I'm Retired

  • Season 2, Ep 4
  • 10/17/2012

A biracial boy has penis concerns, and an inner-city substitute teacher takes roll call.

- DA STRUGGLE IN THE HOUSE.

USING WORDS AND RHYMESTO GET THROUGH HARD TIMES.

YEAH. COME ON.

[hip hop music]

♪ I CAME FROM THE STREETSWITH NOTHING IN MY POCKETS ♪

♪ NO FOOD, NO BOOKS,NO POWER IN THE SOCKETS ♪

♪ EACH BATTLE I FIGHT,A ROLE MODEL AND A TEACHER ♪

♪ HIP HOP, MY CHURCH,EVERY RAPPER A PREACHER ♪

- ♪ PREACH FROM THE ASS,MY FARTS IS MY SERMONS ♪

♪ THE CHURCH IS YOUR MOUTHWHERE I SHOOT MY HOLY SPERM IN ♪

♪ YOU CAN TAKE YOUR ROLE MODELS,ROLL 'EM ON MY MEAT ♪

♪ BITCHES ALWAYS ON THE MENUWHEN I GO OUT TO EAT ♪

- ♪ BUT EVERYWHERE WE GO

♪ WE DON'T FORGETTHE STRUGGLES, SON ♪

♪ BLACK WOMAN,TWO JOBS, TWO KIDS ♪

♪ TOO TIRED TO JUGGLE THEM

- ♪ JUGGLE 'EM, JUGGLE 'EM,JIGGITY, JIGGITY JUGGLE 'EM ♪

♪ YUM, YUM, YUMMY

♪ TITTY TITTIESIN MY TUMMY, YUM ♪

♪ TITTIES IN MY MOUTH,I GOT TITTIES IN MY MOUTH ♪

♪ I GOT TIG OL' BITTIES FROMA BUNCH OF DIFFERENT CITIES ♪

[hinges creaking]

- I WAS WONDERING WHENI WOULD COME IN HERE TO FIND YOU

SITTING IN THAT CHAIR.

- IT WASN'T EASYTRACKING YOU DOWN, DECKER.

- WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE.

- I KNOW YOU'VE RETIRED,BUT--

- THAT'S ALL BEHIND ME NOW,GENERAL.

I'M NOT THE MAN YOU KNEWDURING THE COLD WAR.

- I UNDERSTAND.

WE'RE NOW FACING A THREAT UNLIKEANY WE'VE EVER FACED BEFORE.

A MAN WITH YOUR EXPERTISE--- I MADE A VOW.

NEVER TO KILLANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

SORRY, GENERAL, GONNAHAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

- OH...

NO, WE WEREN'TTHINKING YOU'D DO IT.

WE WERE--[clears throat]JUST HOPING YOU COULD

RECOMMEND SOMEONEFOR THE JOB.

- I GUESS I COULDCOME OUT OF RETIREMENT.

- NO. NO NEED.JUST A RECOMMENDATION WILL DO.

- ALL RIGHT. I'LL DO IT.

- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUSTNOT WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

- YOU SLY SON OF A BITCH.

YOU ALWAYS KNEWHOW TO PUSH MY BUTTONS.

I'M IN.

- NOT YOU, DECKER.

- I'M SHARP AS I EVER WAS.- [sighs]

- EVEN FASTER TOO.GRAB MY HAND.

NOPE. WAIT TILLI COUNT TO THREE FIRST.

- REALLY?

- ONE.

TWO.

THREE.

OKAY.

I WANT YOU TO TRYAND SLAP ME IN THE FACE.

UNH! WASN'T READY FOR THAT.

TRY AGAIN.

UNH! OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

- NOW WHAT?- DIDN'T HAVE MY ADRENALINE UP.

'CAUSE THIS IS NOT AN ACTUALHIGH-STAKES SITUATION.

ALL RIGHT.

DRAW YOUR WEAPON.

AND...DISARMED.[gun hammer clicks]

YOU'RE GETTING PRETTY QUICKAND DISARMED--OKAY.

I DON'T NEEDTO TAKE YOUR WEAPON.

YOU KNOW WHAT?SHOOT ME.

- I AM NOTGOING TO SHOOT YOU.

- WING ME IN THE SHOULDER.- THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

- TRY, GENERAL.SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

- [sighs]

- DEFLECTED--OOOWW!

- OKAY. I MADEA MISTAKE COMING HERE.

- WING ME IN THE OTHER SHOULDER.- I'D RATHER NOT.

- I INSIST.

