David O'Doherty

  • Season 1, Ep 102
  • 06/15/2012

David O'Doherty lays down sweet keyboard tunes about Shakira, the Internet and text messages.

Good evening,ladies and gentlemen.

My name is David O'Doherty,

and this should answer any otherquestions that you might have.

♪ F.A.Q. for the D.O.D.

♪ F.A.Q. for the D.O.D.

♪ F.A.Q. for the D.O.D.

♪ Frequently asked questionsfor David O'Doherty ♪

♪ F.A.Q. for the D.O.D

(cheering)

♪ Where are you from?I'm from Dublin City ♪

♪ What are your hobbies?

♪ Cycling and Frisbee

♪ What have you gotin store for us tonight? ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock your worldsin a quite a gentle way ♪

♪ Like a delicious cakeas opposed ♪

♪ To a bag of drugs

♪ Do you have a sidekick?No, I'm the only one in it ♪

♪ Do you stand up at all?Yes, in a minute ♪

♪ How do you describeyour style of comedy? ♪

♪ I call it very low energymusical whimsy ♪

♪ Or VLEMWY

(laughter)

♪ Apart from VLEMWY,do you have any other skills? ♪

♪ Yes, I do

♪ I can touch-type40 words a minute ♪

♪ I've a full driving licensewith no points on it ♪

♪ I've a decent knowledgeof geography ♪

♪ And a basic awardin water safety ♪

♪ So my gigs very rarely endwith drownings ♪

♪ Where do you writeyour material? In bed, at home ♪

♪ What's the capitol ofBotswana? Gaborone. Geography ♪

♪ What do you think is thesecret of a great comedian? ♪

♪ You have to like sittingon trains ♪

♪ And havequite low self-esteem... ♪

Oh, you're laughing.

Please be my friends.

♪ Do you believe in God?No, none ♪

♪ Who's your favorite Beatle?George Harrison ♪

♪ How do you know if you'rewith the right one ♪

♪ Or if you're not justwith this person ♪

♪ Till the right onecomes along? ♪

♪ That's quite a complicatedquestion and one I have ♪

♪ to admit I'm not actuallyasked all that frequently ♪

♪ But I'm pretty sureit has something to do ♪

♪ With not wanting to make outwith other people ♪

♪ F.A.Q for the D.O.D.

(cheering)

Thank you very much.

It's complicated.

I had to get a special visato come and do gigs here.

And the actual wording

on the visa I have says,"David O'Doherty

is an alienwith extraordinary ability."

And that is big talkright there,

especially when you've alwayshad a mild complex about looking

like ALF.

I, uh,

I'm from Ireland,and it's similar

to Boston;it is similar in that...

I'd say the main differencewould just be day-to-day life

in Ireland,it's just a bit more mystical.

You know, more smoke machinesand synthesized.

Like, aaah.

It's more like livingin an Enya song.

To give you a little bitof history, I guess,

if you don't know about Ireland,going right back,

Ireland's indigenous peoplewere the leprechauns.

Or the lepricians,

as no one calls them,

and they died out tragically,

owing to the factthat they were all male,

and that they never existedin the first place.

Nothing will killa race off quicker

than never actuallyhaving existed.

And then the nextmajor character

in Irish history is St. Patrick.

And St. Patrickis the patron saint

of strangers peeingin your front garden.

That is how heis still commemorated

around the worldfor one day every year.

God, he used to be hugewhere I come from.

Like, bigger than MySpace or R. Kelly.

Not so much anymore;I think, to be honest,

whatever people used to getfrom the Lord,

I just get the same thing nowfrom the Internet

because they're similar

in that they're, like,invisible, but all around us.

And they knowfreaking everything.

That's the advantagethe Internet has over the Lord

is that you can ask the Internetquite specific questions.

Like, we were always toldas children, ask God anything.

God is always listening,so, I'd be like,

"God, why do bad people

always seem to do so wellin the world?"

And God would be like,

"Well, David, here is

a very ambiguous book."

But with the Internet,you can be much more specific.

You know, be like,

"Did OMC have any other hits

apart from 'How Bizarre'?"

"No, he did not."

"Thank you, Internet;Lord, look and learn."

Can't illegally download Deadwood off of you, either.

