Cook, Ross, Corbett, Vega

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 04/28/2004

Dane Cook gets into the logistics of infidelity, Jeff Ross talks about his elderly relatives, and Jonathan Corbett finds the bizarre in marathon running.

Gottfried: AT THE LAST SUPPER,HOW COME NO ONE SAT

AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TABLE?

WHY DID EVERYONE HAVE TOSQUEEZE IN LIKE THIS?

THING IS, THEY COULD HAVE MOVEDONE PERSON OVER THERE.

IT'S JUST AS WELL THEY DIDN'THAVE PEOPLE ON THAT SIDE.

IT WOULD'VE LOOKED STUPIDIN THE PICTURE TO HAVEPEOPLE THERE LIKE THIS.

I THINK ORIGINALLY THERE WEREPEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE,

BUT THOSE WERE THE ONES GOING...

"YOU KNOW, THE AIRCONDITIONER HITS ME RIGHTON THE BACK OF THE NECK."

BOSTON, NEW YORK,THE WHOLE EAST COAST.

MAN, WE GOTGOOD HOMELESS PEOPLE.

NEW YORK CITY--YOU WALK DOWNTHE STREET, 4:00 IN THE MORNING.

IT'LL BE SNOWING OUT,2 DEGREES...

A GUY'LL CRAWL OUT OF THE GUTTERWEARING A DIAPER

AND AN EYE PATCH,HOLDING A ROCK.

AAAH!

WHAT THE [BLEEP] WAS THAT?

HOLY--HERE, TAKE IT ALL.THAT WAS AWESOME!

HOW DID YOU FIT IN THERE?

MAN, WHY AREN'T--

I DON'T GET 8 HOURS OF SLEEP,I WAKE UP WITH A SORE THROAT.

YOU'RE LIVING IN THE GUTTERWITH A DIAPER.

WE SHOULD HAVE A HOMELESSOLYMPICS, I SWEAR TO GOD,

'CAUSE WE WOULD SEND OVERTHE DREAM TEAM.

YOU COULD HAVEA WHOLE DECATHLON:

THE CART-PUSH, THELIFT-THE-BOX-UP-OVER-YOUR HEAD,

THE [BLEEP] YOUR PANTS,THE NAP...

HOW MANY WINTER COATSYOU CAN FIT ON YOUR BACK

IN THE SUMMERTIMEFOR NO APPARENT REASON.

17, 18, NEW RECORD!

HEY, NICK.

Ross: MY AUNT DIED.GOD BLESS HER.

AT A RIPE OLD AGE OF 104.

WE CALLED HER AUNT TIQUE.

HER PHONE NUMBER WAS 3.

SHE USED TO POINT TO STATUESOF OLD BOYFRIENDS.

I [BEEPED] HIM.

AND IT'S MY JOBTO CLEAN OUT HER APARTMENT.

THAT'S THE WORST JOB.

SO I CALL MY COUSINTO HELP ME OUT.

MY COUSIN STU,BIGGEST LOSER IN THE FAMILY.

SO, I'M LIKE...

STU WAKE UP.GET OUT OF BED.

AUNT TIQUE DIED.SHE'S 104.

HE GOES...

HOW'D SHE DIE?

UH...HER CHUTE DIDN'T OPEN.

SERIOUSLY, STU, UH,SHE WAS TRAMPLED AT OZZ FEST.

HER HARLEY FLIPPED OVERON THE JERSEY TURNPIKE.

SHE SCORED SOME BAD CRACK.THEY FOUND HER IN THE BRONX.

SHE DIED GIVING BIRTH, STU.

SHE HAD 82-YEAR-OLD TWINSLAST NIGHT.

YOU KNOW HOW SHE REALLY DIED?SHE TURNED 104.

THE WHOLE FAMILY GOT TOGETHER.WE TOOK A VOTE AND WE SHOT HER.

HOW LONG CAN WE WAIT FOR3 GRAND AND A COIN COLLECTION?

I GOT BILLS.

I CLEANED OUT HER ATTIC.

SHE HAD MOSES' YEARBOOKUP THERE.

SHE HAD, LIKE, AN OLD VIBRATORWITH A HAND CRANK.

EEH, EEH, EEH, EEH, EEH.

AND SHE HAS A SISTERWHO'S STILL ALIVE.

WHO'S 106.

AUNT CESTOR.

WHEN SHE TALKS,DUST COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH.

HER VAGINA HAS MICE.

SHE'S 106.GIVE HER A BREAK.

WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT HER.

SHE COULD DIE FROMAN ICE CREAM HEADACHE.

SHE COULD EAT A PIECE OF TAFFYAND DIE OF EXHAUSTION.

UHH, UHH, UHH, UHH.

"THOSE MOTHER [BLEEP].I AIN'T GOING OUT LIKE THIS.

"THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO GET MYVIBRATOR WITH THE HAND CRANK.

MY COIN COLLECTION."

LAST NIGHT I WENTTO A BIRTHDAY PARTY,

AND THIS GIRL BROUGHTA CAKE AND A CHEESECAKE,

AND THE OTHER GIRLSTHAT LIVED IN THE APARTMENT,

I SWEAR TO GOD,ALL NIGHT LONG...

