Mad Real World & Ask a Gay Dude

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 02/26/2003

Dave imagines a "Real World" season with an all-black cast and one super-white guy.

BEIN' PUT INA MOTHERFUCKIN' HOUSE...

AND HAVIN' THEIR MOTHERFUCKIN'LIVES TAPED...

FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS WHENPEOPLE STOP BEIN' ALL POLITE

AND SHIT AND STARTBEIN' REAL.

MAD REAL.

MAD REAL WORLD,SON.

( all )HOBOKEN !

A'IGHT ?

A'IGHT ?

ALL RIGHT ?

WHEN I FIRST ENTERED THE HOUSE,UM, YOU KNOW...

NEEDLESS TO SAY,I WAS A LITTLE SURPRISED

TO MEET THE OTHER ROOMMATES.

SORRY, SORRY.

HOW YA DOIN' ?

WHAT'S UP, BABY ?

( all arguing )

( woman )WHAT ? WHAT ?WHAT ? WHAT ?

HEY, WHAT'S GOIN' ON ?MY NAME IS CHAD.

( coughing )

( muttering )

I DON'T HANG OUTWITH MANY BLACK PEOPLE.

WHO ORDERED PIZZA ?

NO, NO, NO, I, I--I'M YOUR NEW ROOMMATE, RIGHT ?

YOU WANNA-- YOU WANNA ROOM ?

NAH, UH,ALL THE BEDS IS FULL.

YOU GOT TO ROOMWITH TYREE.

( Tyree )MY NAME IS TYREE,AND, YEAH,

I WENT TO PRISON.

I'M-- I'M YOURROOMMATE, CHAD.

WELL, LOOKY HERE, CHAD,

FOR THE ENTIRE PERIODYOU IN MY ROOM,

I BETTER NOT CATCHYOU STANDIN' UP PEEIN'.

YOU SIT DOWN WHEN YOU PEE,YOU UNDERSTAND ?

UH...

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, GET YOUR FAT ASS ONOUT OF HERE, WHITE BOY.

NIGHTY-NIGHT,KEEP YOUR BUTTHOLE TIGHT.

LET ME TRY ON SOMECOTTON DOCKERS, HA-HA-HA.

WHAT'S THE SQUARE ROOTOF THIS APARTMENT ?

HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WASGETTING HIMSELF INTO, YOU KNOW ?

♪ WE PERSEVERE ♪

THEY GAVE US A JOBRUNNING THE JUICE BAR.

ALL RIGHT, ENJOY.THANKS A LOT.

I WASN'T REALLY CRAZYABOUT THE WAY

SOME OF THE OTHER ROOMMATES, UM,ACTED IN THE JUICE BAR.

( coughing )

LOOK AT ME, AMERICA,I'M MAKIN' JUICE.

I CALL THIS,"THE TRON SPECIAL."

BOO-YA !

THIS RIGHT HERE ISTHE GOOD SHIT.

DRIP, DRIP, DRIP, DRIP...

IT'S JUST BETTER IF, UH...

GET OUTTA MY FACE,NIGGA !

I'M MAKINGJUICE, ALL RIGHT ?

FINE, FINE, YOU MAKE YOUR JUICE,I DON'T KNOW.

WHOA !

THEY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH RESPECTFOR THE JOB.

( Tron )ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HOLD ON, LET ME ROLL,ONE MORE ROLL, ONE MORE ROLL.

HEY, UH, GUYS,YOU KNOW, UH--

WE'RE HERETO WORK, NOT PLAY.

YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T HAVE THISCONVERSATION EVERY DAY.

HEY !

YO, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM,MAN ?!

WHY YOU WANNAWORK SO HARD, HUH ?!

YEAH, MAN, AMERICA WANNA SEE USLIVE, NOT WORK.

LOOK AT ME, AMERICA,LOOK HOW TRON IS LIVING.

FOR THE CITY...

GET YOUR ASSOUTTA HERE, NOW !

THIS IS A PLACEOF BUSINESS...

WELL, BRING SOMEJUICE BACK, NIGGA !

SELL ME SOME JUICE, BITCH,I'M THIRSTY !

GET MEA PHILLY BLUNT, SON.

AND A BANANACOGNAC, BIATCH !

C'MON, A-CLICKETY-CLACK,A-CLICKETY-CLACK.

( sirens wailing )

POLICE, POLICE,THEY COMIN' THIS WAY !

THIS WAY, COME ON,Y'ALL !

