Jumping the Shark

  • Season 5, Ep 1
  • 01/16/2008

Garcia breaks up Dangle's wedding in more ways than one, but Terry the prostitute finds someone to love.

OH, TERRY,TERRY, TERRY.[SIREN]

WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?

SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT!

TERRY?TERRY!

KNOCK, KNOCK.HI.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

GUESS WHO?WHO'S THERE?

SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.WE JUST SAID THAT.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M LETTING YOU IN.I DIDN'T LET--OPEN THE DOOR.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

WHO'S THERE?Both: SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.

HEY, WHAT DOYOU GUYS WANT?

WE HAVE A WARRANTTHIS TIME, LET US IN.

OK, HOLD ON. I'M JUSTGOING TO GO TO THEKITCHEN FOR A SECOND.

OK. COME RIGHT BACK.WE'LL WAIT HERE.

'CAUSE WE HAVE A WARRANT.

I'M GONNA MAKEYOU SOME LEMONADE.

OK, OPEN THE [BLEEP]DOOR FIRST, PLEASE, TERRY.

AND WE DON'THAVE AN HOUR.

OPEN THE [BLEEP]MIME DOOR. GOOD.[SQUEAK]

THE LADY AT THATHOUSE OVER THERE--

OK.LOOKING OUTHER WINDOW,

AND SEEING--HI. WHAT?

WHAT DID SHE SEE?

SHE SAW ME, UH,TOTALLY PARTYING.

CAN YOU DESCRIBE"PARTYING" FOR ME,

PLEASE, IN MOREDETAIL.I GOT A CAKE--

MM-HMM.AND THEN IGOT MY FLUTE--

MM-HMM.AND I GO LIKE THIS.

♪ BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO ♪

TERRY, CAN I ASKYOU A QUESTION?

♪ BOO-BOO-BOO-BOO ♪

WHAT?

IS THAT FLUTEANOTHER MAN'SPENIS?

WHOA, WHOA!TIME OUT. HA HA.

NO, TIME IN.NO.

GAME...[WHISTLES]THERE'S NO TIME OUTS.

GAME IN.THERE'S NO TIMEOUTS IN LIFE.

WE'REBACK IN PLAY.

WELL, MAYBETHE FLUTE EVOLVED.

OK, NOW WE'REGETTING SOMEWHERE.

I SAID MAYBE, IDIDN'T SAY IT DID.

FIRST OF ALL,I'M NOT GAY.

I'M SITTING HEREWAITING FOR MY GIRLFRIENDTO PICK ME UP.

YOU'RE WAITING FORYOUR GIRLFRIENDTO PICK YOU UP.

WHAT'S YOURGIRLFRIEND'S NAMEAGAIN, TERRY?

SEEEEEMJI.

Both: SEEEEEMJI?

SPELLED?

S-E-E-E-E-E-M,

SILENT "J" "I."

[HORN HONKS]

OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE!HI, SEEEEEMJI!HI, BABY!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.THE 5-O'S ALLUP IN MY GRILL.

WHY ARE YOU GUYSALWAYS HARASSING HIM?

IT'S ABSOLUTELYRIDICULOUS.HI, SEEEEEMJI.

HI, SWEETIE.I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.I LOVE YOU,SEEEEEMJI.

HI, I'M SEEEEEMJI.THE "J" IS SILENT.

THIS ISMY GIRLFRIENDSEEEEEMJI.

HI.HI.

WOW, YOU'RE...YOU'RE A--A...

AN ITEM.WE'RE A COUPLE.

WE'RE ENGAGED,BY THE WAY.

WOW.CONGRATULATIONS.

I GOT THIS ATLORD OF THE WEDDING RINGS.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL,ISN'T IT?

DOWN THE STREET.YOU KNOW THAT STORE,IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

[WHISPERS]We're expecting.

YOU'RE EXPECTING?

MM-HMM.WOW!MY GOD!

Wiegel:BY TERRY?BY TERRY.

TERRY PUT HIS WIENER--

NO, NO, NO.INSIDE YOU?

HE HAD, UM,WE DID IT,

UM, WITH, UM,ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION.

OH!

BECAUSE HE HASA CONDITION NOW,SO WE DON'T...

WE DON'T ACTUALLY...

[WHISPERS]Have sex in that way.

