Get Her a Glass of Water

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 03/29/2016

Nikki presents a PSA for guys who have one-night stands and plays "What's Your Number?" with guests Kyle Kinane and Kristen Schaal.

- Now we've all had a wide range of sexual experiences,

moments we're proud of,boners we've grown from.

It's time we thanked the people who made us

the sexual beings we are today

by giving them some sexual shout outs.

- Alright, I'd like to give a shout out to pipe dreams

because last time I gave a shoutout to pipe dreams

they sent me a box of dildos.

Keep 'em coming pipe dreams, I need more dildos.

(audience applause)

- Shout out to my gay buddy Terry for the one time

that he held my balls cause I thought I had a hernia

and we were both getting something out of the situation, so.

(audience applause) Thanks, man.

- Shout out to my little sisterLauren for taking me aside

in high school and telling me that my eyebrows

were problematic and demanding that I fix 'em.

It's the only reason I ever got a date

or was allowed to put my face on TV.

Thanks, sis. I owe you one.

Shout out to my friends Kristen Schall

and Kyle Kinae for being here.

(audience applause) (jazzy dance music)

- Every night in this country around three a.m.

women find themselves inbedrooms after one-night stands

completely dehydrated.

Hyrdration.

Unsure of whether you have a Britta,

they wonder how long it will take for you to notice.

- [Nikki] Get her a glass of water.

- So until then they stare at that Dos Equis poster

deep into the eyes of

the Most Interesting Man In the World.

Stay thirsty.

They will.

Get her a glass of water.

Get her a glass of water.

They leave your apartment feeling parched and weak

desperately searching for a 7-11

or hoping to catch one of those Uber drivers

that has those tiny bottles of water in the back seat.

- [Nikki] Massoud getsfive stars, five stars.

[All] Get her a glass of water.

- [Nikki] You bought her well vodka.

- Two for one.

Get her a glass of water.

[All] Get her a glass of water.

Get her a glass.

Not one of those plastic ones you have

from your college pizza place that you use as an ashtray.

A glass is made of glass.

You refer to her boobs as 'dem titties',

'dem sweet fat natties'.

- [Nikki] Show some respect.

- [All] Get her a glass of water.

Seriously, she just fucked you.

Like, get her a glass of water.

Is that so much to ask?

Like, does this really need this whole thing?

And how come you don't have toilet paper?

I had to use the cardboard roll.

It's bullshit, okay?

Bullshit. It's bullshit.

Or just go get yourselfsome water, girls.

You deserve it.

Don't even ask, lean in.

Whatever.

- [Nikki] Get her aglass of fucking water.

- Oh, what is that?

- Pool boy here, I'm hereto clean your filter.

- Oh no, my filter is so dirty.

- I heard there's a dead possumin it.

- Are we talking about my pussy?

- Yeah, that's what we'retalking about.

- I hope you taste like paprika.

That's a rapper I blew once.

I want to make you moan

like a ghost with unfinishedbusiness.

- (moans) Isn't that all ghosts?

Think I might get laid afterthis.

- (clears throat) I have anitch in the back of my throat.

- Well that's good cuz I gottalozenge

jammed in the end of my crank.

k Oh, Ricola k

- Oh, let's make a baby. Psych.

Ya. Ya. Ya

Ya, ya, ya.

Ya, ya, ya, yo, ya.

(moans and shouts)

Sorry, lies truck.

Cecil, the lion had it coming.

He deserved what he got.

- Spoiler alert, I'm gonna jizz.

Oh boy, here we go,this is a hot business.

(moans) Orgasm!

Orgasm.

So much orgasm. So much.

Hillary, 2016.

(techno music)

(soft electronic music)

- Welcome back.

So last week the New York Times published

an editorial that said60% of college students

have used porn as an instruction manual,

which means that 60% of students think

the best pickup line is, uh which one of you is Debra?

Kristen are you part of the 60%?

- I love porn.

(laughing loudly)

I do, I love porn.

- Did you watch porn to like learn what to do during sex?

- Oh, no, no, no,

I watch porn to like juice up for sex.

(laughing loudly)

Those are professionals, hence.

- So funny, I'm gonna start saying that.

- But no, I don't use it for tips,

'cause it's, I mean they're like machines.

- Yeah, it's unrealistic,

but I didn't know what sex was like

and that was the only thing that I saw to turn to.

So I definitely went to porn.

- That's really scary, 'cause girls are gonna grow up

being sort of turned onby men without faces.

(laughing loudly)

You never see their face, just their.

And they're likeall about, like.

Right?

- Nobody wants to see dudes' fuck faces anyway.

They're just not good just like,

it's not good to look at.

Sometimes there'll be a mirror and I'll be like ah!

- [Nikki] But you know what?

- Like Phantom of the Opera, like nah.

- It's true, but, I think that would've been nice to see

for me when I was first looking at porn,

because when I was inperson, when I saw a guy

cum for the first time,it was very scary.

I didn't know a guy wasjust gonna be like, ah!

Turn into like a, I didn't know.

I just remember being like, I don't wanna see him like this.

- It locks up, it's likea dog taking a dump,

it's like, nope this is it, this is it.

- That's what I'm saying,

it would have been nice to know.

- You can look right atme, it doesn't matter,

I'm doin' this!

I don't like it whenthey hold on a guys face

too much during porn.

From here, just like,

and I'm like oh, I just--

- Punishing you.

- Wait, you're mad about that because

I had to spend at least two minutes

watching him get a blow job.