DEFLECTED--AAAHH!

THAT WAS BECAUSE MY OTHER ARMWAS ALREADY INJURED.

- OKAY. I'M LEAVING.- [grunting] ALL RIGHT.

ALL OR NOTHING. GUT SHOT.

- NO!- GUT SHOT! COME ON!

IF YOU CAN SHOOT ME IN THE GUT,I'LL CONCEDE.

- DECKER, YOU HAVETWO WOUNDED ARMS.

- GUT SHOT! GO!

- GOT IT.[groans]

- YOU--YOU CAUGHT THE BULLET?

- OH, YEAH.[groans]

- SO YOU'RE TELLING METHAT THE BULLET

IS IN BETWEENYOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW.

- THAT'S WHATI'M TELLING YOU.

- [sighs]

[birds chirping]

- IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?

COME ON.

HEAD SHOT.

HEAD SHOT.I'M READY.

ONE SEC THOUGH.[gunshot]

[bell rings]

- ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP, Y'ALL.

I'M Y'ALL'S SUBSTITUTE TEACHER,MR. GARVEY.

I TAUGHT SCHOOL FOR 20 YEARSIN THE INNER CITY,

SO DON'T EVEN THINKABOUT MESSING WITH ME.

Y'ALL FEEL ME?- MM-HMM.

- OKAY.LET'S TAKE ROLL HERE.

JAY QUELLIN.

WHERE'S JAY QUELLIN AT?

NO JAY QUELLIN HERE?

- [clears throat]- YEAH.

- UH, DO YOU MEAN JACQUELINE?

- OKAY. SO THAT'SHOW IT'S GONNA BE.

Y'ALL WANNA PLAY.

OKAY, THEN.

I GOT MY EYE ON YOU,JAY QUELLIN.

BALAKAY.

WHERE IS BALAKAY AT?

THERE'S NO BALAKAY HERE TODAY?

YES, SIR.

- MY NAME IS BLAKE.- BL...

ARE YOU OUTOF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?

[mocking voice] BLAKE.WHAT?

DO YOU WANNA GO TO WAR, BALAKEY?- NO.

- 'CAUSE WE COULD GO TO WAR.- NO.

- I'M FOR REAL.I'M FOR REAL.

SO YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF.

DEE-NICE.

IS THERE A DEE-NICE?

IF ONE OF Y'ALL SAYSSOME SILLY-ASS NAME...

THIS WHOLE CLASSIS GONNA FEEL MY WRATH.

NOW, DEE-NICE.- DO YOU MEAN DENISE?

- SON OF A BITCH!

YOU SAY YOUR NAME RIGHT,RIGHT NOW.

- DENISE?- YOU SAY IT RIGHT.

- DENISE.- CORRECTLY.

- DENISE.- RIGHT.

- DENISE.- RIGHT.

- DEE-NICE.- THAT'S BETTER.

- [sighs]- THANK YOU.

NOW, AY-AY-RON.

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHERE IS AY-AY-RON RIGHT NOW?

NO AY-AY RON, HUH?

WELL, YOU BETTER BE SICK,DEAD, OR MUTE, AY-AY-RON!

- HERE.OH, MAN.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER METHE FIRST TIME I SAID IT, HUH?

- HUH?- YOU KNOW, I'M JUST ASKING YOU.

I SAID IT,LIKE, FOUR TIMES.

SO WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY IT THEFIRST TIME I SAID, "AY-AY-RON?"

- BECAUSE IT'S PRONOUNCED"AARON."

- SON OF A BITCH![clattering]

YOU DONE MESSED UP, AY-AY RON,NOW TAKE YOUR ASS ON DOWN

TO OH-SHAG-HENNESY'S OFFICERIGHT NOW AND TELL HIM

EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID!

- WHO?- OH-SHAG-HENNESY!

- PRINCIPAL O'SHAUGHNESSY?

- GET OUT OF MY GODDAMNCLASSROOM BEFORE I BREAK

MY FOOT OFFIN YOUR ASS!

INSUBORDINATE...

AND CHURLISH.

TYM-OH-THEE.

- PRESENT.- THANK YOU!

TO THE MAN OF THE HOUIR.

- GUYS...[glasses clinking]

BEST BACHELOR PARTY EVER!

all: [cheers]

- MM!- MM! OH, YEAH!

- WHOO!- YEAH! THAT'S THE STUFF.

- I CAN STILL DO IT.- ALL RIGHT, FELLAS!

WHAT DO YOU SAYWE GET A STRIPPER?

