Michael Che

  • Season 3, Ep 2
  • 06/06/2014

Michael Che discusses hospitable racists, paying taxes and how sex gets better with age.

This is cool, becausethis is like

a dream come true for meto do comedy,

you know, for so many people,you know?

I've been listening to "Juicy"a lot to get inspired.

You ever listento Biggie's "Juicy"?

(whoops)It's, like, the greatest songof inspiration ever.

You know?

I... It's weird though.It's not the same song

as when I heard itwhen I was, like, 12.

'Cause there's a line in therewhen he goes,

♪ Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis

♪ When I was dead broke, man

♪ I couldn't picture this.

That's, like, $300-worthof merchandise.

It's not a lot of money, man.

I've been dead brokemy whole life,

and I've had a Sega Genesis.

I didn't have a Super Nintendo,but I could picture it.

It wasn't like...

But it's fun though, it's good,because it's,

you know, like,if I wasn't doing comedy,

I don't know what I'd be doing,you know?

I don't know what I'd be doing.It wouldn't be good.

I'd try, like, I would tryto get a regular job.

It's embarrassing.

I'd have to, like,lie on my résumé.

You know how humiliatingthat is?

You ever lie so badon your résumé

that you can't believeyou didn't get

the job?

You want to go backto Foot Locker.

Like, really, Foot Locker?

Who the (bleep) do you hire

that has eight-yearmayoral experience?

(laughs)

And a degree in physics?

Who is this amazing

shoe salesman?

I don't have a degree.I didn't even go to college.

And I'm glad I didn'tbecause I do this.

So I don't have to goto college for this.

And all my friends that wentto college are in crazy debt.

Like, real debt.

I got a friendthat's $80,000 in debt

with an English degree.

I learned English for free.

(laughs)

It was the first thingI learned.

It wasthe first thing I learned.

And I talkto this dude every day.

I understandeverything he's saying.

He doesn't know a special kindof English.

He doesn't talklike the Game of Thrones.

It's just regular English.

And you knowwhat he does for a living?

He teaches English.

'Cause that's the only thing youcan do with an English degree.

It's a (bleep) pyramid scheme.

I do like.. uh... doingcomedy, though, because

I got to pay taxes.That's the worst part.

That's the wor...You ever pay taxes?

I never paid taxes before.

It's an awful feeling.

I've had taxes taken,but I've never paid taxes.

And that's two totallydifferent things.

'Cause when you have taxestaken, you get a job

every week and they just takethe taxes out of your check.

They just take it.You don't get a choice.

They just take itand they keep taking it

till the end of the yearwhere they're like,

"Hey, I think we might'vetook too much.

(laughs)

"Here's $500 back.

Go buy yourselfsome sneakers or something."

And you're like,

"Thanks, government. We're goingto Red Lobster tonight.

"This is amazing.(laughs)

I love tax time."

When you pay taxes,it's totally different.

When you pay taxes, they let youkeep all of your money all year,

and at the end, they say,"You owe us 40%."

Which is a lot for me because Idon't know what I'm paying for.

I've never dialed 911.I put out all my own fires.

And I'm not saying I shouldn'thave to pay any taxes,

but I shouldn't have to payas much as somebody that votes.

Or... actually...(laughs)

I don't vote because I don'tknow anything about politics.

And honestly I can't believethey would let me.

Isn't that, like,an important job?

They'll just let me pickthe president, really?

I don't got to take a test?I don't need a license?

You need a licenseto shampoo dogs in this country.

But they'll let me pickthe president?

And that seems safe to you?

I don't know anythingabout politics.

I've tried.I'll watch the news.

Either I'm too stupidto understand the news

or I feel like they'realways lying to us.

Right? I was watching recently.

This ladyfrom the government gets on

talking about the economy.

She's like,"We're in a recession.

We owe China $11 trillion."

And I'm like, "We?"

I don't owe China shit.

You owe China $11 trillion.

"We" owe Sprint $90.

You must've been roaming.

I enjoy sex now.

I enjoyed sex when I was 20,

but I only enjoyed itfor, like, five or six pumps.