That's what I'm tired of.

- [Nikki] Yes.

- [Kyle] You can scroll, though.

- And I do and you can scroll as well.

- [Nikki] Yes.

- No my hands are busy I'm talking about in the--

- Both hands?

- In the moment.

- Both hands are busy?

- But that's like a rubbing your belly,

patting your head thingif you're trying to.

- Oh right.

- I'm not a DJ.

(laughing loudly)

- There's that flippy switch in the middle

and then over here, andthen fix a headphone

and flip it in the middle.

- He's not a DJ.

- That was me having sex.

(laughing loudly)

- Oh, you know all the moves.

- I can't hear you.

(laughing loudly)

- You're getting turned on.

- I just remember seeingporn at a young age

and thinking I don't wanna do that.

I've never, I'm not ready to choke to death yet.

I have so much to live for.

- Yeah, one of the things that I learned

from watching porn is that the body,

the female body is capable of getting double penetrated

in the vagina and also in the anus at the same time.

- Wait, so four.

- No, two penises in two holes.

- Oh, I thought you meant they got double penetrated

in both holes at the same time.

- Woah!

- Somebody's tried.

- Somebody's done that.

- It's been done.

- It's been done, and I also learned that

no matter how good the porn star is

they do not enjoy it.

They're always like, give it me, give it to me

and they're like yeah.

- Yes.

- I dare a porn star out there,

please show me that you love it.

'Cause you are not convincing me, ever.

They're like getting it and they're like, oh yeah.

You know, like, you can hear it,

there's this sexy smilebut it's a grimace.

- [Nikki] Yeah.

- Then there's like anger if one slips out, we're like,

get in here, you're like, we gotta get this done.

Like I only havea minute of this

before something's gonna break inside.

- And then, if they show it close it just looks like

the arthroscopic surgery of like an aorta opening up.

- Oh my god!

- Like it doesn't look like sex,

it just looks like amushy engine, you know?

(laughing loudly)

- A mushy engine?

- [Kyle] Yeah.

- Have you learned anything from watching porn, Kyle?

- I've learned that I watch too much,

'cause sometimes I'll notice

the same couch in different porn.

(crowd applauds)

Like you're not even trying to convince me

that this is the doctor's office

when clearly this was used for the office scene

in the other one.

- Oh my god, I like thatyou're paying attention

to the other details.

- Yeah, I mean I just try to find out about it, you know.

- [Nikki] Yeah.

- Get into the setting, the lighting and everything.

- You're not a pervert, you have an artistic eye.

- Listen, we're in show business, these things all apply,

whether it be pornography or your non-sexual films.

- Oh, like, films.

(laughing loudly)

- We call them movies that don't got the fuckin' in 'em.

- Movies.

- Oh, yeah, movies.

- Movies.

- I seen a few of those.

- So Kyle, you ready to get started?

- I say we give it a swing and see what happens.

- Okay, let's jump right in.

Oh what is that?

- Oh what is that?

- Pool boy here.

I'm here to clean your filter.

- Pool boy here.

I'm here to clean your filter.

- Oh no, my filter's so dirty.

- Oh no, my filter's so dirty.

- [Kyle] I heard there'sa dead possum in it.

- I heard there is a dead possum in it.

- Wait, are we talking about my pussy?

- Are we talking about my pussy?

- Yeah yeah yeah that's what we're talking about.

- Yeah, that's what we're talking about.

- [Nikki] I hope you taste like Paprika.

- I hope you taste like Paprika.

- That's a rapper I blew once.

- That's a rapper I blew once.

- I wanna make you moan

like a ghost with unfinished business.

- I wanna make you moan like a

ghost with unfinished business.

- Isn't that all ghosts?

- Oh, isn't that all ghosts?

- Jake, could you look in the camera

wink, and say.

- I think I might get laid after this.

- That was fantastic.

- I have an itch in the back of my throat.

- I have an itch in the back of my throat.

- That's good because I've got a lozenge.

- Jammed in the end of my crank.

- And just yell Ricola.

- Ricola!

(laughing)

- Thank you.

- Let's make a baby.

- Let's make a baby.

- Psych.

- Psych.

- I don't understand what it would be like

to like wield that body.

- I can't allow myself to process that

in a professional context.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

- Yeah yeah yeah.

- Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

- Yes yes yes!

- Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo.

- Woo woo woo woo.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh yeah.

Oh ah.

- Oh ah.

- Oh ah oh.

- Sorry, slight stroke.

- Sorry,

light stroke.

- She is so hot.

I bet she could say like the most

terrible shit and it would still be hot.

She could get away with anything.

- Okay, put it to the test.

- Cecil the Lion had it coming.

- Cecil the Lion

had it coming.

He deserved what he got.

- [Nikki] That was amazing.

- How's your junk doing Jake?

- This is like Apollo 13.

- Spoiler alert, I'm gonna jizz.

- Spoiler alert, I'm gonna jizz.

- Oh boy here we go.

- Oh boy here we go.

- This is the hot business.

- This is the hot business.

- And just yell orgasm

when you orgasm.

- Orgasm.

(Jake grunting)

Oh oh my god.

- [Kyle] So much orgasm.

- So much orgasm.

- Luna, into thecamera just say,

"Hillary 2016."

- Hillary 2016.

- Yes!

(laughing)

Yes.

She is awesome.

- That just won voters.

- We're gonna win. - [Kyle] That was awesome.

- She's gonna win.

(upbeat music)