Fools for Love

  • Season 2, Ep 217
  • 04/25/2012

Callie's psychotic, prankster ex-boyfriend escapes from an asylum and wreaks havoc on Mark's life.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

-OH GETTING YOU CAMERA READY.

INSTEAD OF KILLING YOU,

I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE YOUA CHANCE

TO VIE FOR CALLIE'S LOVE.

AND WHAT BETTER WAY THANTHROUGH A CLASSIC GAME SHOW?

HIT IT.

[upbeat music]

- IT'S TIME TO MEETOUR ELIGIBLE BACHELORS.

- GRIMES?

- I'VE GOT A BOMBSTRAPPED TO MY CHEST, LILLY.

PLAY ALONG.

- WHERE IS CALLIE?CALLIE!

- BACHELOR NUMBER ONEENJOYS MANIACAL LAUGHTER

AND HOSTAGE SITUATIONS.

PLEASE WELCOME BARNEY SNODGRASS.

[recorded applause]

- BACHELOR NUMBER TWO IS ALOW-LEVEL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE

WHO'LL BE DEAD WITHIN THE HOUR.

WELCOME MARK LILLY.

[clapping]

AND HERE'S OUR ELIGIBLEBACHELORETTE, CALLIE MAGGOTBONE.

[clapping]

BACHELOR NUMBER ONE,SAY HELLO TO CALLIE.

- HELLO, THERE, SWEET MAMA.

- BARNEY, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

LET MARK AND GRIMES GO.

- IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.

- BACHELOR NUMBER DEUCE.

- CALLIE, IT'S MARK.

ARE YOU HURT?

- NO NAMES, BACHELOR NUMBER TWO.

BACHELORETTE, YOUR QUESTION,PLEASE.

- OH, COME ON.I'M NOT READING THIS.

- I COULD BLOW ALL OF US UPRIGHT NOW, IF YOU'D PREFER.

- BACHELOR NUMBER TWO,WHAT'S THE WILDEST PLACE

YOU CAN IMAGINE USMAKING WHOOPEE?

MAKING WHOOPEE? SERIOUSLY?

- CALLIE, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENSTO US, I WANT YOU TO KNOW--

[buzzer sounds]- I'M WEARING A BOMB, LILLY.

ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION!

- ON TOP OF THE COVERS.

- NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE.

- BACHELOR NUMBER ONE,

WHY ARE WE A BETTER MATCHTHAN NUMBER TWO?

- I'M SO GLAD YOU ASKED THAT,CALLIE.

BECAUSE I'M PURE EVIL,

A REAL GRADE "A" BASTARD.

AND DEEP DOWN, YOU KNOWTHAT'S WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

CALLIE,I KNOW WE'VE DRIFTED APART

EVER SINCE I GOT LOCKED UPFOR MURDER,

BUT YOU'RE MY SOUL MATE.

I SHIVVED SIX GUARDSJUST SO I COULD SEE YOU AGAIN.

- THAT MAY BE THE SWEETEST THINGTHAT ANYONE HAS EVER SAID TO ME.

- WHAT?

- BABY, YOU KNOW TINY, BLACK,BILE-PUMPING HEART

THAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE.

CALLIE MAGGOTBONE,WILL YOU BE MINE FOREVER?

- [gasps]OH, BARNEY.

- SHE'S HIS, LILLY.AND NOW HE'S GONNA MURDER US.

WORK SOME OF YOUR COUNSELING BULL[bleep].

- THE TIME FOR COUNSELINGIS OVER.

I'M GONNA KILLTHIS SON OF A BITCH.

TWAYNE, THERE ARE LANDMINES INTHAT CRATE.

ESTABLISH A SECURITY PERIMETER.

CUDDLES,YOU'LL TAKE FIRST WATCH.

cla-clack!

- YOU TWO,

GATHER LOGSTO BUILD A POOP HUT.

BUT DIG A HEALTHYCRAP HOLE FIRST.

CHOP, CHOP.

- BUT THERE'S A BATHROOMIN THE CABIN.

- YOU THINK I'M LETTINGTHESE ANIMALS USE MY TOILET?

- [groaning]

- LET'S SAYTHERE REALLY IS A BARNEY.

IF YOU HAD DATEDA JERK LIKE THAT,

YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD MEABOUT HIM.

- THERE'S A LOT OF STUFFI HAVEN'T TOLD YOU

MAINLY TO AVOID ANNOYINGCONVERSATIONS LIKE THIS.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOWABOUT BARNEY AND ME

IS IN THAT JOURNAL.

I'M HITTING THE SHOWERS.

- OKAY, I'LL READ IT.

BUT ONLY BECAUSE I'M GONNAHAVE TO USE THIS AFTER LUNCH.

- [groaning]

- [laughing]

- RANDALL, MY BOY.I NEED TO BORROW THE VAN.

- WHY?TO REDEEM YOUR LOTTERY TICKET?

- YEAH.

- YOUR BIRTHDAY NUMBERS?10-14-13-74?

- AH, HOW DO YOU KNOWI PLAY MY BIRTHDAY?

- I KNOW A LITTLE BITABOUT EVERYONE.

I'M A RENAISSANCE MAN.

ALSO, YOU TOLD MEWHILE YOU WERE WASTED.

I MEAN, IT'S ALLYOU WOULD TALK ABOUT.

ANYWAY, I WANT HALF.

- DREAM ON, ZOMBIE.

- YOU NEED A RIDE TO THE CITY.

- HA, I'LL JUST USE MY WANDTO ZAP BACK TO NEW YORK.

WATCH THIS. HM. AH.

