PopCopy & Clayton Bigsby

♪ DAVE ♪

♪ DAVE ♪

♪ DAVE CHAPPELLE'SA FUNNY GUY... ♪

( tires screeching )

WHAT THE FUCKARE YOU DOING ?!

YOU GOTTAGET OUTTA MY CAR.

I'M SERIOUS !

( tires squealing )

THAT CRAZY DANCIN'MAKIN' MY PENIS SOFT.

( audience laughing )

( hip-hop music )

NOW, THAT IS WHATI CALL DANCIN' !

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE GIRL

THAT WAS SITTIN' IN THEREBEFORE YOU, WHOO !

OH, SNAP,THERE SHE GO RIGHT THERE !

UGH !

OH, I'M GETTIN' READYTO CRASH, GIRL, HOLD UP.

WHOO !

( announcer )LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

DAVE CHAPPELLE !

( cheers & applause )

YES.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

OH, MAN, NO.

WELCOME TO THIS THING THATWE CALL CHAPPELLE'S SHOW.

THIS IS THE VERY FIRST EPISODE,I FINALLY GOT MY OWN SHOW.

AND, I MEAN,I'M SERIOUS.

WHEN I SAY THIS IS MY SHOW,THIS IS MY SHOW.

I CAN SHOW Y'ALLWHATEVER I WANT.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'LL SHOWYOU A LITTLE BLEEPER-- BLOOPER.

IT'S A BLEEPEROF A BLOOPER, THOUGH.

HERE, SHOW THAT LAST MITSUBISHICLIP REAL QUICK.

( hip-hop music )

( laughter and applause )

WHOO !

OH !

YOU GOTTA SEE THAT AGAININ SLOW MOTION.

LOOK AT MY FACE WHENI SEE HER TITTY POP OUT.

PLAY IT AGAIN,PLAY IT AGAIN !

( laughter and applause )

YOU KNOW THE WORSTPART ABOUT THAT ?

I FELT GUILTY,LIKE I DID THAT WITH MY MIND.

'CAUSE THE WHOLE TIMESHE WAS DANCIN',

I WAS LIKE, "COME ON, TITTY,COME ON, TITTY !"

WELL, THIS IS IT,THIS IS THE FIRST EPISODE.

"POPCOPY" EMPLOYEETRAINING FILM

WITH YOUR HOST,RALPH HENDERSON.

HELLO,I'M RALPH HENDERSON.

AND IF YOU'RE WATCHINGTHIS VIDEO,

THAT MEANS YOU'VEJUST BEEN HIRED TO WORK HERE

AT "POPULAR COPY".

ME AND MY FRIENDS AREGONNA SHOW YOU THE BASICS

OF WHAT IT'S LIKETO WORK HERE.

YOU GUYS READY ?

YEAH !YEAH !

GREAT.

FIRST OF ALL,NEVER SHOW UP ON TIME,

AND IF A SUPERVISOR HAPPENSTO ASK YOU WHERE YOU WERE,

YOUR RESPONSE SHOULDSOUND SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

MANUEL,WHY WERE YOU LATE ?

MAN, I GOT HEREWHEN I COULD !

SHIT, YOU'RE NOTMY FUCKING MOMS !

( chuckles )

PERFECT !

OCCASIONALLY,YOU MAY GET SNAGGED

BY ONE OF THESECUSTOMER PEOPLE.

JUST REMEMBER, YOUR JOBIS TO FRUSTRATE THEM

AND MAKE THEM FEEL UNWANTED.

IF YOU CAN,WRAP UP A STORY

THAT WILL MAKE THEM FEELUNCOMFORTABLE.

FOR INSTANCE...

YOU UNDERSTAND WHATI'M SAYING, RIGHT ?

I MEAN, YOU KNOWMY REPUTATION.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK,

I'LL GO TO RIKERSFOR THREE OR FOUR YEARS

JUST TO PROVE MY POINT,I DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT.

CAN I HELP YOU ?

OR...

HELL, YEAH, I SUCK TOES !

GOOD AFTERNOON,WELCOME TO "POPCOPY",

CAN I HELP YOU ?

OR...

( man )WHAT'S WRONG ?

MY BUTT IS ITCHIN' LIKE CRAZY,AND I TOOK A SHOWER.

CAN I HELP YOU ?

IF A CUSTOMERHAS A COMPUTER DISK,

THEN LOOK AT IT AND TELL THEMIT'S THE WRONG FORMAT.

IF THEY USE APPLE,TELL THEM WE'RE P.C.

