Nice Try, The Devil

  • 05/12/2013

Pete Holmes reveals the positives and negatives of single life, shares his love for Ryan Gosling and describes the joy he gets from telemarketers.

how's it going?

[cheers]

I was recently homein Boston, and my mother--

[cheer]Thank you.

My mother Irena referredto the singer Celine Dion--

Listen to me now.

She referred to the singerCeline Dion

as Salon Dijon.

I honestly don't know why we'renot all doing backflips

right now.

Salon Dijon

was said to me in a roomwith air in it.

I heard it, remembered it,and brought it to the show.

That is a gift.

I haven't even added anything.

It's like a catbringing a dead bird.

It's a treasure.

And it wasn't like this--it wasn't like,

"Peter, who's that singer,

"French-Canadian,I don't know, Salon Dijon?

"I don't know.What's her name? I don't know.

Salon, is that it?Salon Dijon? I don't know."

It wasn't like that.It was like this.

"Peter, your fathergot me tickets

to my favoriterecording artist..."

[laughter]

"Salon Dijon."

Just an expensive mustard rinseof a performer.

"Ooh. I love Salon.

"I hope she playsmy favorite song

"from my favorite movie, Big Boat Iceberg.

"That's my favorite movie.

"Starring my favorite actor,Leonardo DiPizzaplace.

"He...

"is a dream.

"♪ Here there under the stairs

I love the lyrics."

So, I don't know

if you can tellby my overall vibe

I am a friendly fellow.

Kind of guy who likes to getto the airport

a couple hours early,get a few white wines in me,

and start telling old peoplethey still got it.

That's the kind--

High-fiving babies.That sort of thing.

I don't feel like I belongin comedy.

People going out,

drinkingslippery American cocktails,

having sex after.

I don't belongin the nightclub scene.

Look at me.Huh-huh!

This face doesn't--Hi, how you doing?

Fixed your taillightwhile you were sleeping.

No charge.

That's--[laughter]

I don't belongin a comedy club.

I like to thinkthat there are millions

and millionsof different universes,

each slightly differentfrom the last.

And this universe,the one we're all in currently,

is the only onewhere I'm not a youth pastor.

[laughter]

Does that resonate with you?

I shouldn't be on a fancy stageright now.

I should bein a carpeted gymnasium

with an acoustic guitarwith a rainbow strap

just like...

Who wants to rap about the Lord?

Let's do this.

Let's get some testimoniesgoing.

Tyler, I love those testes,buddy.

Break out those testes.

But no one will tell mewhy that's funny.

Yeah!

[laughter]

Corny guy.

I always like doingsomething silly up top.

This is a guy tellinghis Latino friend...

that their soccer team finallybroke their losing streak.

Okay?

Guy telling his Latino friend

that their soccer team finallybroke their losing streak.

[laughter]

"Juan!"

[laughter]

"We won one, Juan!

"Juan, we won one!

"We finally won one, Juan!

"Where were youwhen we won one, Juan?

"We finally won one, Juan.

"One is what we won, Juan.One is what we won.

"It was one to onefor the longest time, Juan.

"Then we won one, Juan.

Penalty kicks."

If that doesn't unlock the safewhere you keep your joy,

maybe lube up the diala little bit.

Just a little bit.

For yourself.

[applause]

- It's great to be in Austin.

The last show I hadwas in Atlanta.

My travel agent made a mistakeand booked me

in a bad part of Atlanta...

called Atlanta.

That one is rightover the plate, that one.

That is straight show business,that one.

I don't know if you can picturethis friendly-faced fellow

in a bad part of Atlanta,but I was just like...

"Oh, no."

And I don't knowif you've ever been driving

around a sketchy neighborhood

and you do what I doand you start telling yourself

that it's you.

That you're judging theneighborhood inappropriately.

That's what I did.I was like, stop it.

It's fine.

It's different.I like it.

It's just different.

Thank you.What a vibrant community.

Check-cashing places?What a wonderful service.

Those should be everywhere.Thank you very much.

Oh, a Cash4Gold.Thank you so much.

Finally a place to get rid

of this goddamn chest of goldI have,

for I be a pirateback from voyage.

Thank you.

I knew it was a bad area,

because I saw a pimp.

It's 11:00 A.M.I saw a pimp.

