Private Investigator/Taxi Company

  • Season 1, Ep 8
  • 04/18/2013

Nathan challenges a private investigator to track him for a day and devises a way to improve taxicab conversations.

ALL I HOPE FORIS A NICE, QUIET RIDE...

LEXINGTONAND WILSHIRE, PLEASE.

BUT THERE REALLY IS NO EASY WAYTO ASK FOR THAT.

UH, NATHAN.

UM, SORRY,

I DON'T REALLY WANNA HAVEA CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW.

IT'S ALWAYS BEENAN AWKWARD SITUATION FOR ME.

THAT'S WHY I DEVISEDA SOLUTION AND BROUGHT IT

TO STRUGGLING LOS ANGELESTAXI COMPANY INDEPENDENT CAB,

WHERE I MET WITH PRESIDENTNETTABI AHMED.

ALL I'M SUGGESTINGIS YOU MAKE IT EASY

FOR THE CUSTOMERTO DECIDE

IF HE WANTS A CONVERSATIONOR NOT

AND EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTSTO TALK ABOUT.

- BUT YOU CANNOTASK SOMEBODY,

"DO YOU HAVE--DO YOU WANNA HAVEA CONVERSATION OR NOT?"

- UNTIL NOW.THE PLAN--

A TOUCH SCREEN SYSTEMTHAT WILL ALLOW THE CUSTOMER

TO DISCREETLY COMMUNICATETO THE DRIVER

WHETHER OR NOTHE WANTS A CONVERSATION.

AND IF HE DOES,HE'LL ACTUALLY BE ABLE

TO SELECT THE TOPICHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT.

- THE IDEA,I ACCEPT IT RIGHT NOW,

BUT I NEEDTO TEST IT,

NOT--NOT ONLYFOR YOUR DOCUMENTARY

OR FOR YOUR MOVIE,BUT FOR THE BUSINESS ITSELF.

- BEFORE COMMITTINGTO ANYTHING,

NETTABI WANTED ME TO DOA TRIAL RUN

WITH ONEOF HIS DRIVERS--REUBEN.

ALONG WITH REUBEN'S HOME COUNTRYOF ARMENIA,

I PICKED THREE MORE MAINSTREAMCONVERSATION TOPICS

FOR CUSTOMERSTO CHOOSE FROM

AND TOOK OUT SOME BOOKSFROM THE LIBRARY

SO THAT REUBENCOULD STUDY UP ON THEM.

YOU PROMISEYOU'LL READ THESE?

- I PROMISE, YEAH.- OKAY.

'CAUSE IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.- OKAY.

- YOU KNOW, I WANNA LOOK GOODFOR YOUR BOSS.

- OKAY.

- AFTER GIVING REUBEN A WEEKTO STUDY,

WE HAD OUR TOUCH SCREEN SYSTEMINSTALLED IN HIS CAB,

AND IT WAS TIME TO GO PICK UPSOME CUSTOMERS.

- SANTA MONICAAND WILTON, PLEASE.

- NO PROBLEM.

- EARLIER, I SET UPONE OF MY EMPLOYEES

ON A BLIND DATE,AND THE GIRL

I PICKED FOR HIMWAS SOMEONE

THAT I METON MY FAKE DATING SHOW--RACHEL.

- THERE'S NO ONE ELSE LIKE ME.[laughs]

- AS PART OF THE AGREEMENTWITH QUIZNOS,

SOLOMON WAS GONNA HAVE TO SAYSOME BRANDING CUES

FROM THE COMPANYDURING HIS DATE.

SO I GAVE HIMA HIDDEN EARPIECE

AND STATIONED MYSELFIN THE BACK ROOM

WITH A QUIZNOS MARKETING REPSO I COULD TELL HIM

WHAT TO SAYDURING HIS DATE.

I COULD TELL SOLOMONWAS NERVOUS,

BUT HE LOOKED FANTASTICIN MY GRANDPA'S SUIT.

I JUST HOPED THAT HE COULDHIT IT OFF WITH RACHEL.

- HI, MY NAMEIS SOLOMON.

- HI.

I'M RACHEL.

- YOU HAVE NICE EYES.

- OH, THANK YOU.

SO DO YOU.- THANK YOU.