IF THEY USE P.C., TELL THEMWE'RE APPLE.

AND IF THEY GOT BOTH,THEN TELL THEM WE USE LINUX.

AND IF THEY GOT THAT, TELL THEMTHE COMPUTERS ARE DOWN.

THEY SHOULD BE, ANYHOW.

YOU SEE, THE WHOLE SYSTEMACTUALLY WENT DOWN.

IT'S GONNA BE SHUT DOWNFOR A COUPLE HOURS.

HOURS ?

IT HAPPENS.

THE WHOLE SYSTEM ?

BUT THIS IS A BIG PLACE,HOW CAN--

LISTEN, SISTER,I GOTTA GO TAKE A SHIT.

I DON'T BELIEVEHE SAID THAT !

SHOULD A CUSTOMER GET ALL UPPITYAND ASK TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER,

THEN TELL THEM,"GUESS WHAT ?

I AM THE MANAGER."

I WANNA SEE THE MANAGER.

NO, SEE,I AM THE MANAGER.

YOU ARE THE MANAGER ?

THAT'S RIGHT,MY FRIEND.

I'M THE ONLY MANAGER HERE.

UNLESS YOU WANT TO TALKTO THE "POPCOPY" PRESIDENT

AND I DON'T KNOW HIM, YOU MIGHTCOULD HELP ME OUT WITH THAT.

I MEAN, REALLY GETIN THEIR FACE ABOUT IT.

I WANNA SEEYOUR MANAGER !

GUESS WHAT, NIGGA ?

I AM YOUR MANAGER,WHAT'S UP ?

YOU'RE THE MANAGER ?!

THAT'S RIGHT,HOW MAY I HELP YOU ?

YOU DONE, THAT'S IT.

YOUR JOB IS DONE, NIGGA,GET OUT !

I'LL SEE YOU LATER--

WHAT ARE YOUTALKING ABOUT ?!

Y'KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLEASK, "WHY ?"

"WHY TREATTHE CUSTOMER THIS WAY ?"

WHY ?

'CAUSE FUCK 'EM,THAT'S WHY.

BATHROOM UPKEEP IS IMPORTANTTO US HERE AT "POPCOPY".

BE SURE TO SPRAY CHOCOLATE SAUCEON THE WALL NEAR THE TOILET

TO GIVE THE APPEARANCEOF ERRANT FECES.

THIS WILL ENSURE THAT ANYCUSTOMER WHO USES OUR RESTROOM

WILL NEVER, EVER RETURNTO ONE OF OUR STORES.

WE ASK THAT YOU SIGN A SHEETTO VERIFY THIS GETS DONE

ONCE AN HOUR,24 TIMES A DAY.

UH-OH, TONY,YOU MISSED A SPOT.

WHOA...

NOW THAT LOOKS POOPY.

I HOPE YOU FOUNDTHIS TAPE INFORMATIVE.

AND SHOULD YOU EVERDOUBT YOURSELF

AND CONSIDER TREATINGA CUSTOMER WITH RESPECT,

JUST REMEMBER THIS:

YOU GRADUATED FROMGRADE SCHOOL,

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TOTAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE.

WELCOME TO THE "POPCOPY" FAMILY,AND CONGRATULATIONS.

WHOOP HIS ASS,WHOOP HIS ASS !

WHOOP HISASS !

♪ "POPCOPY" ♪♪

♪ WAS FOR CERTAINPOOR SHEPHERDS ♪

♪ IN FIELDS AS THEY LAY ♪

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING,ANOTHER YEAR.

AND TO YOU AND YOURS,A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THAT'S AN EXCELLENT YEAR.

AND AS FOR YOU,MY DEAR...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS,YOU TRIFLIN' BITCH !

OH, YEAH, TAKE THAT, GIRL.

♪ RUB IT IN YOUR BREASTSAND ON YOUR VAGINA ♪

♪ YES, YES, I AM HORNY,THAT'S SEXY T.V... ♪♪

KING COLE RECORDSCOMIN' AT YOU.

WE SIP ONLY THE BEST DOM P.,BECAUSE I'M SMOOTH LIKE THAT.

PEACE, YOU PUNK BITCHES.

COME BACK NEXT YEAR WHEN I PUTSA LITTLE EGGNOG IN YOUR FACE.

( cheers & applause )

YOU WERE AFRAID I WAS GONNA ENDUP LOOKING LIKE MY MOTHER.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT !YES, YOU DID !