How do I knowit was a pimp?

Picture a pimp.

You got him.

Don't alter your first draftof pimp in the least.

I saw a man head to toein a furry purple suit,

a glass canewith a living squid in it,

and Kung Lao's hatfrom Mortal Kombat.

I saw a pimp.

[applause]

Like the idea of a manwho went

to a costume shop,rented the pimp,

and then proceededto actually pimp within it.

And then never return it,as is the pimp's way.

Then I got to my hotel.

I don't know if you're stillplaying the picture-it game,

but it's not like a DoubleTree.

It's like an abandoned building

someone had spray-paintedthe word "hotel" on.

Two Es.

Put 'emwherever it tickles you.

I'm checking in behindthree feet of bulletproof glass.

I still think it's gonna bea delightful stay.

I'm askingwhat the Wi-Fi password is.

"What is it?What?

"It's hard to hear youthrough this protective casing.

"It's 'Stab me'?

"How odd.Stab--underscore?

There's an underscore.Stabóme? Thank you so much."

Then it hits me.This has nothing to do

with me or my perceptionof this area.

This is a messed-up area.

I don't care who you are,

you need to getthe [bleep] out of this area.

So I'm in the middleof the transaction,

and I didn't knowwhat to say.

I had my roller bag,and I was just like,

"Never mind."

And I just rolled out.

I'm in the parking lot.It's 11:00 A.M.

It already looks likea Bone Thugs-n-Harmony video.

I don't want to goto the crossroads just yet.

So this is the most cowardly,lamest, most pathetic thing

I've ever done in my life.

I got in my rental car,Kia Sorrento--

already pretty lame--

terrified,no idea where I was,

no idea where I needed to go,

turned on the GPS,hand trembling,

just knew I needed to getfar, far away from there,

typed in Barnes & Noble.

[laughter]

I feel some of you are not sureif you can laugh at that joke,

and I feel that same percentage

filing that awayas a viable option

to get outof a sketchy neighborhood.

It worked.

I could have done Panera.

I could have done Apple store.

15 minutes later I had a scone.Do you understand?

You're welcome.

It was not my finest moment.

I think I'm getting toocomfortable with swearing.

I recently told my doctor

that I don't really [bleep]with cheese.

That's true.

I was in a doctor's office

in the morning,

and he was like,"Tell me about your diet."

I was like, "Pretty good.

Don't really [bleep]with cheese."

Maybe pump the brakes,ol' Petey Pants.

Maybe pump the brakes.

I'm a dummy.

I recently dropped a dog.

Oh, that's okay.

I hear the empathy noise.

I didn't wound a dog.

That would be--that would be crazy

if I was like, Okay,show's going pretty good.

What next?

I killed a dog.

[laughter]

You know those thingseveryone loves?

I ended one.

I wouldn't tell you guysif I did that.

I would save thatfor my serial killer journal.

Just like, "Could manbe so sweet?"

[laughter]

Is that just me?That's the craziest thing

about serial killers,is the journaling.

I understand killing somepeople, but who wants to go home

like, "Big day."

[laughter]

Take it easy,Doogie Howser.

You killeda lot of people today.

Take it easy.

So I dropped a dog.I didn't know you can't.

Did you know?

Maybe there's one personI'm helping.

You can't drop dogs.

If you want to put a dog down,

they're like little old people.

They need help.They have arthritis and joints.

They're like, "Ah, be gentle."

You gotta be gentle.

If you want to put a dog down,

you have to kneelas if before a king

and lay it down.

If there's mud,put your jacket down.

They need our help.

I was raised with cats.

[bleep] you can bowl a cat.

Do you understand?

You can't hurt a cat.

They're infallible.They're like the Pope

or a pharaoh.You can't hurt a cat.

You can pick up a catany way you want.

You can grab a cat by the fatbehind its neck.

It'll yield to that movefrom its youth

straight up with that lookon its face like,

"This is degrading us both."

I'm 6'6".

That's like a kitty catskyscraper.

I'll go as high as I want,

give it a little bendto the knee,

a hoist into the air.

Cat's cool, baby.He's unfazed.

He doesn't even blink.Do cats blink?

He doesn't even blink.

