YOUR BOY SCUBA.- I'M LEMON LIME.

- WE ABOUT TO DROP SOMESERIOUS RHYMES ON YOUR MIND.

♪ THIS IS A REVOLUTION,BRING DOWN THE INSTITUTION ♪

♪ POLLUTION-PRODUCINGCOLLUSION ♪

♪ UNCLE SAM, WE WANT YOUFOR EXECUTION ♪

♪ FREE YOUR MIND,FREE YOUR MIND, FREE YOUR MIND ♪

- ♪ ON THE STREETS,BUT WE OWN OUR BEATS ♪

- YO, BEATS & RICE, WHAT'S UP?I'M JASON, MAN.

I'VE BEEN CHECKING YOU GUYS OUTON THE INTERNET.

UNBELIEVABLE STUFF.

I WANT TO GET YOU GUYSON MY LABEL HERE.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.- OKAY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA CHANGETHE MESSAGE, THOUGH, RIGHT?

- I'M NOT GONNA CHANGETHE MESSAGE--YOU KIDDING ME?

THE MESSAGE IS THE KEY. HEY,LISTEN, SWEETHEART, COME HERE.

I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOUTO SOMEBODY.

THIS IS LADY D.I.Y.SHE'S GONNA BE YOUR NEW SINGER.

OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYSGET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

EVERYBODY, WE'RE GONNA HAVEA LOT OF FUN.

EVERYBODY GET UP THERE.OKAY, SCUBA!

- ♪ FREE YOUR MINUTES

♪ ALL YOUR CELL PHONEMINUTES ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO GO CHANGEYOUR PLAN ♪

♪ IT'S TIME FOR YOUTO TAKE A STAND ♪

all three: ♪ SAM.I.AM,LEMON LIME, SCUBA ♪

- ♪ Y'ALL KNOW WHO I AM

- ♪ IT'S TIME TO SWITCH UPYOUR CELLULAR PLAN ♪

- ♪ TYRANNY IN CONTRACTS

♪ DIFFERENT PLANSKEEPING ME DOWN ♪

- ♪ LOSE THE SERVICE, MAN,I LOOK LIKE A CLOWN ♪

- ♪ IT'S TIME WE ALLCOME TOGETHER ♪

♪ AND GET THE BEST PLANWE EVER HAD ♪

all: CHINA, AFRICA, USA,GERMANY ♪

- ♪ RESTRICTIONS APPLYON ALL CALLS OVERSEAS ♪

- ALL RIGHT, GREAT SHOW, GUYS.GREAT SHOW.

LISTEN, I GOT A GREAT WAYTO MAKE SOME EASY MONEY.

I'M TALKING ABOUT GETTINGIN THE BIG-BOX STORES.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR MESSAGE?- THE MESSAGE--

I'M TALKING ABOUT COMBININGTHIS SEX HERE WITH FITNESS.

OKAY? THAT'S WHY, LISTEN,

I HAD TO GET RIDOF LEMON LINE, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS REMON RYE.

- HI. I'M A CHRISTIANMINISTER.

- ALL RIGHT, NOW, LET'S GOMAKE SOME MONEY, GUYS. COME ON!

AND HAVE SOME FUN TOO,ALL RIGHT?

- ♪ FREE YOUR BODY RIGHT

- ♪ FAT FREE, Y'ALL

- ♪ FREE YOUR BODY TONIGHT

♪ YEAH, YEAH

- ♪ SIT-UPS, PUSH-UPS,WORKING THE CORE ♪

- ♪ BITCH IT, PERCH IT - ♪ DANCE LIKE A WHORE

♪ STAY HYDRATED

♪ ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR DEMONS

- THE MONEY'S GONE.WE ARE IN THE RED.

THE MANSION'S FORECLOSED.

WE HAVE DRUG PROBLEMSALL AROUND THE TABLE.

EVERYBODY'S ON THE HORSE.EVERYBODY, INCLUDING MYSELF.

BUT WE HAVE AN UNTAPPED MARKET.I'M TALKING ABOUT KIDS.

I'M TALKING ABOUTTHE LITTLE ONES.

- YEAH, BUT WHAT'S THE MESSAGE?

- THE MESSAGE IS HIT THE KIDSWHERE IT COUNTS.

IT'S A CASH GRAB, OKAY?

IT'S AS MUCH CASHAS WE CAN GRAB.