NO, THAT'S NOTWHAT I SAID !

TIRED OF THISHAPPENING TO YOU ?

ARE YOU SICK OF YOURFRIENDS AND FAMILY

GETTING EVERYTHINGYOU SAY ALL MIXED UP ?

WELL, HELP HAS ARRIVED.

DON'T CALL ME A LIAR.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT !

OH, NO ?NO !

READ BACKFIVE MINUTES AGO.

JANICE: "WHAT ARE YOUSAYING, BRIAN ?"

BRIAN: "I AM AFRAID,I JUST FEEL LIKE SOMEDAY

YOU MIGHT LOOK LIKEYOUR MOM, MAYBE."

SHOULD I READ MORE ?

OH, NO, THAT'S FINE,THANK YOU.

IN YOUR FACE.

I'M GONNA GO MASTURBATE,HOME STENOGRAPHER.

WANNA WRITE THAT DOWN ?

THE HOME STENOGRAPHER.

NOW, FOR A SMALL, ONE-TIME FEEPLUS MINOR UPKEEP,

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR VERY OWNPERMANENT RECORD KEEPER,

RIGHT IN YOUR HOUSE.

WITH THE HOME STENOGRAPHER,

YOU'LL TURN ANY ROOMINTO A COURTROOM.

READ BACK WHEN THAT BABYSITTERTOLD THE KIDS TO GO TO BED.

YOUNG WOMAN: "ALL RIGHTYOU LITTLE BRATS,

"GO TO SLEEP,MY BOYFRIEND'S HERE,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE USA SEX SESSION."

KIDS: "WE DON'TWANT TO GO TO BED."

YOUNG WOMAN: "WELL, YOU CANWATCH IF YOU WANT,

JUST KEEP IT DOWN."

TO THE BOYFRIEND:"DROP YOUR PANTS, BIG MAN."

WELL, SHE'SNEVER COMING BACK.

THANKS, HOME STENOGRAPHER.

DUDE, NO MATTERHOW DRUNK I WAS,

WHY WOULD I SAY THAT I WOULDMAKE OUT WITH MATT DAMON ?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN,YOU SAID IT, THOUGH.

THERE'S NO WAY.

READ IT BACK TO HIM.

AND NOW, FOR THOSE ON THE GO,THE TRAVEL STENOGRAPHER.

BACKPACK SOLD SEPARATELY.

"I GUESS, IF IT CAME DOWN TO IT,I WOULD BANG BEN AFFLECK."

OH, MY GOD !

I KNEW IT WASONE OF THOSE DUDES.

YOU ARE SO GAY NOW !

STUPID DWARF !

TOTALLY GAY, 100%.

HOME STENOGRAPHERAND TRAVEL STENOGRAPHER,

AVAILABLE IN STORES, NOW.

( announcer )AVAILABLE IN ALL WALBOGS !

( man )♪ CHAPPELLE'S SHOW,OWW ! ♪

FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS,

A MAN NAMED CLAYTON BIGSBYHAS BEEN THE LEADING VOICE

OF THE WHITE-SUPREMACISTMOVEMENT IN AMERICA.

THOUGH NOT SOLDIN ANY MAJOR BOOKSTORES,

HIS BOOKS "DUMP TRUCK","NIGGER STAIN",

"I SMELL NIGGER"AND "NIGGER BOOK"

HAVE SOLD OVER 600,000 COPIESCOMBINED.

DESPITE HIS POPULARITY,

VERY FEW HAVE EVER SEEN HIMDUE TO HIS RECLUSIVENESS.

BUT IN AN EFFORT TO BRINGHIS MESSAGE TO A WIDER AUDIENCE,

HE AGREED TO GIVE HIS FIRSTPUBLIC INTERVIEW EVER...

TO "FRONTLINE".

BUT, GETTING TO MR. BIGSBYWAS AN ODYSSEY IN ITSELF,

RIDDLED WITHBACK-COUNTRY HOLLOWS,

SHIFTY GO-BETWEENSAND PALPABLE DANGER.

EXCUSE ME.

NOT SURE WE'RE INTHE RIGHT PLACE.

WE'RE LOOKINGFOR CLAYTON BIGSBY.

WELL, LOOK NO FURTHER, FELLA,YOU FOUND HIM.

UH, CLAYTON BIGSBY,THE AUTHOR ?

WHAT, YOU DON'T THINKI CAN WRITE THEM BOOKS ?

JUST 'CAUSE I'M BLINDDON'T MEAN I'M DUMB.

