Spies

  • Season 3, Ep 4
  • 09/22/2015

Harriet Tubman goes undercover and helps the Union win the Civil War, Virginia Hall joins the French Resistance, and Roald Dahl closes his eyes and thinks of England.

- Lucius.

- Yes.

- Please grab that glass.

- What glass?

It's called balance.

Remember this?

Whatever.You can be as drunk as you want.

See? Look.You think that's gonna go down.

- Grab it.

- It's so not.No, no, no.

You think "grab it."No.

- It's making me--it's freaking me out.

- No. I know.Remember this?

- No. Why do you keep saying do I remember that?

- [laughs]

- Why the [bleep]would I remember that?

Do I remember my hands? Sure.

- My name is Lucius Dillon.

Today we're gonna talkabout Roald Dahl...

[blows raspberry]

And his life as a British spy.

World War II, Roald Dahl was a fighter pilot for the RAF,

the Royal Air Force.

And he loved fighting them Nazis,

and he's like, aww, this is great.

And so he had to go and fly to a base in the desert.

He ran out of gas, hit the ground at 75 miles an hour,

cracked his skull.

He had to drag himself out of the plane

before the gas tanks exploded.

So he was pretty much was, like,

invalided outof the Royal Air Force.

But then a famous author,C.S. Forester,

wanted to interview him about his crash.

Dahl was like, okay, you know what?

My mind's a little spotty.

Let me just write down some notes for you.

Forester's like, okay, send it to me later.

So Dahl sat down to kind of write it,

and his mind was kind of muddled

because he went through a crash.

But he wrote, like, a really good story,

sent it to Forester,

and Forester wrote back and was like,

okay, look, you were supposed to give me notes,

not write a full [bleep] story.

This--this is great.

This is amazing.

I'm not changing a word.

I'm sending this straightto "The Saturday Evening Post."

So that got sent, and it was actually really popular.

He realized, like, okay, I can tear a pretty good yarn,

or, I don't know if that's the right term, but--

[laughs]

I can write a pretty good story.

[sputtering and squeaking]

See? You got to tickle it.You got to know--

- Just keep going.

- He was the talk of the town,

and so he was invited to a lot of these parties.

And he met up with a really cool guy

called Bill Stephenson.

And Bill Stephenson's like, hey, what's going on with you?

And Dahl's just like, I want to help out England.

I didn't bust my nuff--

I didn't bust my nut enough in England.

And I still didn't do enough.

Stephenson was like, well, I-I--

there is other stuff you can do.

So Dahl was hired into a dark propaganda section

referred to as the BSC,

which stands for British Security Council.

And a lot of other people were hired:

Noel Coward, who was a famous playwright and actor,

and also Ian Fleming, who some people might know

as James [bleep] Bond.

And Stephenson was like,

let's put you into some good political parties,

and meet everyone you [bleep] can

and report everything back to us.

He was like, okay.

So here's Roald [bleep] Dahl,

tall, handsome [bleep],

long-ass face, eloquent-ass tongue.

But every time when he was at the party,

like, he'd be eavesdropping on newspaper people,

politicians and secretly just, like,

scribbling, you know, little things on, like, napkins

and reporting it to England.

He would also get into findinginformation through pillow talk.

So he had a list of ladies that he would go through,

like Cissy Pattersonhad her claws

into the"Washington Herald-Times,"

and she's like, you want to see the boudoir?

And he's like, yes please.

So he [bleep] the [bleep] out of her for a while

and got whatever information that he could.

Then he went to Evalyn McLean.

She knew every politician in the world,

so they [bleep] a lot.

So he met Claire Booth Luce.

She was a congresswoman,and they [bleep].

And he got so much informationthrough so much of his dick.

But after a while, and this is an exact quote,

like, he called Ambassador Halifax and was like,

look, I am [bleep] out, okay?

This goddamn woman has [bleep] me

from one end of the room to the other.

I'm done. I can't do it. I'm squirting dust.

And the ambassador's like,

just close your eyes and think of England.

And Dahl's like, great, okay. I guess I will.

