Webcam Girl

  • 02/13/2013

Alone on Valentine's Day, the guys turn to a webcam girl for romance.

I FELT LIKEI PLAYED THAT EXACTLY RIGHT.

AND SHE STABBED MEIN THE HEAD.

- WHAT CAN I SAY?

ANOTHER VALENTINE'S DAYWITH MY BOYS,

EATING HEART-SHAPED PIZZAFROM RANCHO CUCAPIZZA.

YUMMY.- OH!

- GUYS, WE SHOULD BE EATINGRANCHO CUCA-PENOCHE.

- MM-HMM.

- AND WE DID NOT REHEARSETHAT LISA LOEB SONG

FOR FIVE HOURS NOT TO SERENADE

OUR VALENTINE'S DAY DATES,DUDES.

- THIS IS MAKING ME SADAND I HATE BEING SAD.

LET'S GO DO SOMETHING UN-SAD.

LIKE WATCHING PORNOG TOGETHERON THE BIG SCREEN.

- THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.

- NO! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

PORNO'S THE REASON WE DON'T KNOWHOW TO TALK TO GIRLS.

- WHAT?

- PORNOG...- THANK YOU.

- IS THE REASON WE DON'T KNOWHOW TO TALK TO GIRLS ANYMORE.

OKAY, IT'S MELTED OUR BRAINSINTO...

PORN JUICE OR SOMETHING,I DON'T KNOW.

BUT WE GOT TO MEETREAL CHICKS

OR ELSE WE'RE NEVERGONNA BE REAL MEN.

- OKAY, SURE.

BUT WHERE ARE YOU SUPPOSEDTO MEET REAL CHICKS

WITH 48 HOURSUNTIL THE BIG DAY?

[computer key clacks]

- REALCHIXXXCHAT.COM.

- WEBCAM GIRLS?COME ON.

THIS IS PORNOG, RIGHT?- MM-MM.

- THESE ARE REAL GIRLSTHAT HAPPEN TO BE ONLINE, RIGHT?

LOOKING FOR REAL GUYS LIKE USIN THE REAL WORLD.

- YEAH, THEY'RE REAL CHICKS,THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE.

SOMETIMES THEY'RE EATING FOOD,SOMETIMES THEY'RE MASTURBATING.

- WOW, THREE BOYS?

SO MUCH TO LOVE.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELVES.

- WELL, I FEEL THE EASIEST WAYTO DO THAT WOULD BE--

AND A THREE,AND A TWO, AND A--

all: ♪ YOU SAY

♪ I ONLY HEAR WHAT I WANT TO

♪ I DON'T LISTEN HARD

♪ I DON'T PAY ATTENTION

♪ TO THE DISTANCETHAT YOU'RE RUNNING ♪

♪ TO ANYONE, ANYWHERE

♪ I DON'T UNDERSTAND,IF YOU REALLY CARE ♪

♪ I'M ONLY HEARING NEGATIVE,NO, NO, NO, NO ♪

- WHO'S CRYING?

HEY, WHOA, WHOA, HEY,HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE 'EM, MAN.

WE SAID NO CRANKING DOWN!

THAT'S PART OF THE AGREEMENT.

- I'M NOT CRANKING DOWN!

- WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ONIN HERE?

- [wheezy exhale]

- OH, HE'S TRYINGTO HANDS-FREE EJACK!

- WHAT?- YEAH.

WE WATCHED SOME YOGA GUY DO IT

IN A VIDEO THE OTHER DAY.

- THIS IS LEGAL.I'M NOT USING HANDS.

WE SAID CRANKING DOWN.

- NO, NO, NOT LEGAL.

SLACK YOUR BONE NOW, ADAM.

- I WILL TELL MYSELFWHEN TO SLACK MY BONE.

- I'LL SLACK IT FOR YOU!

- OH, YOU'RE GONNA SLACK ITFOR ME?

- HEY, MORNING, BOYS.

all: HEY!