- YEAH!- WHOO!

- COME ON, TREY,I TOLD YOU, MAN, NO STRIPPERS.

- AW, IS THIS A BACHELOR PARTYOR ISN'T IT?

- YEAH!- THAT'S RIGHT!

- I'M YOUR BEST MAN, THERE'S NOWAY I'M GONNA LET YOU PUSS OUT

ON YOUR OWN BACHELOR PARTY.

WE'RE GETTING THE STRIPPER ANDWE'RE GONNA CONNECT THE DOTS.

- YES!

- CONNECT THE DOTS? WHAT?- YEAH.

TINKER TOY IT, MAN.

YOU'RE BEHIND HER AND THENWE ALL, BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP.

WE GO TO TOWN!- YEAH!

- WE GO TO TOWN!- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, HOLD ON.

WHAT'S BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP?- DUDE. YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE UP FRONT,THEN BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP. GAME ON!

- [laughs]- GAME ON.

- NO. HOLD UP,HOLD UP, HOLD UP. NO.

WHAT'S THE BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP?- YEAH, YEAH, WHAT IS THAT?

- GUYS!

THIS IS TOMMY'S LAST NIGHTOF FREEDOM! COME ON!

- WHAT'S BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP,THOUGH?

YOU KNOW.BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, WHEN YOUSAY "BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP," ARE WE--

WHAT ARE WE--ARE WE ALL--?- LINKED UP! YEAH!

BABY ELEPHANT WALK. WHOO!

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, UM...

ARE YOU SAYING THAT WE WOULDALL BE [bleep]ING EACH OTHER?

- [laughs] YOU DON'TUNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAY--

OH, DUDE! OKAY, LOOK.HERE IT IS, OKAY?

YOU'RE [bleep]INGTHE GIRL, RIGHT?

- RIGHT.- YEAH.

- THEN WE BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP!- THAT'S IT! RIGHT THERE.

- YEAH, WHAT THE [bleep]!I'M NOT DOING THAT.

- YOU GUYS!

TOMMY'S ABOUT TO WALK THE PLANKOF MARRIAGE, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE.- LAST CHANCE FOR WHAT?

I'M NOT GONNA [bleep] A GUY.- NO!

DUDE, WE'D ALLBE [bleep]ING THE GIRL.

- OH!- OH!

- OH, OKAY.- YEAH, YEAH.

- TOGETHER, BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP.

- NO!- NO!

- SEE, BUT RIGHT THERE, TREY.THAT'S THE WEIRD PART!

THE BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP.

- OKAY, I GET IT.I GET IT.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BEDISRESPECTFUL TO WOMEN.

I GET THAT.- THAT'S NOT REALLY THE ISSUE.

- OKAY, FORGET THE GIRL.ARMENIAN CONVEYOR BELT.

JUST THE GROOM AND HISGROOMSMEN, BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP.

- NO!- NO!

- YOU KEPT THE PARTTHAT NOBODY WANTS!

THE BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP!

- YEAH, I DEFINITELYDON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX

WITH ANY OF YOU GUYS!

- YEAH, YOU'REKILLING MY BUZZ.

- GUYS! WHATTHE [bleep], MAN!

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE TOMMY'SLAST BIG CELEBRATION.

NO JUDGMENT.

- JUDGMENT IS NOT WHATIS KEEPING US FROM

[bleep]ING EACH OTHER!

JEEZ! FORGET IT, TREY!

- NO! I'M SAYING, GUYS,IF YOU LISTEN TO MY WORDS,

TOMMY'S IN HERE[bleep]ING THE STRIPPER.

WE'RE IN THE OTHER ROOM.

[quietly] BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP.

- NO!- NO! BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP!

NOBODY WANTS THEBUP-BUP-BUP-BUP!

- WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT!NO BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP, OKAY?

NO BUP-BUP-BUP-BUP.

YOU'RE HERE [bleep]INGTHE STRIPPER,

THE REST OF US ARE JUSTJIGGY-JIGGY-JIGGY-JIGGY--

- NO!- AAH! NO!

- NO! NO!- NO!

[birds squawking]

- LEWIS LAWRENCEIS BEGINNING HIS LIFE SENTENCE.

IN ORDER TO SURVIVE,HE MUST JOIN A GANG.

- DO YOU UNDERSTAND?I KNOW HOW IT WORK, RIGHT?

WHEN YOU'RE IN PRISON, WHATYOU NEED IS PROTECTION, RIGHT?

AND THE WAY TO DO THATIS BY GETTING INTO A GANG.