- YOU COULD ASK HER IF--

"WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITEQUIZNOS SUB?"

- ALL RIGHT, IS THAT KINDOF WEIRD EARLY ON IN THE DATE?

I TRIED TO HOLD OFFTHE QUIZNOS REP AS LONG

AS I COULD SO SOLOMON AND RACHELCOULD REALLY CONNECT...

- HAVE YOU SEENTHE MOVIE CLICK?

- NO.

- OH, IT'S ABOUT, UM, A GUYTHAT GETS THIS REMOTE CONTROL,

AND HE CONTROL LIFE.

- OH, WOW, AWESOME.- YEAH.

- BUT, EVENTUALLY,SHE WAS JUST TOO PERSISTENT.

- DID YOU KNOWTHE BAJA CHICKEN HAS...

- CHEF-INSPIRED...- CHEF-INSPIRED SAUCES?

- DID YOU KNOW THE BAJA CHICKENHAS CHEF-INSPIRED SAUCES?

- OH, REALLY?COOL.

- HAVE HIM SAY,"MM, TOASTY."

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- SO, UM...

- WILL YOU SAY, "MM, TOASTY"AFTER YOU BITE IT?

- MM.

TOASTY.

- [chuckles]

- NOW, WE COULD TALKABOUT THE ARTISAN BREADS,

THE FRESHLY SLICED MEATSAND CHEESES--

- OKAY, I'M--I LOVE QUIZNOS,

AND I'M HAPPYTO DO THIS,

BUT CAN WE LET THEMDO THEIR THING FOR A BIT,

AND GET TO KNOWEACH OTHER?

- OKAY.

- BE GENUINE.BE YOURSELF.

SPEAK FROM THE HEART.

- DO YOU--DO YOU KNOW ANY POEMS?

- NO.

DO YOU?- YES, I DO.

"ROSES ARE RED,

"VIOLETS ARE BLUE.

NO ONE IS PRETTIERTHAN YOU."

- AW.THANKS.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.- THAT'S GOOD.

- YEAH, IF WE CAN THROW INTHE TAG LINE AGAIN.

- ALL RIGHT,WRAP IT UP, SOLOMON.

- SO, UH, IT SEEMS,

UH, THAT WE'RE DONE WITH...

WITH THE TASTY QUIZNOS...

SANDWICH.

- GREAT.

- YOU'RE REAL PRETTY

AND I WANTTO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- EVEN WITH THE AWKWARDNESSOF OUR PRODUCT PLACEMENT,

I WAS SO HAPPY THINGS WORKED OUTFOR SOLOMON.

IN THE LOS ANGELES AREA.

- YOU KNOWWHAT I MEAN?

YOU KEEP PEOPLE HAPPY,THEY'RE GONNA KEEP--

YOU'RE GONNA--THEY'RE GONNA COME BACK.

- I'D LOVE TO TAKE HIMAT HIS WORD,

BUT WHEN I LOOKED HIM UPON YELP,

HE HAD ZERO REVIEWS,AND THAT'S NOT GOOD.

SO I PAID HIM A VISITWITH A PLAN TO CHANGE THAT.

WHEN DID YOU FIRST KNOWTHAT YOU LIKED TO SNOOP?

- [laughs]SNOOP.

NO, IT'S NOT REALLY SNOOPING.I MEAN, IT'S JUST--

- WELL, IT IS.- IT'S NOT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?IT'S OBSERVING.

WE CALL IT "OBSERVING."

- WELL, HERE'S THE THING.

I LOOKED YOU UP ON YELP,AND YOU HAVE ZERO REVIEWS.

- ZERO REVIEWS.WELL, WHAT A NAME, "YELP."

- YELP'S A WEB SITEWHERE PEOPLE LOOK--

- YOU LOOK ME UPON GOOGLE, YOU--

LOOK UP"WOLFE INVESTIGATIONS."

- WHAT ABOUT YELP?

- OKAY, YOU KEEP ON GOING ONABOUT YELP.

WHY DO I CAREABOUT YELP?

SERIOUSLY, NO, LET'S JUST THINKABOUT THIS FOR ONE SECOND.

OKAY?

BEEN IN BUSINESSFOR 24 YEARS.

WHY DO I CARE IF YELPHAS A REVIEW ABOUT ME?