YOU'RE TAKING THAT CAKEWITH YOU WHEN YOU GO.

THAT CAKE'S NOT STAYINGIN THIS HOUSE.

LIKE IT'S THIS EVILHOPE DIAMOND, NUCLEAR,

HORRIFYING, CURSED THING.

THE CAKE...IS NOT STAYINGIN THIS HOUSE!

SHE'S ALONE IN THE HOUSEWITH THE CAKE!

IT'S IN THE HOUSE!DON'T GO UPSTAIRS!THE CAKE IS IN THE HOUSE!

IT'S LIKE THIS HORRIBLE HORRORFILM OF "THE CAKE IN THE HOUSE."

GET CHRISTOPHER PLUMMERIN THERE, AND AGAIN,BOX OFFICE GOLD.

WE EVEN INVENTED A COUPLEOF DRUGS BACK IN THE SEVENTIES.

YEAH.GET THIS--WHIP-ITS.

SEE, SOME PEOPLE LAUGH,AND THE OTHERS NEEDAN EXPLANATION.

GET THIS.

SOME KID FIGURED THIS OUTBACK IN THE SEVENTIES,

AND THIS KID SHOULD'VEBEEN INVOLVED INTHE SPACE PROGRAM, OK?

SOME KID TOOK THE TIMEAND THE IMAGINATION TO GODOWN TO A SUPERMARKET

AND FIGURE OUT IF YOU TAKEA WHIPPED CREAM CAN CONTAINER

AND YOU PRESS THE NOZZLEON TOP JUST ENOUGH

BEFORE THE WHIPPED CREAMCOMES OUT, SOME GAS COMES OUT.

YOU SNORT THE GAS,YOU GET HIGH FOR 5 SECONDS.

WE DIDN'T HAVE MTV.WE HAD THE [BLEEP] SUPERMARKET.

THAT'S WHAT WE HAD.

WE WERE DOWN THERE EVERY DAYSNORTING WHIPPED CREAMAND HAMBURGER.

WE DIDN'T CARE;PUT SOME ON YOUR GUMS--ARRGGHH!

WE HAD TO.

WE HAD TO GET OVERTHAT BELL BOTTOM HUMP.

PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND, MAN.

BACK IN THE EARLY SEVENTIES,YOU COULDN'T BUY ANYTHINGEXCEPT BELL BOTTOMS.

THERE WERE NO STRAIGHT PANTSIN THE STORES, OK?

THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD BEA COOLER GUY WAS TO GETBIGGER BELL BOTTOMS.

WE USED TO SIT AROUNDAND GET HIGH AND GO,

"MAN, WHEN I GET SOME MONEY,

"I'M GETTING THE BIGGESTBELL BOTTOMS IN HISTORY, MAN!

"THEY'RE GONNA STARTAT MY NECK AND GO 20 FEETSTRAIGHT OUT, MAN.

"I'M GONNA BE SURROUNDEDBY 90 FEET OF BELL BOTTOMS.

"HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE GONNA BELIVING UNDER MY PANTS, MAN.

I'LL HAVE PLATFORM SHOES.I'LL BE 20 FEET TALL."

WHO EVER THOUGHTBELL BOTTOMS WASA GOOD IDEA?

Regan: I USED TO ENJOYWATCHING EVEL KNIEVEL,

AND I FEEL BAD FOR HIM NOW.

HE'S A LITTLE OLDER,HE DOESN'T JUMP.

BUT HE ALWAYS DOES THESE,UH, TALK SHOWS.

AND EVERY TIME HE DOES ONE THEYWANT TO SHOW HIM THAT FOOTAGE

WHERE HE FELL OFF THE MOTORCYCLE

AND BOUNCED AROUND,LIKE, 83 TIMES.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SHOW HIM.

"HEY, DO YOU REMEMBERTHAT DAY, EVEL?"

"OH, NO,I DON'T REMEMBER THAT."

AND THEY ALWAYS ASK HIMWHAT HE WAS THINKING RIGHTBEFORE HE HIT THE GROUND.

WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKINGRIGHT BEFORE YOU HITTHE GROUND, EVEL?

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

"I REMEMBER THINKING,HEY, DID I TURN OFFTHE IRON?"

[CRACKING]

"THEN MY LEGCRACKED IN HALF.

THEN I WAS THINKING,HEY, MAYBE I SHOULDGET A PUPPY."

WHAT DO YOU THINKI WAS THINKING?

I WAS THINKING,"AAAH! AAAH!"

SOMETHING LIKE THAT,IF I REMEMBER RIGHT.

LET ME GO BACK.

YEAH, YEAH--"AAAH!"I BELIEVE THOSE WEREMY THOUGHTS.

I HOPE I'VE CRYSTALLIZEDTHEM FOR YOU.

Jeni: SO, I'M OUT LAST NIGHTAT A FAMOUS RESTAURANT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CANMENTION THE NAME.

IT MIGHT NOT BE NICE;RHYMES WITH "FRED ROBSTER."

