Pilot

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 03/17/2010

A New York Department of Integration social worker helps supernatural creatures adapt to city life.

[evil laughter]

- [moans]

- [in demon voice]SEE YOU IN HELL, MORTAL SCUM.

[banging at door]

- [growls]

- YOU KNOW THAT TIME WHENYOU'VE JUST MOVED TO THE CITY

AND YOU TAKE THE FIRST APARTMENTYOU FIND ON CRAIGSLIST

WITH SOME DUDEYOU NEVER EXPECTED?

THAT'S WHEREMY STORY BEGINS.

THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED.

- OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE STILL BANGINGTHAT DEMON CHICK?

I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS GETTINGMURDERED IN HERE LAST NIGHT.

- YEAH, YEAH, CALLIEHAS SOME HOSTILITY ISSUES.

- OH, YOU THINK?

MY FRIEND RAY CHEWED OFFA GUY'S BALL BAG ONCE,

AND THAT WHOLE PROCESSWAS LESS NOISY.

- WOULD YOU MIND UNHINGINGTHE BEDPOSTS, PLEASE?

- [grunts]

- I CAN GET SOMEBODY OUT THEREFRIDAY BETWEEN 9:00 AND 9:00.

- CAN YOU NARROWTHAT TIME FRAME A LITTLE?

- BUDDY, I GOT ZOMBIESPUTTING ARMS THROUGH DOORS

ALL OVER MANHATTAN.

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

- FRIDAY?

- WHAT PART OF"FRIDAY IS AFRICAN DANCE CLASS"

DO YOU NOT GET?

- RANDALL AND IWERE IN THE SAME BOAT

AS FAR AS WOMEN WENT.

HE'D "GONE ZOMBIE"A FEW MONTHS BACK

FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.

- I REALLY LIKE YOU,

BUT I KIND OF ONLYDATE ZOMBIES, SO...

[harp glissando]

SORRY, I'M JUST REALLYINTO WARLOCKS NOW.

- NEVER MAKE LIFE DECISIONSWITH A HARD-ON

AND A FIFTH OF TEQUILA.

- CRAP!

- WHAT DO YOUGOT GOING ON TODAY?

- THOUGHTI'D STARE BLANKLY AHEAD

WITH COLD, DEAD EYESFOR A WHILE, HOW I DO.

MAYBE CHECK OUT KUNG FU PANDA.

[spoon clinks]

OH, BY THE WAY,

THIS THING THAT YOU GOT GOINGWITH CALLIE,

IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

- BUT?

- IT'S JUST THAT I WOULDN'TTOUCH HER WITH MY [bleep],

AND IT'S DEAD, SO...

- YOU HAVE A LITTLE, UH...

- MILK?LITTLE BIT OF MILK PROBABLY?

- NO, S-SKIN.

- DID I GET IT?

- YEAH, YOU'RE GOOD.

- LAST NIGHTWAS AN ENORMOUS MISTAKE, MARK.

EXPECT NO SPECIAL TREATMENT

JUST BECAUSEYOU'VE SEEN MY COOCH.

- AND A GOOD MORNINGTO YOU TOO.

- CALLIE, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TOABOUT YOUR COOCH?

- I SAID "SCOOCH"...TAPE.

SCOOCH TAPE, SIR.IT'S MAINTENANCE.

[in demon voice]GET ME MY SCOOCH TAPE, MAGGOT.

- GRANTED, NOT THE MOSTNURTURING RELATIONSHIP,

BUT THE WAY I FIGURE,

IF YOU LIKE IT NORMAL,WHY BOTHER COMING TO NEW YORK?

- HEY, BUDDY,MAYBE A DIAPER HERE?

- SUCK MY BALLS.

- HEY, I HEARTHAT'S GOOD LUCK.

- OKAY, PEOPLE,EYES UP FRONT.

NOT YOU,THREE EYES.

WE'VE ALL HEARDABOUT CUTBACKS.

HERE'S HOW IT BREAKS DOWN.

WE'RE GOING TO BORROW JUST A TADFROM SOCIAL SERVICES

IN ORDER TO FULLY FUNDLAW ENFORCEMENT.

- UH, WHERE IS THE OTHER BAR?

- I KNOW. IT'S REALLY HARDTO MAKE THAT VISIBLE.

THERE YOU ARE.

- QUESTIONS?

- DO I STILL HAVE A JOB?- NO.

OTHER QUESTIONS?GOOD.

THEN, LIEUTENANT GRIMES,

ROUND UP 20 ILLEGALSBY DAY'S END,

AND OUR OFFICE WINSA BONUS HAM.

- ILLEGALS ARE THE DISEASE,

AND I'M THE CURE,SIR.

- UM, EXCUSE ME.

BUT AREN'T QUOTA SYSTEMSILLEGAL?

- WHO IS HE AGAIN?

- MARK LILLY, SIR,FROM SOCIAL SERVICES,

OUR TOKEN BLEEDING HEART.

- DON'T WANTTO MAKE WAVES HERE.

I JUST THOUGHT WE WERESUPPOSED TO BE HELPING

NEW CITIZENS ASSIMILATE,

NOT TREATING THEMLIKE CRIMINALS.

[slow applause]

- NO.I'M MOCK CLAPPING.

- AS AM I.- NO, YOU AREN'T.

YOU'RE GOING FOR THAT SLOW,BUILDING APPLAUSE THING,

LIKE ALL THOSE'80s MOVIES.

