Master Dialectician

  • Season 2, Ep 1
  • 06/14/1999

The Upright Citizens Brigade brings baby fights to the suburbs, and a boxer is forced to go 10 rounds with a horse.

You're doing great, honey,you're doing great.

Push, come on,push-- one more.

Okay, one more,you hear that, honey?

Come on, honey,you can do it.Push.

Okay.(baby crying)

Congratulations,Mr. and Mrs. Graham,

you have a baby boy.Oh...

Oh!

What happened?

What is it?Where's the baby?

We've got a runner.What's a runner?

It's a newborn that'sdevelopmentally hyper-able.

What does that mean?

Basically, it meansyour baby can run.

Whoa!

Okay, get a call into security.

Tell them to get a tranquilizergun and a net, stat!

A what?A tranquilizer gun?

I've never heard of anythinglike this before.

Whoa!

Security's on their way.

Okay, let's keep him away fromthe walls and the instruments.

He's just a baby.How hard can it be to catch?

These babies have the legstrength of a young adult

coupled witha seven-pound body.

That allows them to go tospeeds of 40 miles an hour.

It's like trying to catcha cheetah in here.

Oh, my God.Whoa!Watch it!

Look, just be glad hewasn't born in Mexico.

Why?They race 'em in Mexico.

What?

You call about the runner?

There, there!Everybody clear!

Stop it, he's just a baby!

Mrs. Graham, that baby is likea gazelle on supercool.

Clear!Aah!

Get him!

(woman over P.A.) Attention all floors,

we have a runner in maternity.

Close that door!

Repeat, we have a runner in maternity.

Seal all floors.

Mr. Graham, I cameas soon as I heard.

I am Dr. Hernandez.

I have a cousin down inGuadalupe, he runs a racetrack.

All champion babies.

What are you talking about?Shh, shh, I'll say no more.

You have the card.No, wait!

(footsteps, thuds)

(Mrs. Graham)My baby!Oh...

My baby!

Where's the baby?

Mr. Graham.

Who are you?Michael Orback.

Head coach, University ofOregon, track and field program.

I want to talk to youabout a scholarship.

We're not interested!

They're thinking ofrunning him in Mexico.

No, we're not!Clear!

What do you figure,

20 times around the roomis a 440?

I don't know.Clear!

No!

Oh, God, what are you doing?

I don't know,I lost my head.

Gotta shoot in frontof the target, idiot.

Oh, my God!

Aah!

Okay, let's go,let's go, let's go!

Honey, I gotta go.What?

(woman over P.A.) Attention all personnel,

the runner has left the building.

Four years, universityeducation.

Wait!Somebody get me out of here!

Good afternoon,Mrs. Bruffle.

My name isDr. Ludwig Kingsman.

I am a grandmasterdialectician.

It is a pleasure to meet you,mademoiselle.

Oh... what a lovely Frenchdialect, Dr. Kingsman.

Please, come in.

My son Owen is in the dentalking to himself.

(southern accent)Well, come on down south, y'all

Y'all want some more possum?

Come on, y'all.

Don't make me whupy'all butt.

Very impressive.

Does he know any other hillbillydialects besides Appalachian?

Oh, yes.Just by watching TNN,

he's learned over 20southern dialects.

(switches southern dialects)Most kids I compete within dialects

can't even do more thanthree or four different

southern drawls, y'all.

Hello, Owen.

My name isDr. Ludwig Kingsman.

Dr. Kingsman isa grandmaster dialectician,

and he was a friendof your fathers.

(thick Irish accent)Top o' the morning to ya.

Kiss the blarney stone.

The drunk Irishman dialectrequires more throat right here.

Relax, Owen.

Dr. Kingsman just wantsto teach you

some more dialects.

I already have a teacher.Davy Chalk in the park.

I'm well awareof Davey Chalk.

He's a former studentof mine

who wasted his promise gettinghooked on the supercool.

Davey Chalk is a genius.

You can't trustthe dialects in the park.

They are not pure.Too many influences.

Forget this, mom.Let's go to the park.

You have obvious talent, Owen.

But I could teach you over50 varieties of gay lisp.

Sure, you can do the gaySan Francisco waiter

or the gay New York Cityart gallery owner,

but can you do a gay actuary?

A gay fish and game warden?

Did you know I can doa heroin addict

from any countryin the world?

No way.

I'm going upstairs.

Try me.

Lithuania.

(gravely voice)Give me a little, man.

I just need a taste.

Eskimo.

(high-pitched voice)Give me a little, man.

I just need a taste.

Awesome.

Are you really a grandmasterdialectician?

(Japanese accent)Owen-san, there are very few

grandmaster dialecticiansalive today.

It is a dying art.

"Grandmaster dialecticiandiploma,

certificateof grandmastery."

Wow.

It is a great honorto achieve.

But one must accruemany points first.

Hey there, neighbor.Welcome.

My name's Bonnie.Hi, I'm Karen.

We got tired of unpacking,

so we decided we'dcome out to the yard

and take a little nap.

Oh, moving in can bea real chore,

but this is a greatneighborhood.

There aren't any filthyastronauts living around here.

Oh, great.

So, does the little misslike to scrap?

What do you mean,exactly?

Well, in the neighborhood,all the kids her age

like to rassle aroundwith each other.

Well, she's only11 months old.

She's gonna have to learnhow to fight sometime,

or she's gonna get picked onher whole life.

Did I hear someone saythey're looking

for a sparring partner?

What?

Mrs. Rosco herehas a baby, Nora.

She's 11 months old.

Well, that's great.

My little Noah is onlynine months old,

so they're probablyin the same weight class.

There you go, sweetie.Now, go get her!

Come on.Show her what you're made of.

Oh, yeah, you got the scent.

All right!Fight, fight, fight!

20 bucks says the girlpins the wimp.

You're on.

Let's go!Fight!

Stop this nonsense.

There will be no fighting!

Relax, honey, they gottagrow up sometime.

(crowd cheering)

(brutal punches resonating)

Hit him in his--

Unh!

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