Then after that, I was too busytrying to divide fractions

and remember scenesfrom The Color Purple.

Every... (laughs)

Every young dude in here hasa trick to not finish fast.

It's not just me.

Women don't have a trick.

You finish whenever you want,

and we don't make fun of you,because we're nice people.

No woman in here was aboutto (bleep) early during sex

and was, like, "Oh, shit,think of Danny Glover.

Think of Danny Glover."

That doesn't happen.

There's books that teach women.

There's-there's no booksthat teach younger men

how to enjoy sex better.

There's no Fifty Shades of Dudes.

So I'm gonna write a book.

I'm gonna write a bookteaching younger men

how to enjoy sex better.

It's gonna be two pages long.

And the first page is gonna say,

"If you feel like you gotto (bleep), (bleep)."

And the second page...

(laughs)

And the second pageis gonna be a bibliography.

That's all you need to know.

(laughs)That's all you need to know.

(applause)

That's it. That's it.

I'm dead serious.

I wish I had that informationwhen I was 20.

I used to hold out.I don't know why.

I never won nothing.

I almost bit my tongue offtwice.

Now, 30, if I (bleep) early,so be it.

Compliments to the chef.

(applause and cheering)

I went to Tennessee one time,

went down Southto do some shows.

And sometimes,people take you around

and show you what to do,right, in the city.

So, this lady-- she's showing meeverything to do in Tennessee,

and she goes, "Hey, Che,

"I don't want to sound racistor anything,

"but you've got to trythis chicken restaurant we have.

It's amazing."

And I was, like,"Why would that be racist?"

And she goes,

"Well..."

'Cause black peoplelike a chicken a lot.

Which is a very hurtfulstereotype for two reasons:

one, it's absolutely true;

two, you knowwho else likes chicken a lot?

Everybody with taste buds.

Why is it only funnywhen we eat it? I don't know.

How did that just becomeour thing?

Why is that a weird thingthat we like chicken?

That's... I'm seriously asking.

'Cause there was a guy that madethe news, a professional golfer,

he got in trouble'cause he told Tiger Woods...

he said, "I'm gonna inviteTiger Woods to my house

and I'm gonna make himsome fried chicken."

And white people was like, "Oh.

That is racist."

And I was like, "Is it?"

What kind of thoughtful racist

finds out your favorite food

and then threatensto make it for you?

He sounds hospitable.

People get weirdabout gay marriage.

I don't know what you...I don't care.

Do whatever you want. Do it.I'm not gonna do it. Do it.

I'm afraid to get married.

I still thinkI might be rich someday.

(laughter)

(chuckles)Whenever rich dudes propose,I feel like they're saying,

"Hey, I bet you half my shitI'll never cheat on you."

That's what happensto rich people--

they lose half their shit.

I watch SportsCenter.

Kobe Bryant'sworth $150 million.

His wife was gonna leave himin a divorce,

take $75 million away

because she hadto raise the kids by herself.

For $75 million?

I would've raised Kobe's kidsfor half that shit.

I don't even know them.

I would've breastfed 'emand everything, man.

I would've been a great mom.

Michael Jordan,greatest athlete of all time,

he lost $200 millionin a divorce.

Then got remarried.

That's how competitiveMichael Jordan is.

He lost $200 million, and said,

"You know what,double or nothing."

(chuckles)

What are you afraid of?What do you think's gonna happen

if gay dudes get married?What do you care?

I had a dude tell 'em,

"You can't let gay dudesget married. What's next?

People gonna wantto marry animals?"

I was like, "Is that whatyou're worried about?"

Yes, probably.And who gives a shit? I don't.

I eat animals.If you want to (bleep) one,

that's your business.

I'm pretty sureI'm doing the worst thing to it.

(chuckles)

Well, if I was a goatand you asked me,

if you were like...(chuckles)

(chuckles)if you were like, "Hey, goat,

"would you rather be chopped upin this Caribbean lady's stew

or get blownby this strange farmer?"

(chuckles)it wouldn't bethe toughest decision

I made as a goat that day.

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