Mall Hath No Fury

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 09/16/2015

Incompetent yet stylish detective Dazzle Novak tries to take down a warlord, but gets distracted by the charms of an alluring singer with an unpronounceable name.

62 CHANNEL LIGHT BOARD.TWIN LCD JUMBO-TRONS.

AND NO MORE COLLECTING MONEYOUT OF AN OLD HAT,

'CAUSE I BOUGHT YOUA BIG HAT.

- OH, DAZZLE,IT'S WONDERFUL.

- I'VE SPARED NO EXPENSE.- YOU SPARED LOTS OF EXPENSES.

THERE'S NO REINFORCEMENT BEAMSIN THIS STAGE.

IT COULD COLLAPSEAT ANY MINUTE.

- THAT'S A LIE.

JUST STEP CAREFULLY.

ABOUT DAMN TIME.

- I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANTTO FETCH COFFEES ANYMORE.

- YOU'LL THANK MEWHEN YOU'RE AT A CRIME SCENE

JUGGLING CUPS OF BLOODAND SEMEN.

GIVE ME THOSE.- THESE ARE ALL FOR YOU?

- SOME ARE FOR DRINKING.SOME ARE FOR THROWING.

- I ALMOST FORGOT.TIME TO MEET YOUR BAND.

HEY!LOOK ALIVE!

ON THE CYMBIO-SPHERICUS,JADE ARMSTONE.

ON THE CUCKLICOO,XENU WINDSTOKE.

ON THE ANAL FLUTE, TYRUS--

ACTUALLY,LET'S SKIP HIM.

AND ON THE MOSTCRUCIAL INSTRUMENT,

THE RAIN STICK--

I'M SORRY.REMIND ME OF YOUR NAME.

- MANHEIM CROWKICKER.

- WELCOME TO THE TEAM.

I SET UP THE PINS, MILADY.NOW YOU KNOCK 'EM DOWN.

- ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

[atmospheric music playing]

- ♪ AH, AH-AH, AH-AH

♪ AH-AH,AH, AH, AH, AH ♪

♪ AH, AH-AH-AH

- ♪ EE, EE-EE

- ♪ AH, AH-AH, AH-AH

♪ AH-AH,AH, AH, AH, AH ♪

♪ AH, AH-AH-AH

- ♪ EE, EE-EE

- ♪ AH, AH-AH, AH-AH

♪ AH-AH,AH, AH, AH, AH ♪

♪ AH, AH-AH-AH

- ♪ EE, EE-EE

- ♪ AH, AH-AH, AH-AH

♪ AH-AH,AH, AH, AH, AH ♪

♪ AH, AH-AH-AH

- ♪ EE, EE-EE

- TONIGHT, MOONBEAM CITYIS UNDER SIEGE

AT THE HANDS OF A PETTY THUGTURNED WARLORD.

IN JUST A SINGLE NIGHT,HE TURNED $42 OF PURSE MONEY

INTO A VERITABLE EMPIREOF DRUG TRAFFICKING,

ARMS DEALING,AND INFANT NEGLECTING.

THE MADMAN ANSWERS TO THE NAME EL DIABLO MALO.

TRANSLATION:THE BAD DEVIL.

A NICKNAME AS UNCREATIVEAS IT IS TERRIFYING.

- ARE YOU PLEASED WITH YOURSELF?- NO MORE THAN USUAL.

- SURE, YOU ONLY LETONE MEASLY GUY GET AWAY,

AND NOW HE'S RUNNINGTHE GODDAMN CITY.

- NOT THE WHOLE CITY,JUST UPPER MIDTOWN

AND LOWER DOWNTOWN

AND MIDDLE UPTOWN LOWTOWN.

BESIDES,IT'S MOSTLY POOR PEOPLE.

- WHERE EXACTLY DID YOUEND UP LAST NIGHT?

- I WAS PURSUINGSOME HOT LEADS.

LEGALLY, I CAN MAKE ANYTHREE PEOPLE HERE DO EACH OTHER.

TAKE IT.SHOW YOUR FRIENDS.

WHO WANTS SOME?

[slurps loudly]

- HOW LONG IS THISGOING TO LAST?

- AS LONG AS HEARTLESS CROOKSHAVE SNAKES FOR HEARTS.

- NO, THIS.

- I PAID FOR 48 HOURS.

- GET YOUR SKANKSOUT OF MY OFFICE.

- HEY, THEY HAVE NAMES,PROBABLY.

[whispering]KEEP DANCING.

I'LL MEET YOUIN THE MEN'S ROOM IN FIVE.

- DAZZLE, I NEED YOUTO FOCUS,

AND I'M GONNA HELP YOU

BY TAKING AWAYSOME DISTRACTIONS.

FOR STARTERS...

YOUR GUN.- WHAT?

THEN ALL I'LL HAVEARE THESE WORTHLESS KNIVES.

- AND I'M DISMANTLINGYOUR NAP NOOK.

- SO I'M SUPPOSED TO NAPON MY COUCH LIKE A DOG?

- OH, AND I HOPEYOU'RE NOT TOO ATTACHED TO THIS.

- NO, NO,NO, NO, NO, NO.

HOW ELSE WILL PEOPLE KNOWTHAT I'M THE NUMBER ONE COP?

I CAN'T DRINK OUT OF A TROPHY.I'LL LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

- I'LL TELL YOU HOW.

GO OUTAND CAPTURE THAT PSYCHOPATH.

I'M GIVING YOUFIVE DAYS, DAZZLE,

OR YOU'LL BE GONE SO FAST,YOUR HEAD'LL SPIN.

- MY HEAD DOESN'T KNOWTHE MEANING OF THE WORD SPIN.

[slurps and exhales sharply]

THIS IS HUMILIATING.

- YOU'RE TELLING ME,BROTHER.

- IT TASTES LIKE DEATH.- REALLY?

BECAUSE I DRINKFROM THE CUP OF LIFE.

- RAD CUNNINGHAM,

KING DICKOF THE ASS FOREST.

- I SEE YOU'VE METMY SPECIAL LADY.

I'VE BEEN USING HERFOR ALL KINDS OF THINGS:

SPITTING TOBACCO,GIVING BATHS TO MY MICE,

STORING MY FARTS.

- YOU MONSTER.SHE WASN'T MADE FOR MOUSE BATHS.

SHE'S AN ANGEL.- WELL, SHE'S MINE NOW, OKAY?

JUST LIKE YOUR OFFICEWILL BE

AND YOUR CRYSTAL HOUSE DOMEON THE MOONBEAM BAY.

DON'T LIKE IT?SHOOT ME.

- I WANT TO,BUT I CAN'T.

- [laughing]

[door knob clicking]

GOT IT.

[laughs]

[door clanks open]

- YOUR MUSIC IS AMAZING.

IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M ONA BEAUTIFUL WHITE LION'S KNEE,

AND HE'S TELLING MEHE'S PROUD OF ME.

- YOU MEAN IT?- YES.

AND I KNOW A LOTABOUT MUSIC.

I LISTEN TO ALL KINDS.- EVEN RAP AND COUNTRY?

- OH, GOD, NO.CAN I JUST SAY?

YOU REALLY KNOWHOW TO WORK THOSE CHIMES.

- I LOVE CARESSING THEM,

PUTTING ALL MY PASSIONINTO MY FINGERS

AND LETTING THEMRUN WILD.

- WHAT IF I WAS A CHIMES?HOW WOULD YOU PLAY ME?

WHAT DO YOU SAYWE GO SOMEWHERE PRIVATE?

- LIKE WHERE?- WHEREVER OUR DREAMS TAKE US.

[slow synth music]

- [moaning]

[moans]