- MUST HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP.

HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN WATCHING MEALL NIGHT?

- YEAH, WELL,THESE TWO BOZOS FELL ASLEEP,

BUT...I WATCHED YOU ALL NIGHT LONG.

- THAT'S SWEET.

- I DREAMT ABOUT YOU.- YEAH.

- ANYWAY,I MADE YOU BREAKFAST.

- [laughs] OH.

- I GOT SOME TOAST,SOME BEERIOS,

EXTRA CARBSFOR MASTURBATING ALL DAY.

- YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST,I MEAN IT.

- WE'RE FEELING YOU TOO.

- SO WE'RE GONNA GO,'CAUSE WE GOT WORK,

WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.

I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED BREAKFAST.SEE YA.

- WE GOT COMPUTERS AT WORK,

WE'LL SEE YOU IN 30.

[chime]- I DON'T GET IT.

WHY WOULD REALCHIXXXCHAT BEA FORBIDDEN WEBSITE?

MAKES NO SENSE.

THE COMPANY'S ONLY SUPPOSEDTO BLOCK PORNOG.

- DOES THE NAME REALCHIXXXCHAT

EVEN SOUND REMOTELYLIKE A PORNO SITE?

- WHAT NEXT?HE'S GONNA BLOCK GOOGLE?

BECAUSE THERE'S TWO "O"s,AND THEY LOOK LIKE BREASTS?

FROM UP HERE,RANCHO CUCAMONGA SEEMS

LIKE A SMALL TOWN.

YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY,THIS CITY COULD BE ALL OURS?

- OH, IT'S JUST SO BEAUTIFULUP HERE, ANDERS.

- ACTUALLY, UM...

I'VE GOT A HARD ON.

- OH, WELL, THENWHY DON'T YOU PULL IT OUT

AND STROKE IT AND...

I'LL TURN MY [bleep]INTO A GLOVE.

- [guffaws]OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

GOD, YOU'RE SUCH A REAL CHICK.

I LOVE IT.

NOW, IF WE DO THIS,

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOUTO CALL ME YOUR FAV.

CALL ME DAVE, YOUR FAV.

[clattering]

NO, DAVID, YOUR FAVOR-ID.

- HEY, DAVID!- WHAT?

OKAY, SAYI'M YOUR VALENTINE.

- WE KNEW YOU'D BEAT LOOKOUT POINT.

HOW CLICHE CAN YOU GET,YOU BACKSTABBING SLUT?

- OH, YOU SAID NO CRANKING DOWN.

YOU'RE SUCH A HYPOTHETICAL.

YOU'RE A HYPOTHETIC.

- YEP, AND DISGUSTING.

- HEY, GUYS, I TOLD HIMTO PULL IT OUT.

- HEY, JUSTANNA,THE MEN ARE TALKING.

- SO THAT WHOLE SONG AND DANCEABOUT BREAKING UP

WAS ALL A BUNCHOF BALONEY SANDWICH MEAT?

- IT'S MY LAPTOP!- YOUR LAPTOP?

- IT'S MY LAPTOP.- YOUR LAPTOP?

MORE LIKE,SOAR, LAPTOP!

- JUSTANNA!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

- I IMMEDIATELY REGRETDOING THAT.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.- LOOK AT US!

- WE'RE SUPPOSEDTO BE IN THIS TOGETHER!

- HEY, DORKS!

SHUT UP!

I'M TRYINGTO FINISH THIS "V" DAY

WITH A BJ!

- HIGH SCHOOL BJs, DUDE.

- MISS 'EM.- [blubbers lips]

I GOT LIKE...

I NEVER GOT ONE.

- THAT'S WHAT TIME TRAVEL ISGONNA BE FOR.

all: HEY!

- SHH![book cart squeaking]

- OH, HEY, BOYS.