It's a very easy countryto invade.

It's quite small and the peopleare quite friendly.

Initially,we don't mind that much.

I think my favorite invasionis definitely the Vikings,

though, because they came inthe ninth and the tenth century,

and they raped and the pillagedand the wrecked the place.

And they're so unlikeany Danish or Swedish

or Norwegian peopleI have ever met today.

It's like they must havejust woken up one morning

and gone, "Hey, you know,

"let's not rapeand pillage anymore.

Let's invent the Lego."

"Let's open

IKEA shops around the world."

In fact,the original Viking longships

I'm 36 years old, and I realize that

age ain't nothingbut a number,

but it also a very accuratebarometer of how old you are.

And 36 is one of the firsttruly disappointing ages.

You know, even marketing peoplerealize that

'cause they've divided our livesinto three main bits.

It's like zero to 18,and they're kids,

and they likebrightly-colored things.

And then there's 18 to 34,

and they're the key demographic,

'cause they're the peoplewho fall in love

and feel emotion and take risks

and appreciate technology.

And there's just 35 to death,

and we like Michael Bublé

and going on cruises.

It's just thatyou never hear of...

You never hear of 36-year-olds

doing anythingparticularly innovative.

You know, on the news,it's always,

"This seven-year-oldhas invented the Internet

on vegetables."

But for 36-year-olds,it's always something

much more bleak than that.

It's always, "The suspect, 36,

exposed himself to the mournersin the pet cemetery."

I realize 36isn't particularly old.

If you're 40, you're going,like, 36 is nothing.

Yeah, but in the same way

that when you were 18,

you'd look at 21-year-old girlsand be like, "Ugh,

I'd never kiss oneof those haggard old wenches."

It's about context, really.

You just have to make peace

with the fact that you're gonnahave different interests

to 20-year-oldsfor the rest of your life.

There's nothing sadderthan doing comedy shows

with 36-year-old comedians

who think they still knowwhat the kids like.

Like, "Woo!I know what you're into:

"fax machines and Ninja Turtles.

Wassup?"

I waste a lot of my lifelooking at the Internet.

I recently finishedthe Internet.

I don't knowif you've ever done that,

but a picture of Bill Gates

comes up like that,

and you get to enteryour initials.

It's just...

I think because biologically, atmy age, I should have a child,

and because I don't,I've just adopted the Internet

as some sort of surrogate child.

And like a child, it sort of

give me cuteness in return.

It's like, "Look, Daddy,a piglet in wellingtons."

And I'm like, "Oh, Internet,you are so cute."

And it just draws meinto its vortex of time.

You'll be like,"You better check your e-mail."

"Oh, I better check my e-mail."

"Better check your old e-mail,even though

no one ever e-mails you on it.""Oh, I better look at that."

"Better look at the news.""Better look at..."

"Better look at internationalnews as well,

in case the Irish news is makingit all up again."

"Oh, better do that.""Better look at eBay

"and see if there's tinykeyboards for sale.

(groans) "Better lookat dogsindistress.com,

even though I couldn'tpossibly foster a puppy."

And then somehow,it's three hours later,

and I'm lying on the floorof my bedroom,

looking at No Doubt videosfrom 1996.

"It's true, she is just a girlin the world."

(laughter)

