Week of 9/3/2012 - Jeselnik, Leggero, Glass

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 09/04/2012

Anthony Jeselnik, Natasha Leggero and Todd Glass lambast Lance Armstrong and his doping scandal; Jeff takes shots at people who illegally park in handicapped spots.

>> ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE HERE.

THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO "THE BURN."

HOW DO I LOOK?

>> I HAD MY HAIR DONE BY

HURRICANE ISAAC.

LET'S START WITH SOME BIRTHDAY

SHOUT-OUTS.

HERE'S A BOOTY CALL I'D LIKE TO

GIVE 31 SPANKS TO.

HAPPY BURN, BABY.

I'M SURE BEYONCE'S WISH IS THAT

HER DAUGHTER DOESN'T LOOK LIKE

HER HUSBAND.

[LAUGHTER]

LISTEN, EVERYBODY KNOWS I LOVE

JAY Z BUT HE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE

HE'S HAVING AN ALLERGIC REACTION

TO SHELL FOOD.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SEAN

WHITE.

A GUY BEST KNOWN AS THE SLIGHTLY

MORE [BLEEP]ED UP ROCKY DENNIS.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

AND THIS IS BETSY COOPER, THE

WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING PERSON.

THIS WEEK SHE CELEBRATES HER

116th BIRTHDAY.

[APPLAUSE]

DOESN'T LOOK A DAY OVER 109.

ONE OF HER FAVORITE CHILDHOOD

MEMORIES IS TAKING A BOAT RIDE

WITH TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL.

SHE'S 116!

WHEN SHE WAS ASKED HOW SHE LIVED

TO BE SO OLD, SHE SAID COLD?

I'M NOT COLD.

[APPLAUSE]

HAPPY BURN DAY, BETSY!

I THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

VERY EXCITING NEWS HERE AT "THE

BURN."

AFTER NINE MONTHS, SNOOKI'S

VODKA BROKE AND SHE GAVE BIRTH

TO AMERICA'S NEWEST REALITY

STAR, A HEALTHY BOUNCING SIX

POUNDS, THREE OUNCE MEATBALL

NAMED LORENZO.

I'VE HUNG OUT WITH SNOOKI.

BELIEVE SHE, SHE HAS A GREAT

SENSE OF HUMOR.

THAT'S WHY SHE AND BABY LORENSO

ARE THE SUBJECT OF THIS WEEK'S

RAPID FIRE.

THIS IS SNOOKI'S FIRST BABY AND

FOURTH PREGNANCY.

THE BABY SHOULD BE NAME NEW

YEAR'S BALL.

HE WILL BE DROPPED ONCE A YEAR.

JUST TO MAKE HER FEEL

COMFORTABLE, THE DOCTOR GOT HER

DRUNK BEFORE HE SHOVED HIS HAND

IN HER [BLEEP].

THERE'S A PREGNANT LADY LAUGHING

AT THIS JOKE.

IT'S OKAY.

ARE YOU PREGNANT?

>> I HOPE SO.

>> SNOOKI, YOU'VE MADE HISTORY.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A BABY

HAS EVER COME OUT OF A DUMPSTER.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING BE, BE

LORENZO.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE ONE

MILLIONth GUY TO HANG OUT IN

YOUR

THAT'S IT FOR RAPID FIRE.

CONGRATULATIONS, SNOOKI.

THE PARALYMPICS GAMES ARE TAKING

PLACE NOW IN LONDON.

IT'S SO INSPIRATIONAL WHEN

PEOPLE OVERCOME THEIR HANDICAPS

TO DO GREAT THINGS.

WHAT ABOUT REGULAR HANDICAP

PEOPLE AT HOME THAT JUST WANT TO

PARK THEIR [BLEEP] CARS.

DRIVES ME NUTS WHEN I SEE

ABLE-BODIED PEOPLE STEALING

THOSE SPOTS.

THAT'S WHY I SPENT A DAY BURNING

THE PUBLIC ENEMY.

THE DOUCHEBAGS I CALL SPOT

SNATCHERS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHERE IS A SPOT SNATCHER?

OH, [BLEEP].

HALT!

YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY ILLITERATE.

IT SAYS NO PARKING UNLESS YOU'RE

HANDICAPPED.

>> I AM A HANDICAP.

>> REALLY?

BEING [BLEEP] IS NOT A HANDICAP.

FEEL THE BURN, BITCH!

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, DUDE.

WHY DID YOU PARK HERE?

>> JUST RAN IN REAL QUICK.

>> RANCH DRESSING?

>> YEAH.

>> JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A

HURRY DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PARK

IN A HANDICAP SPOT.

BETTER TELL THE HANDICAPPED

PEOPLE YOU'RE SORRY.

>> SORRY, HANDICAPPED PEOPLE.

>> I'M KEEPING THE RANCH.

YOU'RE A SPOT SNATCHER.

