P***y Weed

  • Season 1, Ep 2
  • 01/29/2014

Abbi decides to stop bumming off of Ilana and buy her own weed, and Ilana tries to be an adult by doing her own taxes.


Oh, yeah.



Oh, my God.

(Abbi)Um, Ilana...Yeah?

You just pulled a bagof pot out of your vagina.

I know.

Why-- why wouldyou do that?

I do it all the time.

Honestly, it's thesafest way to travel.

Apparently, I have beensmoking this tainted weed

for I don't evenknow how long.

I didn't mean that.

It's justdisturbing to me.

I don't-- I don't knowwhat to tell you.

It's in a bag.

And, you know, the "vaya-nya"is nature's pocket.

It's-- it's natural,and it's responsible.

I shouldn't even bebumming off of you.

(Ilana)Oh, who cares?No, I'm an adult.

I should be buyingmy own pot.


Never thought this daywould come, you know?

I would be honored andpleasured to facilitate this.

No, no, no.

None of your dudes.

I wanna get myown pot, okay?

I'm not gonna be like holding mymommy's hand while I buy drugs.

I can do this.(Ilana)You know whatI'm gonna do?

I'm gonna be a grown-ass womanand do my taxes for once,

without mymommy and daddy.

Get it, bitch.I'm gonna call someold college buds,

a buncha weed-heads.

Hit 'em up!

I'm gonna getthose taxes did.

I'll hop on the Q18, catch theN and then transfer to the R,

and get home in a tight 95'cause the G ain't runnin'.


Um, but it was becausesomeone jumped on the tracks

to kill themselves,it was really sad.

Love ya, bitch!

What up, Ilana?

So I-- I bit into a jawbreaker,and my veneer fell out,

and now I ama literal monster.

I didn't know youhad a veneer,

and I'm in that mouthon a regular basis.

Well, I broke iton a dog bone,

so I don't tella lot of people,

to be honest.

You know, sincewe're bein' honest,

I want to share with you thatI have prosthetic balls.

What?I'm just kiddin'!

So, can you fix it?

Yeah, I'm not doin'anything right now.

(mumbling)Chill. I'm onthe phone, man.

So the earliest I couldsee you is 4:30.

Thank youso much, dude.

All right,so where were we?

Oh, yeah.

Yeesh! These allgotta come out.


I'm just kiddin'.

I'm a real jokestertoday-- I had that one,

and the one earlierabout prosthetic balls.

I'm crushin' it,two for two all day.


I can't make headsor tails of this.

What is this for?

Oh, I got that forbiking on the sidewalk,

but because I hadn'tpaid my last ticket

for biking onthe sidewalk--

I gotta tell ya, thisis all a mess,

'cause none of this isnecessary or helpful.

Oh, come on, Killian Casey,C.P.A., I didn't know!

Oh, I didn't know,Killian.

My final question-- doyou have any dependents?

Uh, I have a lot ofindependence, but, um--

I guess I have peoplewho depend on me, too.

So, no?Correct.

I think I almostgot this.

Got what?

I think it's, like, some sortof rocket ship or something.

It's my family.

This magic eyeis your family?

It's a regularphotograph.

I don't know, man.I don't care if youbelieve me or not.

Your refundcomes to $52.


(Killian)It's combinedState and Federal.

My fee is $125for the day.What?

I'm giving you morethan I'm getting back?

That's illegal.It's not illegal.

You're paying me to doyour taxes for you.

Yeah, but I'm notgonna go negative

for my taxesto get done.

I shouldn't have donethem in the first place.

You know what? I thinkwe're done here.

Why don't you takeyour garbage...

and mail itout yourself.

You're not gonnamail it?

I thought this wasa one-stop shop.

I came herefor the stamps.

I see it,it's your family.

Get outta here.I got it.

Get outta here!

Who yells?

Go! Go!

My purse!Go!

Get out!Get outta here!

Give me that!