- Get your chinoff my neck.

- I'm just--no, it's--

No, that wasn't--my chin wasn't on you at all.

- I feel like we'relaying on two Muppets.

- [laughs]

Yes.[coughs]

- Oh, Jesus.Is this your death scene?

If you die on the show,we're [bleep].

- I'm not puking enough.

- You don't need to puke.

[glasses clink]

[bleep],I got to drink this.

- No![groans]

- Ooh. How have you hadthis much of that?

- I've had sevenglasses of this.

Okay, so FDR is in his third term.

Britain was like, okay, he's getting old.

We are worried that he's gonna die,

because he's our biggest supporter right now.

You need to let us know

everything that's wrong with him.

And he's like, yeah, I'll be right over.

Uhh,

and now I'm here, right now.

And so, luckily, Eleanor Roosevelt is like,

hey, I'm a big fan of yours, so meet my husband.

And he's like, oh, yeah, nice to meet you, FDR.

Nice to meet you too, Roald Dahl.

And they have a lovely time.

They drink a lot.

So he took note of everything,

wrote it all in a 12-page document,

and it worked out very well until FDR died.

And then the war ended,

and Dahl's life as a spy was over.

He was like, [bleep], what can I do now?

He's like, well, I need to make a buck,

so let me just go for the easy money and just--

I'll just write some [bleep] children's novels.

That'll be great.

So he wrote "James and the Giant Peach,"

which was amazing.

And then in the same year,

he wrote "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,"

which, holy [bleep], was the best.

And he wrote "Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator,"

wrote "The Witches,"

wrote "The BFG,"

wrote "Fantastic Mr. Fox."

He's hands down, [bleep] Dr. Seuss,

the greatest children's author of all time.

And he was a [bleep] spy!

Literally, a [bleep] spy.

And because of his dick, England was a better place.

I enjoy jay-drinking.

I enjoy drinkingwith you.

- Jay-drinking?

- I enjoy day-drinking.

- And you're continuing.

- Wait. Give me that song again.

- Which one?

- Bitch called meabout a week ago.

- [laughs]

First of all, how do younot know this song?

- I can't hear.

- ♪ Bitch, caught a body'bout a week ago ♪

♪ [bleep] with usand then we tweakin', ho ♪

♪ Tweakin, ho

- ♪ Bitch called me'bout a week ago ♪

- No. It's--[laughs]

He's saying, "Bitch, I caughta body 'bout a week ago,"

meaning, "I killed somebodyabout a week ago."

- Oh, now, that'swhere I draw the line.

- [laughs]

Hi, my name is Crissle,

and today we're gonna talk

about the Civil War spyHarriet Tubman.

So Harriet Tubman does not get her just due.

Like, you hear her name, and you think,

she led the slaves to freedom.

But you most certainly do not know

that she was a spyfor the Union.

So the thing was, when the Civil War started,

Harriet Tubman was like, wait a minute.

I can do way more.

So she went down there to Port Royal,

which is in South Carolina,

and the Union had, like, taken it over.

But it was still com--

It was still, like--

like, not smothered and covered.

That's [bleep]like biscuits.

It was--it was surroundedby Confederacy,

like, places and [bleep].

And at first, she's just like a regular-ass person.

She was a nurse.

And that's when she was like,

I know can do better than this.

Like, I know can free way more slaves

than what you guys are doing right now.

And that's when she went to the colonel and was like,

I could totally be a spy for you.

I have connects, and, like,

when I dress up and [bleep],

those people have no idea who I am.

And the colonel was like...

[belches] Excuse me.

I got, like,a good 15 minutes left in me

before the liquor takes over,

and God only knowswhat I'll say.

- That's great.

- [laughs]

And so then the colonel was like, yeah,

obviously my white ass can't go down there.

Absolutely, you can be a spy.

You down there, do what the [bleep] you do.

So she's like, okay, let me put on my field hand clothes.

And she was, like, five feet tall,

so it was very easy for her to, like,

blend into the background.