GET MY MONEY !HURRY, GET MY MONEY !

MY GIRLFRIEND KATIECAME IN FROM MAINE,

UM, IT'S GOODTO BE ALONE FOR A MINUTE

IN THE CONFESSIONROOM.

( laughing )

NIGGASIS WILDIN' !

( crowd yelling )

I REMEMBER THAT WE WEREALL JOKING AROUND,

AND TRON GOT MEIN A, UH... A SLEEPER HOLD.

OH YEAH !

( crowd yelling )

I'M KING OF THE WORLD !

I DON'T THINK HE MEANTTO HURT ME, BUT, UH...

I DON'T, I'LL BE HONEST,

I DON'T REMEMBERA WHOLE LOT AFTER THAT.

SSSSS !

( crowd yelling )

( Tyree )WE GONNA TAKECHAD UPSTAIRS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN',AND TUCK HIM IN.

OH, OKAY,THAT'S NICE, YEAH.

BE CAREFUL IF YOU GETA SLEEPER HOLD

BECAUSE THE NEXT DAYYOUR ANUS WILL REALLY HURT.

YOU KNOW, I'LL ADMIT IT,

WHEN MY DAD CAME BY,I WAS A LITTLE BIT CONCERNED.

( Chad )HEY, GUYS, I'D LIKE TOINTRODUCE YOU ALL TO MY DAD.

I BROUGHT SOME BROWNIES.

DO THEY GOT WEEDIN 'EM ?

NO !

I FELT BADFOR THAT WHITE BOY,

BUT HIS DADDY SHOULDN'T HAVELOOKED AT HER LIKE THAT,

SO, YOU KNOW ?

... 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKEHOW YOU LOOKED AT ME.

WHY YOU GOTTALOOK AT ME LIKE THAT ?!

ZONDRA, I APOLOGIZE.

I DON'T KNOW HOWI'M LOOKING AT YOU.

LIKE THAT !LIKE WHAT ?!

OH, LOOK !LOOK, HE DOIN' IT !

I'LL LOOK OVER HERE !

DON'T LOOK AT ME !

HE DON'T KNOWHOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE.

WHY YOU GOTTA BE LOOKIN'AT ME, WHITE MAN ?!

I'M NOT LOOKINGAT ANYONE, IF SOMEONE...

( grunting )

I'VE BEEN STABBED !

BLAH, BLAH...

ZONDRA,I'VE BEEN STABBED...

AND I DON'T KNOWWHAT I DID !

YOU CAME IN THE HOUSEWITH SIX WILD NIGGAS,

THAT'S WHAT YOU DID !

"I'M--I'M BLEEDING !"

( Chad )HEY, GUYS,WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE ?

( loud chattercontinues )

HA !I SAID, LOOK...

ENOUGH !

( music stops )

WHAT IS WRONGWITH YOU PEOPLE ?!

CAN'T YOU BE QUIETFOR ONE NIGHT ?!

IT'S 1:30 IN THE MORNINGAND I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY

TO GO TO WORK,DAMN IT !

OH, THIS WHITE BOY'STRIPPIN', "YOU PEOPLE ?"

WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN,"YOU PEOPLE ?!"

I THINK WE NEED TOHAVE A HOUSE MEETING, Y'ALL.

A'IGHT ?

( stomping up stairs )

( Zondra )THE REASON WHY WE CALLEDTHIS HOUSE MEETING IS BECAUSE

WE JUST DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH YOUIN THE HOUSE ANYMORE, CHAD.

ARE YOU SERIOUS ?

I DON'T FEEL SAFE.

WE FEEL AS THOUGH YOU SHOULDLEAVE, MAN... TODAY.

I SHOULD LEAVE ?

TYREE, YOU--YOU STABBED MY DAD !

AND YOU HAD SEXWITH KATIE.

WAIT A MINUTE,YOU GOT THAT ALL WRONG.

I DIDN'T HAVE SEXWITH KATIE.

LYSOL HADSEX WITH KATIE.

I JUST FILMED IT.

NO, TYREE,YOU HAD SEX WITH ME TOO.

CORRECTION, I HAD SEXWITH KATIE.

AND NOW YOUWANT ME TO LEAVE ?!

I MEAN, REALLY, MAN,

WE COULD JUST FUCKYOU UP.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE TRYIN' TO BE,YOU KNOW, COMBENIAL ABOUT THIS.

BUT WORSECOME TO WORSE,

WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TOFUCK YOU UP.