OH, OK.

THIS IS A LOTOF INFORMATION.

A LOT OF THISIS STARTING TOMAKE SENSE NOW.

WE SHOULD PROBABLYGET GOING.

WHEN WE GET INTHE BEDROOM...WEGET IN THE BEDROOM,

AND WE GET NUDE,AND THEN I CAN'T GET...AND I VOMIT.

OK.OK.

OK.

[LAUGHING]Man: OH, WOW.

WHAT, DID YOU ALLTHINK THAT WAS REAL?

COME ON, MAN.

SECTION 501, PARAGRAPH "C,"

"NEVADA STATE BYLAWSPROHIBIT SAME-SEX MARRIAGES

BETWEEN A MAN, A MAN,A WOMAN, AND A WOMAN."

IT IS ILLEGAL TO MARRYANOTHER MAN, JIM,IN THE STATE OF NEVADA.

THEREFORE, I PLACE YOUR,

UH, WOULD-BE HUSBANDUNDER ARREST.

OH, WHATTHE [BLEEP].

[LAUGHING]

Second man:GET THE--

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

ANYTHING YOU SAYCAN AND WILL BEUSED AGAINST YOU--

OH, BROTHER, YOU'RECHUMMING FOR A LAWSUIT.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHTTO AN ATTORNEY--

LAWSUIT, BRO.

IF YOU CANNOTAFFORD AN ATTORNEY,

WHICH I KNOWYOU CANNOT--

YOU KNOW I [BLEEP]CAN'T AFFORD ONE.

$15,000.OHH, ALL RIGHT.

OK, 15.

WE CAN'T HAVEANYMORE CHILDRENOF OUR OWN.

MM-HMM.SO WE HAD ONE,

BUT WE CAN'THAVE ANYMORE.

AFTER WE HAD HER,I GOT SEWED UPREAL TIGHT.

VERY SNUG, YEAH.

SO WE CAN'TDO IT ANYMORE.

I'M PRETTY SURESHE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST BECAUSEYOU'RE BUYING MY BABY

DOESN'T MEAN I NEEDTO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

OH, DOES HE HAVE ANYMAKEUP ALLERGIES?

NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF.

HEALTHY APPETITE?

VERY HEALTHY APPETITE.

HE EATS LIKE A PIG,BUT NOT TOO MUCH.

HAS HE EVER BEENRENDERED DISQUALIFIED

OR INELIGIBLE FROMANY OF THE FOLLOWINGORGANIZATIONS?

JUNIOR MISS RENO?UH, NO.

THE LITTLE LADIESGIRLS' PARADE?

WHAT ARE THE--WHAT'S THIS?

UM, ARABIAN EMPRESSES?

OF COURSE NOT.WHAT IS THIS?

THESE ARE PAGEANTS,WE'RE ON THE CIRCUIT.

OH, LIKE A CARNIVAL,LIKE A FREAK SHOW?

IT'S HARDLYA FREAK SHOW, NO, NO.

THIS IS JUSTA PAGEANT CIRCUIT.

WE WANT TO TRY AND GET,UH, GET IT OUT THERE

AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

SEXY, SEXY KIDS.

BREAK IT YOU BOUGHT IT.

OH!WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, MY BACK.

OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.I THINK HE'S STURDY.

YEAH, WE, UH...

WHAT ARE WE CLOCKIN'IN HERE, LIKE 9 POUNDS?

NO, HE'S A 10-POUNDER.

IF THAT WAS A WATERMELONHE'D BE 11 BUCKS.

YEAH, WELL, UM...

WE'VE GOTA REAL PORKER HERE,I GOTTA SAY--

NO, NO, NO, NO.YOU CAN SLIM HIM DOWN.

YOU KNOW WHAT--HOW ABOUT 14,000?

HOW ABOUT 14,000-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK,YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE ARE GONNA GO INANOTHER DIRECTION.

YEAH, WOW.

YOU DON'TWANT TO DO THAT.

THIS IS A HEALTHY--WE'RE GOING TO PASS.

I'LL DO--I'LL DO 8,AND I'LL THROW IN A WATERBED,

GENTLY USED.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.OH, GOD. [BLEEP] HELL.

[BABY GIGGLING]SHH.