I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND OUT THATTHERE IS A BALD GANG IN PRISON.

THEY'RE GONNA BE MY HOMIES.TALKING ABOUT SOME BBWW.

BALD BROTHERS, WHAT-WHAT?

WHAT'S UP, HOMIE?[chuckles] NICE HAIRCUT.

- GET THE [bleep] OUTTA HERE.

- I MEAN, THEY HAVEN'T THEYHAVEN'T OFFICIALLY ASKED ME

TO BE IN THE GANG YET,

'CAUSE YOU NEED TO EARNTHEY RESPECT FIRST.

- HEY!

YOU'RE THE WRONG NEIGHBORHOOD,YOU BLACK MOTHER[bleep]ER.

- AAH! STEP OFF MY HOMIES,MOTHER[bleep]ER,

OR I'LL [bleep] YOU UP!

BALD BROTHERHOOD, Y'ALL! YEAH!BALD BROTHERHOOD! WHAT'S UP!

WHAT'S UP! YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!

AAH!

UNH! AAH!

SO THAT WAS IT RIGHT THERE,OKAY?

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALLA "JUMP IN."

THAT'S THE INITIATION PROCESS.

SO, IT'S MY UNDERSTANDINGTHAT I'M NOW A MEMBER

OF THE BALD BROTHERHOOD GANG,OKAY?

I MEAN, THOSE MOTHER[bleep]ERSBEAT THE [bleep] OUT OF ME.

THAT'S A EUPHEMISMYOU HEAR ALL THE TIME.

BUT YOU DON'T YOU IF IT'S TRUE,IT CAN'T BE TRUE.

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?

BUT THAT MOTHER[bleep]ER, BIP!AND DIARRHEA JUST WENT

PSSH! RIGHT OUT MY ASS!

SO I HOPE--LIKE, I HOPE THAT'S,LIKE, LIFETIME DUES RIGHT THERE.

WHAT THE--?

IT'S THE HAPPIEST DAYOF MY LIFE IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

- DESPITE THE LACKOF ENCOURAGEMENT,

LEWIS CONTINUES TO TRY

AND INGRATIATE HIMSELFTO THE GANG.

- NO.- UNH!

- THIS LONG-HAIRED BITCH!

MAN, WHAT? YEAH!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,HERO!

TRYING TO CREEP UP ONMY BALD BROTHERS, BITCH!

I OUGHTA KICK YOU AGAIN.

WHAT? WHAT?

AAH! OH! AAH!

- HEY, YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?YOU ALL RIGHT? COME ON, GET UP.

WE GOT YOU. WE GOT YOU.

- WHAT? MAN, GETYOUR HANDS OFF ME,

YOU HAIR-HAVING MOTHER[bleep]ER!

AAH! AAH!

MAN, GET DOWN THERE.UNH! UNH!

- AAH! AAH!- WHOA! UNH!

[alarm buzzes]

I MEAN, I THINKI ACCIDENTALLY GOT HIT

BY SOME OF MYBALD BROTHERS.

- GUARDS![alarm buzzes]

- THAT'S RIGHT!BALD BROTHERHOOD FOREVER, MAN!

'SUP!

BUT YOU KNOW,THAT'S PRISON, MAN.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T NEVER KNOWWHAT SIDE IT'S COMING FROM.

[alarm buzzes]

- [laughs]

- LEWIS HAS YETTO MAKE ANY ALLIANCES.

MEANWHILE, AN UNPRECEDENTEDPEACE HAS BEEN BROKERED BETWEEN

THE ONCEINSURMOUNTABLE RACIAL DIVIDE,

NOW BRIDGEDBY A MUTUAL HATRED...

FOR LEWIS.

[bell rings]

- DUDE.

HEY, YOU GOING TO RAY'S PARTY?- YEAH, I'M GOING.

- YOU KNOW,AMY'S GONNA BE THERE.

- YEAH, I KNOW.

- THINGS HAVE BEENREAL GOOD WITH HER, MAN.

TONIGHT COULD BE THE NIGHT.- COULD BE.

- DUDE, ARE YOU OKAY?

- NOT REALLY, DUDE.- WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU GET THE HOTTEST GIRLAT A PARTY WITH NO PARENTS.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA HIT THATFOR SURE TONIGHT, MAN.

YOU'RE GONNA LOSETHAT V FOR GOOD!

[slams]- MY PENIS IS WHITE.

- EXCUSE ME?

- I HAVE A WHITE PENIS.- WHAT?

BUT YOU'RE BLACK.