DON'T COME BACK TO THIS PARKING

LOT AGAIN.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

I'M TIRED OF COMING HERE AND I

HAD TO PARK ACROSS THE STREET.

>> ALL RIGHT, MAN.

LET'S TAKE IT UP A NOTCH.

MIKE MY FRIENDS, MIKE AND ALVIN.

LOOK AT THIS GUY.

YO!

WHAT'S YOUR DISABILITY?

ONLY LIMP YOU HAVE IS IN YOUR

PANTS.

>> I GET IT, THIS IS PAY BACK

FOR ALL THE TIMES I CUT YOU IN

DISNEYLAND, RIGHT?

>> I DON'T KNOW YOU.

>> I USED TO SPEED UP YOUR

[BLEEP].

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE TOLD

YOUR FATHER.

PULL OUT!

>> BEAT IT, BUDDY.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

>> BEING UGLY IS NOT A

DISABILITY.

>> YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS?

>> SORRY.

>> NICE WHEELS, DUDE.

>> THANKS.

>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> DANIEL.

>> JEFF.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU.

>> A NICE CHAIR.

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?

>> I MAKE A GOOD LIVING.

>> WANT TO RACE?

>> SURE.

>> READY?

SET?

GO!

NO HABLO ENGLISH?

>> NO HABLO.

>> MOVE THIS PIECE OF [BLEEP].

I DON'T SEE ANY CRUTCHES OR

ANYTHING.

>> YOU KNOW --

>> YOU WANT A LIFT?

>> CAN YOU LIFT ME UP?

>> I HAVE A PERMIT TO HAUL

TRASH.

I KNOW YOU JUST CAME OUT OF THE

WEED STORE AND PARKED IN A

HANDICAP SPOT.

>> I HAD CATARACT SURGERY.

>> LET'S SEE THE WEED.

>> RIGHT THERE.

>> WHAT DOES IT SAY?

ALL RIGHT.

DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S A WARNING.

FEEL THE BURN!

[BLEEP], DUDE!

YES.

[LAUGHTER]

>> AND WHAT IS NEXT?

>> WOMEN'S GROUP CODE PINK IS

PROTESTING OUTSIDE THE GOP

DRESSED AS GIANT VAGINAS.

THEY SAY IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE

WAR ON WOMEN.

>> I'M WEARING A BEAUTIFUL

ARTISTIC REPRESENTATION OF A

SACRED AND SPECIAL PART OF A

WOMAN'S BODY, THE VAGINA.

>> THANK YOU FLORIST THE

PATORIST.

>> THEY LOOK LIKE EXTRAS IN A

STAR TREK PORN PARODY.

>> CODE PINK, I'M ON YOUR SIDE

BUT THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU WIN

THE WAR ON WOMEN.

WHY WOULD ANYBODY DRESS UP IN A

CRAZY COSTUME TO GET ATTENTION?

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> WAIT.

WAS THAT FOR ATTENTION?

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY

JOKES.

[LAUGHTER]

>> NO, THE ONLY REASON I CAN DO

THAT IS BECAUSE I HAVE JOKES.

>> IF THEY WANTED TO SCARE THE

REPUBLICANS, THEY SHOULD HAVE

DRESSED AS MEXICAN VAGINAS.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

>> MEN ARE TELLING US WE CAN'T

HAVE ABORTIONS.

MEN STARTED WARS.

THE WORST THING A WOMAN HAS EVER

DONE IS [BLEEP] FLAV-A-FLAV.

[LAUGHTER]

>> LOOK, THESE WOMEN WITH THE

BIRTH CONTROL --

[LAUGHTER]

-- IT SHOULDN'T BE A CHOICE BUT

LOOKING AT THESE WOMEN.

IT SHOULD BE MANDATORY.

[LAUGHTER]

>> THE ONE GROUP THAT HASN'T

WEIGHED IN IS RAPE BABIES.

ANTHONY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> YOU THINK I'M A RAPE BABY?

>> YEAH.

>> MY MOM WAS ASKING FOR IT.

[LAUGHTER]

>> NICE.

>> JUST TO BE CLEAR, MITT ROMNEY

DOES SAY IF YOU'RE RAPED BY A

HOMELESS PERSON WHO IS ALSO YOUR

BROTHER, YOU DO HAVE TO KEEP THE

BABY.

>> BUT ONLY IN THAT CASE.

>> I MEAN, JOKES ASIDE, WE SAID

UNDERSTAND WHAT?

>> WHERE THE [BLEEP] ARE WE?

>> IT'S AN IMPORTANT ISSUE AS A

WOMAN.

I CARE ABOUT IT.

>> THAT'S THE NAME OF TODD'S ONE

MAN SHOW.

>> TAKE YOUR LITTLE [BLEEP],

ROSS.

>> THANKS, TODD.

HEY --

>> YOU MOTHER [BLEEP].

