What a Wonderful World

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 01/22/2014

Abbi and Ilana resort to desperate and unusual measures to scrape together enough cash for a Lil Wayne concert.


(music playing)

(computer alert beeping)

Ab, Ab, Ab-- No joke, today is the day

we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss bitches

we are in our minds.

Are you with me?

Yeah, I'm withyou, awesome.

Are you--Is that the whole thing?

Obviously I have a plan.

Tonight we are going to see asecret pop-up Lil Wayne concert

at Bowery Ballroom.

I can't, I'm so broke. No excuses, girl.

I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today.

Chea-- Get it!

Chea-- Harder.

You're gonna have to speakin English for me.

I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch!

I wish that I could,

but I am so close to finishingseason one of "Damages,"

and I made, this,like, amazing cashew stir-fry

for the week, so I'mactually pretty booked.


Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van?

Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine.

I bet you schedule when you jack off.

Schedule when I ja--(exhales deeply)

Oh, my God.

Is that Lincoln?


Is he inside of you?


I'm just keeping him warm.

All right-- Let's just setsome ground rules here

for everybody involved.

I don't want to see you have sex.

Let's try and avoid that.

Lincoln, you seem well.

Thank you-- I've beendoing this no-bread diet

and it's pretty good.

It's been working.

All right--I'm gonna head out, then.

Peace, bye.

That was hot--That was cool.

That was like a threesome,in a way.

Uh, Ilana,what are we doing?

Are we just having sex,hooking up?

Are we dating?

What is this?

This is purelyphysical.

Why does thisalways happen to me?

Okay, so ticketsare 50 each.

Obviously, weneed an eighth.Ok.

Plus drinks, that's like200 bucks total.

And since Todd wouldn'tgive me my paycheck.


You took all ofhis office supplies.

Listen, what I doat my place of work

is none of your godamnbusiness, okay?

Okay, I think you reallyneed to be fired really soon.I know.

("What a Wonderful World"playing)

Oh, I love this song.

Ugh--This is a slave song.

It's nota slave song.

Yes, it is.

It's widely knownby the black community

that "What a Wonderful World"is, like, a slave song.

Right, right, right, Itotally forgot that you're,

like, the voice of the wholeblack community.

It's a thing--Google it.

It's ina Fugees song.

Wyclef's like, "And I thinkto myself."

He's likeangry about it.

I feel like all we ever talkabout is black people

and slaver...y...


I would like toreturn these items.

I once owned thempersonally,

but I have nouse for them now, so.

Your total comesto $135.67.

Yes!Shit-- Yes!


You know, we'd loveto get that in liquid cash.Yeah.


Okay, what aboutmy fishbowl of change?

There's got to be, like, 30or 40 bucks in there?

Can you leave?

Yeah, we're gonna--We're endingthe convo.

Ilana, I'm not gonna cleanthis man's apartment,

touch his things,in my underwear.

This is the lastthing, we are so close.

We are gonna befriends with Weezy.

I'm gonna (bleep) him, dude.

Who's Weezy?Lil Wayne!

This isthe whole thing!

Listen, it is for one hourand he's giving us $200.

No, I can't--This is gross.

What would you bedoing instead?

Watching "Breaking Bad"and eating a Smart Ones?

Okay, it's acashew stir-fry

and I was, like, reallylooking forward to it.

I don't wantto hear it, okay.

You're losing your edge andI wasn't gonna say anything,

but you're not as funas you used to be.

Guess I'll clean thisdude's apartment on my own.

(Lil Wayne's"A Milli" playing)

♪ Yeah

♪ Mack I'm gonna

♪ A millionaire

♪ I'm a Young Moneymillionaire ♪

♪ Tougherthan Nigerian hair ♪

♪ My criteria compared to yourcareer just isn't fair ♪

♪ I'm a venereal diseaselike a menstrual bleed ♪

♪ Through the pencilI leak on the sheet ♪

♪ Of the tablet in my mind

♪ 'Cause I don't write shit'cause I ain't got time ♪

♪ 'Cause myseconds minutes hours ♪

♪ Go to the almighty dollar

♪ And the almighty-- ♪

Okay,hour's up, man.

(Ilana)Party's over, dude.

Money, please.

I'm sowwy.

I don't have any.

Are you jokingright now?

I'm a wittle baby.

Uh... No, you're afull grown man.

I'm a baby,I have no money!

You oweus $200.

We just cleanedfor an hour.

I don't dothat at my house.

Thank youfor cleaning.

No, no, no.What?

No thank you.No, no.

I just degradedmy friend for you

and I thought we weregonna be paid.

I can payyou in blocks?

You're not a baby,you're a man!


I'm a baby.

Oh, yeah...You're a baby?

Does baby likethis, huh?


Babies do notread books yet!

Are you a baby ifyou wear a hat?

Full coatwith fur?

Babies don't havelittle... babies!

You want tissuesto wipe your ass(bleep)?

'Cause you're a baby?


Coat racks aren'tfor babies.






I'm looking.Yeah, we saw, dude.

I hope I never seethis again.

I don'teven know.

All right, all right, carefulof the marbles.

So I'm gonna grab this,'cause babies don't like fur.

Are you my fwends?