- THERE'S VIRTUALLYNO DIFFERENCE IN OUR CLAPS.

- STOP CLAPPING,BOTH OF YOU.

YOU RUBBER-STAMP IMMIGRANTSINTO THE WORKFORCE.

GRIMES SENDS THEM BACKWHERE THEY CAME FROM.

DID I MISS SOMETHING?

- NO, SIR.SOUND LOGIC.

SO I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE HELPFULIF WE SHARE OUR PROBLEMS AND

QUESTIONS IN A GROUP SETTINGFROM NOW ON.

- I HEARD YOU WERESLAPPING US TOGETHER

JUST TO SAVE TIME.

- IT'S NOT TRUE.

- OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.

THE GREAT BRAIN KNOWS ALL.

- HE HEARD YOUIN MEN'S ROOM.

HE IN THERE ALL DAY.

- YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

- NO, HE'S RIGHT.

THE DEPARTMENTHAS BEEN SLASHED.

BUT I CAN STILL PROVIDE YOU

WITH WHAT YOU NEEDTO BECOME U.S. CITIZENS.

UH, YES, LEFTY?

both: MARTIN.

- SORRY.STILL LEARNING THE NAMES HERE.

- WE KEEP GETTING COUNTEDAS TWO PEOPLE.

- CLEARLY ONE ENTITY.

I'M MARKING ITIN YOUR FILE.

- YEAH, RELATED QUESTION.

ARE THERE ANY DOUBLE-ASS TOILETSIN MANHATTAN?

- I KNOW FOR A FACT

WENDY'S MIDTOWNIS DOUBLE-ASS ACCESSIBLE.

I'LL GET YOU THE COMPREHENSIVELIST AFTER CLASS.

- RIGHTEOUS.- OH, TUBULAR.

- YES, UH,MARGUERETTE?

- I WISH TO MAKE ANGERTOWARD THE ROBOTS...

- OH, HERE WE GO.

- FOR TAKING OUR LEGAL JOBS.

IN MY COUNTRY,WE CALL THEM THE TOILET BOWL,

FOR THIS IS THE PLACEWE RELIEVE OURSELVES OF WASTE.

- I TAKE ISSUE WITH THAT.

- DON'T FORGET TO TAKE TISSUEWITH THAT, TOILET.

- OH, SNAP,SHE SERVED YOUR ASS.

- ROBOTS ARE NOT THE ENEMY HERE,OKAY, PEOPLE?

AND, WHATEVER YOU AREIN THE BACK,

WE HAVE MORE IN COMMONTHAN NOT.

- MR. LILLY,A WORD.

- OKAY.

THE STATE DEPARTMENTREQUIRES ME

TO PAY YOU ALL A VISITAT YOUR NEW JOB,

SO I WILL SEE YOUTHIS AFTERNOON.

- I HEAR HE'SSCHTUPPING THE BOSS.

- THE INNOCENT ONESALWAYS HAVE A TASTE FOR DANGER.

[meter clicks]

SHAKE IT OFF, BRAH.THE NIGHT IS YOUNG.

AND THIS JOINTIS CRAWLING WITH CILF.

CHECK OUT FUN BAGSON YOUR SIX.

- [mumbling incoherently]

- UM, WAIT.UH, ONE MORE TIME?

- I SAID A VODKA TONICAND A LONG STRAW, PLEASE.

- CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

MY SKIN'S FALLING OFFLIKE OSSO BUCO,

AND SHE'S ALL OVER ME.

YOU WANT TO NAIL HERWITH ME?

- IT IS LITERALLY ANYTHINGTHAT MOVES WITH YOU, ISN'T IT?

- WHAT ARE YOU,STILL ON CALLIE?

DUDE, YOU HOPPED OFFTHAT MEAT BUS 12 HOURS AGO.

BE IN THE NOW.

- [in demon voice]GET...OUT.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE,MORE FACE 'GINA FOR ME, THEN.

- THAT WASA MAJOR SCREW-UP, LILLY.

- I KNOW.POOR TYLER.

I NEED TO READ THE MANUALWAY MORE CAREFULLY

OR AT ALL, ACTUALLY.

- I MEANT PICKING UP GIRLS

THE NIGHTAFTER WE SLEEP TOGETHER.

YOU'RE LUCKYI DON'T TURN YOUR [bleep]

INTO A BAG OF MARSHMALLOWSRIGHT NOW!

- I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT,ACTUALLY.

- LOOK, CALLIE, I'M FLATTEREDAND TERRIFIED AND ALL THAT.

I JUST DON'T THINKTHIS IS WORKING OUT.

I'M A SOCIAL WORKER.

YOU EAT SOULS FOR FUN.

WE COULDN'T BE A WORSE MATCHIF WE TRIED.

FRANKLY, I LIVE IN CONSTANT FEARTHAT YOU'RE GONNA MURDER ME.

- AW.

YOU ALWAYS KNOWJUST WHAT TO SAY.

- SO THAT'S PRETTY MUCHLIFE IN THE BIG APPLE:

OVERWORKED AND UNDERPAID,

LOOKING FOR LOVEIN ALL THE WRONG PLACES,

AND, MORE TIMES THAN NOT,

WORKING FORA TOTAL DOUCHE NOZZLE.

MUST BE WHY EVERYONEKEEPS COMING HERE.

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