- [whispers]WE'RE HOPING

THAT YOU WOULD JOIN USIN REAL LIFE,

IN REALITY,

UH, FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

JUST THE FOUR OF US.

[beep]

- WAIT, I JUST PUT IN $500 WORTHOF TIME THE OTHER DAY.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT INA LITTLE MORE, OKAY?

- BECAUSE I CAN'T,MY CREDIT CARD'S MAXED OUT.

I BOUGHT A LAPTOP.

- WHAT KINDOF BOBO CREDIT CARD DO YOU HAVE?

- IT'S NOT BOBO,IT'S DISCOVER,

AND IT PAYS TO, OKAY?

- DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT.

- 'CAUSE YOU'RE THE ONEWHO MAXED IT OUT,

TRYING TO HANDS-FREE JACK WHEN--REALLY?

- THAT'S A WORTHY ENDEAVOR.

- [whispers] YOU DON'T HAVETHE MENTAL BANDWIDTH

TO PULL THAT OFF, PLAYBOY.

- I DON'T HAVETHE MENTAL BANDWIDTH?

- NO.

- YOU HAVE NO IDEAHOW WIDE MY BAND IS.

- IT'S LIKE A CAT'S TAIL.- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL HANDS-FREE RIGHT NOW.WATCH, IN PUBLIC.

- GO FOR IT.- WATCH, I'M DOIN' IT.

I'M AT HALF-MAST ALREADY.

- HEY, FELLAS.- I'M GONNA BLOW IN A MINUTE.

IF YOU COULD BE QUIETFOR ONE MINUTE,

I WILL EXPLODE IN MY PANTS.

- COOL IT!- PEOPLE WILL SEE YOU.

- OKAY, THERE'SA LOT OF PRESSURE HERE.

THERE'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

- I NEED YOU,I NEED MY DUDE CREW, RIGHT NOW.

BECAUSE I'M GONNA ASK HERIF WE CAN GO PRIVATE

FOR FREE, ALL RIGHT?JUST FOR A SECOND.

JUST FOR YOUR DADDIES.- NO, I'M NOT ALLOWED.

- [slaps desk]OKAY.

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.WHAT?

- THAT WAS FUN!

- ALL RIGHT,KEVINJAMESFAN6 SAYS,

"PAY UP OR SHUT UP.

NOW START BEATINGYOUR BREAD BOX"?

OH, YOU DON'T--- THAT'S OUR GIRL!

- YOU DON'T TALKTO OUR WOMAN LIKE THAT!

all: TELL HIM TO...

- UH...- MM...

- WHAT DID WE SAYTO THAT ONE GUY?

- WE WERE LEAVING THE BAR...

- YOU SAID--- NO, AND I SAID,

"OH, SUCK IT."all: YES!

- I SAID "SUCK IT."WITH, LIKE, THREE "U"s THOUGH,

SO HE KNOWS WE MEAN BUSINESS.

YOU GUYS.

YOU GUYS, WE HAD IT ALL WRONG.

REALCHIXXXCHAT IS LIKEA GIANT SEX PRISON.

- OUR PLAN JUST SHAPE-SHIFTED.

WE GOT TO SAVE THESE GIRLS, MAN.

WE GOT TO GO FIND ANNA,AND THEN WE GOT

TO OPEN UPA BATTERED-WOMEN'S SHELTER.

AT OUR HOUSE, PREFERABLY.- I SAY WE SPLIT UP,

JUST IN CASE ONE OF USGETS CAUGHT OR SOMETHING.

- I'LL GO THIS WAY.PSYCH.

I'M GOING THIS WAY.JUSTANNA!

JUSTANNA!JUSTANNA!

I SAVED YOUR LIFE.

YOU'RE FREE! RUN!

- COME ON, YOU'RE FREE!GET OUT OF HERE!

JUSTANNA?

OH, HEY!DAMN, GIRL.

- HEY, JUST--OH, I'M SORRY.

JUSTANNA?

YOU'RE FREE TO GO, OKAY?GET OUT OF HERE.