[BLEEP], ALL RIGHT,MOMMY LOVES YOU.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

[SIREN]

WE ARE JUMPING THE SHARK.

[CHEERING]

Raineesha:JUMPING, JUMPING.

JUMP, JUMP THAT SHARK.

LIEUTENANT JIM DANGLEWILL BE JUMPING A SHARKTO FIGHT AUTISM.

[CHEERING]

SUPPORT AUTISM.

All: DO IT, DO IT,DO IT, DO IT, DO IT.

GO, DANGLE.

[AIR GUN]

Man: GO, JIM!

OH, [BLEEP]

OH, GOD. [BLEEP]

JIM?![BLEEP]

[ALL YELLING]

WILL YOU BEMY LIFE PARTNER?

[BABBLING]SAY YES!

YES!

MY WATER JUST BROKE.

OH, MY GOD.OH, MY GOD.

[SIREN]

HAH! HEH!MOTHER [BLEEP]

[BLEEP] SUCKER!

WHAT HOLIDAY IS IT?

IF ANYONE HERE OBJECTS

TO THIS SAME-SEXPARTNERSHIP UNION,

YOU MAY SPEAK NOW

OR FOREVERHOLD YOUR PEACE.

WHOA, OH.

UH...I, UH...

I GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY.

WHEN LOVE ASKS YOU TO DANCE,

YOU TAKE IT BY THE HANDAND YOU HEAD TO THE FLOOR.

LESLIE, WILL YOUDANCE WITH ME?

UNTIL THE LAST DANCEIN HEAVEN.

[WHISPERS]I know who the father is.

THANK YOU,THANK YOU.

I ASSURE YOU,TO THOSE OF YOU

WHO HAVE NOT STAYEDIN OUR JAIL RECENTLY,

IT IS AN EFFECTIVEDETERRENT.

Trudy: GOOD TO KNOW.

JIM, I JUSTWANTED TO SAY--

SPEAK--TALK TO METHROUGH YOUR ATTORNEY.

WE SPEAK THROUGHOUR ATTORNEY, NOW.

OK.

YOU REMEMBER THAT,RIGHT?DOIN' MY JOB.

THAT WAS PARTOF THE AGREEMENT.

JUST DOIN' MY JOB.

AHEM, TRUDY?YES?

I BELIEVE YOU HADAN ANNOUNCEMENTYOU WANTED TO MAKE.

WE ALL KNOW THATI WENT TO A SPERM BANK.

AND THE FATHER IS...

SOMEONE IN THIS ROOM.

WE KNEW THAT ALREADY.WE KNEW THAT ALREADY.

OH.

YOU SAID YOU KNEW?

OH, I KNOW.

AND YOU'RE GOINGTO LORD IT OVER US

LIKE THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES,LIKE A WEAPON.

IS THIS GOINGTO BECOME SOME SORT OFPSYCHOLOGICAL WEAPON

IN YOUR PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVEARSENAL OF PSYCHOSIS?

HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT--BUT THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANSFOR THE BOY?

[MUMBLING]

Raineesha: ONE MORE TIME.

[MUMBLING]

HE'S GOT A RICE SUIT,SO...

TAKE IT FROM ME,YOU DON'T WANT TO BEON YOUR OWN WITH NO KIDS.

GO ON AND CALL YOURBABY'S DADDY OUT!DO IT.

AND MAKE HIMSTEP UP TO THE PLATE.

Man: DO IT.

DO THE RIGHT THING.

OH, I'M GOINGTO DO THE RIGHT THING.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

SO, HOW MUCH?

WITH ALL THE HUSTLEAND BUSTLE OF TODAY'SWORK-A-DAY WORLD,

WHO HAS THE TIME TOMAKE A BABY YOURSELF,

THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY,

WITH ALL THAT HARD WORKAND MESSY CLEAN-UP?

[BABY CRYING]

THIS BABY IS WHITE,FULL OF LOVE, JOY,AND WONDER,

AND COULD BE YOURSWITH JUST ONE PHONE CALL.

SO JUST CALL 911FOR THE RENOSHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.

ALL BABY SALESARE FINAL.

NO REFUNDS,NO EXCHANGES.

ORDER YOURS TODAYWHILE HE'S STILL CUTE!

SAY, "BYE, BYE, MOMMY."

"BYE, BYE, MOMMY."

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