He'll just do13 kitty cat somersaults,

smoke a tiny cat cigarette,

land on all fours,be like,

"[bleep] yourself.I'm a cat."

[applause]

He'll disappearinto a nearby shrub.

You won't see himfor two months.

He'll be fine.He'll forage for himself.

He'll come backon a rainy Thursday

covered in lo mein just like,"I've returned.

"Not because I like you,

but because I chooseto come back."

That's how I like my love,from women and from cats.

I like to earn it.I like to earn it.

When a cat meets you,he's like, "Die."

Then you work up to that purr.That purr means something.

People are like,"My dog loves me."

I'm like, "Yeah, but your dogwould also love a bag of sticks

with your T-shirt on it,you know what I mean?"

Scram.

I love dogs.If I see a dog,

I love it,I get excited.

I'm very tall,and especially,

if it's like a cat-sized dog,I want to pick it up.

That's how I love animals.I want it close.

It looks so small.Bring it up here

where I can see it.

It's always a gamblepicking up a dog,

'cause I'm never surewhere they bend.

It's never the same.

Where do dogs bend?It's a gamble.

They're like rigidlittle furry tables.

You got to go in like a forkliftand just take a chance.

Once you're up in the air,you never know

when's it gonna yieldto that lowercase "C" shape

with the [bleep]right on your arm.

We all actlike that's not happening.

It's a lovely beast.

The [bleep] is right on my arm.

It's coolerthan the rest of him.

So I'm holding a dog.

It's like a 35-pound dog,

like, a Boston Terrieror something.

Took a picturewith the dog,

proof that I love dogs,

and then I was done.

I'm done with the dog.

I feel you judging me.I'm judging me too.

This is a stupid story.

This is a tale of woe.

I'm done with the dog,and an idiot, me,

I just open...

from here I justopen my arms,

and immediately--I watched it falling,

I was like,"That doesn't look right."

'Cause this [bleep] dogdidn't put his paws out

to cushion the blow.

He put his paws to the side

like a goddamnadrenaline junkie skydiver

trying to get the most juiceout of the run.

His arms flailedlike an old man

shooing mosquitoesat a company picnic.

And then he greeted the earthwith his face.

Are you listening to me?

He greeted the earthwith his face.

Do you know the sound of a dogcrumbling into the earth?

I do.It's terrible.

It's like droppinga hairy baby.

Everyone hates you.

No redemption.

You have no choices, though.

You open your arms and dropa dog,

it starts freefalling,you have two choices:

One, let it go,which is what I did.

The only other choice you have--I've thought about it--

is to own it and be like...

Pfft! [bleep] your dog.

Your dog is a racist.

I've always hated your dog.

- So I'm a single man.

I am the only man up here.

[cheers]

I'm a single man.

I've never really been singlebefore.

It's new.It's interesting.

It's not because I'm so,"I can't stop getting it wet,"

you know?

[laughter]

You ever offend yourself?

I just offended myself.

"I can't stop getting it wet"?Ugh.

Gross.

It's not because of that.

It's because for the past,whatever, decade

I've been sexually active--I've never said that before.

"For the past decadethat I've been sexually active."

What, am I showing youa slideshow?

1950s high school?

This is a penis.Okay, here we go.

For my whole life,if I sleep with a girl,

I date herfor a year and a half.

That's how it works.She's not even aware of it.

I'm like, "I'm your boyfriend!"

That's how it works.

And I thoughtI'd give that a break.

I was like,let's see what happens

if I'm a self-reliant man,

and I will be a single man.

And I like it.

It's a give and a take.

The give,you can do whatever you want.

There's no little girlthere to be like,

"[bleep] stop it,knucklehead."

They're not there.

You can be like, I'm gonna shavewith Miracle Whip.

You'll be surprisedhow far you get.

You're just like, zesty.And it worked.

Downside: I choke on my soup,I die alone.

being a single man--just a rudderless man,

no direction, no government.

I'm just a man,just calling shots on my own.

It's pathetic.

I'll tell you,there are things that I do

now that I'm singlethat I've never done before

in my life.

For example,if I'm going out--

and this is sad--if I'm going out

to a partyor a dance or something,

ice cream social,

anywhere where I thinkthere might be a girl

and I might meet a girl--

I hear lore of people meetinggirls and having sex with them.