And she is able to, like,go to the plantations,

and she was like, hey, guys, like,

not to stir up any [bleep] or whatever,

but, like, I know y'all are tired of being slaves.

I was totally tired of being a slave.

And none of us have to be slaves anymore, so, like,

whoever's down to help the Union, just let me know.

So everybody was like, cool.

And then she would go out--

she had these friends who were mariners,

which are basically just, like,people who work in the water--

like, with water [bleep].

And she's like, I know there are mines out here,

so let's work together and find out where this [bleep] is,

because I'm a spy,

and I'm gonna get this [bleep].

Like, I'm gonna burn this [bleep] down.

And so then she went back tothe colonel, and she was like,

I have this idea to burn up all the plantations.

Here's all my research,

and you should just let me do it.

And the colonel was like, well, [bleep] it.

Like, I don't have [bleep] to lose.

Like, let's work together and burn that [bleep] down.

And so they got together, and she was like,

listen, this is about to be--

like, I'm not even about to [bleep] you.

This is about to be some [bleep].

Like, this is about to be, like, a real stealth operation.

You [bleep] have never seen no [bleep] like this before.

Like, I got some dope-ass [bleep] planned out.

But I need y'all to all be down

and just do what the [bleep] I say.

I got this [bleep].

- Where does our storytake place?

- It takes placeall over the place.

But the story startsin Baltimore.

Are you from Baltimore?

- Bal'more.

- Bal'more.

- Yeah.- Okay.

Hello, I'm Claudia O'Doherty,

and today we are gonna betalking about Virginia Hall,

who was a very good spy.

So in 1906, in Baltimore, Virginia Hall was born.

And she's like, I love Europe.

Maybe I should get a job for the Foreign Service.

I'm very qualified for that kind of thing

'cause I'm so smart and good at languages.

And then she takes the entrance exam for the Foreign Service,

but she fails because it's a very hard exam.

She was very sad.

When she got the results, she was like, oh, man.

But she said, you know what?

I need to blow off some steam.

And then she decided to go to Europe.

And she's having a good time.

When she was in Turkey in 1933, though, she was like,

hey, friends, let's go on a hunting trip.

And they're just having a very good time

shooting all the animals.

And then she's like, I'll just climb over this wall--

or a fence.

I'll just climb over this fence.

And she's climbing over, her legs get caught,

and she shot her left foot off.

Ow.

- Ahh.- Mm-hmm.

And she gets fitted with a custom prosthetic leg.

And she called her leg Cuthbert.

- Cuff bit? - Cuthbert.

- Cuthbert.

- That's what she calls it.

And then what happens?World War II.

And she's like, hmm, huh, not cool.

But anyway, I know what I'll do.

I'll sign up to be an ambulance driver

for the ambulance corps.

That's a very dangerous job in Paris in 1939,

and she is like, I don't even care.

So then she goes to London.

She goes to a dinner party,

and the dinner party's in a bomb shelter

during an air raid.

So she's having a good time at the dinner party,

and she meets this woman named Vera Atkins,

who is like, ooh, this woman could be of use to us.

So she says to Virginia, by the way,

I work for SOE: Secret Operations Executive.

It's a British spy gang.

And she brings in this big, handsome French guy,

and he says, would you like to be a spy for us?

And Virginia is like, yes, that would be incredible.

So she goes back to France, and she assumes a new identity.

And she's just, like, a really nice journalist.

But actually, she's organizing the French Resistance.

So she's supplying weapons,

supplying money, organizing guys.

She's also organizing escapes from prison camps.

She is just causing such trouble for the Germans.

And they're hearing rumorsabout this woman

who was organizingthe French Resistance.

And they didn't knowwho she was,

but they knewthat she had a limp,

which was embarrassingfor Virginia,

'cause she didn't thinkshe did have a limp,

so that's a very sad partof the story, right?

And the head of the Gestapo is Klaus Barbie,

who's also known as the Butcher of Lyon.

And he's like, what I wouldn't give

to get my hands on the neck of that bitch.

- You said bitch.

- Yeah, but he was a bad guy,so he used terrible language.