- OH, GARY,WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?

- [bleep].

- HOW 'BOUT I TELL THESE PEOPLEWITH NOTHING TO LOSE

THAT YOU'RE HOLDING A TICKETWORTH $372 MILLION.

cla-clack!

- OKAY, OKAY. "F."

- YOU GOT A DEAL, PARTNER.

[clicking]- [gasps]

- FYI, I HAVE A VERY SLOWGASTROINTESTINAL TRACT.

- YOU'RE A REAL BASTARD.TO THE VAN.

WHERE'D THE VAN GO?

- APRIL FOOLS YOU [bleep].DON'T ASK ME HOW I DID IT.

- I GUESS WE'RE WALKING.

- [moaning]OH, YEAH.

AUGUST 17TH. THOSE FOOLS AT THEDOI.

THEY'VE LEFT ME WITH NOTHINGBUT TIME

TO PLOT MY REVENGE.

DEATH IS TOO GOOD FOR THEM.

THEY SHALL DIE BY PRANK.

- YOU KNOW, THE BLOOD THEY USEDTO WRITE BARNEY'S PRANK JOURNAL

LOOKS SURPRISINGLY REAL.

- PRANK IDEA: REFILL HANDSANITIZER WITH SULFURIC ACID.

PERFECT FOR TWAYNE.

- TO BE FAIR, THAT WOULD BE APRETTY GOOD WAY TO GET TWAYNE.

- CALLIE AND I WERE SOUL MATES.

SHE UNDERSTOOD ME LIKE NO OTHER.

- TWAYNE LOVES RATS.TRY THESE.

- WE WERE TORN APART JUST ASOUR TRUE LOVE BLOSSOMED.

- FREEZE, SCUMBAG.

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THEMURDER OF ERIC FOGELTAINT.

- YOU TOOK AWAY MY HUMANITY,YOU MONSTER.

- BARNEY, NO.I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

- NONE OF THIS CAN BE TRUE.CAN IT?

- MARK, HELP.HE'S STABBING US.

[screaming]

- I READ BARNEY'S JOURNAL.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO BELIEVEANYMORE.

- THE TRUTH IS THAT BARNEY AND IWERE VERY MUCH IN LOVE, MARK.

I'M SORRYYOU HAD TO FIND THAT OUT

WHILE HE'S TRYING TO MURDER YOUAND ALL.

- HOW COULD YOU LOVE SOMEONELIKE THAT?

HE IS SUCH A DOUCHE-NOZZLE.

- BECAUSE I'M A DEMON, MARK.

EVIL IS LITERALLYOUR SOLE CHARACTERISTIC.

- THEN WHY ARE YOU WITH ME?

- [sighs] I DON'T KNOW.

AT FIRST, IT WAS JUSTTO PISS OFF MY DAD.

AND THEN IT WASTO SEXUALLY HUMILIATE YOU.

AND THEN IT WASBECAUSE YOU HAVE PREMIUM CABLE.

I GUESS AT SOME POINT, I JUSTGOT USED TO HAVING YOU AROUND.

- CALLIE, ARE YOU STILLIN LOVE WITH BARNEY?

- I DON'T KNOW. OKAY?

I'M A WOMAN IN MY 20s.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.

- I WONDER WHATTHE RETURN POLICY IS ON THIS.

- HI. YELLOW CAB?

IMPRESSIVE, AND, WHY ARE WEHERE?

- SIT DOWN, LILLY.

I'VE GOT A STORY THAT WILLMAKE YOUR TESTICLES RETRACT.

BARNEY SNODGRASS.

HE WAS THE D.O.I. COUNSELORBEFORE YOU.

BRILLIANT SENSE OF HUMOR.THE MAN LOVED PRANKS.

- BARNEY BELIEVED IN TEACHING

THROUGH PUBLIC HUMILIATIONAND CRUELTY.

- TODAY'S LESSON: DUCK!

[gunfire]

- MY EYE.

- NOBODY WAS IMMUNETO HIS RAZOR-SHARP WIT.

- IF BARNEY'S SO GREAT, HOW COMEI'VE NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

AND WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DOWITH THE SAFE ROOM?

[all whimper]

- APRIL FOOLS' DAY,FIVE YEARS AGO,

WE PUT A FART CUSHIONON BARNEY'S CHAIR.

[laughter]- THE PERFECT PRANK.

THE PROBLEM IS,BARNEY COULD DISH IT OUT,

BUT HE COULDN'T TAKE IT.

- HE FREAKED OUTAND STABBED ERIC TO DEATH.

- I WAS ONCE HUMAN.THEY HAD TO REBUILD ME.

BETTER, STRONGER, FASTER.

YEP, I BUSTED BARNEY AND THREWHIM IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.

- NOBODY PRANKSBARNEY SNODGRASS!

YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS.

YOU'LL ALL PAY!

- NOW I GET IT.

THIS IS THE OLD "ESCAPED MENTALPATIENT WHO'S OUT TO KILL

HIS FORMER COWORKERS" GAG.

HEY, GUYS, I'VE SEEN THAT MOVIE.OKAY?

I REVIEWED IT ON MY MOVIE BLOG.

I GAVE IT TWO OUT OF FIVE"MARKS."

- THIS ISN'T A MOVIE, MARK.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.ESPECIALLY YOU.

- FINE. IT'S NOT A PRANK.

EXPLAIN HOW YOU KNOWHE'S OUT TO KILL ALL OF US.

- BARNEY'S PRISON JOURNAL.

YEARS OF THREATS ARE SCRAWLEDON THAT CHARMIN.

UNROLL IT IF YOU DARE.

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