Jews on a Plane

  • Season 3, Ep 10
  • 04/20/2016

The girls are forced to improvise when Abbi gets her period on a plane and doesn't have access to a tampon.

Someone on this plane hasgot to have a tampon.

Yeah, you're right.

Let's do this.Okay.

Do you guyshave a tampon?

Absorbency...

Um, excuse me.

Do you by any chancehave a tampon?

Oh, my goodness, no.

I'm flatteredyou asked,

even though many women my agedo experience spotting.

Oh!

I totally forgotabout menopause.

Menopause isn't representedin mainstream media.

Like, no one wantsto talk about it.

(Ilana)Hey! Hey, buddy.

Could I getthat pita?

This pita?

That's almost in my mouth?Yeah.

My friend just got her periodand she doesn't have any tampons

and it's first-day flow.

Really heavy, and herunderpants are filling and--

Just take it.Thank you.

I do have one.

Hold on, let me get myLongchamp.

Oh, yes!

♪ Banging 'tilthe bells stop ringing ♪

Can you pleasereturn to your seat?

Again.

Yes, sorry.

I was just, um,gathering materials.

Okay.Thank you.

(sighing)

(laughing)

You're kidding, right?

What do you mean?

Oh, you're serious?

I thought thatthese, were, like,

a joke thatall women shared.

I guess I'm justthe monster

with a humongousvagina over here.

(bleep) you, Lindsay.

You have weedin your pussy?

(sighing)

You got me.

How did youput it in there?

You take clear solid nugs andyou pack them into a condom.

Tie the condom off,

you pull the rest of it overfor a second bagging,

then you get another condomover that, third bagging.

I lean back and I havemy roommate put it in.

That's a good roommate.

He's my secondbest friend.

I meant, like, it's the bomb,like, it's dope.

Dope?What is dope?

Dope, like,it's an awesome bag.

So your bag is the bomband it's awesome.

No, no, no, I'm not, like,talking about an awesome bomb.

There are no bombsthat are awesome.

Your friend said thather bag was the bomb.

The bag is fine.

It's fine.

Google "Refinery 29,"in quotes, "Drew Barrymore"--

What does this mean?

What is in--What is this?

In quotes,quotations!

It's like, down herein the keys.

I don't knowwhat letters they're on.

Fuck!

How much weed?About a pound.

How much is itin kilo?

I don't understandthe question.

We don't usepounds in Israel.

I have a fetus of weedin my pussy.

Tell me moreabout your bag.

It's actually made ofscuba gear on the inside

so you can pack more.

Is it hard top?No, it's soft top.

What color is it?Well, mine's green,

which isn't really like me,but when you're waiting--

I don't like green.

No.I hate green.

Okay, I lied.

It was half a pound.

I wanted to...impress you.

And it's up there now?

Kegels, babe.

The wheels areskateboard wheels.

How cool is that?

So what kind of weedyou have, uh, up there?

Gray Lady,

Willie Meltdown,OG Kush,

California Dreamin',Pineapple Chunks,

Missoula Spice,Oh High Blaze.

And I also got, like,some Smokey the Bear crumbs.

Is it too, like,effeminate for me?

No, I think it's actually,like, a masculine bag.

I feel like it'spulling out that side of me.

And I also got, like, GoldenGrahams and some Blue Dream.

California Casignonand some Purp Haze.

Purple Haze?Yeah.

I did Lemon Haze before.

Ooh, girl!

Even if you pack, like,a lot in it, there's, like,

a weight distribution so it,like, doesn't feel that heavy.

When you walk around,does it make you...

Oh, yeah,I love it.

They have black?They have black.

How much is it?It's $150.

$150.Yeah.

That's a good deal.

What else is up there?

What do you...want to be up there?

I am actually Jewish.

I call myselfa challah and bagel Jew.

Are you married? I don't see a--No, I'm not.

Okay, cool.I'm not, either.

Do you want to guesswhat I have in my pussy?

Is there somethinggood up there?

This is fun.

Explain it again.

My friend was justtrying to get me a tampon.

Your stories areinconsistent.

So we wake up in Wantagh,New Jersey.

Abbi's puking onthe side of the road.

No cabs anywhere.

This is our second date,mind you.

She wouldn't call ita date, but, uh...

(laughing)We scheme.

We do scheme.

Your partner hasn'tmentioned a tampon once.

Sir, your guessis as good as mine.

(Israeli soldier)You're on Birthmarc,

yet your friend sang a Christiansong to create a diversion.

Is she even Jewish?

Honestly, your guessis as good as mine.

Why did you move seatsto sit next to a dead man?

That's suspicious.

What?No, no.

He-- He was sleeping.

You--

Oh, my God.

The dead guy?

Yeah, fully dead.

Nobody wanted the seats

and we had to sit next to eachother, obviously, so...

Yeah, it didn'tbother me at all.

You said your bagwas the bomb.

It is,my bag is the bom--

Okay, Google "Refinery 29,"

in quotes, "Drew Barrymore,"in quotes.

It's a life-changing bag,

You were asking passengersfor very strange instruments.

Twine,someone's shoelaces,

heavy duty scissors.

To make a tampon.

What, do you think I wasmaking a (bleep) bomb?

Yeah!

You're here for suspicionof terrorist activity.

Terrorism? I thought this wasabout the weed in my pussy.

What?