♪ My friend wasin a restaurant on a date ♪

♪ And the datewas going really badly ♪

♪ The guy was the most boringand stupid guy ♪

♪ He'd ever beenon a date with ♪

♪ And he was wonderingwhy he'd gone on a date ♪

♪ With such a boringand stupid guy ♪

♪ Just then,the boring and stupid guy ♪

♪ Got up and went to the loo,and my friend decided ♪

♪ To send a text message

♪ To another one of our friendsoutlining the ways ♪

♪ In which they guywas both boring and stupid ♪

♪ And including in itsome direct quotes ♪

♪ Of things that he'd saidthat were boring and stupid ♪

♪ But when the boring and stupidguy came back from the loo ♪

♪ He could barely talk, and he'dobviously just been crying ♪

♪ And my friend realized

♪ That he'd sent a text tothe person the text was about ♪

♪ Yes, he'd sent a text tothe person the text was about ♪

♪ I was once breaking up

♪ With this girl, and it wasquite a messy breakup ♪

♪ I believedthat she was carrying on ♪

♪ With an ex-boyfriend of hers,at least that was my theory ♪

♪ So, I decided to tella friend of mine ♪

♪ That lives in Londonabout my theory, but I decided ♪

♪ To tell him through the mediumof a text message ♪

♪ Now, the thing is

♪ My friend who livesin London ♪

♪ His name is like one digitdifferent from her name ♪

♪ Like, his name's Paul,and her name's Paula ♪

♪ That's an inappropriateexample I shouldn't use ♪

♪ 'Cause Paula's the nameof another girl ♪

♪ I used to go out with, andthis song is not about Paula ♪

♪ Paula's great

♪ I guess I must have beenleaping down ♪

♪ Through the names in my mobilephone and must have seen ♪

♪ The first few lettersof his name and hit send ♪

♪ As the Nokia sending iconflashed backwards and forwards ♪

♪ I realized what I'd done

♪ And felt simultaneouslymore alive ♪

♪ And yet more deadthan I'd ever felt before ♪

♪ Because I'd sent a text tothe person the text was about ♪

♪ You can try and pretendthat it was just a joke ♪

(giggles)

♪ That you were just beinginappropriately rude ♪

♪ In a hilarious over-the-topinappropriately jokey way ♪

♪ But you can never be sureif the person believes you ♪

♪ So, your relationship'seffectively ruined anyway ♪

♪ You can just be honestand apologize ♪

♪ But now they know whatyou actually think about them ♪

♪ Probably the best thingyou can do is just delete ♪

♪ Their detailsfrom your phone ♪

♪ And hope you never,ever, ever see them ♪

♪ Again

♪ A couple of years ago

♪ I was doing this songfor the first time ♪

♪ And originally it wasjust the first two verses ♪

♪ And it endedwith that last bit right there ♪

♪ And on my way home,after tying out the song ♪

♪ I felt a text messagein my pocket ♪

♪ So I pulled over my biketo see who it was from ♪

♪ It was from a friend of minewho'd been at the gig ♪

♪ And the text message said

♪ "That was the worst gigI've ever seen him do ♪

♪ "He used to be funny,but he's really lost it lately ♪

♪ Complete bull(bleep)"

♪ And even though he phoned upa minute later ♪

♪ And we had a good laugh

♪ About what a hilarious prankhe'd played ♪

♪ I still can't be sure

♪ He didn't send the a text

♪ To the personthe text was about. ♪

Thank you.

Okay, so, uh...

Shakira hasn't turned up,is the only prob...

uh, was the one thingI asked Comedy Central

that if they could justsupply Shakira for the duet,

but... not to worry.

It's, uh... I'll just do...I'll just do both of our parts.

You won't even...you won't even notice

which bit was...was meant to be hers.

♪ It's a rainy night

♪ I lie in bed

♪ Tucked up and warm

♪ Out of the storm

♪ What's that,a knock at the door? ♪

♪ Who could it be?

♪ I run down to see

♪ And there soaked to the skin

♪ Stands

♪ A tiny woman

(laughter)

♪ Oh, David, David,prince of everything ♪

♪ Let me touch your sexy body,let me feel your skin ♪

♪ I've traveled over oceansto get here to you ♪

♪ Thinking of specific thingsthat I'd like to do ♪

♪ So come on, let's goand waste all day ♪

♪ I am Shakira, let's get busy

(cheering)

I'll be honest.

I'm filled with questionsmore than anything else.

The first one being:

♪ Shakira, are you sure

♪ That you've gotthe right address? ♪

♪ Uh, yes, I am, David,and soon you'll have my caress ♪

♪ On your balls, lo-le, lo-le

♪ But, Shakira, how do youeven know who I am? ♪

♪ I watch your videoson YouTube ♪

♪ Your album's in my van

♪ You have a van?

♪ A brown minivan

♪ Eight-seater

♪ But, Shakira,don't you think ♪

♪ This might be someweird obsessive crush ♪

♪ On your partthat's gone awry? ♪

♪ David, look at my hips,they do not lie ♪

And her hips are not lying.

They're like, "Ooh, do me, ooh."

And I realized as the elder oneI'm going to have

to seize the initiative here.