RIGHT.

FINE, I--I GUESS I'LL GO.

HEY, CHAD ?

I HAD SEX WITH KATIE TOO,MAN.

KATIE HASSOME BIG-ASS TITTIES.

( laughing )

♪ OOOOOHHHHHH ♪

♪ AAAHHOH OH ♪

♪ OH ♪

♪ OOOOOH ♪

♪ GOT THAT FEELING'OOOHHH ♪

♪ GOT THAT FEELING'OOOOH ♪♪

( announcer )YOU'VE SEEN THEM AT MARDI GRASAND ON SPRING BREAK.

NOW, SEE THEM ASYOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE,

IN THE WILDS OF AFRICA !

THAT'S RIGHT, AVAILABLE FORTHE FIRST TIME ON HOME VIDEO,

IT'S NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC'S"THIRD-WORLD GIRLS GONE WILD"!

NO COLLECTION OF VIDEOSSHOWING GIRLS

LIFTINGTHEIR SHIRTS UP IS COMPLETE

WITHOUT NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC'S"THIRD-WORLD GIRLS GONE WILD".

CALL NOW.

SO GREAT TO SPENDSOME QUALITY TIME WITH HER.

HI, MY NAME IS KATIE.

( Chad )I KNOW WE'RE STILL YOUNG,

BUT, I GET THE FEELINGTHAT KATIE, YOU KNOW,

SHE MIGHT BE THE ONE.

TYREE MADE MEREALLY UNCOMFORTABLE,

THE WAY HE WAS LOOKINGAT ME AND KATIE.

SOMETHING IN HIS EYESTHAT KIND OF SCARED ME,

YOU KNOW, AND, UH... IT WASN'TAPPROPRIATE.

... KEEP ON DOIN'WHAT YOU DOIN'.

AND THEN THERE WASTHAT ONE NIGHT IN MY ROOM.

( audience )OH !

( Tyree )SAY, NIGGA,GET YOUR ASS UP.

I NEED THAT BED.I GOT COMPANY.

MY MAN, LYSOL,FRESH OUT THE JOINT.

YEAH.

HELLO, LYSOL,NO PROBLEM, TYREE.

C'MON, KATIE,LET'S GO.

NO, NAH, NAH, SON,OOH, SHE CAN STAY.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, CHAD ?I'M GONNA STAY HERE.

LYSOL AND TYREE, THEY'RE JUSTGENUINELY NICE GUYS.

WHAT YOU WAITIN' FOR, MAN ?GET YOUR FAT ASS OUT OF HERE

BEFORE I CUT SOME BACONOFF YOUR BACK.

CAN WE STOP THE TAPE ?

( Lysol )WHAT'S UP ?

YEAH, WE GONNA SEND THATBACK TO THE JOINT

SO NIGGAS KNOWHOW WE LIVIN' OUT HERE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

I SAW KATIE WITH, UH,TYREE AND LYSOL,

AND, UM,I WORKED MY WAY THROUGH IT.

( Tyree )DO YOUR THING THERE, DOGGY,YEAH !

( sobbing )OH, KATIE...

YO, COULD YOU HOLD IT DOWN ?

WE'RE TRYIN' TO MAKELOVE OVER HERE.

( Tron ) CHAPPELLE'S SHOWWILL BE RIGHT BACK

( announcer )ONCE IN A GREAT WHILE,

A FILM COMES ALONGTHAT CHANGES THE WAY

WE THINK ABOUT OURSELVES.

( woman screaming )

( man )LAST TIME, ALL RIGHT ?LAST TIME, NOW.

I WANT YOU TO PUSHPUSH, MRS. CHAPPELLE.

I WANT YOU TO PUSH.

AAH... !

( coughing )EXCUSE ME.

AAH !AH...

( laughing )

THAT IS ONEFUNNY-ASS KID.

WACKA-WACKA !

( all laughing )

AND LOOK AT THE PENIS ON HIM !IT'S BIGGER THAN MINE !

WHAT ARE YOUGONNA NAME HIM ?

I'M GONNA CALL HIM DAVE.

DAVE ?DAVE CHAPPELLE.

WATCH YOUR EYE.

HE SET HIS SIGHTS ON COMEDY,AND WOULD NOT BE DENIED.

