Adam Newman

  • 06/13/2014

Adam Newman tackles tough topics like being a basketball fan in New York, going to school in the South and his love for children's songs about diarrhea.

I live in New York now.

I love living in New York.

It's hard being a basketball fanin New York, though,

because it's so expensiveif you want to go to a game.

If you want to goto a Knicks game,

it's like $200.

Lucky for me,my brother moved to D.C.,

so once a year I go visit him.

We go to a Wizards game,

'cause it's like 75 cents

to go see the Wizards, right?

Nobody gives a sh...you can go to a...

you can pay five dollarsat a Wizards game

and you can sit on the court

at half-courtwhile they're playing.

That's how much nobodygives a shit about the Wizards.

And you guys knowthe T-shirt guns

they have at basketball games?

They blast T-shirtsinto the crowd

with thesehigh-powered air guns.

Went to a Wizards gamelast year.

They came out withthese air guns at halftime.

The announcer got onthe loudspeaker and goes,

"Who would like

a free Chipotle burrito?"

And they started

blasting burritos

into the standswith the air gun.

They have a Chipotlein the stadium,

so it's likea marketing thing for them.

If you were to ask me,hey, what's the worst thing

you can think of

to blast into 19,000 people...

Like, I wouldn't eventhink of burrito.

Burrito is two thingsbeyond what I would think of.

I'd be like,"Beans, fill it with beans.

"That's a bad idea.

"Salsa, that's very messy.

It's gonna getall over everybody."

I wouldn't even think to takeall the burrito ingredients,

wrap 'em upinto an actual burrito form,

stuff 'em in a gunand blast that into the crowd.

I wouldn't think to do that.

But if you're in that crowd...

(laughter)

...you want that burrito, right?

That burrito's like $20at an NBA basketball game

and the burrito beats the shitout of a foul ball

at a baseball game any day.

If I was at a...if I was at a baseball game,

standing next to, like,an eight-year-old kid

and his dadand I caught a foul ball

I would give it tothe eight-year-old kid.

That ball means more to the kidthan it does to me.

That same kid standing nextto me at a basketball game,

if he caught a burrito?

I would beat the shitout of that kid.

(chuckles)

I would eat the burritoin front of him and his father.

I would do that!That's how great it is.

When there's a burritospiraling towards you

and you're in the upper deck,that's a great moment.

That's a happy time.

That moment turns badvery quickly

when that burritostarts unraveling.

Your whole section is rained on

by wet, hot burrito ingredients.

What if you're vegan?

What if you're a vegan

and you're in seatsthat you paid for

and you're coveredin sour cream and steak?

That's horrifying.

Do you guys know who that is?

(audience whoops)Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he did the finger wag.That's right.

Yeah.Every time he blocked a shot,

he'd wave his fingerin the opponent's face.

It was really coolwhen he did it.

I realize it'sweirdly effeminate

when I do it.(giggles)

Mm-mm-mm-mm!

It's not nearly as coolwhen I do it.

If you know nothing aboutbasketball, though,

Dikembe Mutombowas my favorite player

based on name alone, okay?

His full name is Dikembe Mutombo

Mpolondo MukambaJean-Jacques Wamutombo.

That's his full name.

Sure, it's funny

'cause it's different.And, uh...

he's got...he's got two sons.

He named his first son DikembeMutombo Mpolondo Mukamba

Jean-Jacques Wamutombo Jr.

All right?

And I'll try to pronouncehis second son's name for you

and not stumble over it.

(clears throat)

Ryan.

Feel likehe's playing favorites.

Family name is skewed way overto the first kid.

I feel sorry for Ryan.

You know Ryan gets stuck doingall the chores in that house.

In that house, there's a lot of,

"I need someone to mow the lawn.

Dikembe Mutombo... (bleep) it.Ryan!

I'm not a very religiousperson, though.

I've prayed twicein my whole life

and they were bothtrips to Coinstars, but, um...

I didn't meet my firstreally religious people,

the Jesus-enthusiast types,until I moved down South.

I grew up in New Hampshire,

I went to schoolat University of Georgia.

I remember going toa friend of a friend's dorm

and this kid hadpictures of Jesus

covering all four wallsof his dorm.

Uh, paintings, not photos.

And, uh...

'Cause that would be amazing,

if they were photos of Jesus.

I would have convertedimmediately

if they were photos of Jesus.

But he had pictures of Jesus,uh, paintings,

covering all four wallsof his dorm.

I'd never seen anything like it,

so I asked him, "Why do you havepictures of Jesus

covering all the wallsof your dorm?"