( host )HOW COULD THISHAVE HAPPENED ?

A BLACKWHITE SUPREMACIST ?

OUR SEARCH FOR ANSWERSLED US HERE,

TO THE "WEXLERHOME FOR THE BLIND",

WHERE MR. BIGSBY SPENT THE FIRST19 YEARS OF HIS LIFE.

BRIDGETT WEXLERIS THE HOME'S HEADMISTRESS.

WELL, HE WAS THE ONLY NIGRAWE'D EVER HAD AROUND HERE,

SO WE FIGURED WE'D MAKE ITEASIER ON CLAYTON

BY JUST TELLING HIMAND ALL THE OTHER BLIND KIDS

THAT HE WAS WHITE.

AND HE NEVERQUESTIONED IT ?

WHY WOULD HE ?

YOU'VE WRITTENFOUR BOOKS NOW ?

I'VE WRITTEN SIX BOOKS,THEY'VE PUBLISHED FOUR.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY

IS THE OVERALL MESSAGEOF YOUR BOOKS ?

SIR, MY MESSAGE IS SIMPLE.

NIGGERS, JEWS, HOMOSEXUALS,MEXICANS, ARABS,

AND ALL KINDS OFDIFFERENT CHINKS STINK,

AND I HATE THEM !

I NOTICED YOU REFERRED TO N--AFRICAN-AMERICANS.

WHAT EXACTLYIS YOUR PROBLEM ?

HOW MUCH TIMEYOU GOT, BUDDY ?

WHERE WOULD I START ?

WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

THEY'RE LAZY,GOOD-FOR-NOTHING TRICKSTERS,

CRACK-SMOKING SWINDLERS,BIG-BUTT HAVIN',

WIDE NOSE BREATHIN'ALL THE WHITE MAN'S AIR.

THEY EAT UP ALL THE CHICKEN,

THEY THINK THEY'RETHE BEST DANCERS,

AND THEY STINK !

DID I MENTIONTHAT BEFORE ?

YES, I BELIEVE YOU DID, SIR.

MATTER OF FACT,MY FRIEND JASPER TOLD ME

ONE OF THEM COONSCAME BY HIS HOUSE

TO PICK HIS SISTER UPFOR A DATE.

HE SAID, "LOOK HERE, NIGGER,THAT THERE'S MY GIRL.

ANYONE HAVE SEX WITH MYSISTER, IT'S GONNA BE ME !"

YOU'VE NEVER LEFTTHIS PROPERTY,

HAVE YOU, MR. BIGSBY ?

NO, SIR,NOT IN MANY YEARS.

WHAT IF I WERE TO TELL YOU

THAT YOU AREAN AFRICAN-AMERICAN ?

SIR !

LISTEN, I'M GONNAMAKE THIS CLEAR.

I AM IN NO WAY,SHAPE, OR FORM

INVOLVED IN ANY NIGGERDOM,YOU UNDERSTAND ?!

YES, SIR, BUT--

BUT NOTHING !

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE A BOOK SIGNINGTO GO TO.

WHY DON'T YOU BRINGYOUR MEDIA CAMERAS OVER THERE

IF YOU WANNA SEESOME REAL TRUTH ?!

PRUDENCE !

PRUDENCE, HAVE JASPERLOAD THE TRUCK !

VENTURED OUTINTO AN UNSUSPECTING WORLD.

SIR, YOU'RE A FRIEND.

WHY NOT TELL HIM HE'SAFRICAN-AMERICAN ?

LISTEN, MAN, HE'S TOOIMPORTANT TO THE MOVEMENT.

IF I TELL HIM HE'S BLACK,HE'D PROBABLY KILL HISSELF

JUST SO THERE'D BE ONE LESSNIGGER AROUND.

HIS COMMITMENT IS THAT DEEP.

I'M OVERWHELMEDBY THE IRONY.

( banging )

UH-OH.

( man )WHAT, YOU LOST, BOY ?

( man )MOVE ON, MOVE ON.

WE DON'T LIKE YOUR KINDAROUND HERE !

YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE'FORE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS.

THAT'S RIGHT,THAT'S RIGHT !

TELL THAT NIGGER !

BEAT IT,YOU SORRY NIGGER !

COME ON, CLAYTON,WE GOTTA GO.

OH, JASPER, THERE'SA NIGGER AROUND HERE.

THAT DAMN MONKEY WASBEATIN' MY HOOD !

WHITE POWER !

NIGGER--

THE CONFUSIONDID NOT END THERE.