DO YOU THINK I REALLY CAREABOUT YELP?

I DON'T GIVE A [bleep]ABOUT YELP.

- THE PLAN:GIVE WOLFE'S INVESTIGATIONS

THEIR FIRST FIVE-STARYELP REVIEW.

- YOU'RE [bleep] KIDDING ME.

- ARE YOU DONE HAVINGYOUR TANTRUM?

- LOOK, I'M SITTING DOWN.I'M RELAXED.

- JUST LISTEN.

I CAN'T JUST GIVE YOUA REVIEW

WITHOUT KNOWINGHOW GOOD YOU ARE...

- OKAY.

- SO I'M GONNA HIRE YOUTO TRACK A PERSON.

- OKAY.

- I'M GONNA GIVE YOU24 HOURS

TO TRACKMY WHEREABOUTS,

AND IF YOU DO A GOOD JOBAT THAT,

I'LL GIVE YOUA FIVE-STAR REVIEW.

- EASY.- EASY?

- EASY.- ALL RIGHT.

- OKAY.- READY?

- READY?- SET?

- GO.

- GIVE ME SOME--GIVE ME A CHANCE

TO GET A LITTLE BITOF A HEAD START.

- OKAY.

IT'S TOO MUCH.

- A CLASSIC GAMEOF CAT AND MOUSE.

IF BRIAN WAS AS GOODAS HE SAYS HE IS,

HE WAS PROBABLY TWO STEPSAHEAD OF ME ALREADY.

BUT, LUCKILY,I HAD A PLAN.

IF BRIAN WANTED A GOOD REVIEWFROM ME,

IT WASN'TGONNA BE EASY.

IT'S ONE THING FOR BRIANTO TRACK ONE OF ME,

BUT LET'S SEE HOW HE DOESWITH NINE OF ME.

PRIOR TO VISITING BRIAN,I HIRED EIGHT ACTORS

THAT LOOKED IDENTICALTO ME,

AND HAD THEM READY AND WAITINGIN A NEARBY HOTEL ROOM

TO BEMY DECOYS.

YOU GUYS HAVE ONE JOB,WHICH IS TO BE ME, RIGHT?

all: RIGHT.- SO LOOK HOW I'M STANDING.

LOOK AT MY POSTURE.LISTEN TO HOW I'M TALKING.

YOU GOT THAT?all: ALL RIGHT.

both: GOT IT.

- I HAVE A BITOF A JAW THING,

SO SOMETIMES,I'LL GO LIKE THIS TO MY JAW.

IF BRIAN WAS WATCHINGTHE HOTEL,

THIS WAS MY FIRST CHANCETO THROW HIM OFF...

THE NEXT PLACE HE'D LOOKIS MY HOUSE.

- MY UNDERSTANDINGIS THAT NATHAN'S AT HOME.

SO THAT'S WHERE WE'RE HEADEDRIGHT NOW.

- SO I KEPT THE BEST BODY DOUBLEBACK AT THE HOTEL

TO PREPARE HIM TO GOTO MY HOME AS ME.

SO WHEN YOU'RE THERE,YOU KNOW,

YOU NEEDTO BE LIKE ME.

- OKAY.

- SO THERE'S A BUNCH OF DISHESIN THE SINK.

SO YOU CANDO THOSE.

UM, THERE'S ALSO LAUNDRY,

SO YOU COULD DO THAT.

UM, AND THE HOUSE NEEDSTO BE VACUUMED.

- SO YOU WANT METO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE?

- YEAH, STUFF THAT WOULD LOOKLIKE YOU'RE ME.

- OKAY.

- I GAVE HIM MY KEYSAND MY ADDRESS,

BUT NOWI NEEDED HIS.

- IF YOU'RE ME,THEN WHO'S YOU, RIGHT?

SO I GOTTA BE YOUWHILE YOU'RE BEING ME.

- WANT MY KEYS?- GIVE ME--YEAH.

IF YOU THINKI'M BEING UNREASONABLE,

KEEP IN MIND THAT BRIANIS A PROFESSIONAL P.I.

AND HE'D BE ABLE TO SNIFF OUTANY INCONSISTENCIES IN MY PLAN.

- DO YOU HAVEA GIRLFRIEND?