And he goes,"The reason I do that

is because I consider Jesusto be my best friend."

And at the time, I took thatas an okay answer

and I went home andI thought about it.

And I thought, my best friendis Eric.

If Eric came overto my apartment...

...and all the wallsin my apartment

were covered inpictures of Eric,

Eric would thinkI wanted to sleep with him.

Especially ifthey were paintings.

Do you guys think ifthey put Jesus on the penny,

they'd call it a JC penny?

Come on.

This guy at a partywas telling me

that they're notmaking pennies anymore,

'cause it costs more thanone cent to make each penny.

Have you ever heard that?

WOMAN:Yeah.I said,"Oh, that's really boring.

I wish I was talking to a girl."

I was just in Austin, Texas.

Anybody ever beento Austin, Texas, before?

(crowd whooping)All right.

Good. Nobody.

I was there for, uh,three days.

I was in Austin for three days.

Uh, I ate nothing but amazingbarbeque, tacos off taco trucks.

I don't think I had a vegetablein three days in Austin, Texas.

I got back to my apartmentin New York,

and I

pooped...(crowd laughing)

Sure, it's funny already.

That was pretty good already.

What if the joke endedright there?

(crowd cheering, whooping)Would that be pretty goodfor everybody?

You like that? Good.

I wish. I wish...

(chuckles)These next few jokes

are just gonna be a bunchof places I've been to,

and whether or not I poopedwhen I got back, okay?

Welcome to my 30-minute special.

I could do that,I could definitely do that.

After three days in Austin,I got back to my apartment

in New York and I pooped foam.

Okay? Foam came out of me.

It happened one time,

and I was back to normal.

But it scared me so much

that I went on WebMD and Google

to see if it ever happenedto anybody else, right?

So I'm Googling"foam poop," all right?

We've all done that,nothing comes up.

Stuff comes up, but notwhat you're looking for, right?

Like, weird stuff comes up.

I Googled "foam butt."

Um, I'm not proud of this.

While I was on Google,I Googled "butt poop."

And... I did,and if you Google "butt poop,"

you'll also learn that "buttpoop" is the most common kind...

...of poop.

But I couldn't find one instanceof anybody saying,

foam came out of them.The Internet is huge!

You can find literallyeverything on the Internet.

You can go to Yahoo! Answersand type in

"Why can't I getmy balls pierced at Claire's?"

And somebody has answeredthat question.

They really have.

There's four paragraphson Yahoo! Answers

on why you can't get your ballspierced at Claire's at the mall.

I didn't even, I didn't even

read the whole thing'cause it's so long.

It's got something to dowith sterilization and the gun.

I guess. It's not important.

What's weird to me issomebody took the time

to write that respon...

It's weird that somebody askedthat question, too.

And it was me.But somebody took the time

to, like, really write outa well-thought-out response.

You can find that,

but you can't find one reportof somebody saying

"Foam came out of my body andthis is what I did about it."

My dad always didreally great things to me.

For me, not to me.

We're not doing that oneright now.

(chuckles)

My dad always didreally great things for me

when I was growing up,but he always did

kind of mean thingsalong the way.

I think he thoughtthey were funny, like, uh...

When I was in first grade,my dad to took me

to my firstMajor League Baseball game.

I grew up in New Hampshire,so we used to go to Fenway Park.

(applause)All right. Yep.

Every other baseball park sucks.

Um...

When I was in first grade,my dad took me to go see

Boston Red Soxversus California Angels.

Roger Clemens pitchingversus Jim Abbott--

the one-handed pitcher, right?

Doesn't get any better than that

when you're in first grade.

We made a sign together, uh,

"Two handsor get the (bleep) out."

And uh... (chuckles)

On the way to Fenway Park,

my dad pulled over

into an abandoned high schoolbaseball field,

and he goes,

"Oh, look at that.

Fenway's closed."

"We're going home."

And I cried. I cried so much.

That's a terrible trick to playon a first-grader,

but while I was crying,

my dad just drove to the game,

and we had a great time.

So when I was older,I asked my dad,

"Why did you do that?

"Were you trying to teach mea lesson?

"Were you trying to teach methat even when

"there's great things in life,

sometimes there's shitty thingsalong the way?"

And my dad just goes,"No, me and your mom

"just thought it was funny

'cause you used to cryabout everything."

Yeah, he's the one clappingin the back right there.

That's good.He's the one who's going,

"Yeah, I did that."

He thinks it's really funny,but guess what?

I didn't go to grad school,and I'm doing this instead,

and it's because of you.

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