This is ridic... Shakira?

Grab a hold of your lustySouth American horn

for one secondand think about this, you know?

Supposing there was a vibebetween us,

what chance would we have?

I'm away most of the yeardoing shows, and so are you,

so in order to see each other,we'd have to tour together.

And that would be (bleep).

'Cause the people who like you,Shakira, would be baffled

as to what the point of me was.

And the people who like mewould find the idea of you funny

for about 15 seconds, Shakira.

But they are our dreams,Shak-Shaks.

And if we don't have dreams,what do we have?

And Shakira thinks, she goes,

♪ Without dreams

♪ Then we'd just have sleep

World...

you can mess with me once.

You might get away with it.

Mess with me twice,

and chances are I stillprobably won't remember.

But mess with me numerous timesacross a concerted period

in a similar way

and think you're goingto get away with it,

well, you're wrong.

'Cause I'm going to lampoon you

through a comedysong, song, song.

♪ I'm talking about my beefs,2-0-1-2 ♪

♪ Things I want to crushwith my fury shoes ♪

♪ My beefs, 2012

♪ Excuse me while I openthe gates of hell ♪

Celebrity news, stop appearingat the end of real news.

You diminish real news.

And the death tollfrom the earthquake

could rise as high as 30,000.

Christina Aguilera's cathas alopecia.

(bleep) off!

25-year-old men of America,

stop buyingpointless accessories

for your terrible cars.

It's not the Batmobile.

It's a 2002 Hyundai.

Blue lightsunderneath the chassis?

Oh, that's practical,in that it

stops junkies shooting upin your wheel arches.

Great stuff.

Next time you see anyone

with the blue lightsunderneath the chassis, in fact,

you're allowed to knockon the door and go, "Excuse me.

I think your gearboxcould be haunted."

Girls, stop telling meabout your dreams.

God, the fateful momentwhen it begins.

"I had a dream last night..."

No!

I am never going to get

the next two minutesof my life back.

"I was on a horse,and then the horse was flying."

I couldn't give a (bleep)!

"It was unbelievable."

Well, of courseit's unbelievable.

What do you want,highly realistic dreams?

"I had a dream--it was like The Wire."

Wow!

People with fancy smartphones,

stop trying to show mewhat your phone can do.

I don't care.

I know the truth--

there is no app for loneliness.

DVD playersand laptop computers,

play all regions of DVD.

If you don't, you're racist.

My friends, actual grown-ups,

stop taking computer gamesso seriously.

I have a friendwho got up at midnight

to get that Modern Warfare game

when it came outa few months ago,

and afterwards,he actually said,

"I consider this game

to be the modern equivalentof reading a novel."

No!

It's the modern equivalentof getting a novel

and throwing it through a hoop.

The modern equivalentof reading a novel

is reading a modern novel, yeah?

He also plays Guitar Hero,which you shouldn't

be allowed to doover the age of about 14.

It's just the factthat sometimes,

when I go over to his houselate at night,

he answers the front doorand he's just

got, like, his undiesand a T-shirt

and the tiny, stupid guitar.

He's like,"Do you want to come in?

I'm just jammin'."

You're not jammin'!

Bob Marley was jammin'.

I think it just makes me sad

looking at himand just thinking,

God, the idea of a grown-up

dedicating this muchof their life

to attainingthis pointless expertise

in what amountsto a stupid plastic

children's toy musical inst...

(cheering and applause)

Finally,people who constantly update

what it is they're doingon the Internet

in the form of status updates.

From where I'm sitting,it seems like there's

two main schoolsof status update.

The first,and the most common, is just,

"Make your life soundas awesome as possible,"

not be like this,

"Just had a picnic up a hill.

What a perfect day."

No!

I know what you're like.

You're bipolar.

You cry for half the morning.

But even more pointlessthan that is the other one.

"About to make an omelet."

What?

You are about to undertakethe mighty omelet!

Thank goodnessyou told everyone!

This (bleep) could go any way.

Somebody contact NASA.

Contact CERN.

You might create a new element.

Clear a space on theperiodic table for omeleteum.

♪ Sort it out, world

♪ If you don't,then you risk being ♪

♪ Part of my beefs 2012.

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