Washington, D.C.

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 07/09/2013

Woodward and Bernstein crack Watergate, and Elvis meets Nixon. Featuring Jack Black, Dave Grohl and Bob Odenkirk.

ON THE PHONE ABOUT THIS.

I'M MARK FELT,AND I DID SPY TIMES AND WWII,

AND I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS.

YOU GET THE NEW YORK TIMESEVERY DAY AT YOUR DOOR.

AT PAGE 20,I WILL DRAW A LITTLE CLOCK

THAT SAYS WHAT HOURI WANNA MEET YOU.

AND HERE'S THE THING.

ANYTIME YOU WANNA MEET ME,

MARK FELT SAYS,I NEED SOMETHING

THAT I COULD VISUALLYACKNOWLEDGE.

WOODWARD SAYS,I DO HAVE THIS POTTED PLANT

THAT I KEEP OUTON MY BALCONY.

I COULD MOVE THAT.

AND MARK FELT IS LIKE,HERE'S THE THING.

I WANNA MEET YOU ATTHIS UNDERGROUND PARKING GARAGE

IN VIRGINIA.

BUT ANYTIME YOU WANNA MEET ME,LEAVE OUT THE BACK STAIRS.

WALK A COUPLE OF BLOCKS,GET IN A CAB.

TAKE THAT CAB,GET OUT OF THE CAB,

WALK A COUPLE BLOCKS,GET IN ANOTHER CAB,

GET IN THAT CAB,GET OUT OF THAT CAB,

WALK A COUPLE BLOCKSTO THE VIRGINIA PARKING GARAGE

THAT I PREVIOUSLYTALKED ABOUT.

WOODWARD MEETS FELT.

AND HE SAYS...

HOLD ON.

[whispering]I THINK I'M GONNA VOMIT.

[breathing]

DO YOU--[burps]

- DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.

- [vomiting]

SORRY, PAL.

I'M READY TO TELL THE STORY.

HOWEVER, ABRAHAM LINCOLN

WAS REQUESTINGEDWIN PERFORM SHAKESPEARE

AT GOVERNMENT FUNCTIONS.

AM I [bleep] IT UP, GUYS?

WHAT'S UP, GUYS?

WHAT--IS IT [bleep] IT UP?

OKAY, OKAY.[mumbling]

OKAY.RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

AT THE FORD'S THEATRE,

WHEN JOHN WILKES BOOTHWAS GESTICULATING,

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S SISTER-IN-LAWIS LIKE,

I THINK HE'S POINTING AT YOU,ABRAHAM.

AND ABRAHAM LINCOLN IS LIKE,

IT DOES SEEM LIKEHE'S POINTING AT ME.

UHH...

THIS IS A LITTLE WEIRD.

HE SHOULD, UH, YOU KNOW,

NOT BE POINTING AT MEDURING THIS PARTICULAR LINE

BECAUSE IT'S SORT OF...AGGRESSIVE.

IN NOVEMBER 1864,EDWIN BOOTH IS LIKE,

HEY, YOU KNOW,I WANNA GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER.

WE'VE HAD SOME HARD TIMES.

LET'S DO A PLAYTOGETHER AGAIN,

FOR ONE PERFORMANCE ONLY-- JULIUS CAESAR.

JOHN WILKES' FAVORITE ROLEWAS BRUTUS,

THE MAN THAT EXECUTESA TYRANT.

AND EDWIN BOOTH IS LIKE,I GET TO PLAY BRUTUS.

[trumpets sounding]

FOR ONE PERFORMANCE ONLY,

IN THE PRODUCTION OF JULIUS CAESAR,

EDWIN SAID, "SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS,"

AND EVERYONE LOVES IT.

CRITICS SAID THAT IT WAS

THE MOST IMPORTANT SHOWOF ALL TIME.

SO JOHN WILKES BOOTHSTARTED GETTING INVOLVED

WITH A SECRETCONFEDERATE SOCIETY

AND HAD MASTERMINDED A PLANTO KIDNAP LINCOLN.

UHH...

MM-MM.

MMM!THAT'S GOT A GOOD TASTE.

THAT'S--THAT'S A LOTTO DO A SHOT.

- YOU'RE INSANE!WHOO!

- YEAH, WE SHOULD'VEJUST SIPPED THAT.

- WHOO!

- READY?- OKAY, BUDDY.

ELVIS WRITES A LETTER TO NIXONWHILE ON THE PLANE.

THEY LAND, AND HE DROPS IT OFFAT THE FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

IT WAS SHOCKING.

NO CELEBRITIES WANTTO HANG OUT WITH NIXON.

SO WHEN HE REACHED OUT,THEY'RE LIKE,

ELVIS WANTS TO MEET WITH YOU.

THIS CAN'T HURT MATTERS.

DON'T YOU WANNA SEEWHAT ELVIS HAS TO SAY?

WHY NOT?

HE'S LIKE, YEAH, ARRANGE IT.YEAH, I WANNA MEET HIM.

LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.

AND ELVIS COMES IN.

AND NIXON LOOKS AT HIMLIKE, UH,

THIS IS CRAZY, MAN.YOU DRESS REALLY CRAZY, MAN.

HE'S LIKE, HEY,YOU HAVE YOUR GET-UP,

I HAVE MINE, OKAY?

NIXON'S LIKE,YEAH, I'M GLAD YOU CAME BY.

I WANTED TO MEET YOU,AND GOOD TO SEE YOU.

AND ELVIS DOESTHE HARD SELL THING.

HE NEEDS THE BADGE.

WELL, I CARE, MAN.

I CARE ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ONWITH THESE PEOPLE.

AND I CARE ABOUT THE HIPPIES,

AND EVERYTHING THAT'SBEING SAID RIGHT NOW, MAN.

IT'S TERRIFYING.

PEOPLE THAT ARE SAYINGTHINGS ABOUT YOU

AND, UH, THE PEOPLETHAT ARE SAYING THINGS ABOUT ME.

AND THAT'S WHY I'M HAPPYTO BE HERE...MAN.

BUT I NEED THIS BADGE.THIS IS SO BIG FOR ME.

I NEED IT.

AND NIXON REALLY TAKES IT IN,KINDA ASKS HIS AIDE.

HE'S LIKE, CAN WE DO THIS?

AND THE AIDE COMES BACK, SAYS,I'M SORRY, IT'S DONE.

WE CANNOT GIVE THIS BADGE.SORRY, MR. PRESLEY, WE CANNOT--

YOU HAVE NO QUALIFICATIONSIN OUR MIND TO HAVE THIS BADGE.

[burps]

MM.SORRY, BROTHER.

I'M LOVIN' IT.

AND NIXON DECIDESTO GIVE HIM THIS BADGE.

SO ELVIS GOES BACKTO GET PHOTOS TAKEN,

BUT THEN ELVIS IS

A LICENSED AND REGISTEREDFEDERAL NARCOTICS AGENT.

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