I was like,"May be for ol' Petey."

You know what I mean?

So, if I'm going outon a Friday night

to a party,before I leave the house,

I do stuff I never do.

Like, I'll make my bed.

I feel you gettinguncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable too.

I'll make my bed,

'cause I'm like,"A girl might see this bed.

"It's gotta look like the coverof a Crate & Barrel catalogue.

I want it to look real nice."

Guys, I don't make my bed.

I've never made my bed.What am I,

a recovering alcoholic?

I don't need structure.

I sleep in the same swirl of topsheet as I mule-kicked it off

the evening beforein a fever dream.

I've never made my bed.

I jump right back into thatlike a caramel center

in a Ben & Jerry's flavorI call Lonely Man's Dilemma.

I've never once made a bed.

I can't tell youwhat it feels like

to be wafting up a top sheet

that I haven't movedin a millennium,

just like,Maybe a special lady tonight!

[laughter]

Tucking it in.Guessing.

I don't know how to tuck it in.

Like, fancy,like a hotel.

Spraying down Febreze.

Hear the truth.No time for a wash.

Spray down some Febreze.

This is awkward.If you're not laughing,

you're not picturinga grown man alone,

just like...[imitates spray bottle]

Floral-scented desperation

all over the sheets.

There's a lampthat I turn on,

like a sex lamp.

Mood lighting.I never use it

unless I thinka girl's coming over.

Can't use the overhead one.It's too dank.

What is this, surgery?

Sex lamp.

Clean up the toenails.This is true.

The feet might makean appearance.

Trim up the toenails, guys.

Can't have the cold click-clackof your feet

on tile be a deal breaker.

Just like,"Hi, I'm Foghorn Leghorn

here to fornicate with you."

- I've been thinkingabout how I want to die.

We all have to die.

It would be weirdif there was one person here

that didn't know that.Like, "What?

No!"

I've been thinkingabout how I want to die.

I want to get hit by an arrow.

Who's hit by arrows anymore?

That never happens.

I want to get hitby an arrow.

And not, like, in the woods

where it wouldkind of make sense.

I want to be waiting for,like, a crosswalk

to change,just like...

Pfft!

What?

And you know, if one hits you,three more are on the way.

Just like...

Who the [bleep] is arching meright now?

I would crumble to the earthwith a smile on my face.

That would be the best wayto die.

I thoughtabout the funniest way to die.

It's me, I've been hit,hopefully by arrows,

God willing.

I'm on the groundand I'm dying,

and somebody's passing by,and they see me dying,

and they come and they kneelbeside me to be

with mein my final moment.

Unwritten social rule.

That's what you're supposedto do.

So he'd kneel beside me,and I see this man.

Then I get a second wind,

and I lean up,and I go...

[clears throat]

"Not today."

But then I just die anyway.

[laughs]

To lean up with vigorand declare, like,

"Mm-mm, not today.

I guess today."

Then you fall back down,

and diarrheashoots down one of your legs.

Then they put "Not today"on your epitaph,

'cause you can't argue,you're gone.

this to bed already, I wouldhave had it all figured out,

but I can't,because things keep happening

that make mequestion it, man.

Like, for example,recently,

a guy jumpedoff the Golden Gate Bridge,

to die.

Obvious.Not to celebrate life.

Not, like, "Things are great.Too high!"

It wasn't like that.

He jumped off to die.

And in the air, mid-fall,the guy realized

that he didn't want to die,called out to God,

and when he hit the water,

list--listento what I'm about to tell you.

When he hit the water,

an otter--are you listening?

You know that animalno one ever thinks about?

An otter swam up,pushed the man out of the water,

and saved his life.

That man said thatthat otter was sent by God.

Was it?

I don't know.

I got both interpretationsin my brain.

I got science guy going,"Yeah, right.

"That otter probably thoughtthe guy's feet were fish.

That otter killed a human babylater that very day."

But I want to believein that world

where God is up in heaven,and he goes,

"Someone's falling.Otter."

And the otter goes,"Got it."

And God is up in heaven--and I picture

the Burger King king.

That's my God.

You can have your God.

I got my God.

He's got the unmovingsmiling face, the crown,

the Whopper Jr.,up there watching.

Just like, "You want to live?Have it your way."

[laughter]

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