Museum of Broken Relationships

  • Season 1, Ep 19
  • 08/02/2016

Nikki visits a museum full of people's old relationship keepsakes, debunks myths about bisexuals with Margaret Cho and rails against the injustices of America's wage gap.


- Welcome back.

So tonight we'regonna talk about

the economics of being a woman.

By now, everyoneknows that women

only make 79 cents to the dollar

and that's actually whyI shop at Forever 21

so that I can be reminded that I am forever 21 cents

less valuable than a man.

(audience groaning)

Obviously we need to narrow the wage gap

and the thigh gap and also the baby gap.

Nothing there fits me.

I feel fat.

Equal pay for equal work is a no brainer.

So let's talk about all the bullshit

women have to go through just to make less than men.

Let's start at the beginning.

Getting ready for work.

It takes the averagewoman three times longer

to get ready than the average man.

And even longer if you're ugly.

(audience laughs)

That's extra time a man can spend

reading, exercising, or masturbating.

Whereas I have to multitask.

And let me tell you,

it's hard to get through Angela's Ashes

while you're jackalackin' on an elliptical.

(audience laughs)

I know some of you guys are probably just saying,

"Well, why don't you just stop putting shit on your face.

"We like you better without makeup."

And to that, I'll say aresounding, "Fuck you."

'Cause every time I don't wear makeup

I get asked if I'm sick.

They're like, "Did someone in your family die?"

I'm like, "No, I just woke up feeling pretty and confident.

"Sorry, won't happen again."

Here's the sick thing.

Studies show that women who wear makeup

actually earn more money,

which those women are going to need

because makeup is expensive as fuck.

Kurt, do you have any idea how much this costs?

- Well, what, you mean the nose job?


- I haven't yet.

It took over an hour to do this tonight.

And yes, I do feel better about myself

with my mask on.

But it's only because without it,

I don't deserve love.

Look, it feels like it sometimes.

I know damn well that being a woman

is both awesome and a complete pain in the ass at time.

But I wanted to hear it from someone who understands

both sides of the gender equation.

So I sat down with a friend,

comedian Riley Silverman,

who came out as a woman six years ago.

Riley, I haven't seen you for a while.

- It's been a long time.

- You really do have aninteresting perspective

because you lived as a man

and now you're living as a woman.

Do you enjoy the extraeffort of being a woman?

- I think at first it was really enjoyable

because it was part of this ritual.

And you're like, "Ohmy God, I'm doing this.

"This is my everyday life."

Then after a month, you're like,

"This is my everyday life."

- Has there been a spike in costs since transitioning.

- Everything is a little bit more money.

Like everything costs more.

Like haircuts cost more,

clothing is always moremoney for lower quality.

And then just even having to buy makeup.

- Yeah.

- This adds up really fast.

- You're a pretty big fashionista.

That's gotta be a huge difference in your wardrobe.

- Yeah.

- Talk to me about the change in cost there.

- Everyday, so I had to have like a different skirt.

And that's like in my morning,

there's a lot of days where I'm that exact stereotypical,

"I don't have anything to wear."

And I have a closet full of clothes.

- Yes.

- Not only would it be when I was living as a man

would I just wear apair of jeans every day.

It would be the same jeans.

Like you'd wear the samejeans for like a month.

- Like how women wear bras.

- Yeah, exactly.

- Do you sleep in a bra?

- [Riley] No. - [Nikki] Most women don't.

But I like, I need it.

It's like comforting because my mom never hugged me.


It really is expensive being a woman.

Products directed at women

like lotions, razors, and shampoo,

consistently cost more than similar products

directed at men.

Because I guess it's pricey

giving all ourdeodorants tiny waists.

If it isn't shaped like a lady

then how will I know it's for me?

That literally is what it.

They call this pricediscrepancy the pink tax

because, I guess, vaginas are pink.

I don't know, mine isn't, whatever.

But that's something that I don't think a lot of men

ever think about which brings me to periods.

And sorry, I know, I'm gonna talk

about periods for a second.

But I'm on mine, so I'llfucking do what I want.

(audience laughs)

I'm not, I'm late.

(audience laughs)

No, a little while back

we did a segmentcalled Pay Your Tab Cab

where I picked up guys from a strip club

and then gave them a chance to win money

by answering questions about women.

At one point in their ride,

I asked these men to demonstratetheir knowledge of periods.

Here's what happened?

(funky music)

Alright it is time forthe red zone challenge.

Are you ready?

- Excited

- What do we gotta do?

- I am like on my period right now.

Here's 50 dollars.

I just need you to go inside there

and just get me anything that you think will help.

- Okay.

- Go, go, go.

- [Man In Hoodie] Hey.

- What'd you get?

- I got all the good stuff.

- Yeah.

- Stuffed turtle.

- Okay, why this?

