Fetus, Don't Fail Me Now

  • Season 2, Ep 13
  • 11/13/2008

Sarah finally realizes she's nine months pregnant, and Steve throws his back out on the toilet.

MY PRODUCERIS SIGNALING ME

THAT THE VOTESHAVE ALL BEEN COMPLETED.

AND THE WINNER OF THE CASH PRIZE IS...

THE MUSTANGS.

YES!

(together)MUSTANGS!

AH. UGH.

THE MUSTANGS. THEY ARE THE GUYSYOU LOVE TO HATE.

WHAT? WHAT?YOU WANT THIS?

UGH. LET'S GO TO BRUNCH.

I HAVE A HUNGERONLY FOOD CAN CURE.

UM, DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANYTHINGTHEY WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

(Brian) YEAH.

I GUESS WE HAVEPUT IT OFF LONG ENOUGH.

(Laura) SARAH,

DO YOU WANT TO TELL USANYTHING?

NO.

OH, I HAD A SNACKWHEN I FED DOUG.

NOT DOG FOOD.

A FIG NEWTON.

GUYS, LISTEN.

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING, THEN I WILL, OKAY?

SARAH, YOU'RE PREGNANT.

LIKE--LIKE NINE MONTHSPREGNANT.

YEAH, JAY,I'M NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.

I'M BLOATED.

YOU EVER JUST FEEL LIKE

THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF WATERJUST KICKING AROUND

IN YOUR STOMACH?

UGH.

NO. I DON'T.

YOU KNOW WHO DOES?

PREGNANT PEOPLE DO.PREGNANT PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

YOU'RE PREGNANT.

YOU'RE PREGNANT.

[laughs]

WILL YOU PLEASEJUST PEE ON THIS STICK?

WILL I?

[Sarah peeing loudly]

IS THERE A HORSE IN THERE?

GOOD. SO YOU PEEDON THE STICK?

I PEED ON THE STICK,THE SEAT,

THE FLOOR...THAT'S IT.

THE WALL A LITTLE BIT.

WELL, YOU AREOFFICIALLY PREGNANT.

NOW DO YOU BELIEVE US?

WHAT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I THOUGHT I WAS MISSINGMY PERIOD

BECAUSE I WAS BALLERINA THIN.

GREAT.

WELL, I GUESS I KNOWWHERE I'M GONNA BE

FOR THE NEXT 35 MINUTES.

(Dr. Lynch) WHOA. WHOA.

IT'S UNETHICALTO ABORT SOMETHING THIS LATE

IN THE PREGNANCY.

UH, ACTUALLY, IT'S ILLEGAL.

WELL PLAYED, DR. LYNCH.

I'M GONNA WRITE SOMETHING DOWNON A PIECE OF PAPER HERE.

SEE IF THIS HELPSCHANGE YOUR MIND.

(Brian)I'M HAPPY FOR SARAH

THAT SHE'S GONNA HAVE A BABY.

BUT I GOTTA SAY,I'M KINDA SAD FOR THE BABY.

YEAH,SARAH'S GREAT AND ALL,

BUT I WOULDN'T TRUST HERTO BABYSIT A PACK OF DENTYNE.

[Brian and Steve laugh]

(Sarah) YOU GUYS THINK

I'D BE THAT BADOF A MOM?

YOU WOULDN'T BEWHILE IT'S IN THE WOMB.

JUST AFTER IT COMES OUT.

BUT YOU'RE DOING

A REALLY GOOD JOBOF GESTATING.

YAY.

SARAH. SARAH. SARI.

I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING.OH.

OKAY.

PRETEND THAT THIS EGG

IS YOUR BABY.

NOW, IF YOUCAN TAKE CARE OF IT

FOR A WHOLE DAY,

THEN I'LL KNOWTHAT YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES

TO BE A MOMMY.

EGG.

SUCH A GROSS SOUNDING WORD,ISN'T IT?

EGG.

[baby whines]

HEE HEE.

OH, YOU NEEDA DIAPER CHANGE.

OH, MY GOD.IT'S TIME FOR CHANGE.

READY? COME ON.

I DO HAVE WHAT IT TAKESTO BE A GOOD MOM.

DOO-DOO-DEE DA BABY.

CONGRATULATIONS, DORA,YOU'RE GONNA BE A NANNY!

OKAY. OH, MISS SARAH.

YOU NEED TO BUY MOREOF THIS WASHING LIQUID.

[dramatic music]

I'LL GO PICK SOME UP.

HI.HI.

WELCOME TO MISS SARAH'SBABY SHOWER.

MY NAME IS DORA.

AND "LIQUOR IN THE FRONT.POKER IN THE REAR."

WELCOME. SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

SARAH.

ANOTHER PRESENT.

SARAH, SARAH,I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS

WAS A GOOD IDEA

OR THE WORST IDEAIMAGINABLE,

BUT YOU ARE GONNA NEEDFRIENDS.

THAT IS TRUE, JAY.

IT DOES TAKE A VILLAGE

TO RAISE A CHILD.

AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE

A MEXICAN VILLAGER!

AND WE LIVEIN VALLEY VILLAGE!

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT ARE YOUSMILIN' ABOUT?

I'LL TELL YOUWHY I'M SMILING.