HE'S READING MY --

>>

[LAUGHTER]

.

>> GO AHEAD.

>> PLUS, AREN'T TALKING VAGINAS

WHAT MEN WANT ANYWAY?

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> WHAT IS NEXT, ED?

[LAUGHTER]

>> THERE'S A WOMAN IN NEW JERSEY

SUFFERING FROM A RARE MEDICAL

CONDITION WHICH CAUSES HER TO

HAVE HUNDREDS OF UNWANTED

ORGASMS.

>> WOW!

>> PLEASE TELL ME THERE'S B-ROLL

FOOTAGE OF THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

>> HOW MANY ORGASMS HAVE YOU HAD

IN A DAY?

WHAT IS THE MOST YOU CAN HAVE?

>> SERIOUSLY.

>> LATELY?

>> YEAH.

>> PRETEND YOUR DAD IS NOT HERE.

>> DON'T WORRY.

>> HE THINKS HE'S AT THE SALLY

JESSIE RAFEAL SHOW.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ANTHONY, ARE YOU OKAY?

>> I THINK I'M DOING THE BEST

HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU, I FEEL

LIKE I'M ABOUT TO GET

RICK-ROLLED.

♪♪

[LAUGHTER]

>> ALL RIGHT.

WELCOME BACK.

ED, WHAT IS NEXT?

>> IT'S A FLORIDA MAN'S PET

MONKEY WAS SHOT AFTER HE

ATTACKED HIS HAND.

[LAUGHTER]

>> BY THE WAY, THIS IS THE BEST

HEADLINE EVERYBODY.

NEIGHBOR SHOTS McCOCK DEAD.

>> YEAH.

THIS POOR MONKEY, NOT ONLY WAS

IT SHOT IN THE HEAD, IT'S MAN OF

THE DIRTY MEAL OF A FLORIDIAN.

>> MY COUSIN ED IS A DIRTY

FLORIDIAN.

>> LOOKS LIKE ONE.

>> I MISSED THE GOOD OLD DAYS

WHEN MONKEYS SMOKED CIGARETTES

AND TORE OFF WOMEN'S FACES.

[LAUGHTER]

>> YEAH.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

ALL SERIOUSNESS --

[LAUGHTER]

-- THEY DRESS THEM UP IN

DIAPERS.

THE WORST THING YOU CAN HEAR IS

IT'S YOUR TURN TO CHANGE THE

MONKEY.

SWEAR TO GOD.

[LAUGHTER]

>> ARE YOU OKAY, TODD.

>> I WAS HOPING THERE WOULD BE A

P.A. THAT WOULD HAVE FIXED THAT

BY NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I GOT IT, TODD.

>> NO, NO, NO.

IT'S A JOKE IF I SAY IT AND I DO

IT MYSELF.

IF I DON'T DO IT MYSELF, PEOPLE

GO HMM.

>> TODD, LEAVE IT, LEAVE IT.

>> NO, NO, NO.

THIS IS WHAT IS GOOD ABOUT THIS

SHOW.

I'M SERIOUS.

IT'S FUN.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I'LL TELL YOU, SHE HAS 100

ORGASMS A DAY AND SHE'S STILL

COMPLAINING.

THAT PROVES WOMEN ARE NEVER

HAPPY.

>> TODD, THAT'S IT.

WE LEFT THAT 20 MINUTES AGO.

>> I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]

WE DID THAT BIT ALREADY.

>> I KNOW.

A WRITER WROTE IT, TOLD HIS

FAMILY TO WATCH THE SHOW.

HE CAN SAY "I WROTE THAT ONE."

>> ANTHONY, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN

TODD'S LIVE ACT BEFORE?

>> I TRIED TO.

[LAUGHTER]

>> I KNOW.

I SEEM LIKE A BIG GUY, BUT DEEP

DOWN, I'M JUST A REGULAR [BLEEP]

IDIOT LIKE YOU PEOPLE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

TODD, YOU'RE SO [BLEEP] FUNNY.

IT'S A MIRACLE YOU'RE NOT

FAMOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

NATASHA, IF YOU HAD TO PICK SEX

WITH EITHER ANTHONY OR TODD, YOU

WERE ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH THE

TWO OF THEM AND I KNOW THIS IS A

LITTLE RANDOM AND I REALIZE YOUR

DAD IS WATCHING AT THE SAME

TIME --

>> IS YOUR DAD HERE?

>> IS HE ONE OF THE CHOICES?

>> NO.

[LAUGHTER]

>> DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE YOU'RE

GOING TO HURT MY FEELINGS.

OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO PICK

YOU.

>> HONESTLY, THE FIRST TIME I

SAW TODD, WHO IS THAT

CHARISMATIC MAN.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE SECOND TIME?

[LAUGHTER]

>> THANKS FOR BEING SO NICE.

KEEP IT GOING FOR MY FRIENDS

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