AND, UH,IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO GO.

JUST DON'T SIT NEXT TO THE TANKWHERE THEY KEEP THE LOBSTERS.

VERY DEPRESSING.

THE LOBSTERS ALWAYS HAVETHAT LOOK OF...

"ANY WORD FROM THE GOVERNOR?"

THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO HAVE,LIKE, 4 OR 5 DRINKSAND THEN ORDER.

CAUSE ONCE YOU'RE DRUNK,

YOU DON'T CARE WHO YOU SENDTO THEIR DEATH IN A BOILING POT.

THEY HAD A SIGN UP:"THE LOBSTERS WERE FLOWN IN."

HOW CRUEL IS THAT?THINK ABOUT THAT.

LET'S SAY YOU'REA LOBSTER, RIGHT?

YOU'VE NEVER BEENON AN AIRPLANE BEFORE.

WHAT ELSE CAN YOUTHINK BUT YOU'VE WONTHE LOBSTER SWEEPSTAKES?

YOU'RE ON A PLANE, MAGAZINE,BELT AROUND THE TAIL,

"AHHH...NOT BAD.

"NOT ONLY AM I GETTINGA FREE TRIP,

I'M EARNING VALUABLEFREQUENT LOBSTER MILES."

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,YOU'RE LOCKED IN A TANK,

BOTH YOUR HANDS ARE TIED,EVERYBODY IN THE PLACEIS WEARING A BIB

WITH YOUR PICTUREON THE FRONT OF IT.

"I WANT TO TALK TOMY TRAVEL AGENT RIGHT AWAY!

WHAT HAPPENEDTO THE FRIENDLY SKIES, HUH?"

AND THEY'RE ONE OF THE ONLYANIMALS THAT HAVE TO PUT UP

WITH BEING ALIVEIN THE RESTAURANT.

IF YOU GO TO A STEAK HOUSE,FOLKS--NO COW TANK.

YOU DON'T SEE THEM BRINGA LIVE COW OVER.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK OFTHIS ONE, BUDDY?

"THIS IS THE BEST COWWE GOT.

"WITH A BAKED POTATO,I DON'T THINK YOUCAN GO WRONG!

"SAY THE WORD.I GOT A GUN.

"I'LL BLAST THE CRAPOUT OF HIM RIGHT HERE.

"THIS IS THE BEST COW--HEY, PUT YOUR HEAD UP!

"WHAT THE HELL'SWRONG WITH YOU?

THIS IS A CUSTOMER.YOU WANT THIS JOBOR DON'T YA?"

RIGHT? AND THERE'STHE COW OVER THERE...

[SOBBING]

"WHY DON'T YOU HAVETHE LOBSTER?"

YOU CAN'T CHEAT.

I CHEATED WHEN I WASYOUNG AND STUPID.

HERE'S THE WORST PART.YOU CHEAT.

THAT DRIVE HOME.

SHE HAD THATGLITTERY [BLEEP] ON, TOO.

YOU KNOW THE GLITTER?

TRYING TO PICKTHAT [BLEEP] OFF.

IT'S LIKE THAT'SYOUR LITTLE THING.

IT'S LIKE...AWWW...YOU GOT IT ON YOU.

THERE'S A MILLION PIECES.

I LOOK LIKE A PIXIEDRIVING HOME--I'M SHINY.

HAD TO SNEAKINTO MY OWN HOUSE.

MY LOCK WAS NEVER LOUDER.

MY KEY FELT LIKE IT WAS,LIKE, 48 FEET LONG.

YOU'RE TRYING TO SN--YOU'RE PUTTING IT IN.

YOU'RE LIKE...[CLICKING]

♪ CHAKA KHAN

♪ CHAKA KHAN

TRY TO OPEN THE DOOR ALL QUIET.

[SQUEAKS]

HAD TO SNEAKINTO MY LIVING ROOM.

AND WE HAD THE HARDWOOD FLOORS.

THOSE FLOORS SUCK FOR CHEATING.

BECAUSE EVERY STEPYOU TAKE JUST TAUNTS YOU.

YOU KNOW,EVERY STEP, YOUR LIKE...

CHEATER.

LIAR.

HERPES. HERPES. HERPES.

YOU STAND ALL STILL.

SHE WAS GOOD TO YOU.

LIES.

YOU'RE BRUSHING YOUR TEETHWITH SHAMPOO.

I'M WASHING MY BALLS OFF

LIKE I'M GONNA PUT THEM UPFOR AUCTION ON E-BAY.

I'M LIKE, "COME ON NOW,LET'S GO.

"HOW ABOUTANOTHER LATHERING?"

"ONE MORE."

YOU SNEAK INTO...TRYING TO BE ALL QUIET.

GETTING INTO BED.AND THE BED'S LIKE, "HI!"

AND SHE WAKES UP.YOU GOT TO MAKE SOME EXCUSE.

OH, I WAS, I JUST,I WANTED TO CHECK OUTTHE SUNRISE.

I WANTED TO SKETCH IT.I WAS SKETCHING.

THE SUNRISE.I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.