I'M ABOUT TO GO HOME AND DELIVERA BROWN BABY OF MY OWN.

WHY DON'T YOUJUST HAVE THAT THING HERE

INSTEAD OF STINKIN' UPOUR PLACE?UGH.

THIS IS NOT AN AWAY GAMESITUATION, DUDE.

NAME IT AFTER ME.

THAT REMINDS MEOF THE BEST STORY.

OH, YAY.

SO I HATE CHINESE FOOD,WHICH YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE IT'S JUST LIKE, WHY?

AND IT HITS MY STOMACH

AND MY STOMACH IS, LIKE,THIS ISN'T CEREAL.

IT'S TOO RICH.

[baby cries]

SO THEY HAND METHIS PAPER THING.

I LOOK IIDE.IT'S CHOPSTICKS.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT

WITH TWO STICKS, RIGHT?

[baby cries] SO I'M PLAYING THE DRUMS ON THE PLATE.

AND, UH, I DON'T KNOWWHAT TO DO WITH IT.

FINALLY, THEY GIVE UP ON ME.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE LIKE, ALL RIGHT,

WE'RE TAKING THE CHOPSTICKS,YOU'RE GETTING A FORK.

SO I'M USING THE FORK,

AND I'M USING THE FORK,

AND EVERYTHING'S GREAT.[baby cries]

NEXT THING I KNOW,I'M LOSING THE FORK.

I HAVE NO IDEAWHERE I'VE PUT IT.

AND I'M, LIKE,SILVER WHERE?

SILVERWARE, YOU KNOW.

ZING.

[humming]

ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH FOREPLAY.

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

[grunts, back cracks]

AAH!

OH. ANOTHER GIFTFOR THE BABY.

[cell phone beeps]

(Brian)UH, SARAH, I GOTTA GO.

STEVE, UH,

[blows raspberry]

[cries mockingly]

I'LL--I'LL TELL YOU LATER.

WELL, SINCE THISIS SUCH A SPECIAL

AND CHALLENGING TIMEFOR US ALL,

I HAVE HIREDA MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER

TO COME IN AND ENLIGHTEN ALL OF US.

SO WITH NO FURTHER ADO,

MR. MATT FOLEY!

AHA HA HA!

MY NAME IS MATT FOLEY.

AND I LIVE IN A VANDOWN BY THE RIVER.

[cheers and applause]

WHAT IS THIS--IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE

THE CHRIS FARLEY CHARACTERFROM SNL?

YEAH. DORA ALWAYS DOES ITAT PARTIES.

IT'S SO FUNNY.

LA-DEE FREAKIN' DA!

[laughter]

I LIVE IN A VAN

DOWN BY THE RIVER.

DORA?

FOR THE SAKEOF OUR RELATIONSHIP,

I'D LIKE TO PROTECTTHE AIR OF MYSTERY.

teve) BRIAN, I CAN'T MOVE!

[sighs]MYSTERY'S OVER.

MYSTERY WAS OVERONCE YOU'VE SHOWED ME

HOW YOU CAN MAKEYOUR BALLS LOOK SURPRISED.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

ALL RIGHT, ON THREE.

ONE.

TWO. THREE.

OW![back cracks]

AAH!

THANK YOU.

I THOUGHT YOUWERE GETNG A COFFEE TABLE

DE OF BREAKAWAY WOODLIKE IN THE WESTERNS.

OH, I-I WAS GONNA HAVE YOUDO THAT.

I THINK ALL COFFEE TABLESSHOULD BE MADE OF BREAKAWAY WOOD

JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.

YEAH. OR SUGAR GLASS.

CAUSE THAT WAYIF YOU BREAK IT,

THEN YOU HAVE SOME CANDYTO EAT OR SOMETHING.

YOU GET HEALTHY,YOUNG LADY,

BECAUSE PRETTY SOONTHIS THING'SONNA BE BORNED

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA GETE BIG BUMP

FROM MAID TO NANNY IN TITLE,NOT SALARY.

SARAH, DORA'S GONNA BEIN TRACTION FOR A YEAR.

(Dora) AND I AM GOING TO CANADA

WHERE THEY HAVEA FREE HEALTH CARE.

DORA!

BECOMING A DOUBLEILLEGAL IMMIGRANT

DOESN'T PROVE ANYTHING.

EXCEPT MAYBE YOU'RE GREATAT BREAKING INTO COUNTRIES.

[groans]

BRIAN, SEE IF YOU CAN REACHMY CELL PHONE.

IT'S IN MY SHIRT POCKET.

OKAY. OKAY. HOLD ON.CAREFUL.

AH.

GET IT. GET IT.

I GOT IT.

GOT IT?I GOT IT.

I THINK YOU--YOU NEED MY HELP.

LET ME HELP YOU.NO, NO, NO.I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

LET ME HELP.[toilet water splashes]

NICE ONE, QUARTERBACK.

IS THAT A SPORTS REFERENCE?

I DON'T KNOW.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

I THINK I CAN GET MINE.

OH THERE. THERE.I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

I CAN REACH IT. AH.

NO. NO.I GOT IT.

I ALMOST GOT IT.NO!

[screaming in pain]

WHERE'S THE PHONE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I GOT IT.

NICE.OH F...

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