[clears throat]EXCUSE ME,

UH, I'M LOOKING FOR JUSTANNA.

I WAS GONNA FREE HER.- JUSTANNA?

- YEAH, I MEAN,I'LL FREE YOU TOO.

SEE, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

- GOD, BOY!- JEEZ!

- GET BACK HEREAND SUCK MY [bleep].

- JUSTANNA!- STRONG!

- YOU'RE FREE, GO.GO, TAN!

GO TAN!IT'S STILL SUNNY OUT!

HOLY SHIT!

- [indistinct]SUCK IT.

- OH! COME ON, LET'S GO!

YOU DON'T HAVETO BE HERE ANYMORE.

- [screams]HEY! MY SHOW! MY TIPS!

MOTHER[bleep]!- OW!

- YOU GET YOUR ASS OUT!- OW! OW! OH, JESUS!

- JUSTANNA!

- OH!- JUSTANNA!

- OH, MY GOD! WE'RE GONNACOME BACK FOR YOU GUYS.

WE'RE GONNA FREE THOSE--YOU.

- JUSTANNA!- YEAH, IT'S ON NOW!

- ANIMALS.

[slow clapping]- WERE THEY CHASING YOU?

- JUSTANNA?

- NOPE.

JUST ME.

GREAT JOB, FELLAS.

TRESPASSINGAND POSSIBLY ASSAULT.

COPS WILL LOVE THAT.

- NO, THE COPSARE GONNA LOVE YOU.

BECAUSE YOU'RE RUNNINGA SEX TRAFFICKING BUSINESS.

- SEX TRAFFICKING?

I'M ON THE BOARD OFTHE CHAMBER OF COMMERCE, FELLAS.

- WELL, THEN YOU LET HER OUTOF THAT CHAMBER!

OF COMMERCE.

- HEY, LOOK, MAN, ALL RIGHT?

JUSTANNA'S OUR SWEETHEART,OKAY?

- SHE'S EVERYBODY'S SWEETHEART.

- WE'RE NOT LEAVINGWITHOUT HER.

- OKAY, I'LL CALL HER IN.

ANNA?

[busy signal beeping]

ANNA?

I DON'T KNOW HOWTO WORK THE PHONE.

SO MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GOTO HER.

- OOH, THAT'S NAUGHTY.

YOU'RE BAD.

- HERE WE GO.- JUSTANNA!

IT'S ME! IT'S US!

- HEY! HEY!

HANDS OFF!- OKAY.

- THESE GUYS CAME HERETO RESCUE YOU, ANNA.

THEY SAIDYOU'RE THEIR SWEETHEART.

- WHAT ARE YOU GUYSDOING HERE?

- UH...

- WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW,

WE THINK WE'RE FALLINGFOR YOU, BABE.

LIKE, IN THE LOVE WAY.

- BLAKE, YOU GUYSDON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

- I THINK WE ACTUALLY KNOWA LOT ABOUT YOU.

THERE'S A LITTLE TWINKLEIN YOUR EYE,

YOU HAVETHOSE CUTE LITTLE GLASSES,

AND THE WAY YOU SMACKYOUR [bleep].

- OKAY, WELL,WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS

THAT THREE BABIES CRAWLEDOUT OF HERE.

- BUT WHAT ABOUTTHE PAINTINGS? YOUR ART?

YOU CAN'T JUST FLUSHYOUR DREAMS DOWN THE TOILET.

- THE ART IS JUST A GIMMICK.KEITH PAINTS THESE.

- YOU LIKE 'EM, RIGHT?COOL PAINTINGS?

- NO, THEY'RE BAD,THEY'RE TERRIBLE.

IT'S LIKE A STUPID,DUMB BABY DREW 'EM.

- OH, A DUMB BABY DREW THIS?- DUMB LITTLE BABY.

- YOU'RE SHOWING YOUR IGNORANCEOF COMPOSITION.

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