Monday, August 3, 2015

  • 08/03/2015

Al Madrigal, Ed Helms and Rob Riggle taunt a hitchhiking robot, persuade investors with #BadSharkTankPitches and name the worst jobs they've ever had.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)ON A PREVIOUS EPISODE OF

@MIDNIGHT, WE TOLD YOU ABOUTHITCHBOT, THE LOVABLE ROBOT,

WHO TRIED TO HITCHHIKE FROMBOSTON TO SAN FRANCISCO

USING ONLY THE KINDNESS OFSTRANGERS. HERE'S A PICTURE

BEFORE THE TRIP BEGAN WITHFRIENDLY SAN FRANSICANS,

LOOK AT THAT. ALL HAVING AGOOD TIME.

THIS GIRL IS LOOKING ATSOMETHING ELSE COMPLETELY

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.

HERE HE IS TAKING IN A BOSTONRED SOX GAME. HITCHBOT HAD SO

MUCH FUN. THEN HE WENT TOPHILADELPHIA.

OH [BLEEP].

>> GREAT JOB, PHILADELPHIA.

YOU BEAT UP THAT POOR ROBOTSO BAD HE PUKED OUT

BATTERIES WHICH YOU THENPICKED UP AND WHIPPED AT

SANTA.

I'M NOT LETTING THAT GO.

I AM NOT LETTING THAT GO.

HOWEVER MISALIGNED THE FACTSMAY BE.

THIS PICTURE WAS TAKEN RIGHTBEFORE THE MAYOR OF PHILLY

STOLE THE PHOTOGRAPHER'SCELL PHONE.

COMEDIANS, AS A CITIZEN OFPHILADELPHIA, TAUNT THIS ROBOT

WHILE YOU BEAT HIMSENSELESS. LET'S START WITH

YOU, AL.

>> THIS IS FOR "CHAPPIE."

>> POINTS.

>> POINTS.

>> BAD MOVIE.

>> BAD MOVIE.

>> ROB RIGGLE.

>> DON'T TELL ME A ROBOTCAN'T GIVE ME A HAND JOB!

(LAUGHTER)>> LOOK AT THOSE HANDS.

>> NOW GO GET ME A GLASS OFWATER.

WELL DONE, POINTS, POINTS.

>> PARENTS ACROSS THEINTERNET ARE SHARING

SCORCHED PHOTOS OFTHEMSELVES AND CHILDREN

BADLY SUNBURNED AND WHO ARETHEY BLAMING?

THE SUN--AND ALSO JESSICAALBA.

STAR OF "HONEY" AND CO-FOUNDEROF THE HONEST COMPANY,

PEOPLE ARE CLAIMING HERSUNSCREEN IS NOT DOING A GOOD

JOB OF PROTECTING THEM FROM THEPOWERFUL, DAMAGING RAYS.

STAY INSIDE, I SAY, THERE'SNOTHING OUT THERE FOR YA.

INSIDE, YOU GOT FOOD AND SEXAND VIDEO GAMES.

SOME PEOPLE, I DON'T KNOWWHY THEY WANT TO GO OUT.

THEY JUST WANT TO WATCH THEWORLD BURN. SO COMEDIANS,

WHAT IS ANOTHERCELEBRITY-ENDORSED PRODUCT YOU

REGRET BUYING? ED HELMS.

>> ARMIE HAMMER'S ARMYHAMMERS, HAMMERS FOR THE

ARMY.

>> YES, POINTS.

SPECIFICALLY FOR THE ARMY.

>> I'M NOT IN THE ARMY. I HADNO USE FOR IT.

>> GOOD.

AL.

>> ANDY DICK SALAD DRESSING.

(APPLAUSE)>> ROB RIGGLE.

>> LET'S SEE, STEVENHAWKINGS 10 MINUTE POWER ABS?

>> [BLEEP].

>> GREATEST MIND OF OUR TIME,ROB, COME ON.

>> AND DYNAMITE ABS TO BOOT.

>> POINTS TO YOU FOR THAT.

IT'S NOW TIME

FOR THE #HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> YEAH.

IT'S HAPPENING.

LAST FRIDAY WAS THE MAGICALDAY ON WHICH "SHANK TANK"

JUDGE AND DALLAS MAVERICKSOWNER MARK CUBAN WAS

BORN. I KNOW YOU ALREADYCELEBRATED, I'M SORRY.

WE WANTED TO PUT ON ASPECTACULAR AIRSHOW TO

CELEBRATE BUT WE DIDN'T HAVEENOUGH MONEY FOR ANY PLANES SO

INSTEAD THE HAHTAG TONIGHTIS #BADSHARKTANKPITCHES.