( Theme from "8 Mile "playing )

♪ WHERE YOU FROMWHEN YOU LEAVIN' ♪

♪ NICE SHIRTDOES IT COME IN YOUR SIZE ♪

♪ DO I COME TO YOUR JOB ♪

♪ AND SMACK THE BROOMOUT YOUR HAND ♪

SOMETHING NEEDS TO HAPPEN WITHTHIS COMEDY THING RIGHT NOW.

♪ JOKES AND JOKES AND JOKESAND JOKES AND AH-HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ SPAGHETTI SPAGHETTI SPAGHETTISPAGHETTI SPAGHETTI ♪

♪ 8 MILE ♪

HIS SKILLS TOOK HIMTO THE TOP,

AND ALLOWED HIM TOHAVE SEX WITH JANET JACKSON,

JENNIFER LOPEZ,

A BUNCH OF THE GIRLS FROM THE"BIG PIMPIN'" VIDEO

AND HALLE BERRY.

THAT WAS GREAT HAVIN' SEXIN THE SHOWER, HALLE BERRY.

YOU DRAINEDMY MONSTER'S BALLS.

AW, GIRL...( cell phone ringing )

OH, HOLD UP, I'M GETTING A CALL,I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HELLO ?

( man )Hey, Dave,it's Eddie Murphy.

( man )And Richard Pryor.

AH, WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL ?

Hey, man,we were just talking

about how much funnieryou are than us.

Y'ALL CRAZY, MAN.

Can you come have dinnerwith us, Dave ?

I mean, really, please ?

Could you, could youhave some dinner ?

DINNER TONIGHT SOUNDSGREAT, RICHARD PRYOR.

Really ?Ha !

You gonna bring Halle ?'Cause that's a fine bitch.

NAH, SON, THAT AIN'TNO DINNER THING.

CALL ME LATER, MAN.

HEY, HALLE,HOW YOU GETTIN' HOME ?

AND ALL THE TIME,HE KEPT IT REAL.

DID I TELL Y'ALLTO SELL DRUGS, HUH ?!

NO, HOVE DID THAT !

SO HOPEFULLY NONE OF Y'ALLHAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT.

HIS AMAZING JOURNEY LED HIMSTRAIGHT TO THE HALLS OF POWER.

( "America the Beautiful"playing )

THANKS FOR HAVING ME, MR. BUSH.I APPRECIATE THE INVITATION.

WELL, SON,YOUR HUGE HEART,

GENEROSITY AND COURAGEHAVE SAVED AMERICA.

YOU'RE THE CHAMP.

I KNOW I AM.

I BEAT EVERYBODY I FACED,AND I'M STILL HERE.

I'M STILL STANDIN',I'M STILL STRONG !

I'M BRIGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKEA BATH WITH MY DAUGHTERS ?

THEY COULD LEARN SOMETHINGFROM YOU,

AND I HEARD YOUHAVE A 16-INCH PENIS.

18, BUT WHO'S COUNTIN' ?

( both laughing )

YEAH, GIMMEONE OF THEM...

YEAH, THING THERE...DID I GET THAT RIGHT ?

YEAH...

( laughing )NO !

ALL RIGHT,I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

WHEN A GAY GUY IS PERFORMINGORAL SEX,

IS IT BETTER THAN A FEMALE ?

BETTER, BETTER...HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW ?

NEXT QUESTION !

IT'S BETTER !

HEY, YO, I JUST GOTONE QUESTION

FOR YOUFRUITY PANTS OUT THERE,

IT'S BAZAAR ROYALE FROM BLOODLINE RECORDS,

I WANNA KNOW,WHAT IS THE RAINBOW ABOUT ?!

WHAT IS THE RAINBOWABOUT ?!

I'M NOT FEELIN' THE RAINBOW !I'M NOT FEELIN' THE RAINBOW !

GET BACK AT MEABOUT THAT !

"FRUITY PANTS",LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'LL PUT A BAND-AIDOVER YOUR LEFT CHEEK

AND MAKE YOU MY NELLY.

FRUITY PANTS !

SINCE YOU'RE GUYS...

LIKE, GUYS ARE ALWAYS,LIKE, AFTER EVERY CHICK...

SO, SINCE YOU'RE STILL A GUY,BUT YOU LIKE GUYS,

THEN, YOU'D BEAFTER EVERY GUY...

SO, DO YOU WANT ME...NOW ?

DO YOU WANT THIS ?

YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS,BUT IF YOU WANT...

I WANNA KNOWDO YOU WANT THIS ?

OH-HO, YOU TEASE.YOU BIG TEASE.

HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

( retching & spitting )

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