- 'Cause when you're cramping you need cuddles.

You know, you're sad.

- And pink because?

- 'Cause girl.


- Okay, well, we got you right here.

We got you covered.

I got you the pads.

- What are those?

Those look like diapers.

- They only had a 34 pack

and I don't know how many you use.

- You got me pads?

Do you think I'm Mormon?

What the hell is this?

- I don't know how they work.

- I'll just like, I'll roll these up

and stick 'em up like they're tampons.

- Good.

- [Nikki] Cool. - [Blonde Man] That's good.

- These are thenessentials, you ready?

- Okay.

- Chocolate with almonds.

- Okay, okay, we're talking.

- I even got three chocolate bars.

Two for you and one for me.

- Oh my God, that's so sweet of you.

- That way I don't got to ask for none of yours.

And you don't got to ask for none of mine.

- It's nice that you think about yourself in these times.

Anything else?

- I got you a Lean Cuisine.

- I'm on my period not suicide watch.

- Condolence card.

- Our thoughts are with you.

This is a condolence card

because you're going through your period.

- Yes.

I thought you'd need it.

- You're not wrong.

- For somebody who ain't never had a period before

I think I did okay.

- You really did, you really did.

- Yeah.

- I hope you get one.

- I hope I don't because it's a lot of shit for a period.

- Isn't it?

(audience cheers)

The struggle is real.

The minutes and dollars it takes

to look normal as a woman add up.

So the next time I hear an actor

from some movie complaining about,

"Oh, I had to sit in a makeup chair

"for three hours to look like a monster."

Try and remember that we do that every day

so people don't think we look like monsters.

We'll be right back.

(audience cheers)

(acoustic guitar music)

- Welcome to The Museumof Broken Relationships.

- Thank you for having us.

I feel very at home here.


- Like, this is like the museum

of the human experience and what's happening now.

Where's the Taylor Swift section?


- So, the thing is everything's anonymous

so I can't tell you.

It's upstairs.

- Okay, I feel like I'd be happier going through here

if I was in a relationship.

But, since I've made just a cocktail of bad decisions,

like I'm still inside of that feeling.

- Yes, I can't wait, let's go!

- Yeah.- [Rachel] Yes.

(acoustic guitar music)

- This is a binder of poems.

I guess this chick wrote poems during the whole relationship

and then, when it was over, she was like,

"I need these out of my life."

I understand wanting to throw away poetry.

- Yeah, I understand why he might've wanted

to break it off with her.


How many poems can one guy receive

before he's had it with her shit.

(upbeat drumming music)

- Oh, she was dating a junkie,

and he ripped this out of a pay phone,

and then gave it to her.

- So, they broke up,and he's now single, or?

- I hope. - [Rachel] What's his status?

(synth pop music)

- When you're going through a break up,

don't you kind of just want them to die,

so that like they can'tfind someone else?

- I want like a series of unfortunate things to happen.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah.

- Like just a hawk floated off with him.

- No, I want them like actively murdered.

- You want them dead. - [Nikki] Not murdered

because I don't wanna implicated,

but yeah, I'd like them to die.

- Yes.

- All right, let's keep looking.


(synth pop music)

- What is that?

"Pay attention to me."

That's the most heartbreak per square inch in this place.

- I'm gonna do it, too, for when I have a boyfriend,

and he ignores me for my next--

- He definitely will.


- Aw, I hate you.

- You pick the worst people, I'm just kidding.


(upbeat rock music)

- Okay, so, we brought some stuff

from our broken relationships,

and we want you justto like assess to see--

These, okay, noise cancelling headphones.

I'm not comfortable with my own emotions,

so I would wear these and put 'em on,

and then weep.

I'd be like (fake crying sounds).

And I couldn't' hearmyself, so I felt like--

- I think those would absolutely count.

Everyone processesgrief in their own way,

so I think that that story would work.

- These headphones are like super expensive,

so I'm gonna hold on to these.

Okay, Rach, you're up.

- So, the alcoholic that I dated--

This is when I knew that this was kind of the last straw is

I came home one night, and he was wasted

on the edge of the bedwith only this shirt on,

just this Hawaiian top.

- Pants-less?

- Balls, dick, and his celebrational Hawaiian shirt.

He was just sitting there and going like,


- Like that was a good decision he making?

- Yes, he kept pointingto his shirt and going,




- And, you dated him for how much longer after that?

- A few years.


All right, I was aggressively lonely at the time

and he was very hot.

- Oh, this is just a bag of batteries.

I don't know what to do with batteries.

Yeah, but okay, I wish I could relate it to something.

So, that doesn't really work.

I honestly feel like I need to date more terrible people

before I donate anything.

The best stories come out of break ups.

I think this is why this museum works,

and girl, you need to get yourself into some therapy.


(symbol sounding)