Knockoffs

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 02/04/2015

Ilana's family comes to town to sit shiva for her grandmother, and Abbi finally strikes up a romance with Jeremy.

Oh, I'm just gonnause one of theirs.

Well, how are you gonna dotouch-ups during the week?

Mom, she's a high-classWASP-y Jew.

A Philadelphia queenfrom down the Main Line,

King of Prussia Mall!

(bottles slapping in unison)

Oh, Bobbi, I just wantedto say that I'm really sorry

about Grandma Estherpassing away.

Oh, thank you,sweetheart.

But don't cryfor Grandma Esther.

That woman lived92 full years.

She played forthe Rockford Peaches.

She sangat the Cotton Club.

And she (bleep)Little Richard!Oh, I forgotabout that.

Wait, I thoughtLittle Richard was gay.

Bisexual alien.No, bisexual alien.

Besides,you know what?

Gets me a chance to go to CanalStreet and pick up some handbags

for the girlsback on Long Island.

Mom, I thought we were donewith the bag obsession.

Excuse me, Ilana,my mother just died.

I was done, but nowI'm dipping my toe back in.

Speaking of which,sweetheart,

you're gonna needa much stronger scissor

for that big toe, okay?Thank you.

♪♪

Abbi,sweetheart,

let me know if you want meto get you a bag

when I go to Chinatownlater, okay?

I love bags.

You guys enjoythe day together.

I'm actually late for mynon-date hangout, you know.

Don't forget to weara condom, Abbi.

Ilana, I--

One time, I don't wear a condomand you tell your--No!

That's just how she saysgoodbye to people.

Yeah, I care.

Okay.

All right,well, have fun.

Ugh, will you lookat that gorgeous tush?

Oh, my God,it's perfection.

Talking about my butt?(both)Yes.

How have we notdone this sooner?

I have no idea.

Do you wantto maybe switch?

Mix it upa little bit?

You sure?

Yeah,why not, right?

Oh, awesome.

(whispering)It's a Shinjo.

Right in the butt.

Uh...

Oh, my God!

Oh, you just meantswitch positions?

Yeah,but it's fine.

I-- I thought you weresuggesting that we switch.

Yeah, it just caught meoff guard,

so I'm just getting,you know, the feel.

I'm so sorry.

No, I--Please.

No, you know what?Just forget it.

I just need a minute.Just one minute.

It's okay.

Stupid.

Rachel Ackerman, RachelAlterman, Aunt Cherry.

Rabbi Stein,Rachel Lieberman.

(phone vibrating)Joanne fromthe salon.

Cut or uncut?

Cut.

Ooh, elegant.And girth?

Listen, dude, I'm freakingthe (bleep) out right now.

So we were doing it,

and I was like,"We should switch positions,"

and then he throws mea strap-on.

Hold, please.

Hello?I get one, too.

And I think the rest are justgonna be extras, so yeah.

Ilana,control yourself.

Excuse me,I'm on the phone.

Jesus, Ilana.

This is a dream come true.

Thank you for sharingthis with me.

Dude, I'm callingfor advice.

Oh. Sorry.

Okay, so start by lubing upthe head and work--

No-- I'm not even sureI'm gonna do it.

What is not to know?This is once in a lifetime!

It's going too fast.

Ab, all throughout college,I slept with a strap-on on,

just in case the opportunitycame along

that you have handed to youon a silver (bleep) platter!

I don't know, I just envisionedbeing with Jeremy in, like,

a lot of different ways,but not--

not this way.

We are going to mygrandmother's shiva, okay?

The reason I'm, like,sitting and crying

is because that badass bitch dideverything she ever wanted to.

You want to go to the grave

dreaming of Jeremy's hairy, adorable little butthole?

Or do you want to die knowingthat you brought him pleasure

by plowing itlike a queen?

I just don't know,Ilana.

Bitch, you know.

You wouldn't have called meif you didn't.

(sighing)

Turn around.

Ilana, honey,look who's here.

Simply yes or no.

Did youor did you not...

(exhaling sharply)peg?

(Elliott continues singing)

Ilana--

This is the happiestday of my--

(screaming)life!

(stops singing)Ohhhh!

I think she's upset.Hoo!

You know it's yourgrandmother's shiva?

Whoo,you a pegga!

Okay.

Pega-seuss!

Maybe we cantalk about it--That's you.

Let's talk about itat my house, later.

Abbi!Hi.

I'm so sorry.Oh, hi, sweetheart,thanks for coming.

Look at you.

She's glowing, Ilana,look at her.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, this isa nice bag.Thank you so much.

Italian leather?Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, how's the lining?Oh, it's agreat lining.

Let me see-- I'll bethe judge of that.

No, trust me.Trust me.

Abbi Anna Abrams!My mother's freshly dead!

Now let melook at this lining!

Abbi,give it to her.

Ooh, waterproof,love that.

Uh-huh.

Nice backstitch.

You really are a high-classJewess, let me tell ya.

I told you.

Beautiful, beautiful.Where'd you get this?

Um, you know, it's...Um...

You know,that is a...Ahem.

Do I needto keep going?

Yeah.Definitely.

No, no, hold on.Peg?

What's peg?

Pegging is when a womanwith a strap-on,

with a dildo,penetrates a man.

Oh, but wouldn't that be morelike a gay thing, Elliot?

No, I mean, how would I puta dildo on top of my dick?

That's true.

Straight men and gay men alikeboth enjoy prostate stimulation.

And it's very popularwith married couples.

Oh.Is it?

Probably.

(Bobbi)We were at the Millers' once.

It turned outit was a swingers party.

No!Oh, wow.

Yeah, but we didn't have sexwith anybody, just--

You know, but we stayed 'causethe food was incredible.

Yes, and we also stayedbecause the owner's child

had died of an overdoseand we wanted to be supportive.

Out of support.

But Abbi, good for youfor trying something new,

That is terrific.

I can't really believe thatwe're talking about it,

because, you know, Ilana wastelling me about Grandma Esther

and how she--she lived with no regrets.

And it made me think, we allneed to live more like that,

You know, like,I kind of feel like I--

Yeah, I pegged.

Yeah, I pegged,

but I kind of did it for Grandma Esther, you know?

In a way.

(sobbing)Oh, it's okay.

Oh, it's all right.

Mom,feel something!

I'm feeling the insideof this bag, okay?