WHAT DO YOU PITCH A BILLIONAIREWHO'S BEEN PITCHED EVERYTHING?

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: BABY'S FIRSTPEPPER SPRAY OR THE CAT-APULT,

A MEDIEVAL LAUNCHING DEVICE FORHOUSE PETS WOULD BE ANOTHER

THING THAT YOU COULD PITCH.

IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

>> ADULT DIAPERS BUT FORBABIES.

POINTS.

>> ROB.

>> ELECTRIC DOG [BLEEP].

>> POINTS.

>> AL.

>> "FAST AND FURIOUS 8."

>> POINTS.

>> ED.

>> THE SVELTE JAMES. IT'S LIKE ASLIM JIM BUT IT'S CLASSIER.

>> POINTS.

>> SNAP INTO A SVELT JAMES.

>> MUCH MORE DIGNIFIED.

>> FLEACH, FLAVORED BLEACH.

>> PERFECT.(LAUGHTER)

POINTS.

ROB.

>> BUTT PLUGS SHAPED LIKEMINIONS.

WHICH THEY KIND OF ALREADYARE.

>> THAT IS A BRILLIANTIDEA.

>> BUT THEY GIGGLE WHEN THEY GOIN.

>> AND WHEN YOU SHOVE IT IN,YOU JUST GO, "OH DESPICABLE ME."

IT IS TIME TO PLAY

TURN-ONS/TURN-OFFS DADEDITION.

>> I WANT TO SHOW YOU A SUAVEDAD FROM THE FANTASTIC

FASHIONDADS INSTAGRAM.FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO

TELL ME THEIR TURN-ONS ANDTURN-OFFS.

FIRST ONE. THIS CABBAGE PATCHDAD. ED.

TURN-ONS: WATCHING "INSIDE THEACTOR'S STUDIO" WITH MY

BELOVED CABBAGE.TURN-OFFS: GENOCIDE.

>> YEAH, POINTS. HE DOESN'T LIKEIT. NOT A FAN.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUTTO BOWL HIS 10th FRAME.

BUT ANYWAY, TURN-ONS:COLESLAW.

>> YEAH.

ACTUALLY.

>> AND OF COURSE TURN-OFFS:MEGAN'S LAW.

>> POINTS.

>> ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE,THIS CAMO FATHER.

>> OH.

>> AL.

>> TURN-ONS: THE SMELL OF NAPALMIN THE MORNING.

TURN-OFFS: THE SMELL OFTOOTHPASTE IN THE MORNING.

>> YES.

>> POINTS.

>> NICE.

>> ED.

>> TURN-ONS: DEEP ABIDINGLONELINESS.

HE'S TURNED BY IT. THAT IS WHYHE'S HIDING.

HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TOKNOW HE IS THERE.

TURN-OFFS: THE GOVERNMENTGETTING ALL UP IN MY

[BLEEP].

>> YES, POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)NEXT ONE, THIS DOGGIE DADDIE.

>> OH, ED.

>> TURN-ONS: MAKING LOVE TOMY WIFE.

TURN-OFFS: PEOPLE WHO DON'TUNDERSTAND WHY MY DOG IS MY

WIFE.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> SHE DOESN'T CALL IT"DOGGIE STYLE," SHE JUST CALLS

IT "STYLE."

>> REGULAR STYLE, JUST REGULARSTYLE.

>> ROB.

>> HUMAN STYLE.

>> HUMAN STYLE.

>> WELL, TURN-ONS: SQUIRRELS.

(LAUGHTER)TURN-OFFS: THIS FAT GUY.

>> I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT.

YOU MADE UP YOUR OWN RULESFOR THAT.

THAT WAS GOOD.

>> NEXT ONE, THIS DAD, THISDAD.

>> "HI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

ROB.

>> TURN-ONS: PUSSY, WEED ANDMONEY.

(LAUGHTER)TURN-OFFS: NARCS.

>> YES.

>> POINTS.

LAST ONE, LAST ONE, THISWAREHOUSE HUSBAND.

>> YES, ROB.

>> CLEARLY TURN-ONS:FORKLIFTS AND SWEAT SUITS.

>> YEAH.

>> AND TURN-OFFS: NONE.

>> YEAH.

POINTS.

AL.

>> TURN-ONS: STUFF THAT FELLOFF A TRUCK.

TURN-OFFS: RUNNING OUT OFCOLOGNE.

>> YES, POINTS, PERFECT.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWEDYOU THIS CLIP OF A SHORT BOY

DRINKING A TALL BOY ANDASKED TO YOU TALK YOUR WAY

OUT OF TROUBLE AS ANIMBIBING YOUTH.