- ♪ FREE YOUR POOPIES

- ♪ WHEN I SAY POO,YOU SAY POO ♪

all: ♪ POO POO, DOO DOO

♪ SIT ON THE CAN,WE KNOW YOU CAN ♪

♪ DON'T BELIEVE ME?ASK SPACE BABY ♪

- ♪ NO DOODIESIN THE BATHTUB

- ♪ PEE IN THE POTTY

- ♪ TELL YOUR MOM AND DADWHEN YOU HAVE TO GO ♪

- ♪ WE JUST PULLED OVER

♪ HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL USWHEN YOU HAD TO GO? ♪

- ♪ 'CAUSE I DIDN'T HAVETO GO THEN ♪

- ♪ GO, SPACE BABY,GO, SPACE BABY ♪

♪ GO, GO, GO, SPACE BABY

- WHAT'S THE MESSAGE?[fireworks whistling]

- ♪ YOU'RE A BIG BOY NOW [explosion]

- WHA--WHAT HAPPENED?

- WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHINGYOU WANT TO KNOW

ABOUT COMING TO EUROPE?WELL, WATCH THIS VIDEO

FROM THE SPOTTED OX HOSTEL,

THE COOLEST HOSTELIN ALL THE COUNTRIES OF EUROPE.

FOR BREAKFAST,WE'LL DO SOMETHING COOL,

LIKE HAVE A CIGARETTE, THEN,LIKE, A BAR OF CHOCOLATE.

THEN WE FOR WORK FOR, LIKE,1/2 HOUR, TWO 1/2 HOUR.

AND THEN WE GO FOR LUNCH.

AND LUNCH IS USUALLY,YOU KNOW, SOMETHING COOL,

LIKE A CIGARETTEAND, LIKE,

TWO, THREE BOTTLERED WINE.

AND THEN, LIKE,A BOWL OF HEAVY CREAM.

AND THEN DINNER, YOU KNOW,WE'LL DO SOMETHING HEALTHY,

LIKE, YOU KNOW,FOUR, FIVE SAUSAGES,

AND THEN, LIKE,A CHOCOLATE CIGARETTE.

AND THEN WE'LL INVITEOUR CIGARETTE OUTSIDE

TO TAKE AN ESPRESSOAND WATCH THE STREET LIFE.

AND WE SO MUCH CAN EATAS MUCH AS WE WANT,

AND WE NEVER GET HEAVY,BECAUSE OF OLIVE OIL.

SO THAT'S WHAT WE SAY.

- ♪ OH, A LONG TIME AGO

♪ ON A LONG, LONG ISLAND

♪ WHEN I WOREA YOUNG MAN'S CLOTHES ♪

♪ MMMMMMM

[buoy bell rings]

- OH, HEY, CAPTAIN JACK.- HELLO THERE, BILLY.

- I CAUGHT YOU SOME WORMSDOWN AT MY LANDSCAPING JOB.

THOUGHT YOU COULD USE 'EMFOR SOME BAIT.

- SURE. HERE'S A QUARTERFOR YOU, LAD.

- WHOA, 25 BIG ONES?

MAYBE I COULD GO BUYTHAT BOSS JACKET I SAW

IN THE STORE WINDOW.

- WELL, WATCH THIS LINEFOR ME FOR A MOMENT,

AND THERE'S ANOTHER QUARTERIN IT FOR YOU.

- NO PROBLEM.- HOLD ONTO IT TIGHT, HUH?

NO DAYDREAMING.

AND WATCH OUTFOR THE MONTAUK MONSTER.

[laughs]- OH, CAPTAIN JACK!

YOU KILL ME.

- ♪ MMMMMM

- HEY, BJ.WHAT'S UP, MAN?

- AW, BEANS, I TOLD YOUNOT TO CALL ME THAT.

- HEY, YOU WANT A HIT,BILLY?

- OH, NO, THANKS, ISABELLA.I GOTTA STAY SHARP

IF I'M GONNA WRITEMY STORY SONGS.

[laughter]

- YEAH, YOU STAY SHARP, BJ.

WE'RE GONNA GO DANCE NAKEDON THE BEACH.

- YOU WANNA COME?- AW, I CAN'T.

I TOLD CAPTAIN JACKI'D HOLD HIS ROD.

[laughter]

- YEAH, YOU GO HOLDHIS ROD, MAN.

- ♪ STANDIN' ON THE DOCK

♪ LOOKIN' AT SOME WATER

♪ WAITIN' FOR A CHANGETO COME MY WAY ♪

♪ SOMETHING SOMETHING SONS

♪ SOMETHING SOMETHINGDAUGHTERS ♪

♪ SOMETHING SOMETHINGISABELLA'S EYES ♪

WHOA!

[triumphant music]

THANKS, CAPTAIN JACK!

THANKS, CAPTAIN JACK.

BOY, THAT WAS A CLOSE CALL.

I GUESS THE MONTAUK MONSTERIS REAL.

- WELL, I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.[laughter]

I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU,BILLY.

- BUT I LOST THE FISH.- AH.

BUT YOU NEVER LET GOOF THE LINE, LAD.

HALF OF THIS TREASUREBELONGS TO YOU.

- HOLY TAMALES!

THAT'S ALL THE WORMSA GUY COULD EVER ASK FOR.

