Fattest Asses

  • Season 1, Ep 5
  • 02/19/2014

Determined to escape their day-to-day routines, Abbi and Ilana attend a party and end up going home with a pair of questionable DJ roommates.

I'm becominga corporate yes man.

I'm like, yes,Mr. George Bush.

Whatever you say,Mr. George Bush.

What?I know, I know.

Dick Cheney,go easy on me, dude.

Before I know it,I'm gonna wake up and be 23

and my life's gonnabe behind me.

You know thatI'm 25, right?

Abbi, you are ageless.

That's a differentthing.Okay.

Okay, so what's this thingyou're doing tonight?

Okay, so remember my hotrich friend from NYU, Parker?Yeah.

So she invited me to this,like, SoHo rooftop party

and I know you're not gonnawant to go, but I have to,

I need this.No, no, no,I want to go.

I'm in.Really?

Yeah, I wanna go.

Oh, my God, I thoughtI'd have to go through

a whole rigamaroleto get you to--No, no, no.

That's dope, dude.Perfect opportunity tointroduce, like, the new me.

Yeah.No moreMr. Nice Abbi,

no more--no more cleaningup other people's pubes.

And, you know,getting screwed by people

that end up nothaving cancer.

No, I'm stepping--I am stepping it up.

From here on out,I am stepping it up.

If anyone's gonna pretendlike they have cancer,

it's gonna be me.

You know what?I look too nice.

You look reallynice, yeah.

No, I looklike vanilla.

Oh.Let's go shopping.

First one's fine,I think.Yeah.

Your ass looksincredible.Okay.

And your headand body, too.Thanks.

But we all know who'sthe star of the show here.Ilana.

That'll be $438.

That's real.


You know what?It's good.

This is a great day.

Let me ask youa quick question.

What is yourreturn policy?

It's 30 days.

I will see youin 30 days, then.


You still need tosign the receipt.

I would loveto do that.

Sorry about thatcommunication mishap.


Move, honk, honk.

Pardon me.

Out of the way,clavicle.

Okay, five-nine, I can't even,like, deal with you right now.

Oh, do you guys allhave drinks already?

Maybe you should, then, get thehell away from the bar, great.

Is anyone even workingat this bar?

Yes, hi.

What can I get you?

Um, I don't know,what are the drinks?

The West Nile Coolattais very popular,

but I would recommendthe sex trafficking

on the beach orthe tsunami slide.

Well, I guess that I willhave two tsunami slides,

even though that name, I think,is a little bit ridiculous.

Well, 6% of the proceedsgo to the tsunami.

What tsunami?

Whichever onehappens next.

Forward thinking,I guess, then.Or corruption.

Can I interest anyonein a dose of reality?

Some mac and cheese ballfried and truffoiled.

Oh, yeah.I am sayingyes to that.

Just now a child in SouthAmerica died of starvation.

Would youlike another?

You know what?I would.Yeah.

They're very good.They're really good.

Just now a childin South Amer--

Hold on, do you just haveone fact that you repeat?

great apartment.

So many cool pieces.

Great, like,cabinets and--

Right, enough.

Beard, whereyour room at?

Right back thereon the right.Oh, God, finally.



That's too many.

You wanna?Yeah, sure, okay.

Yeah? Okay.

That's dope.

That's my art.Oh, cool.

What is this?

That's a littleembarrassing.

That's mygrandfather's sweater.

He's dead and this is thelast thing of his I have.

Sometimes I sleepin it, you know,

it just remindsyou of him.

Would you put it on?


Were you, like,close with him?

He was, like, my bestfriend, you know?

We did tons ofstuff together.

He taught me how to fish,skip stones, whittle.

Did you, like, cry,when he died?

Can I be honestwith you?


I cried so hardI thought I didn't

have any more tearsleft in me.

Oh, my God.

He was like my bestfriend, you know?

And my worst enemy.


Wait, wait,wait, wait.

I want to takethis slow.

It's gonna take a longtime to get my dress off,

so that's gonna--

It's kind ofsuper slow.

You know what?

We should go up to theroof, the view is sick.


It sounds supersexy and romantic.

So romantic.

Oh, my God,what the--

Holy shit!What?