- NUH-UH. I'M BI-RACIAL.

ALL THE WHITE WENT STRAIGHTTO MY PENIS.

- THAT--WHAT--WHAT,YOU MEAN, LIKE, THE COLOR?

OH.- YEAH.

- BUT WAIT, [bleep], DUDE.

I MEAN, HOW BAD COULD IT BE?- IT'S BAD.

- HOW BAD?- IT'S LIKE A SNICKERS.

- REGULAR OR FUN SIZE?

- WHICH ONE DO YOU GETAT HALLOWEEN?

- FUN SIZE.- THAT'S THE ONE.

- [bleep]- I KNOW.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?I MEAN, I...

HOW AM I GONNA HIT IT WITH AMYWITH MY LITTLE WHITE PENIS.

EVERYONE'S GONNA FIND OUTAND I'M NEVER GONNA HEAR

THE END OF IT.

- DUDE, DUDE, DUDE.- AMY'S WHITE.

SHE'S NOT GONNA CARE.- REALLY?

- YEAH.

SHE'S WHITE.- YEAH.

- YEAH.- I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MEAN, SHE'S PROBABLY NOT EVENGONNA KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

- NAH, MAN.

WHITE GIRL, WHITE PENIS.YOU'RE ALL GOOD.

[bell rings]

HEY, THERE HE IS.HOW'D IT GO LAST NIGHT?

- DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

- BLACK VAGINA.

- Okay, this Vandaveon and Mike.

We doing a next installmentand whatnot

of "Critiquer's Corners."

We just watched the most recentepisode of "Key & Peele."

- Stupid.- It was dumb, man.

- Shit was stupid as hell.- It was funny, though.

- Shit was funnybut stupid, though, but stupid.

Y'all had this one piecewhere this dude was old.

- Nigga looked likethe nigga from "The Rock."

- He did look likethat dude from "The Rock."

Y'all seen "The Rock"with Sean Connery?

Sean Connery.

[smack]

- Wasn't ready for that.

Try again.

- Okay, you know what? - No, what?

- I mean, I saw plentyof opportunities

for some dicks in this scene.

- All the slapping.

- Oh, damn, man.

The slapping was good, though.

The slapping was good.

- Yeah, but that's prime--

that's where youwant the dicks.

- That's whereyou want the dick.

If he had said,

"I want youto slap me in the face..."

- Yeah, nigga.

- Pshh, with a dick.

[laughter]

You know what I mean,it's like--

"I wasn't ready, dude."

Pshh.Do it again.

And then, when he turnhis face around,

he be like this,

there'll be like a dick-shapedbruise on his face.

Man, that would havebeen my jam.

If he had slapped himfor two straight minutes,

that would have fucking--

that would have put me underthe table, right there, man.

He said,"Shoot me in the shoulder."

If he had said,"Shoot me in the dick,"

I'd already been laughing.- [mumbles]

- Had he--had he shot himin the dick or not,

I would have been laughing.

I would have beenon board with the scene.

- At the sheermention of dicks.

- Just the--what's that?

- Yup.- Yeah, what?

- Yeah.

- I didn't hearwhat you said.

- You was about to.

- Mike, why wouldI ask you--

You know, a lot of whatyou are noticing right now

is gonna changein the near future,

because Mike and I,

we're gonna switch chairsin the next few episodes.

- No, no.

- And you don't knowwhen it's gonna happen, but--

- No, we're not.- What?

- No, we're not.- Yeah, we talked about it.

- I don't know nothingabout that, man.

- Ah, we gonna do it.

It might be comment time.- Comments.

- You all know we doinga new comments section.

That's one of the shake-n-bakeelements of the show.

- "Giving you a thumbs up

"because the two of youare funny and need a show,

but this showneeds help bad."

[clicks tongue]

"Put me downon the writing staff

so I can set you offfor you."

He wants to bea writer for us.

- Oh, you want to writeon our show?

- [exhales]

- You want to write on our show?

Well, you know,the sincerest form of compliment

is flatteries.

So...- That's all right.

- That sounds great to me,thank you.

That's our critiquefor this week.

And join in next week when...

[whispering]Mike will be hosting.

- What you say?

- Nothing, man,just signing off.

Yo, man, it's Vandaveon Hugginsand Mike Taylor up here, man.

If you want to watchall of our videos

and all of our critiquesof "Key & Peele,"

click right hereto subscribe, dawgs.

Right there.

I hope this--I don't knowwhat's it's gonna be,

but I hope this looklike a dick.

[laughter]