- [chuckles]

- ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DEE

[whistle blows]

- TIME OUT ON THE FIELD.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,YOUR ON-THE-FIELD ENTERTAINER,

MAKING SURE YOU ENJOYEVERY MOMENT OF THE GAME,

ROCK AND ROLL'SNASH RICKY.

[heavy metal music]

- ♪ TIME OUT,WE GOT A PAUSE IN THE GAME ♪

♪ WE GOTTA KEEPTHIS PARTY ROCKIN' ♪

♪ LIKE A PARTY TRAIN

♪ WE'RE GONNA ROCK ITALL NIGHT ♪

♪ AND NOTHING'S GONNASTOP US, GOTTA ♪

[whistle blows, music stops]THANK YOU.

- NUMBER 77 REPORTEDAS ELIGIBLE

THIRD AND SIXFROM THE 35.

[electrical feedback]

INJURY STOPPAGE.THIS IS AN OFFICIAL TIME OUT.

[heavy metal music]- ♪ INJURY ON THE FIELD

♪ BUT THAT AIN'T NO REASONFOR THE PARTY TO YIELD ♪

♪ INJURY ON THE FIELD

♪ BUT EVERYBODY'S HEALTHY

♪ ON THE TEAM CALLEDROCK AND ROLL ♪

OW, GUITAR!

[whistle blows, music stops]

THANK YOU.

[whistle blows]

- TIME OUT ON THE FIELD.

THAT IS SANTA FE'S THIRDAND FINAL TIME OUT.

- CHECK, CHECK, CHECK,CHECK, CHECK, CHECK.

[heavy metal music]

- ♪ ICING THE KICKER

♪ YOU GOT ME TWISTIN'AND TURNIN' ♪

♪ IN YOUR FROZEN HELL

♪ ICING THE KICKER

♪ I WANNA BLOW OUT MY BRAINS

♪ TO AVOID YOURDEMON SPELL ♪

ALL RIGHT![whistle blows]

- FOURTH AND THREEFROM THE 35.

[whistle blows]

[guitar riffs continue]

[crowd cheers]

WHAT A SHAME.

AND WE JUST BOUGHTOUR FIRST HOME.

SO WE WENT TO SCREWS.- HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

- SWEETHEART, WHAT IS ITTHAT WE WERE LOOKING FOR AGAIN?

- I DON'T REMEMBER.

- TED AND GWEN SAID THEY WERELOOKING FOR LIGHT BULBS,

BUT I COULD TELL BYTHE VACANT LOOK IN THEIR EYES

THAT THEY WANTEDSOMETHING MORE.

ARE YOU GUYS LOOKINGTO BUILD A SECRET ROOM?

- YES.- NO.

both: YES.

[laughter]- GREAT. FOLLOW ME.

- JOE WAS AMAZING.JUST SO HELPFUL.

SEE, HE HELPED US BUILDA SECRET ROOM

THAT WE COULD REALLYGROW WITH.

I ALWAYS IMAGINED HAVING,LIKE, A LOT OF CAPTIVES.

- WHEREAS I HAD ONLY EVERENVISIONED JUST ONE CAPTIVE.

- [chuckles]WELL, I COME FROM A BIG FAMILY.

- THEY WERE ALL MOLESTED.- HEY...

WE MOLESTED EACH OTHER.- OH--

- I WAS MOLESTEDAS A CHILD TOO,

SO I KNEW EXACTLY WHATTHEY WERE GOING AFTER.

- IT'S SOUNDPROOF?- UH-HUH.

THERE'S ALSO A HANDLEON IT.

- JOE WAS AMAZING ABOUTALL THE FINE DETAILS

AND PERSONAL TOUCHES

THAT WE NEVER WOULD HAVETHOUGHT OF ON OUR OWN.

- YEAH, I MEAN, LIKE,DIRTY BLANKETS

TO MAKE THE PLACE LOOK SICK.- MM-HMM.

OR A DOOR THAT LEADSTO NOWHERE.

- ALL AT SCREWS'EVERYDAY LOW PRICES.

- ONE OF OUR FAVORITE THINGSABOUT JOE WAS THAT

HIS ETHNICITYWAS NICE AND AMBIGUOUS.

- LIKE YOU COULDCUT HIM UP AND EAT HIM,

AND YOU WOULDN'T KNOWWHERE THE ORIGINS

OF THAT MEAT WAS FROM.

- BUT AT THE SAME TIME,YEAH, EXOTIC.

- MM-HMM.- IN A REALLY COOL WAY.

- YEAH.

- I'M FROM THE PACIFIC ISLANDS.

ALL ALONG THIS BACK PART HERE--

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

I DIDN'T PUT ENOUGH VENTILATIONIN HERE.

- SHUT YOUR PIG MOUTH!

- HEY. COME ON.LET ME OUT OF HERE.

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