LET'S SEE YOU WHAT WROTE. ED,LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> HOW MANY OTTER POPS ANDPLUSH TOYS WILL IT TAKE TO

MAKE THIS GO AWAY?

>> AL MADRIGAL.

>> YOU'D DRINK TOO IF YOU'VESEEN WHAT I'VE SEEN.

AND BY THAT I MEAN THE SAXOPHONEPLAYER FROM THE WIGGLES' DICK.

>> ROB RIGGLE.

>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.

I MAY HAVE HAD A FEW BEERSAT DAY CARE BUT I DON'T

THINK THAT MAKES ME A DRUNK.

>> ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME.

BAPTISM BY FIRED.

BAPTISM BY FIRED.

JON STEWART IS LEAVING "THEDAILY SHOW" THIS WEEK.

THIS IS THE END OF AN ERA.

THIS MAN CHANGED TELEVISION.

HE EVOLVED COMEDY. HE'S WON AMILLION EMMYS.

HE'S DONE SUCH AN AMAZING JOB.

(APPLAUSE)>> AND AS WE LOOK BACK AT

HIS LEGACY, ONE THING THATSTANDS OUT IS HOW MANY

CAREERS HE HAS HELPEDLAUNCH.

NOT JUST THESE GUYS BUT SOMANY OTHER PEOPLE.

AND ALSO, KIND OF MY CAREERTOO.

THE YEAR WAS 2000.

JON WAS INTERVIEWING MYFORMER "SINGLED OUT" CO-STAR

JENNY MCCARTHY, BEFORESHE UNDISCOVERED VACCINES.

AND I, BY THE WAY, WAS FAT,DRUNK, HALF ASLEEP. MY LIFE

WAS COMPLETE [BLEEP] ANDTHEN THIS CAME ON,

WHICH WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITESHOWS AT THE TIME.

AND THIS HAPPENED.

>> EVERYTHING IS GOINGAWESOME.

>> IT'S TERRIFIC.

AND IT'S FUNNY, CHRISHARDWICK WORKS HERE NOW.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

>> AND THE SHOW IS CALLED,THE SITCOM WHAT IS IT

CALLED?

>> NO, NO, NO.

HE DOES THE COFFEE.

(LAUGHTER)>> THIS WAS ONE OF THE MOST

DEFINING MOMENTS IN MY LIFE,BECAUSE THIS WAS A PUBLIC

INTERVENTION, AND IT WAS THISON TELEVISION WHEN I SORT OF

LOOKED AROUND AND SAW THESEEMPTY PIZZA BOXES AND BEER

BOTTLES, I WAS LIKE OH,[BLEEP], HE'S RIGHT.

AND PEOPLE LAUGHED.

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALLYSTARTED GOING, "HEY, I

SHOULD NOT DRINK AND GET MYLIFE TOGETHER."

SO I OWE JON STEWART A HUGEDEBT OF GRATITUDE FOR

ACTUALLY [BLEEP] ON ME INPUBLIC AND CREATING A HUGE

WAKE-UP CALL.

I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN IT WASN'T HISINTENTION TO HELP ME IN

ANY WAY BUT THAT WAS THE RESULT.

>> I HUNG OUT WITH PARTYCHRIS HARDWICK.

HE WAS PRETTY AWESOME.

>> WE SHOULD BE MAD ATJON STEWART FOR FOISTING YOU

UPON US.

>> YES, THIS DID GET METHINKING, WHETHER IT'S

MAKING COFFEE OR CLEANING UPTHE @MIDNIGHT GREEN ROOM

AFTER STEVE AGEE HAS BEEN ON,WE'VE ALL HAD OUR FAIR SHARE

OF TERRIBLE JOBS.

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TOLIST OFF THE WORST JOBS YOU HAVE

EVER HAD IN 60 SECONDS ANDBEGIN, AL.

>> GEORGE ZIMMERMAN SURPRISER.

>> HELMS.

>> DONALD TRUMP'S MINORITYOUTREACH ADVISOR.

>> POINTS.

>> ED HELMS.

>> ROBOT HITCHHIKER.

>> POINTS.

>> BEAR WRESTLER, NOT THEANIMAL BUT BIG HAIRY GAY

MEN.

>> POINTS.

>> ROB.

>> ANAL BLEACHER ON A CRUISESHIP.

>> POINTS.

>> NOT SO BAD IF YOU USE FLEACH.>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> AL.

>> SUGE KNIGHT'S MECHANIC.

>> ALL RIGHT.