( hip-hop music )

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU JUNGLEBUNNIES TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN ?!

NIGRAS MAKE ME SICK !

WOOGIE-BOOGIE,NIGGER !

WOOGIE-BOOGIE !

DID HE JUST CALL US"NIGGERS" ?

AWESOME !

THE ANTICIPATION WAS ATA FEVER PITCH

AS WE ARRIVED ATMR. BIGSBY'S BOOK SIGNING.

THIS IS THE MANWHO SHOULD BE

THE NEXT PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES !

( cheering )

ALL RIGHT, JASPER,TIME TO SHOW THESE PEOPLE

WHAT WHITE POWER'SALL ABOUT.

YOU BETTER PUTYOUR HOOD ON, CLAYTON,

MIGHT WANNA HIDEYOUR IDENTITY.

IT'D BE SAFER,IN CASE SOME RADICAL

AIN'T SYMPATHETIC TO THE CAUSEAND WANTS TO SHOOT YOU.

THAT'S GOOD THINKING,ALL RIGHT.

I'M GONNAPUT MY HOOD ON.

HERE, LET ME GET THAT.

( man )WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,THE MAN

WHO MADE USPROUD TO BE WHITE,

NONE OTHER THAN,CLAYTON BIGSBY !

LET'S HEAR IT !

( cheers & applause )

WHITE POWER !

EVERYBODY, I HAVEA LOT OF THINGS TO DISCUSS,

MAINLY NIGRAS.

AMERICA'S AT WARWITH AL QAEDA,

BUT WE'RE STILL LOSING THE WARAGAINST AL SHARPTON !

( host )THE ASIAN COMMUNITYWAS A TARGET AS WELL.

LET'S TALK ABOUTCHINESE PEOPLE,

WITH THEIR KUNG FU

AND ALL THAT SILLY"CHING CHANG CHONG" TALK.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU,GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY.

WHITE POWER.

MR. BIGSBY WAS ALSO CRITICALOF THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY.

DON'T LET THE LIBERAL MEDIATELL YOU HOW TO THINK AND FEEL.

IF YOU HAVE HATE IN YOUR HEART,LET IT OUT.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE WILL & GRACE,

THAT DON'T MEAN THERE'SSOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.

IT MEANS THERE'S SOMETHINGWRONG WITH WILL !

HE'S A HOMOSEXUAL.

POLITICIANSWEREN'T SPARED EITHER.

WHITE POWER !

COLIN POWELL...

"CUNNILINGUS" RICE.

"CUNNILINGUS" RICESOUNDS LIKE A MEXICAN DISH,

MAYBE WE SHOULD PUT HER ONA PLATE AND SEND HER TO MEXICO

SO THE MEXICANS WILL EAT HER--WHITE POWER.

WHITE POWER !

JUST OPEN UP YOUR HEARTAND LET THAT HATE OUT !

( cheers & applause )

SHOW US YOUR FACE,WE WANNA SEE YOUR FACE !

WHO SAID THAT,YOU WANNA SEE MY FACE ?

CLAYTON,GO ON, BROTHER.

DO YOU WANNASEE MY FACE ?

DON'T BE AFRAID, JASPER.

( hollering )

WE TALKED ABOUT THIS--

DON'T BE AFRAID,SHINE YOUR LIGHT !

THERE IS COOKIE AND PUNCHFOR US TO ENJOY,

AND WE CAN MEET,TALK ABOUT WHITE BROTHERHOOD.

THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING,WHITE POWER !

MR. BIGSBY WAS NOT HARMEDTHAT NIGHT,

BUT IRREPARABLE DAMAGE HASBEEN DONE TO HIS REPUTATION

AND, IN MANY WAYS,TO THE WHITE-POWER MOVEMENT.

WE'RE TOLD THATIN THE LAST FEW WEEKS,

HE HAS ACCEPTED THE FACTTHAT HE IS A BLACK MAN.

AND THREE DAYS AGO,

HE FILED FOR DIVORCEFROM HIS WIFE.

WHEN WE ASKED, "WHY,AFTER 19 YEARS OF MARRIAGE ?"

HE RESPONDED:

"BECAUSE SHE'SA NIGGER LOVER."

I'M KENT WALLACE,GOOD NIGHT.

( man )FUNDING FOR "FRONTLINE"PROVIDED BY

THE "TRENT LOTT FOUNDATION"FOR PEACE AND UNDERSTANDING.

LOVING BLACK PEOPLE,ONE AT A TIME.