- I HAVE A FIANCEE, YEAH.- A FIANCEE?

- MM-HMM.- WHAT'S HER NUMBER?

I NEED TO BE YOUIF YOU'RE ME,

OR ELSE IT WON'T MAKEANY SENSE.

- YOU WANT HER NUMBER?REALLY?

- UH, YEAH.- [clears throat]

- CAITLIN, IT WAS?- YEAH.

- WHEN'S THE WEDDING DATE?- NEXT YEAR.

WE STILL GOTTO LOCK DOWN A DATE.

- YOU DON'T HAVE A DATE YET?- NO.

- OKAY, MAYBE I'LL FIGURETHAT OUT WITH HER.

UM...- YOU DO THAT.

- WITH DAN'S WILLINGNESS

TO INCLUDE HIS FIANCEEIN THE OPERATION,

THE SWITCH WASIN FULL EFFECT.

THEN, WE LEFTAS DISCREETLY AS POSSIBLE

AND GOTINTO EACH OTHER'S CARS.

MY INITIAL HUNCHWAS RIGHT.

BRIAN WASSECRETLY WATCHING MY HOUSE

FROM AN SUVACROSS THE STREET.

HOPEFULLY, MY PLAN TO GETMY DOUBLE INSIDE WOULD WORK.

- OH, THIS COULD BEOUR SUBJECT RIGHT NOW.

- LOOK AT THAT.IT'S NATHAN.

HE'S PARKED ON THE NORTH SIDEOF THE STREET.

BINGO.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S CARRYING A CASEOF BEER ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER.

AMAZING.

GOING TO A PARTY TONIGHT.

HE'S WALKING TO THE RESIDENCERIGHT NOW,

AND NOW,HE'S OUT OF VIEW.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

- THE BEER-ON-SHOULDER TRICKACTUALLY FOOLED BRIAN,

BUT, AT THE TIME,I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

SO I HEADEDTO DAN'S HOUSE.

AND ON MY WAY,I MADE A QUICK STOP.

- HI, DO YOU--DO YOU SELL ANY CONDOMS AT ALL?

- YES, SIR.

- I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN

ONCE I GOTTO DAN'S HOUSE...

- DO YOU HAVE ANYTHINGTHAT'S SMALLER?

- BUT I WANTED TO BE PREPAREDFOR EVERYTHING...

- THIS IS THE SMALLEST?- YES.

- BUT WHEN I ARRIVED,

MY PLAN IMMEDIATELY STARTEDTO CRUMBLE.

- HEY.both: HI.

- HE LEFT ME A MESSAGETHAT SOMEONE WAS COMING OVER,

BUT I WASN'TEXPECTING ALL THIS.

BABE, UM, SO THIS GUYSHOWED UP,

AND HE KEEPSCALLING HIMSELF "DAN,"

AND HE BROUGHT ME FLOWERSAND SOME MALBEC.

- DAN'S FIANCEEWAS CREEPED OUT BY ME,

AND I DIDN'T KNOWWHAT TO DO.

- I MEAN, I'D FEEL BETTERIF YOU, YOU KNOW, LEFT.

AND THEN, WHEN DAN GETS BACK,YOU CAN COME BACK.

- MY WHOLE PLANWAS FALLING APART.

I WAS TIRED, AND I HAD NOTHINGLEFT TO DO BUT GIVE UP.

- NATHAN.- HEY.

- HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- ALL RIGHT, I GIVE UP.YOU GOT ME.

YOU'RE PLAYING MIND GAMES.I CAN'T KEEP UP.

- YOU'RE AN EASY PREY, KID.

- WELL, YOU'RE THE--YOU'REA PRO, SO WHAT CAN I SAY?

- THANK YOU.

- DO YOU WANNA GO GRAB A BEEROR SOMETHING?

I KNOW A GREAT PLACEDOWN THE BLOCK.

- LET'S DO IT, JUMP IN.- DO YOU WANNA?

- YEAH, LET'S GO.COME ON.

- OKAY.

- WHO THE [bleep]ARE YOU?

- WHAT?- YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID.

WHO THE [bleep]ARE YOU?

- I'M NATHAN.- YOU'RE NOT NATHAN.

- I JUST TALKED TO YOUTHREE SECONDS AGO.

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